Exposure is complete What next??

[trippi1432]

I don't want to get all preachy or religious here (wrong place, wrong forum / FP's looking for advice, not criticism) - but I'm also a Christian imagine. I am not ultra-religious but do take it seriously. I "believe" a little differently than you though. We do not all think exactly alike and our faith and beliefs have some subjectivity for sure. Who says YOU are absolutely right and I'm wrong (as well as most otheres here who are supportive of FP's actions) - or vice-versa? I am not belittling you imagine or discounting your beliefs - please don't take my post wrong. Does the bible not allow for divorce in the case of adultery? I think it does ...

 

PEACE!

 

Good post FL98 - everyone does have their own ideals of the marriage vows and it's not fair to push those on someone else who is dealing the best way they can.

 

Imagine - your stand reminds me very much of a sermon I once heard in a very backwoods Southern Baptist church (not trying to knock any religion). Essentially, the preacher's sermon that day was about divorce and what the woman and children's responsibilities were to the marriage as it should be honored. According to some beliefs, and what theology may teach in some religions, is that the woman and children become the husband's property and therefore his family's property. Hence, if the husband puts the woman out, she is to take the children and go to his families house and his brother or father are to treat her as his own. (Hmmm, I think NOT...I picked up and my kids, left that church and never went back.)

 

What I am trying to say here is that there are different degrees to every religious faith and even Christianity has it's own degrees of what is right and what is wrong. It comes down to the leader of that specific church to interpret the doctrine and pass on the preachings. Many wars have been started over religion and many lives lost as a result...all thought that they were following their beliefs and honoring a "cause"....be it a vow or not.

 

Honor is the same thing...you can love, honor and cherish a memory of what once was, but the human vessel that broke the original vow...for that, you can only practice forgiveness.

 

A very good story that a friend told me once about her mother spells out honor in the face of adversity. This woman's mother was married to an alcoholic for 25 years, raised her children...put up with his infidelities and drunken behavior. On her deathbed, dying from cancer, the family tried to find her husband...he was out on a bender and could not be found. She sacrificed for him, suffered for him and honored her vows to die without the man she married by her bedside. He was not there in her darkest hours to honor his vow of loving her in sickness and in health....nor did he honor many of the other vows. Does this make her honorable because she sacrificed, did it make her a saint, did it give her a non-stop flight to heaven....nobody will know. But it did teach her daughters to be stronger women and not stand to be treated like their mother was.

 

Imagine - I'm going to close this post with just one more thought....while you are entitled to your opinion and are free to have your own views based on the foundation of your religious beliefs, please do not pass those on to sit in judgement of how other people on LS are dealing with their situations. I do believe in the Bible it states, "Judge not, lest you be judged". Better yet, "Live and Let Live".

[floridapad]

Imagine - Thanks for keeping me honest..But I think as time progresses I am beginning to see dating less and less as having an affair. My W committed adultery asked for a seperation to be with the other man and although we are not legally divorced, we are divorced in the sense that my W's affair made the marriage over. I do appreciate your keeping tabs on me but I really need to let go of all this and unfortunately the divorce is going to take quite a while.

 

I will likely continue to date but I am 100% upfront with the ones I have dated. I am taking it very slow.

 

FL98 and Trippi thanks for the support. Imagine was my consicience back after the seperation and I thank him for that but this divorce is going to take a while and I am not putting my life on hold while the divorce goes through.

[curiou]

floridapad,

 

If it's over in your mind, date! you upheld your vows and honor, and the union was violated by your ex-wife.

 

Waiting 6 months (or however long it is in your state) for a divorce to finalize and for a paper to say you can move on is silly. Marriage and divorce are just legal representations of an emotional agreement between you and your partner. I know two gay couples who are "married" in every sense of the word, without the certificate.

[hopesndreams]

I, too, am a Christian. The born again variety. According to God's word, He hates CHEATING! Yes, HATES. In God's eyes, read your bible, or search online, it is acceptable to end the M when a spouse CHEATS. In fact, where does it say, in the bible, that the BS needs to beg forgiveness from the cheating spouse and do whatever it takes to get the M back on track? So many do this! BS should not blame themselves for what their spouse did! Where does it say the BS needs to honor M vows until all the paperwork is done? No where. It is by choice if the BS stays in a M if the cheating spouse is remorseful. How many cheating spouses are truly remorseful? Not many.

 

Dating does not mean getting into each others pants. Maybe that is what you think, and that is the reason you are against it?

 

This could be another thread Imagine.

[bestplayer]

Imagine - Thanks for keeping me honest..But I think as time progresses I am beginning to see dating less and less as having an affair. My W committed adultery asked for a seperation to be with the other man and although we are not legally divorced, we are divorced in the sense that my W's affair made the marriage over. I do appreciate your keeping tabs on me but I really need to let go of all this and unfortunately the divorce is going to take quite a while.

 

I will likely continue to date but I am 100% upfront with the ones I have dated. I am taking it very slow.

 

FL98 and Trippi thanks for the support. Imagine was my consicience back after the seperation and I thank him for that but this divorce is going to take a while and I am not putting my life on hold while the divorce goes through.

 

hey floridapad I have been following ur threads & honestly It amazes me that u have great self-confidence & at the same time u r so considerate to others .

 

I can tell u that ur in-laws trully respect u & love u for the person u have been with them .

 

Best of luck

[floridapad]

Bestplayer - Thank you for the kind words. My self confidence was absolutly shattered after I found out about the affair and remained that way for quite sometime. When I went LC, detached and started going out and getting a life the self confidence started coming back.

 

I spoke with my W yesterday (she called just for the record). She subtley makes the point to say she has no new BF (OM#2). She also cancelled her Match.com subscription and is seeing a counselor regularly. I verified (cell phone account) that she hasn't spoken to the guy she met on the plane in over a week. Perhaps it truly was platonic and they just could relate to each other because they are both from Italy living in Miami. I also heard through the grapevine that her Mom absolutely blasted her (to the point of tears) over the holidays for her grass is greeener demeanor.

 

I guess it doesn't matter because it truly means nothing in the grand scheme of things, nor does it change my plans for moving forward. I am on the Homer train right now. No more "working" on the marriage.

[FeelingLonely98]

Bestplayer - Thank you for the kind words. My self confidence was absolutly shattered after I found out about the affair and remained that way for quite sometime. When I went LC, detached and started going out and getting a life the self confidence started coming back.

 

I spoke with my W yesterday (she called just for the record). She subtley makes the point to say she has no new BF (OM#2). She also cancelled her Match.com subscription and is seeing a counselor regularly. I verified (cell phone account) that she hasn't spoken to the guy she met on the plane in over a week. Perhaps it truly was platonic and they just could relate to each other because they are both from Italy living in Miami. I also heard through the grapevine that her Mom absolutely blasted her (to the point of tears) over the holidays for her grass is greeener demeanor.

 

I guess it doesn't matter because it truly means nothing in the grand scheme of things, nor does it change my plans for moving forward. I am on the Homer train right now. No more "working" on the marriage.

 

Good for you FP - stay on that train - FULL SPEED AHEAD. lol

[seibert253]

New year, New you.

 

No retreat, no surrender.

 

The I could careless attitude will get you far my friend.

 

Peace,

[floridapad]

Where do I stand now. F if I know. After I sent her the plan B letter (Marriage Builders style) She dropped the guy she started talking to, hasn't spoken to him in weeks and cancelled her Match.com subscription.

 

The other day she tells me "You know If you move back in the house, we're going to have to do something with all these pets (I bought for my apartment). Yesterday when I dropped off my son, she said "Let's move to California and start over" then she corrects herself 15 seconds later and says "but I'm not sure how we would deal with the house situation". I said nothing.

 

3 nights ago she starts to get interested in who I'm seeing. I just tell her I'm not going to get into my private life and put a big grin on my face. My D tells her the waitress at the local restaraunt keeps flirting with me everytime we go in and now my wife wants to go to dinner with me and the children at the restaraunt. I truly think she is playing around. A little excitement for her in a wierd way. I just don't get it. The other day she said she is rereading Dante's Inferno to see which ring of Hell she is going to be on (wasn't joking either). Still in deep guilt and depressed. Her moral Christian upbringing is eating away at her now.

 

I need to remind myself that this all means nothing. Absolutely nothing. What a wierd friggin process.

[imagine]

Has she met all the requirements of the plan B letter? Does one of them include councilling?

[2.50 a gallon]

fp

 

You gave her the space, let her go to Italy, and she still is uncertain which way she wants to jump. That says it all

 

How is Miss Peru?

 

Gallon

[mikeymad]

sounds as if she may be not only sizing you up compared to OM, but wants to see how she compares to who you are currently associating with and if you've "traded up" or are "slummin". This sounds like jealousy at its finest. which may be a good thing in the homer method.

 

we also know that people who are religious can find any passage that supports their point of view. WAWs will justify their absence in any way possible, including warping their faith. She could be doing this to make you feel sorry for her to make you break and say it's ok and you take her back. She may be trying to turn the tables to play the "victim" now to make you be her knight in shining armor to save her from herself. This all could be a game of mexican (or in your case Peruvian ) standoff.

 

I don't mean to sound negative. That's great you are talking and going out. Just remember, YOU were wronged.

 

be strong and be vigilant, my friend

[floridapad]

Imagine - Yes she met the requirements of the plan B letter. I think she did it for herself though as apposed to an attempt at reconciliation.

 

2.50 - Yep she is still uncertain. Miss Peru is nice. We've tried to hook up for a second date but haven't been able to meet. Tomorrow is a possibility. This internet dating stuff is crazy. Went out on another date tonight and apparently handcuffs is a prerequisite for being single these days.

 

Mikemad - Thanks for posting. You are absolutely correct in everything you said.

 

It's a crazy world out there but it is a lot of fun. I think I may enjoy being single for a while.....Still rather have my old M back though. It's all just insane.

[curiou]

2.50 a gallon is right.

 

You live your life! She had chances and the Italy opportunity to "clear" her head ended up being a way to meet someone new! Eck.

[floridapad]

I took the W and two older children to the beach today for lunch. We had a great time and I could tell my W was very happy. She is usually very stand offish with contact but today she was far more touchy feely.

 

After the beach I went to the house and we hung out alone on the couch for an hour and she just started rambling about coming back, finding herself, trying to find happiness for herself. She is still one screwed up and extraordinarily guilty person. I just did my best Homer impression, agreed (except if it crossed a boundary) listened and let her talk. She said she is also going to confession. This is a big step for her. I have been trying to get her to go since the beginning but she felt she wasn't ready. She actually scheduled a private appointment with the priest. She is now going to church again on a regular basis. The guilt has been overwhelming her and I told her that must be a horrible thing, and she immediately said not as horrible as you must have felt. Hmmm I think its finally starting to sink in. Guilt is something the unfaithful spouse will live with for the rest of their lives.

 

After an hour of crying she finally invited me over for dinner, and I said I had plans. "Got a date?" she asked. Instead of being typically evasive, This time I went for the jugular and said yes I do and expanded on who it was. She started tearing up again and said "I don't think I like that", not demanding or bitchy but in a solemn tone. First time I heard that from her. In the past she would want me to date, but now that she sees the reality of me dating, I'm not sure she likes it so much. I know you all may think I'm an Ahole but she needs to hit rock bottom and I think she is getting there. As I left she grabbed my hand and said "Today was really nice!"

 

This is all insane. She is most definately in MLC. Confused about life, love, family self. All I can do is listen to her and let her figure things out herself.

 

Thank you all for listening and providing me with your perspectives. It is truly valued.

[hopesndreams]

Yes, she needs to hit rock bottom. Remember the begging and pleading you did? Now, it's her turn.

 

My h and I had many of the same heartfelt conversations, crying on both sides and many times he alone (guilt) over a period of months before and after going our separate ways. We were so very close to getting back together. But, he couldn't/wouldn't take that final leap. The door has been firmly shut now.

[floridapad]

Yes, she needs to hit rock bottom. Remember the begging and pleading you did? Now, it's her turn.

 

My h and I had many of the same heartfelt conversations, crying on both sides and many times he alone (guilt) over a period of months before and after going our separate ways. We were so very close to getting back together. But, he couldn't/wouldn't take that final leap. The door has been firmly shut now.

 

 

Did he ever indicate why? Too much guilt? Too much pride? My W is battling both. All I can do is avoid R talk unless she brings it up and even then I try not to say much.

 

My W is really in a battle with herself right now and all I can do is keep myself out of it, not push the R, not try to control/influence her etc. Just not sure how much contact I should intiate. I have been pretty LC, going days without talking to her but yesterday was unusual and it turned out pretty darn nice. Too much LC is also not a good thing, unless they are with an OM. I hated hurting her with the dating thing but she needs to see the reality of things. She keeps saying the oddest stuff like "well make sure you use a condom or I'm going to have to test you for STD when we get back together". Huh? where did that come from? I said nothing. She is an enigma right now and she even knows it.

[2.50 a gallon]

fp

 

I don't envy your position. Just too many issues, in either direction. It does sound as if she has some sort of MLC, there does seem to be some positive signs and no doubt the kids will want you to take moms side and will be hurt if you chose another route. Thereby putting you in the position of being the bad guy who broke up the family. Even if she hits rock bottom and truly reaches for you, when will you ever be able to trust her again?

 

All of this coming just as you are breaking into the dating scene again.

 

Internet dating, handcuffs, damn I hate being retired.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Wow!!!

 

Well florida. I can say that it's a 50/50 chanace that it might work, but actions speak louder than words. She has to prove to you she's for real.

 

It sounds like she's sincere, but you have to be weary. I mean are you flip-flopping, what do you want, you seem to be in the drivers' seat.

 

That's the tricky thing about seperation, you may get back together with your spouse but things are different, you could be resentful, you could be happy , but you could just not see them the same after they did so many bad things to you.

 

No one forced her to have an affair, that was her own choice. She needs to own that. has she owned that, because just getting rid of the OM doesnt change anything. She has to show you remorse and also you have to be willing to reconsile if she is ready and you are as well.

[floridapad]

2.50 - The children know the seperation was my W's doing. She has accepted full responsibility for it to the children ( even though I was the one that moved out of the house). They are very protective of us dating. Trust her again? Well I guess I won't know until I reach the point of her actually wanting to come back to me. I still chose to see her for who she once was and if I don't see of full comeback then I will say no. She has been very careful about her actions because she wants to make sure she comes back for the right reasons. She says she wants to make sure she is 100% committed to the M and can provide me the love before she actually tries at the M again, but honestly I think she is still more focused on finding her internal happiness.

 

Chrome - It does sound like she is sincere, in the moment. She is still being ruled by her feelings and the reprecussions of the affair, but she still has a long way to go before she truly makes a real gesture. For now I have a feeeling I'm being bitch tested (as Gunny likes to say). 50/50 chance? Thanks for those odds, my brother says the same thing but I ain't getting my hopes up. Too much hope is what makes me "try". No hope and indifference is what allows me to not feel the need to "work" at the marriage and continue to keep my head above water and not be a pussy.

She owns the affair 100%

 

Thanks for the insight guys. Always nice to have LS keeping things real and putting things in persepective.

[hopesndreams]

Did he ever indicate why? Too much guilt? Too much pride? My W is battling both. All I can do is avoid R talk unless she brings it up and even then I try not to say much.

 

My W is really in a battle with herself right now and all I can do is keep myself out of it, not push the R, not try to control/influence her etc. Just not sure how much contact I should intiate. I have been pretty LC, going days without talking to her but yesterday was unusual and it turned out pretty darn nice. Too much LC is also not a good thing, unless they are with an OM. I hated hurting her with the dating thing but she needs to see the reality of things. She keeps saying the oddest stuff like "well make sure you use a condom or I'm going to have to test you for STD when we get back together". Huh? where did that come from? I said nothing. She is an enigma right now and she even knows it.

 

It could have been guilt and pride that got in his way.

 

I was being strung along. He once again had pitted me against his MOW. I wasn't going to give him chance to choose his MOW, for a 2nd time, over me.

 

I made the choice for him once before when he couldn't decide what to do. He had the opportunity to work on the M, I was prepared to forgive him 100%, but he couldn't let go of his "friend". It was either her or me. He chose her. Even helped him move my coffee table, because he wanted one, into his new place that he was setting up for her.

 

Perhaps if given more time he would have come round but each day spent in limbo, while he was with someone else, was tearing me up inside. Healing and peace were important to me. He ran out of the time given him.

 

Some of what was experienced is in the Second Chances forum, under Dream On. Reading through that again, just now, has made me feel ashamed and stupid.

 

The fact that your W wants you to hang around a bit longer, until she comes to a decision, all I can say to this is....be very cautious. If she is anything like my H was, her intentions are not the same as yours. Don't be fooled, again and again. You would have to get into the mind of a cheater to fully understand and that is a scary, disturbing place to be. I put myself in his mind, many and many times throughout all this and it is truly disgusting. What happened to my sweet husband??? He no longer exists.

 

Life goes on and the future, without him in it, is going to be great. Same will be for you, if it comes to that. You can choose today or wait. Do you have a timeframe? The sooner the torment ends, your choice, the sooner you will get on that path to healing and finding peace.

[phineas]

It could have been guilt and pride that got in his way.

 

I was being strung along. He once again had pitted me against his MOW. I wasn't going to give him chance to choose his MOW, for a 2nd time, over me.

 

I made the choice for him once before when he couldn't decide what to do. He had the opportunity to work on the M, I was prepared to forgive him 100%, but he couldn't let go of his "friend". It was either her or me. He chose her. Even helped him move my coffee table, because he wanted one, into his new place that he was setting up for her.

 

Perhaps if given more time he would have come round but each day spent in limbo, while he was with someone else, was tearing me up inside. Healing and peace were important to me. He ran out of the time given him.

 

Some of what was experienced is in the Second Chances forum, under Dream On. Reading through that again, just now, has made me feel ashamed and stupid.

 

The fact that your W wants you to hang around a bit longer, until she comes to a decision, all I can say to this is....be very cautious. If she is anything like my H was, her intentions are not the same as yours. Don't be fooled, again and again. You would have to get into the mind of a cheater to fully understand and that is a scary, disturbing place to be. I put myself in his mind, many and many times throughout all this and it is truly disgusting. What happened to my sweet husband??? He no longer exists.

 

Life goes on and the future, without him in it, is going to be great. Same will be for you, if it comes to that. You can choose today or wait. Do you have a timeframe? The sooner the torment ends, your choice, the sooner you will get on that path to healing and finding peace.

 

Damn hopes, it's like reading from a script. Except it was acted out by my wife.

[floridapad]

 

The fact that your W wants you to hang around a bit longer, until she comes to a decision, all I can say to this is....be very cautious. If she is anything like my H was, her intentions are not the same as yours. Don't be fooled, again and again. You would have to get into the mind of a cheater to fully understand and that is a scary, disturbing place to be. I put myself in his mind, many and many times throughout all this and it is truly disgusting. What happened to my sweet husband??? He no longer exists.

 

Life goes on and the future, without him in it, is going to be great. Same will be for you, if it comes to that. You can choose today or wait. Do you have a timeframe? The sooner the torment ends, your choice, the sooner you will get on that path to healing and finding peace.

 

 

Thank you for the insight. I am trying to be cautious and weary and not talking about the M. I don't want to because it sucks me in a bit. I will listen to her when she talks about it but typically say nothing. Her mind right now is mush, not just because of the affair, but she is battling with her own internal issues. I do see small hints of her old self (confession, going back to church, reading more spiritual books etc. She is trying to find her "moral compass" again, and that is a good thing, regardless of where we end up. It doesn't mean she will "come back" if she does find her happiness and I am reminding myself of this everyday so I don't start to get the damn hope coming to the front of my brain.

 

As far as a time frame goes? Sometime ago there were time frames I had because it was too painful thinking about the M etc etc. But, honestly now, I am having way too much fun to even think about a divorce or a time frame. She is dealing with her issues and I am dealing with mine and not working on the M has given me renewed energy. I do love her immensely but I am trying to not think about that. I am in a Hell of alot better place.

[2.50 a gallon]

fp

 

You da man!

 

Good luck

 

Gallon

[floridapad]

Update, Thanks for listening.

 

W goes to a funeral yesterday and low and behold the OM shows up with his wife to play his instrument (No jokes please :-). The OM's W stared my W down. The OM's W was not told who exactly he had an affair with but I think she has caught on. The W comes to pick up the kids after the funeral and I can tell she's down and she tells me about the OM's W. GUILT comes rushing back in for her.

 

I decide to tell her about my night because I knew she would get a good laugh. Some GF's (non romantic) decide to take me to a night club and don't tell me it's a gay club until we get in. Pretty girls at the front so WTF do I know. Walk in to the bar area and the women waitresses are half naked with body paint. WOW place sounds like fun, until of course my focus shifts on ALL of the friggin guys in the place that start hitting on me. Run Forrest Run. I try to escape to the girls at the front. Girls at the front were not girls and the GF's I'm with start laughing their azz off (Ft LAuderdale is a nutty place).

 

Half way through the story my W reaches out and starts hugging me, won't let go. Starts crying and laughing as I finish my story. 2 minutes in the hug I do a slight pull away and she doesn't let me go. So after a locked embrace 10 minutes later she finally lets go. WTF was that about? She sends me a text the next day thanking me for making her feel better. 6 months ago I could never had made her "feel" better. I just remind myself it means nothing. Don't let that damn hope to the front of the brain.

 

BTW - I'm going to stop dating for a while. That girl who knew everything about my situation and where I was at, started saying she sees her self falling in love with me. I never should have let it get that far. I feel like a complete Ahole. I'm convinced no matter how much you tell a woman about your situation, and no matter how much they say they can handle it....They can't. She was very cool about it. Even told me a happy story about a friend of hers who was in the same situation as me and they got back together, never looked back and are very happy today.

 

Lesson learned.