Uhh...guess who's got another problem :/

[AprilFool]

Yep...good ol' April

 

Alright, you all know how frusterating I am, and how I'm never satisfied with the answers I get? AKA, I always have an answer to your answer....Ok, I'll just get to the point:

 

When my husband says that I "nag" him, he doesn't mean "nag"...he means INTERROGATE.

 

My mom used to do this to me all the time. Now that I'm married, and have so many questions that I genuinely want answers too, my husband finds this frusterating. All this time he was throwing tantrums and stuff when I would ask him "Why did you do that?" make sense now.

 

See.....I don't know how to communicate, other than to ask questions. So I say, "Why don't you like to have sex with me?" and he says, "That's a stupid question!" and I say, "Why?" and he doesn't say anything. So then I say, "Why are you getting upset?" and he doesn't say anything. etc etc etc.......again, my MOM used to do this to me all the time, and it really got on my nerves. She would do it to my dad, and I'd see him getting angry, and I'd think, "Why is she pushing him!?!?!?! Is she stupid!?!?!"....now, my husband tells me that I'm pushing him...ugh!

 

Yikes

 

I always thought he was too impatient. Who'd have guessed that I really WAS instigating...I just didn't see it.

 

HERE'S MY QUESTION: What do I do now? The only way that I've learned to communicate is to ask questions.......

 

why are you feeling that way? why are you acting like that? why won't you do this? why don't you like that?

 

Wouldn't that get on your nerves? <---there I go again. I need to know how to tell him what I feel, and figure out what he feels without asking tooooooooooooo many questions...

 

HELP ME STOP!!!!! How do I communicate without interrogating?

[Arabess]

April My Friend!!!!

He is NOT kissing you. He is NOT having sex with you. He is NOT showing you the affection you deserve as a wife.....ESPECIALLY a newlywed!!!!!

 

Interrogation?? You have EVERY RIGHT to interrogate! What's the "nice political correct" way of asking what the HELL is his problem?????

 

I think you should consider all avenues....but PLEASE don't take on the guilt of what's wrong by blaming the problems on HOW you ask the questions!

 

You LOVE this guy and he's behaving like an ASS! I'd make him a medical appointment....a counselling appointment...and if he didn't show up......I'd get the hell out!!!

[AprilFool]

Good point

[midori]

I think it might help you to bear a couple of things in mind:

 

1. just because someone does something that you don't agree with or understand, or if they do something in a manner that you don't agree with or understand, that doesn't mean that they are explicitly aware of why they're doing it. If they don't know why, they're not going to be able to tell you. You do all sorts of things without knowing why. We all do. And regardless of how truly you want to know why they've done it the way they've done it, they don't always owe you an answer.

 

2. People can do things that you wouldn't necessarily do, and that's all right. Your way is fine, and theirs might be too. Or it might not be so bad that you have to call them on it.

 

If your husband leaves his dirty underwear on the floor, perhaps a better thing than asking him "why can't you put this in the hamper?" or "how did you not see that in the middle of the bedroom floor?" would be to say, "oh hey I think that's your underwear on the floor there." Or better yet, don't say anything. Even if you have to walk by it 5 times before he finally gets around to picking it up. His way is different than yours. If his way annoys you, you can tell him "hey I'm tired of tripping over your underwear." Then you've told him that you're annoyed by his behavior, but you leave the decision to change it up to him. You're not ordering him. You're not demanding that he justify himself.

 

If your husband likes to look at pornography online, that is his business. I know in the other thread that you said that you don't like him doing that, and that you would cease any behavior that he objected to -- but is that reasonable? What if he wanted you to stop eating meat because he thought it was wrong? What if he wanted you to stop talking to any men who aren't relatives, because it made him nervous and insecure? Would you acquiesce to that? You're convinced that your wishes are perfectly reasonable -- but he might not agree! Yet if he doesn't comply, you give him the third degree.

 

My mom is quite controlling (but at the same time very kind and genuinely nice). My dad is very much under her thumb. They manage quite well, but I wouldn't want to duplicate their marriage. I have controlling tendencies myself, but I've gradually learned to keep them in check (at least more than I have in the past). There is very often more than one right way to do something. And you simply cannot expect to control another person's behavior. I know that my controlling ways largely stem out of fear: fear that if things don't go exactly the way I've mapped out, then all will fall to pieces.

 

I've become a lot happier since I learned to relax my death grip on outcomes. Once you realize that despite the best-laid plans, things will still get mucked up sometimes, but will eventually turn out all right, you're a bit freer to not get so worked up over little things. I still do now and then. But not so much.

 

It really sounds like you could do with some counseling. You have issues that need to be sorted out. It sounds like your husband does too, absolutely. But you can't force him to do anything. You can take care of yourself though. It could do you a world of good to shift your perspective a bit on your place in the world. You don't have to be on top of everything in order for it to work out all right in the end. And you can't drive your husband in the directions you think he should go in. You don't have to control his every move to keep his love. So he looks at a bit of pornography; that's really no reflection on how attractive he finds you to be. I know that there are bigger problems right now between the two of you than his porn habit. But you might start addressing them by realizing that your perspective is not the only accurate way of seeing and doing things.

 

I'll bet some counseling would do you a world of good. You sound like you're pretty self-aware, and that's an enormous advantage for breaking out of bad patterns.

[AprilFool]

I would like to understand my husband. I know that I am misunderstanding his actions, and that's why I'm feeling the way I am. I know that he loves me; he shows that in so many ways. I love him more than anything. I ask him questions, because he says or does things that hurt me, and I would like to think that he didn't do it JUST to hurt me. So I ask him why he did it (look at porn) and of course, he blamed it on me, by saying "because you only want to have sex when YOU want to have sex. I took that to thought for a while, the realized how rediculous that was! Gradually, he stopped having sex with me more and more (we used to do it 2-3 times on the weekends, because his job makes him go to sleep so early). Part of me thinks that it is because of the porn. I don't know if it's because he needs a visual to get him "up" or if it's because he's choking the chicken while he looks at it, or if it's because that after looking at it, he's so sick of the idea of sex that it just doesn't interest him.

 

I think I need to get off my high horse, and just realize that he's a miserable as I am. We had a little talk last night, and he said that he can't stand to be around me sometimes. It hurt my feelings at first, but then it hit me, "Hey....I can't stand to be around him either!" I love him so much, that it HURTS me that I don't want to be around him. I then thought to myself, "I've been dreading coming home a lot lately..." so I asked him if he looked forward to coming home to me. He said that he "Used to". I asked if he was happy, and he said he wasn't, then I asked if he was ever happy, and he said, "When I'm at work..." so then I asked, "Is that the truth?"...he didn't answer...so I asked again, "Is that the truth?" and he said, "No, my playstation is at home ". I laughed at him, and he laughed.

 

The obvious problem is that we are in love, but we don't like being around each other any more. Honestly, I haven't been wanting to have sex with "HIM" I have just been wanting to have sex!! Maybe that's the problem. Maybe he's more mature than me, and decided that if he isn't wanting "me" but rather wanting "sex" then he'd just rather not have it....hmmmmm

 

I would like for us to be happy together again, and I've been trying to work on that by talking to him, so we can understand and figure out each other's needs and wants. When I voice to him how I feel and what I want and need, I feel so much better. So of course I assume that he needs to talk it out, so I try to get out of him what he wants and needs, but he won't tell me. Maybe I should let him deal with it his own way. But when I let him do that, I feel like he's holding a grudge against me, because he has something that he wants to tell me, but just won't...I think I should just realize that he isn't me, and he deals with his feelings not by talking about them, but by stewing and getting over it in his own time....

 

I don't think he knows what he wants and needs. Maybe he would just be happy if I was happy Maybe he doesn't want or need anything, but for me to quit asking him what's wrong with him. Maybe nothing is....maybe I am making a mountain out of a mole hill. Maybe I should just start telling him what he did to make me feel a certain way, and what I would like for him to do to fix it....and leave it at that...and not ask, "Why did you do that? How are you feeling? How can I keep you from doing that again" etc etc.

 

hmmm...now I have a lot to think about....Thanks midori

[2dancemachines]

Midori, I disagree:

1) Deep down, everyone knows why they do the things they do. "I dunno" is NOT a valid or acceptable answer to spouse's question. A spouse DOES "owe" their partner. It's part of the deal when you make a commitment.

 

2) Since when is sneaking behind your spouse' s back "all right" and "nobody's business"? If a spouse is hiding something, it's WRONG. Whether they are looking at porn or playing Parcheesi on their lunch hour with someone, if the spouse doesn't know about it, it's CHEATING. It's not the nature of the act; it's the concealment that makes it a no-no.

 

AprilFool: You can't control what another person does, but you don't have to accept things you know are wrong. When you find yourself suppressing emotions and biting your tongue because your spouse says you're asking "stupid questions"- it is a flag the relationship is not as it should be. You have to be willing to make yourself proud and say no to the things that you know in your heart aren’t right.

[moimeme]

Honestly, I haven't been wanting to have sex with "HIM" I have just been wanting to have sex!! Maybe that's the problem. Maybe he's more mature than me, and decided that if he isn't wanting "me" but rather wanting "sex" then he'd just rather not have it....hmmmmm

 

Oh good heavens! Would you be happy if your husband 'didn't want sex with you, just wanted SEX'?

 

I suggest you read through the Marriagebuilders site http://www.marriagebuilders.com. There is a lot of good information there. Then I suggest you read John Grey's 'Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus'. I don't agree with all of Grey's theories but he has done a decent job of getting at the heart of some of the big communication issues in marriages.

 

Last advice: turn your attention away from yourself. The most wonderful thing about love is that it makes you want someone else's happiness at least as much as your own - and often more. However, in a lot of cases, after the early stages of love wear off, people's attentions turn back into themselves - to what THEY want and need rather than to what their partners want and need and how to be instrumental in creating that for them.

 

Often, when people refocus on their partners' needs rather than keeping their gaze turned only inward, things change dramatically in a marriage. Love is about giving, after all. Maybe his focus is on himself - but a marriage in trouble won't survive if at least one person steps outside of him/herself and back into focusing on the other. The person in this case may well have to be you.

 

Your post above is encouraging - you're trying to see things from his point of view. If you can continue in that vein, it augurs well for your eventual success.

 

Now, at this juncture, there are people who would ask 'why should SHE make the changes? Why shouldn't HE do the work?'. Love's answer to that is 'because I love' ; being loving often means ignoring those sorts of 'shoulds' when to do otherwise might mean losing love entirely.

[moimeme]

Deep down, everyone knows why they do the things they do.

 

Oh, you are SO wrong! No, people do not. That is why they spend years and thousands of dollars with therapists. Events from our whole lives colour our behaviour and reactions and we often have no idea how this has happened or the effects those things have had on us. If you were right, there would be no need for the entire field of psychology.

 

You have to be willing to make yourself proud and say no to the things that you know in your heart aren’t right.

 

And this is exactly what I meant when I mentioned 'shoulds'. In a troubled relationship, it helps not one whit for both parties to stick firmly to 'shoulds' at the expense of the whole relationship. Sometimes, you throw the 'shoulds' away and play by a different book. Sure, you could be 'proud', ignore his issues, and demand he live up to your demands. Your marriage will collapse. You are the one who is beginning to get some insight into what may be happening. So why not you to take the steps towards repair? Not everybody is good at managing relationships; some people (often men because of how they were socialized) wouldn't have a clue about how to sort the issues out so to sit there and say you 'should' be one way and he 'should' be another is completely unhelpful. You both are what you both are and that's the point where you begin and work from.

 

For seemingly good reasons, your guy feels criticized and not accepted by you. This shuts men down. They don't WANT to discuss issues if they feel they are not accepted. All the rules in the world may say he 'should' discuss with you, but the facts are that if he feels bad, he won't so his feeling bad needs to be mitigated before you two can have the discussions.

[Faerie Princess]

Deep down, most people avoid figuring out why they do what they do and just do it.

 

You're getting a lot of good advice. Research, finding more effective communication skills, that would all help you.

 

I'm a bit of an interrogator as well. But there's a trick to resolving your desire for information and coming across like you're grilling him.

 

1. Don't ask your questions with an idea of what the answer is.

 

2. Listen to the answers with an open mind.

 

3. Start the conversation with an opening volley like, "I'm wondering about (state specific issues) and I'd like to ask you some questions. Is this a good time, and if not, can we plan a time to talk?

 

4. When he clams up, don't go for the jugular. Back down, state that you're willing to talk some other time, but that it's important to you.

 

5. Try to keep your questions away from being accusatory.

 

6. Ask about things that are not hot buttons. Ask for a review of your behavior.

 

7. It's good to talk about feelings and thoughts separately. Feelings are often irrational. Thoughts are often rational.

[AprilFool]

I know I post WAY to many problems on this board, but I've learned that in order for ME to figure out why I feel a certain way I have to talk/write, talk/write, talk/write! Once I've gotten enough feedback and discussed it, I can usually figure out why I feel a certain way. And, obviously, I try to force that on my husband.

 

I apologize for complaining about my marriage so much, but you all are just so freakin helpful!!! I am so glad I came across this site...I was going NUTS before I found someone to talk it out with. Like I said, If I don't talk talk talk, I don't know why I feel a certain way. I used to sit and write looooooong letters to my husband, until I figured out why I was feeling a certain way, then I'd trash them.

 

Now, though, it's not just about me and how I feel, but how he feels too. That's why this site is a God-send.

 

Last night, I told him that I felt like he tried to control me, to which he repied, "how!?" I thought about it, and I couldn't come up with a single shred of evidence to point to him trying to control me. In fact, it's really quite the opposite. He doesn't ask me what websites I've veiwed. He never asks ME if I've looked at porn. He never asks me where I've been, or how much money I've spent. He trusts me, and lets me do my own things.

 

As a matter of fact, if he were more like me, he'd get on my nerves yikes!!!

 

Thank you all so much for your help...I know it has to get old

[AprilFool]

moimeme, I read the suggested website, and my husband fits the "Porn addict" criteria to a TEE!!! Now, how do I get Mr. Whack-off-to-porn-and-lost-all-interest-in-kissing-and-having-sex-with-my-wife to give it up!?!?!?!

 

AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!! At the very LEAST I've identified my problem

[midori]

Originally posted by 2dancemachines

Midori, I disagree:

1) Deep down, everyone knows why they do the things they do. "I dunno" is NOT a valid or acceptable answer to spouse's question. A spouse DOES "owe" their partner. It's part of the deal when you make a commitment.

 

obviously we disagree! fortunately we're not married.

 

when is sneaking behind your spouse' s back "all right" and "nobody's business"? If a spouse is hiding something, it's WRONG. Whether they are looking at porn or playing Parcheesi on their lunch hour with someone, if the spouse doesn't know about it, it's CHEATING. It's not the nature of the act; it's the concealment that makes it a no-no.

 

I never said that sneaking behind your spouse's back is all right. But neither is it all right to impose your view of things on your spouse. If I married someone who decided that he didn't want me to eat meat, and gave me grief about it every time he saw me eat it, I'd eat meat at lunch or other times when I wasn't with him. It's just not worth the grief. By the way this would never happen because I love meat. I'd never marry someone who didn't know that about me, and who wasn't prepared to accept it, even if he didn't eat meat himself. Just an example.

 

And I think that's part of the issue here. There are people who consider pornography to be immoral. Usually that's something one knows about one's partner in advance of marriage. People who have particular views tend to marry like-minded people, that's one of the basics of compatibility. Someone might change their minds after getting married, and thus find themselves disagreeing where once they agreed with their spouse. But that would have to be negotiated. And that's not what's happened here.

 

AprilFool: You can't control what another person does, but you don't have to accept things you know are wrong. When you find yourself suppressing emotions and biting your tongue because your spouse says you're asking "stupid questions"- it is a flag the relationship is not as it should be. You have to be willing to make yourself proud and say no to the things that you know in your heart aren’t right.

 

I agree that you shouldn't have to remain silent about things that trouble you. Speak up, by all means! But know that you do not have the right to insist that your spouse conform to your wishes. If porn is a deal-breaker for AprilFool, either because it makes her terribly insecure about herself or because she's morally opposed to it, then she will have to put it to her husband as such. 'Porn or me, you choose.' She can tell him why she objects. But the choice would be his. And she would have to be willing to live with that choice -- which might mean living without her husband.

 

My point is that just because one partner doesn't like a particular behavior doesn't mean it's wrong.

[FreeMe]

Midori, I love the way you put that!

Originally posted by midori

I've become a lot happier since I learned to relax my death grip on outcomes.

 

 

 

April - maybe he's a passive-aggressive - sometimes it's hard to put your finger on what they are doing, because to the outward eye, they're not really doing anything - that's where the "passive" part comes in. That's how they control - it's by manipulation. It's not obvious so you start thinking you're imagining things.

 

Also, even though I don't think you are the problem, I do think that was a good realization you made about the way you communicate. For your own good, you should seek counseling and learn how to communicate more effectively. Don't do it for your relationship at this point. Do it for YOU and it may end up helping your relationship. If your relationship ends up not working out (I hope it does), it will definitely help you in your next one.

 

Also, think of this - you may not have the best communicating skills, but at least you are trying to communicate, which is a lot more than he is doing.

[moimeme]

April -

 

Forget the 'porn addiction' for now. It sounds like there are a lot of other issues. He may have turned to porn for sexual relief because he doesn't want sex because of the state of the relationship. Forget all about the porn. Start with the rest of the relationship. He may always look at porn, even if you get the relationship working, of course. And if you are not willing or able to accept that, I agree with Midori. Tell him 'me or porn' and leave. If it is such a big deal to you that it's a deal-breaker, then break the deal and move on. You will never succeed in forcing him to change to be who you want him to be. Might as well find someone who shares your values in this respect exactly.

[AprilFool]

I'm so depressed....my marriage is falling apart

[moimeme]

I know - and it's awful. However, don't give up! Really, check out Marriagebuilders. He's got some great ideas and he deals with situations where one spouse is not really participating in the rebuilding of the marriage.

[AprilFool]

I was on the bed, playing with the dog, and he just came in, got on top of me, kissed me on the cheek, and said, "I love you......I'm sorry." At this point, I wasn't in the mood to make up, so I just asked, "What for?" and he said, "for you being mad..."

 

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

WHAT THE HELL KIND OF APOLOGY IS THAT!?!?!?!?!

[midori]

Originally posted by AprilFool

I was on the bed, playing with the dog, and he just came in, got on top of me, kissed me on the cheek, and said, "I love you......I'm sorry." At this point, I wasn't in the mood to make up, so I just asked, "What for?" and he said, "for you being mad..."

 

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

WHAT THE HELL KIND OF APOLOGY IS THAT!?!?!?!?!

 

... a sincere one? Or did I misread you?

[carra]

if i'm not wrong, i think your husband feels akward and maybe a bit ashamed of the situation your marriage is in. this may be his way of apologizing without getting to mushy or losing some of his pride. i understand you are mad about the past, but you have to leave all the bad stuff behind if you want to improve your relationship with your husband. it seem like your husband is attempting to make up with you, and maybe if you show more support and love toward him, even though he has hurt you, he will want to start pleasing you again, but you have to show acceptance for who he does, not what he does, then maybe he will not rebel as much toward your wishes and start to feel good about you, him, and the relationship. i know it's easier said then done, but hey, life is not easy. stay positive, good luck!

[AprilFool]

lol, I just thought it was silly how he said that he was sorry that I got mad...it's like he's sorry because I'm the way I am, and not because he's done anything wrong.

 

I forgive him

[moimeme]

Don't tell us - tell him!

[ConfusedSoul]

He isnt happy with you! And the only time he is,is at work! What the hell,why the hell did he marry you if he feels this way. this is crap,I'd get out of this because you shouldent be treated this way.

[Thinkalot]

AprilFool...I hope things are improving for you..I have just read through this thread. My partner also sometimes says I interrogate him and ask too many questions...and I do have some control issues. I have become aware of my own faults and begun working on them, rather than focussing on the faults I perceive my partner to have. All of us are human with our own strengths and weaknesses. Midori's post I found most helpful...I need to reduce my death grip on the outcomes too! So, yes, try and do that.

 

Also, try and follow the advice given by moimeme to focus on HIS happiness instead of your own for a while. I have had to learn to do this with my bf. Sometimes I get so on my high horse and so caught up in what he SHOULD be doing/thinking feeling etc, I forget about his wishes and I actually become selfish I think (took a while to realise this, or see things this way). I am not suggesting you do this forever, if you feel you receive nothing in return. Don't become a doormat in other words. But maybe if you do it for a while, you WILL receive more in return, and the two of you may relax and be able to talk about all your issues more easily.

 

My partner is much more loving towards me when I offer him love and affection and just "ease up" on things and lighten myself up. Anyway, just a thought. You also need to let go of the anger and the bad things in your past etc, and try and start fresh, with the love between you. Easier said than done. My bf and I have had our ups and downs, but we love each other deeply and have both had to work on just letting old hurts go.

 

Good luck. Counselling is always helpful too.

[AprilFool]

My husband and I have been getting along wonderfully lately. I have been trying to show him love, and to be less selfish, and more understanding, and we have been really close lately.

 

One thing you did say, though, was to let go of past anger. I was sitting at my desk today working, and something he did to me 4 months ago crossed my mind, and I got VERY upset. He's appologized for it, though, and I've forgiven him, but why do these thoughts keep coming to mind? Why can't I just forgive and forget?

[moimeme]

Past wounds tend to hurt for a while. I have heard of people doing things like writing down all their thoughts about a past wound and then burning the paper or ripping it up to symbolize their letting go of the hurt. You could give it a try!

 

So glad to hear that things are going better! Very best of luck to you both.