Exposure is complete What next??

[mikeymad]

Florida, I think you we can all appreciate the differences that people go through with a rebound. There is an inherent mothering instinct with women, and unfortunately, when a wounded creature (the man) comes to them, they become endeared with his feelings (as opposed to the media's version of a manly man) and want to nurse him back to health, almost making him a "project".

 

Women want to find solace in someone's arms, and that strong guy who listens will also pave a way straight to her heart, although some men are adept at finding this weakness and exploit it for not so respectable reasons.

 

That may not be comprehensive, but it's my take on how these things go.

Btw, if you guys woulda came and visited me in Orlando, there were no gay bars there

[FeelingLonely98]

BTW - I'm going to stop dating for a while.

 

Not sure you need to resign yourself to that FP. You were honest with the girl and when it went in a direction you were not comfortable you slowed down and told her. All very commendable actions. Keep getting out there - maybe not with the intent of picking someone up - but if you do meet someone have fun. (Just be honest - like Mikey said some men expolit these situations - I know you wouldn't)

 

BTW, do you think the W is having a change of heart about the M?

 

When I finish my latest business trips I'll buy you a few beers - or martinis!!! I'll be in touch!

 

FL98

[imagine]

The W comes to pick up the kids after the funeral and I can tell she's down and she tells me about the OM's W. GUILT comes rushing back in for her.

 

I decide to tell her about my night because I knew she would get a good laugh..

 

Half way through the story my W reaches out and starts hugging me, won't let go. Starts crying and laughing as I finish my story. 2 minutes in the hug I do a slight pull away and she doesn't let me go. So after a locked embrace 10 minutes later she finally lets go. WTF was that about?

 

 

You were there for her. Your story was a personal insight as was hers.

[floridapad]

BTW, do you think the W is having a change of heart about the M?

 

 

FL98

 

I think the W is slowly starting to have a change of mind and hopefully the heart will follow. She has done more in the last four weeks to show positive growth (ditched match.com, dump her male friend (which did not get serious thank god) and go to confession). That last one (confession) is a biggie for me and her. In away that means there is no going back to the OM and it sounds like she is working on her moral compass. That alone does not mean a hill of beans for "us" but it is a start. She did babble about "coming back" or if "I were to move back in the house" but I try not to react to those and just listen. I did reiterate to her that she told me back when the affair was discovered that she could never love me the way she needed to make her happy. She just said "i'm not so sure anymore". Thats the problem. She's not sure of anything anymore other than her pain over what she did. I am avoiding love busters (ala Homer) and going out and having a heck of a lot of fun. She can do her healing and I will do mine. Should I find her back on match or talking to another man it will pretty much be it. She knows that.

[imagine]

Should I find her back on match or talking to another man it will pretty much be it. She knows that.

 

This sounds like a solid boundary!

[nobmagnet]

Fun is the way to go!!!!!!!!!

 

I intend to have as much as possible. And its great you are too! shame about the ladyboys!! hahahahha

 

like you say she seems to be confused. Lowly asked me for a hug yesterday(he has been dumped i may add) and I said " no sorry i dont want a hug from you."

 

My situation is different.......well all of our situations are different! He was upset and scared for his future, the difference between us is that I am not looking for love and he needs it. I will be happy in my own skin and he wont. I am cool with that.

 

Nobby xxxx

[hopesndreams]

Fun is the way to go!!!!!!!!!

 

I intend to have as much as possible. And its great you are too! shame about the ladyboys!! hahahahha

 

like you say she seems to be confused. Lowly asked me for a hug yesterday(he has been dumped i may add) and I said " no sorry i dont want a hug from you."

 

My situation is different.......well all of our situations are different! He was upset and scared for his future, the difference between us is that I am not looking for love and he needs it. I will be happy in my own skin and he wont. I am cool with that.

 

Nobby xxxx

 

Perfect nob.

[2.50 a gallon]

"I'm going to . . . I feel like a complete Ahole . . . "

 

Moral dilema. You are being a "nice guy". For a lot of the men on this board, one of their faults was being a "nice guy". I know because I had the same problem at times in my past. That got me nowhere, and repeatedly dumped on.

 

When I changed my ways and became the Ahole who would take advantage of a similar situation, and there was a time I would have, my love life totally turned around. The less I cared, and the more I used them, the more women where attracted to me. Deep inside I did not like who I became, but every time I popped back into the "nice guy" mold, I got dumped on again.

 

That is what happened with my XW, I treated her like ch*t for two years, screwed around on her dozens of times, she even caught me in the act with her BF. But still she wanted to marry me, and in fact it was about 2 months after that incident that she proposed to me. I marry, change back into the "nice guy" and 6 months later I catch her kissing another guy. Within a month I am back to being a real jerk of an Ahole, and guess who comes crawling back, and spends the next 3 - 4 years pursuing me.

 

THis is not a vent, just pointing out the facts. I am now a "nice guy" again, and this time it is working for me.

 

Gallon

[floridapad]

It's been a while since I posted on my own thread mostly because there hasn't been much to talk about. I've remained in limbo albeit a pretty damn fun limbo which has helped pass the time but at the end of the day limbo is where I am. I have decided to break free and shake things up. I have decided to move back in the house regardless of my W's wishes. I have been respecting her "wishes" for the last year and a half and it's time we bring this to ahead. Conflict can sometimes create resolution and sometimes it can create an end but at least this dead limbo will be getting shook up.

 

This should be interesting. She is defogging daily and bitter hatred has ensued between the OM and my W and she is opening up greatly to me. She has mentioned reconciliaiton in passing but says she wants to do it the right way. She wants to heal herself more and clear her head and then possibly start dating according to HER counselor. Umm sorry but I have different plans in accordance with MY counselor. If she doesn't like it then she can file a divorce and we can both be on our way.

 

The other day she actually admitted that the whole affair was fake, surreal in a way. She is seeing it for what it was but now she is battling with the feelings she felt and trying to determine if she can have feelings for me. She was also emphatic about her love and care for me but she wanted to get the romantic love, sex desire back. Sorry but relying on dating solely aint going to do it with a 20 year relationship. Intimacy, love and care through action is the only way. Living in the house is the only way. Meeting each others needs is the only way in a 20 year relationship. If she doesn't want to and wants to file for divorce so be it. I will know I did everything. This is it. Now is the time. I am not going to discuss the move in with her I am just going to do it. She did not discuss her affair with me or the separation so I am going in.

 

I will say this separation has given me great strength and now I think I have my man card back to stand up to what will undoubtedly be an interesting first month or two.

[Gunny376]

YOU ROCK!

[confusedinky]

Hey FP, I haven't been on in a couple of weeks (I don't know why I have a real love/hate thing with this site.... it makes me "think" too much!).

 

Anyway HUGE NEWS! I like the attidude, push it until you get a resolution, it's got to be better then limbo.

 

I am pulling for you.

[floridapad]

Gunny and Confused. Thanks for the support! I know what you mean about this site. Sometimes you just need to take a break from it

 

Well things have gotten worse. I lost my job.

God is testing me. I will not fail.

Never knew a man could go through so much but I will not fail! I WILL find the silver lining in this somehow.

I will dig deep down, deeper than I already have and I will not fail.

I do not yet know what the outcome will be but at the end of the day I will not fail regardless of what it may be.

[JaneDoe35]

Hey FP, I am so sorry to hear about your job. Sometimes I feel like I am being tested by God too. He will be proud of me because there is no way I am going to fail either. My daughter was in hospital for a few days last week. I was so scared and husband did not even come to see her. I felt pushed to breaking point but I just kept going. Kept reminding myself of how lucky we are here to have such great healthcare!!

 

You will dig deeper and you will find more strength and your 'silver lining'

 

Thinking of you & your girls....

[2.50 a gallon]

FP

 

Da*n rotten luck. But I wonder if someone is not watching out for you. Maybe a hint that you shouldn't force the issue at this time.

 

On my wedding day, during the ride to the church, my dad had on his normal C&W, and after a couple of "My baby done left me songs" I asked him to switch to a rock station. Had just enough time to hear one song, "Her Name" and the singer goes on to say he misses her as she had left him. The thought crossed my mind, that maybe somebody was giving me a last minute hint and I actually thought about calling off the wedding at that time, but didn't. Coincidence or was somebody trying to tell me something.

 

Gallon

[karnak]

FP

 

Da*n rotten luck. But I wonder if someone is not watching out for you. Maybe a hint that you shouldn't force the issue at this time.

 

On my wedding day, during the ride to the church, my dad had on his normal C&W, and after a couple of "My baby done left me songs" I asked him to switch to a rock station. Had just enough time to hear one song, "Her Name" and the singer goes on to say he misses her as she had left him. The thought crossed my mind, that maybe somebody was giving me a last minute hint and I actually thought about calling off the wedding at that time, but didn't. Coincidence or was somebody trying to tell me something.

 

Gallon

 

Maybe Gallon is right. Sometimes the "Universe" seems to give us very subtle and deep hints that only we are able to decode.

I know this sounds like New Age garbage, and I used to mock of such things in the past. Now I know better.

Life is really the best teacher there is.

[It_Is_What_It_Is]

FP sorry to hear you lost your job. I hope you find another soon. God is looking out for you.

[trippi1432]

Sorry to hear about the job FloridaPad....keep your head up. Who knows, that situation may also be an opportunity. You just never know.

[floridapad]

Thank you all for the support. I do appreciate it. I haven't had the chance to tell the W yet so this is going to be interesting. I'm discontinuing my lease and will be out of the apartment by middle May. When I tell the wife I'm not even going to mention moving back in even though I definately will. I'm going to be minimalist in my conversation and let her do her own thinking. She is still in such deep depression. When I do move back in it I will have to man up like never before. God is testing me and I will not fail!

[floridapad]

OK I finally told the W about the job loss. She had the deer in the headlights look. I calmly explained to her we will be fine financially and everything will work out. As I walked away she came up to me and hugged me and asked if I was OK. Good sign I guess! I haven't told her I'm moving back in the house yet. I'm letting her stew on the situation first to see where her head is at.

 

She also did something for a good friend of mine. She gave him a reference to get his son into the private school she works at. She has never done this for anyone not even our neighbors. My guess is she knows that if we were to reconcile we would be double dating with him and his wife so I think she wanted to be on good terms (She has never even met him). Or she could just be trying to make up for her past mistakes because of the guilt. Who knows.

 

As for me. I'm doing good but limbo SUCKS. I guess I'm learning to live with it by distracting myself. "Trying" to stay out of trouble and not get caught too heavily into the single scene because it can be pretty damn fun, but also a bit lonely. I've stopped dating so I can focus on the recon again. But this time I will not obssess. If it happens it happens. If not then I know I will be OK. I've got to say this separation has been great for my personal healing.

[confusedinky]

Hey FP, I've had my fair share of job loss... never lost a job before 7 years ago and then lost 2 in 4 years. I've been stable for the last 5 but will never forget how uncertain you feel when it happens, compound that w/ your marriage and ugh, I am feeling for you man. That being said EVERY-TIME I went through something like this what was waiting for me was better then what I left.... for every door that closes another opens (I am hoping that's true for my marriage as well).

 

Hang tough!

[floridapad]

I saw the W yesterday. She was in her usual place on the couch. I asked the kids if she is always like that and they said yes she is always tired. This is not like her. She usually is up about working out, doing things in the house etc. etc. She admitted to me after I prodded her a little that she has had suicidal thoughts. If it wasn't for the children she would be done. WHOA!!! The shrink put her on the heaviest meds available. Where do I go from here? I have to get back in that house for my kids sake and her sake. She is so sad that she has completely F'd her life up and doesn't know how to move forward and has absolutely no vision of what a happy life should look like. She is in MLC Hell. Where do I go from here?

[Doing it Since '78]

I saw the W yesterday. She was in her usual place on the couch. I asked the kids if she is always like that and they said yes she is always tired. This is not like her. She usually is up about working out, doing things in the house etc. etc. She admitted to me after I prodded her a little that she has had suicidal thoughts. If it wasn't for the children she would be done. WHOA!!! The shrink put her on the heaviest meds available. Where do I go from here? I have to get back in that house for my kids sake and her sake. She is so sad that she has completely F'd her life up and doesn't know how to move forward and has absolutely no vision of what a happy life should look like. She is in MLC Hell. Where do I go from here?

 

First thing, go as hard as humanly possible in finding employment, take on two jobs if needed. Then get your kids out of there. Do not let your children be any more of a victim to her!

 

Watch her like a hawk, and hold it down!

[floridapad]

I thought I would give you all an update on my sitch.

 

I'm back in the house, in my sons room. Not fighting for the marriage anymore, but GALing my azz off. She has a new BF 10 years younger and is partying on her nights and sleeping in. It's affecting the kids. We went to her personal IC to talk about coparenting and it went pretty well. Her psych was very objective and centered on the kids. I think my W was not too happy by the end of it.

 

Towards the end of the session I asked my W a question I've been wanting to ask her for quite some time ( in front of an objective party). "W,do you feel entitled to the master bedroom. Do you think it is your right?" I could see the counselor smirk and she knew exactly where I was going. Of course my W responded "yes I am entitled to it". Her counslor had that "oh Sh*t" look. I asked my W the same question again to which she started elevating her voice and getting tee'd off and said yes I do have the sole right to the master." to which I replied "It's too bad you feel that way because I'm moving in tomorrow".

 

She started yelling screaming, and her own IC told her to shut up and actually defended me by saying "No W, you are not entitled to the master bedroom. He was looking for a little appreciation for allowing you to have it." REDEMPTION. So, now she is sleeping on a blow up matress in my daughters room and I have the master all to myself. I've been a dorrmat far too long. Too understanding, too needy, too afraid of the divorce. She sensed all of that. Now she knows I don't give a rats azz.

 

Now I am going to exert my authority as head of the family in a fair manner that puts the health of the kids first.

 

Let this be a lesson to all. If your W wants a seperation, divorce, let HER leave the house. I have never felt so out of control in my life as I did when I left the house.

Edited May 18, 2010 by floridapad

[stepka]

Oh FP, good for you. I'm so glad you have things under control now and that must feel really good.

[FeelingLonely98]

Way to go FP. Let HER leave. Or make her fight for the house. Don't just walk out. You know I made my XW leave and I came out smelling like a rose. Hope you end up the same way. Let her move in with her latest BF.