Arabess Posted December 5, 2003 Share Posted December 5, 2003 I've never posted a personal problem on here....but I think I will share THIS one since I consider you all my friends. My 14 year old daughter has been totally acting out. She is NOT going to school (even though she is in gifted), hanging around the wrong crowd (even though she is popular in her own crowd) and GAWD.....asking me for birth control....and stealing money and cigarettes from me. Her Dad was an absentee Dad for 6 years now. (YEP...no child support...no visitation) He is now living fairly close to us ( a county away) and she has had contact with him. She informed me this morning she WOULD NOT attend school or her opera classes (which is the love of her life!)....till I would agree to let her go live with her Dad. To salvage this school year (she's missed 45+ days) ....I AGREED to the arrangement as long as she enrolls in school and is attending. Most of today....and tonight....I feel like I've faced a wierd death. I LOVE this child. However, I had to back down in order to give her some options. I let her pack her clothes and go stay with her Dad till AT LEAST the first of the year....and possibly the rest of the school term. Her brother and her aren't for sale. I don't require HIS money. He can buy them stuff or not. BUT...now this ASSCLOWN has my child in his home!! I feel like a part of me is missing...... Does anyone have any opinions regarding their children going to live with a former ABSENTEE parent??????? Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted December 5, 2003 Share Posted December 5, 2003 Arabess, I'm sorry you're having a rough time of it with your daughter. I'm sorry, I only had some stepkids for a while, so I can't really speak as a mother but surely you remember the years between 13 and 17! Will he be a conscientious father? He was absentee, but men who have been absent from their children's lives sometimes make up for that - is it possible he'll do that? It's going to be very difficult for you, but thank heavens she didn't just run away. Can you work with her father to make sure she gets through this rebellion ok? Link to post Share on other sites
lostforwords Posted December 5, 2003 Share Posted December 5, 2003 awww arabess im sorry to hear that your going through this..... perhaps he will be the type of father that makes up for lost time with her.... and things go well..... or perhaps he will see he may not be cut out for the job as teenage girls do need a mother figure around as well..... and just maybe they can come to a consensual agreement that she is better off with you.... and maybe she'll realize that after a few months time...... my heart does go out to you. chin up girlfren!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Arabess Posted December 5, 2003 Author Share Posted December 5, 2003 The truth is Moimeme....he left me for ANOTHER GUY while he was the Assoc. Pastor of the church we attended for 10 years. Out of total embarassment....he was out of the picture for all these years. I actually REFUSED his money in court. I said if he wanted to send the kids money...that was up to him. NO...he sent NONE! BUT, I don't think his "sexual preference" would at all make him LESS of a Father. I even think if Hitler were a person's Father...there would be a blood tie.....and maybe the wiser person knows you don't come between that tie. It's a relationship which need to work ITSELF out without interference from a disgruntled MOM! Somehow though....watching her walk away with her suitcases and Karioke machine....made me cry like hell in the parking lot. DAMMIT....she is MINE! Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted December 5, 2003 Share Posted December 5, 2003 The truth is Moimeme....he left me for ANOTHER GUY Well, m'dear, welcome to the club. Actually, mine realized he was gay and then eventually got together with another guy - a pal of mine from university that I introduced him to!!!!! DAMMIT....she is MINE! I know. You know she'll be better off if she manages to work out a good relationship with her dad, though, and you'll be proud of you both if she does. Link to post Share on other sites
jenny Posted December 5, 2003 Share Posted December 5, 2003 this is not on point concerning absentee parents - but your daughter sounds blushingly familiar to me. for me, it was not at all parental; my 'rents were great, just a little overprotective and naive. i was a monster until i felt challenged at school - i cut class, took up with older boys, did cid, wore semi-gothicky clothes - but still got good grades and loved my honours' classes. i feel very lucky still i never got in any serious trouble. this is not particularly helpful, sorry. i guess i just want you to know this is a fairly common occurence among girls. the girl i tutor now is also too smart for the wild crowd and too wild for the goody crowd - it's a tough place to be. i had a very hard time figuring out how to productively sublimate my reckless urges - pseudo- extreme sports helped a lot then. (parasailing is better than any smokin' muscled young thug!) university helped a lot too, but i still had some lapses. i think i came to a point where i just realized this was part of my personality, and i was better off channeling it than fighting it. i think you are doing the exact right thing by letting her have a legitmate safe adventure by visiting her dad. i suspect she will soon realize how much she needs you and misses you... anyway, keep us updated! she is a lucky girl! Link to post Share on other sites
bark Posted December 5, 2003 Share Posted December 5, 2003 Arabess, I'm the parent of a 16 year old daughter and 14 year old son. When my daughter, H, turned 13 or 14 she began acting out with boys and drugs (ie, grass). She also turned against her mother, with whom she had been very close, and really started to bond with me at home. Many teenage daughters turn against mom and gravitate slightly towards dad. But H was also having issues in school--academic . We had her tested and an educational psychologist strongly recommended boarding school because of its more structured environment. Beginning in 8th grade H stated boarding school in another state. Our little girl is now in 10th grade there and doing brilliantly. Believe me, her leaving us was very, very hard but she's thriving as a student, athlete and young lady. I 'm not pushing boarding school, but sometimes an acting out adolescent needs to separate from one parent in order to define herself with another parent. I suspect that's what is happening with your daughter. I just hope dad is not an easy mark, and that he imposes some structure and discipline in her life. After a while, she'll learn the grass is not always greener... If things with dad go south, you may want to consider more structured learning options. Hang in there, Arabess. As the father of an occasionally acting out 16 year old girl, I know what you're going through. Let's hope all of you get through this with sanity and health intact. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Arabess Posted December 5, 2003 Author Share Posted December 5, 2003 THANK YOU.......THANK YOU.....THANK YOU! You guys are all wonderful! It felt wierd this morning with her not being here.....but I'm sure she felt equally as wierd. She's never been away from home except for the occasional band trip and I suspect she will be feeling homesick before too long. Maybe being AWAY from home will bring her to a new appreciation. If anything, he will be far stricter on her than I am. Other than being a CHEAP FRUGAL Bastard....he will probably be a good loving Dad. He lives in the middle of NOWHERE...with no phone line for her computer (he uses cell only) and no cable TV. I'm "a-thinkin" she's going to be missing what she has here. I did tell her she could come back home ONLY if she signs a contract with me that she WILL go to school and she WILL keep the rules of the house. Again, THANKS for your responses....ALL of them! Link to post Share on other sites
EnigmaXOXO Posted December 5, 2003 Share Posted December 5, 2003 My story is almost identical to Barks, Arabess. After eight councilors between my ex-husband and daughter, I became desperate to save her from a life of drugs and alcohol. One evening, after the police where called in after one of her violent outbursts, I suggested to her father that the only course of action was to remove her from her current social environment --- to get her away from the current crowd she was hanging with and place her into a boarding school where there would be more structure. This came as a suggestion by a very close friend who had to do the same thing with her own daughter. The current high school she was attending was referred to as "Heroine High" by hospital officials because there had been 40 Heroine over doses that school year alone. My husband, who was also a recovering drug addict and alcoholic at the time, was instructed to attend "Get Tough" parenting courses by our councilor. He only attended two meetings before deciding he didn't like it and quit. He said the "boarding school" idea was too drastic. An argument ensued in front of my daughter and the police officers who did there best to support me. The officers could not take my daughter into custody or force her into a facility because no actual crime had been committed. But they tried to encourage my husband to do take the difficult step before the problem got worse. Angry that he felt 'ganged up on,' he grabbed my 17-year-old daughter and left the house. I begged Kayla to come home, but she would have no part of it. She said she wanted to stay with her Daddy because she could do what she wanted and she was sick of "my rules." I contacted our councilor and an attorney in regards to gaining custody, but my daughter threatened to run away if she was forced to live with me. And her father and his family had money and threatened to drag it out in court for the next seven months until she turned eighteen. I know the pain of loosing a daughter. Of all the things I've gone through, this is the one hurt I think I will never recover from. My daughter is still alive, THANK GOD, but during the time she spent with her father she had gotten worse. While her father remained in denial that his daughter was in crisis, she became an alcoholic and heroine addict. At twenty-one, she has been in re-hab three times and is (and will always be) totally dependent on her methadone treatments and father's financial support. My husband has since admitted to his bad call in judgment, but its too late to turn back time and undo all the damage that’s been done. I don't even know if there was anything I could have done to FORCE her not to walk out that door with him. There are still times when I grieve and cry over the loss of my baby girl...more so, at the loss of all that potential I once saw in her. Letting go of your babies is never easy. The agony a mother suffers is far worse than the pain of bringing them into the world. But I'd walk through hell and back all over again just to know that I can still see her, touch her, even just smell her hair. It doesn't matter how many times our children shout "I hate you." It doesn’t matter what they do to hurt you or themselves. It doesn’t matter who or what kind of people they grow up to be. All is forgiven because a mother's love for her child is forever "unconditional.” And of all the many kinds of ‘love’ there are, I have come to believe that the love of a parent is the purest love of all. She’ll come back to you, Arabess. Sooner or later we all realize that in our endless search for unconditional love and acceptance, the only place to truly find what we so desperately need is in hearts of our mothers. One day, that stubborn little girl will grow up to realize that you are not only her mother…but also her best friend. And like me, you’ll be waiting there for her with your arms wide open! Link to post Share on other sites
BabyGirl Posted December 5, 2003 Share Posted December 5, 2003 That's a good idea to write up a contract with her if she comes home. I believe in the "tough love" approach to raising kids. There are things I would not tolerate. Smoking is one of them. It's deadly, and illegal for minors anyway. It's a good idea to always know where your kids are...and who their with, and what their doing. Also let them know that if they lie...you will find out the truth, and lying won't be tolerated. It's up to you to keep them on the straight path, and teach them to do the right thing, even when you're not around. Link to post Share on other sites
shakespearefan Posted December 5, 2003 Share Posted December 5, 2003 Originally posted by EnigmaXOXO She’ll come back to you, Arabess. Sooner or later we all realize that in our endless search for unconditional love and acceptance, the only place to truly find what we so desperately need is in hearts of our mothers. I hope Arabess' daughter does come back to her, and I think Bark was right when he said the daughter thinks the grass will be greener on the other side. However, Enigma, I think you are being unfair to fathers. Just because your child's father was irresponsible doesn't mean all fathers are that way. My son will always have unconditional love and acceptance from me. Link to post Share on other sites
EnigmaXOXO Posted December 5, 2003 Share Posted December 5, 2003 However, Enigma, I think you are being unfair to fathers. Just because your child's father was irresponsible doesn't mean all fathers are that way. My son will always have unconditional love and acceptance from me. Never meant to imply that all fathers are irresponsible, and I apologize if you mis-interpreted something in my post which led you to believe I had. My response to Arabess was from one mother to another who is watching her daughter walk out the door and is grieving the loss. Of course you love you child unconditionally...as every parent should. (sigh) Link to post Share on other sites
Author Arabess Posted December 5, 2003 Author Share Posted December 5, 2003 You clarified your post to Shake...just as I was typing a respond to him that you were just sharing a story. A very important story to. In my case, she's actually SAFER at her Dad's than at my house. I live in a basically military area where the kids are rough and tough. They often have absentee Dads who are on a long deployment, they have been around the block a time or two....and are QUITE knowledgeable in the areas of drugs and sex. Then, there are the good kids too. She just happened to gravitate from a good group to a bad group. The school she has skipped is UNREAL...this brilliant child is FLUNKING! To add to it....I really think she was acting out because she DID want to go live with her Dad and get to know him. The last 6-7 years of his absence, has left a big gap in her heart. Therefore, I made the decision yesterday to just help her pack her stuff and let her go before she got into the type of drug trouble your daughter did. I was also hoping to somehow salvage this school year. I'm ALSO not ready to become a grandmother.....LOL! It IS hard being a parent and knowing what to do. I had more "fear" instilled in me than I gave to my children. My mother warned me I would regret it later. I really do think we live in so much guilt over divorce and having to work...that we let our kids....when they are young....get by with too much. I never did the spank thing when they were young....and to be honest....I'm kind of regretting it. Link to post Share on other sites
bark Posted December 5, 2003 Share Posted December 5, 2003 Arabess, it's not just a question of discipline. I believe that it is not unusual for teenagers to want to live with the absent parent. The motives are many: curiosity, novelty, escape the custodial, disciplinarian parent and just plain old fatigue. It's also possible that your daughter senses her life is unraveling and this may be her way of starting fresh by changing environments. In other words, this just might be adaptive behavior on her part. Also, my sister-in-law took her 3 year old son and 6 year old daughter and left her nasty husband in Ohio and moved back to Pennsylvania. They lived here for years. But when her now 15 year old son told her he wanted to live with dad in Ohio, she relented. The boy is now 17 and enjoying his time with his father. My nephew, moreover, has always been a well-adjusted kid. Kids do this sort of thing. So there you have it: this stuff happens. Just keep the connections with your daughter open (I know you will) and I suspect you'll get through this with your sanity intact. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
EnigmaXOXO Posted December 5, 2003 Share Posted December 5, 2003 It's a crap shoot, Arabess. You can be the worst parent in the world and your child may come out just fine. Or you can be the best parent in the world and they will slip right through your fingers. There are many factors at play. First, the individual personality each child is born with. Then comes the nurturing and guidance of the parent/s. Lastly, and sometimes more important in the influence of every child, is their social environment and/or conditioning. As peer groups become surrogent families, our children begin to pull away from us eager to stretch their wings and assert their independence. And all a parent can do is hang on for dear life. Families must do everything they can to stand between their children and drugs. Even if it means becoming the enemy and making difficult sacrifices. Even if it means you must spend years and thousands of dollars to hire a councilor or third-party mediator. Even if you must become the snoop, the truant officer, the embarrassing nagging parent who calls the other kid's house to make sure you child is where they said they were going to be. And even if all your efforts fail, as long as you know in your heart you did the very best you could, as long as you know you fought a good fight before losing that battle, you will have the peace of mind knowing you were the best darn parent you could possibly be. And that's all that any of us can do. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Arabess Posted December 5, 2003 Author Share Posted December 5, 2003 Originally posted by EnigmaXOXO It's a crap shoot, Arabess. HAHAHA Enigma....sometimes I think ALL of life is like that!!!! Sometimes it's so complicated....I wish I would've been a fish. Thanks Bark....as always.... Link to post Share on other sites
EnigmaXOXO Posted December 5, 2003 Share Posted December 5, 2003 If you were a fish, you'd still have to protect your little guppies from sharks. Link to post Share on other sites
bark Posted December 5, 2003 Share Posted December 5, 2003 Your welcome, Arabess. If you ever need more support or counsel you know where we live. Link to post Share on other sites
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