How often do dumpers realize their mistakes?

[madlad]

Mine's been four months and she still has no interest in talking to me, even though the breakup was very calm. (no name calling or that stuff)

But your last sentence sounds like her. From what I've heard, post-breakup of course, is that she tends to move from one to the next.

 

 

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Mine has been 3 months and nearly 2 weeks..

 

She is a completely different person.. Made up stuff that wasn't true just to have the excuses to tell people..

 

Her stupid friends are nasty bastards too!

 

I mean this in the nicest possible way guys.... Glad i'm not the only one going through this. Good to have people who understand fully, no matter the difference. =) thanks

[madlad]

By presuming that dumper made a mistake by leaving you is to come across as if you believe you are God's gift to women/men (I don't know if you are a guy or gal) & that nobody would ever have a good reason to leave you.

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listen mate, Sometimes we do everything we can to make our partner happy.. everyday we do our best to suit their needs..

 

We put them before ourselves every single day..

 

We'd take any kind of punishment for them! even death..

 

then they **** you over! don't have the decency to end it face to face, **** off with some other little cunt who actually don't give a ****..

 

Throw's the whole 2yrs in your face and figuring out it was a damm lie!!!

 

now, sometimes my friend.. They are to blame!!

[EcstasyX6]

Immaturity and overly high expectations is the main cause of breakups where one party did not lie, cheat, or totally ignore the other....Regaurdless of age...Good people get dumped everyday by selfish people.

 

I think most of the time just the idea of love and its commercialized BS confuses people into believing that it should all be butterflies all the time...Filled with I Love You's, forget me nots, heated passionate sex, flowers, candies, candles, jewelry, ect...In reality its not even close to what Hallmark or Hollywood makes it out to be. Love is comfortable. Life is tough, and it doesnt get any easier.

 

Finding a stable man or woman to stand by your side as you take the beating life dishes you is the ultimate goal....The honeymoon does not last forever and eventually you are left with your best friend in life whom you will raise a family with...

 

Do dumpers realize they made a mistake...I really dont know...Ive had ex's come back into my life and say they missed me and feel they made a mistake...Didnt mean I took them back...I think of myself as a fairly decent human being with high morals...Maybe at times I wasnt a good match, but other times I just feel I was involved with the wrong and worst type person who was only out for themselves...

 

In reality. Breakups occur for various reason in most cases for the right ones whether you are dumped or doing the dumping...READ MY SIG...I think you will agree with a lot of what I wrote..

 

 

I haven't read this whole thread. Just don't have the time this morning, but I wanted to add my 2 cents:

 

The firs paragraph is oversimplifying the situation IMO. Maybe that's true for some dumpers who aren't too thoughtful, but I bet it's not for most. What someone else's 'high expectations are', may be a low on the list of priorities for someone else in life. Some people don't want to be married to their best friend only, they want the deep love and passion that can also thrive in a long term relationship. Sure every relationship goes through stages, but that deep love should enable you to repeat aspects of the honeymoon when you have private time. Yes love should be comfortable, but much more than just a long term buddy.

 

The dumpee is typically quite content I noticed and has accepted a certain status quo in life. Their partner meets all or most of their needs, where the dumper has been dissatisfied often for years trying to make the dumpee happy, and wanting to raise the bar of his or her existence. They reach critical boiling point, and leave because the other person, typically blindsided, just doesn't get it , for various reasons, because their life suited them.

 

Obviously, I'm not speaking of all situations. It's often not a mistake, but a difference it expectations in the quality of life, not selfishness. One simply wants more or something very different out of life. Your partner can't bring you happiness, but he or she can certainly add or detract from it when you're not well matched.

 

All that being said, I concur with you on your last paragraph.

[Dream Brother]

No offense but it comes across as presumptuous and condescending to ask how often dumpers realize their mistakes. Who are you to say they made a mistake in the 1st place by breaking up with you?

 

Just because someone doesn't want to be with you it doesn't mean they've made a mistake.

 

I might be wrong but I thought the reason for the thread was cases where the dumper DID realise they made a mistake, not that all dumpers make mistakes and regret their decisons. Of course not all dumpers regret their decisions, most of us have been on both sides and know this to be true.

[2sure]

I am by nature a loyal person so if I dump someone its because I did realize the mistake.

[Nikki Sahagin]

I have to agree that often it is only the dumpees perception that the dumper 'made a mistake'.

 

Obviously some people do make decisions and live to consider them mistakes (not just within relationships) but most people are emotionally and mentally stable enough to not regret those mistakes, instead they learn from them. Of course there are situations where people get back together and can work out but this is usually only if the people are quite equal in terms of how they feel about one another. If one person feels less for the other, or has grown to feel this way over time, well normally those feelings wont magically return.

 

Sometimes we do have something amazing and special with someone, but for some reason, for 1 or the other or both, it fades. I remember when my ex used to speak to me for 24 hours straight on msn, draw me pictures of us in a house with kids and kiss me like how i'd imagine it would feel in a movie. That was my 'movie/fairytale' love; that was an immens/intense love for me. But looking back on it....it was so bizare because I was crazily IN LOVE with him but there were many times when I realised I don't like this person or believe in what he does or like what he thinks or says about the world.

 

You must also consider that even if someone does think they made a mistake, that doesn't mean they'll come back. They might be stubborn, afraid or just prefer to focus on newer less complex relationships.

 

When you're getting over an ex you usually do try to focus on the negative. Just as we focus on theirs, they too focus on ours. And in many cases we contributed (whether consciously or unconsciously) to the relationships downfall. I think most people see themselves in the right and can always justify to themselves what they do. In that sense, the dumper will always see themselves as right and so will the dumpee.

 

My ex once confided to me that he will never know if it was a mistake breaking up with me. To me that means....if he doesn't regret it now, then it wasn't a mistake for him, it was right.

 

It hurts a lot and the way he has behaved since makes me dislike him, but love is a very bizare and unusual thing that i'm not sure truly exists in a romantic sense. I think love for family and friends is forever, but romantic love no....because it changes into family/friend love. In the beginning it only feels crazy because its mixed with lust and hormones, after that its just your family, just your buddy. If people can accept that, they can be happy in relationships. I actually also personally believe sometimes the more suffering 2 people go through together in a relationship can make or break them. People don't want someone normal or generic, they want someone that to THEM is unique, special and can give them what no-one else can. Sometimes that something is a shared history, the first kiss, loss of virginity - something that you can't re-create with anyone new.

 

I wouldn't focus on thinking your ex made a mistake. Assume they are happy and will not come back and act accordingly.

[Dream Brother]

 

When you're getting over an ex you usually do try to focus on the negative. Just as we focus on theirs, they too focus on ours. And in many cases we contributed (whether consciously or unconsciously) to the relationships downfall. I think most people see themselves in the right and can always justify to themselves what they do. In that sense, the dumper will always see themselves as right and so will the dumpee.

 

Yea I agree with this but I have seen a lot of posts and 'follow-this' NC guides where it is suggested that the dumper after a while only remembers the GOOD things about the dumpee, but based on experience and both sides of fence I cannot relate to this and think it is actually the opposite, in general. The stubborn dumper that perhaps regrets a little at some moments will always remember the bad things to keep them feeling they made the right choice or may remember good and bad and still feel justified in their decision. If they have moved on properly, in a new relationship why would they dwell on the good points of an older relationship that has nothing compared to the euphoric feeling they have now? Comparison? Possibly but not strong enough for regret, realising a mistake I would say.

[Nikki Sahagin]

Yea I agree with this but I have seen a lot of posts and 'follow-this' NC guides where it is suggested that the dumper after a while only remembers the GOOD things about the dumpee, but based on experience and both sides of fence I cannot relate to this and think it is actually the opposite, in general. The stubborn dumper that perhaps regrets a little at some moments will always remember the bad things to keep them feeling they made the right choice or may remember good and bad and still feel justified in their decision. If they have moved on properly, in a new relationship why would they dwell on the good points of an older relationship that has nothing compared to the euphoric feeling they have now? Comparison? Possibly but not strong enough for regret, realising a mistake I would say.

 

I think normally dumpers and dumpees go in the opposite direction as you state. The dumped focus on the positives of the relationship but eventually begin to see the flaws of the dumper and the relationship - this is necessary in moving on, which is why those that idealise a lost relationship do not successfully move on for some time.

 

The dumper by contrast focuses on the negative initially (because they want to leave the relationship) but over time may begin to miss what the relationship was or regret that they didn't try or realise what the positives were at the time. My ex said he couldn't believe how much he ignored that was positive in only searching for the negative. But I think generally people have good memories, but don't want the relationship back. I think the relationship is remembered as being good, but the PERSON you were involved with you become indifferent to. You really do just fall out of love just as you fell into it.

 

And you're completely right; if they are meeting great new people, they wont really dwell on what they had with you - unless you 2 had something very intense/unique that somehow no-one else can mirror. Usually there's a reason why the dumpee or the dumper chooses to harbour an interest in their ex.

[Dream Brother]

if they are meeting great new people, they wont really dwell on what they had with you - unless you 2 had something very intense/unique that somehow no-one else can mirror. Usually there's a reason why the dumpee or the dumper chooses to harbour an interest in their ex.

 

Agreed Nikki. The problem with these types of reconciliations or thoughts of is that once the dumper realises they dropped something unique and something that was after all right for them after pursuing some post breakup relationships, it's often too late which comes back to the thread topic - the dumper doesn't always maintain the power they had when dumping the reluctant dumpee and the dumpee has moved on. A real tragedy but important lesson nevertheless.

[Nikki Sahagin]

Agreed Nikki. The problem with these types of reconciliations or thoughts of is that once the dumper realises they dropped something unique and something that was after all right for them after pursuing some post breakup relationships, it's often too late which comes back to the thread topic - the dumper doesn't always maintain the power they had when dumping the reluctant dumpee and the dumpee has moved on. A real tragedy but important lesson nevertheless.

 

Its funny how the world works that way. I take it as what goes around comes around. The dumper may eventually realise what they did to the dumpee...of course I don't mean in cases where the dumper breaks up with someone in the nicest possible way, but when its done quickly or cruelly. Sometimes I think people are very quick to get rid of someone without really knowing or understanding why. In time when they experience more relationships/sexual partners and realise the reality of what relationships are, they may realise they had a pretty good deal with you, but they can't always realise that at the time, its only ever in hindsight! Very weird world, well...its not the world thats weird, but certainly human beings are.

[madlad]

I agree to pretty much all of these comments above.

 

They all make sense.

 

I just feel that sometimes, the strongest love can be broken.

most of the time, for the wrong reasons.

 

People nowa days expect fairytale relationships..

 

No arguing, no problems, no pain, no sadness..

 

to be fair, We have to feel this things to be able to feel happiness, love, comfort... every emotion has a price to pay..

 

At the end of the day, Relationships that go through thick and thin together and still left standing strong at the end is the one's that is meant to be. ( what i want ) - what we all want infact.

 

Life ain't easy, neither is relationships. It takes 2, Always.. But 9 times out of 10, 1 will give up, Leaving one to hold both sides, and eventually just fall to pieces..

 

As soon as people realize these points, the better.. but this world is ****, this life sucks, not everyone will see it this way..

[madlad]

I think normally dumpers and dumpees go in the opposite direction as you state. The dumped focus on the positives of the relationship but eventually begin to see the flaws of the dumper and the relationship - this is necessary in moving on, which is why those that idealise a lost relationship do not successfully move on for some time.

 

The dumper by contrast focuses on the negative initially (because they want to leave the relationship) but over time may begin to miss what the relationship was or regret that they didn't try or realise what the positives were at the time. My ex said he couldn't believe how much he ignored that was positive in only searching for the negative. But I think generally people have good memories, but don't want the relationship back. I think the relationship is remembered as being good, but the PERSON you were involved with you become indifferent to. You really do just fall out of love just as you fell into it.

 

And you're completely right; if they are meeting great new people, they wont really dwell on what they had with you - unless you 2 had something very intense/unique that somehow no-one else can mirror. Usually there's a reason why the dumpee or the dumper chooses to harbour an interest in their ex.

 

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Exactly true, It's been 3 months and like nearly 2 weeks since my ex left..

 

she had another guy waiting i know, now she's happy ya know.. But i'm left thinking of all the good things, wondering why, being confused..

 

I was / am in pieces and pretty much on my knees ( expression ) she had none of it, completely different person ya know.. Would give full story, but wouldn't wanna bore you guys nor jack this thread

 

But hey, Some part of me is happy for her.. just be nice if i could feel some happiness in one of my days soon huh. I've dwelled on it long enough, the feeling won't budge, just getting worse for every passing day..

 

Just keep thinking about the love we had. Not being blind nor a dick ,but what we had was good, we was so in love for 2yrs 2 months.. i couldn't describe it, we were so close.. nothing mattered.. but it all changed... I just don't get it. =(

 

Any advise would be nice, rather than sarcy ones..

 

Thanks 4 reading, n sorry 4 kinda going off subject or atleast to my subject..

[Art_Critic]

I am by nature a loyal person so if I dump someone its because I did realize the mistake.

 

quoted for truth.. great way of thinking about it 2sure..

[Weezy]

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Exactly true, It's been 3 months and like nearly 2 weeks since my ex left..

 

she had another guy waiting i know, now she's happy ya know.. But i'm left thinking of all the good things, wondering why, being confused..

 

I was / am in pieces and pretty much on my knees ( expression ) she had none of it, completely different person ya know.. Would give full story, but wouldn't wanna bore you guys nor jack this thread

 

But hey, Some part of me is happy for her.. just be nice if i could feel some happiness in one of my days soon huh. I've dwelled on it long enough, the feeling won't budge, just getting worse for every passing day..

 

Just keep thinking about the love we had. Not being blind nor a dick ,but what we had was good, we was so in love for 2yrs 2 months.. i couldn't describe it, we were so close.. nothing mattered.. but it all changed... I just don't get it. =(

 

Any advise would be nice, rather than sarcy ones..

 

Thanks 4 reading, n sorry 4 kinda going off subject or atleast to my subject..

 

How did you handle the break, did you go strait NC?

[madlad]

How did you handle the break, did you go strait NC?

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Can't get over it mate. I am in pieces day in day out.

 

She doesn't care, she did NC but for no reason, i'm a understandable guy ya know..

 

She tells her friends i'm a dick ect, making up lies to make her feel better for what she has done.

 

she plays me. Sometimes we speak, due to me breaking NC, she replies a bit, then she just stops and ignores me.

 

She seems happier, but i want ehr back so bad.

 

I NEED to snap out of it and move on, but being eachothers FIRST in all ya know.. It's hard, she is currently with er ex, who was NOT serious in the past.

 

I hold out to her coming home, or realizing her mistake.. But what is a mistake if she's happy.. She has no time for me to be on her mind.

 

I've just got to realize that she is not who i love anymore, and she will never come back, she's moved on and left me behind.

 

So, to your answer, I haven't yet moved on, and i don't think it'll be anytime soon as it's getting worse daily.

[Sukichan]

I might be wrong but I thought the reason for the thread was cases where the dumper DID realise they made a mistake, not that all dumpers make mistakes and regret their decisons. Of course not all dumpers regret their decisions, most of us have been on both sides and know this to be true.

 

Yeah, that's what I mean, I'm sorry if I didn't make myself clear. I know that the possibility is high that a dumper did NOT make a mistake, but I meant, if they do, then how would they react. Thank you for clearing that up =)

[HeavenOrHell]

My ex left me in July after 18 years, mostly cos I neglected him, he also left me twice about 9 or 10 years ago as we'd got into a rut, he moved out for 3 or 4 months, but we still met up after the first break up, he told me halfway through that he def wouldn't be coming back, anyway he wanted to come back, both times, and after the 2nd break up, we made more effort and were happy for 8 more years.

I don't regret taking him back as we had all those happy years.

I don't think there is any time limit on couples who get back together, sometimes couples get back together after a year or more, it is impossible to tell.

[bluestraps]

Any thoughts on thoes people who lost their ex to someone else either thru cheating or the person not commiting to them to them. And how likely it would be to get back togther with that ex. If they find the new relationship is not that great?

[HeavenOrHell]

Well I don't know if he'll come back this time, and I wouldn't take him back easily now. I wouldn't call it on/off exactly as we were together/living together for 10 years until he left twice and then together for 8 until he left this year. We we stable all the years in between.

I am still in love, but he doesn't appear to be in love now, just loves me.

Time will tell for sure I guess.

I never worried about him leaving me again after those 2 times 8 years ago as we both believed we would stay together.

I suppose you have to take risks sometimes anyway and give things another go if it feels right. No-one can truly know they will definitely be with someone forever, I mean you can hope you will be and believe you will be, but who knows what the future will bring..I've never thought marriage a realistic idea for those reasons!

 

 

So basically you've had an on & off relationship with him the last 18 years? I couldn't keep up with that. It would drain me. But you two must really love each other. There's a reason you two keep reconciling. As long as you are happy.

[madlad]

Well I don't know if he'll come back this time, and I wouldn't take him back easily now. I wouldn't call it on/off exactly as we were together/living together for 10 years until he left twice and then together for 8 until he left this year. We we stable all the years in between.

I am still in love, but he doesn't appear to be in love now, just loves me.

Time will tell for sure I guess.

I never worried about him leaving me again after those 2 times 8 years ago as we both believed we would stay together.

I suppose you have to take risks sometimes anyway and give things another go if it feels right. No-one can truly know they will definitely be with someone forever, I mean you can hope you will be and believe you will be, but who knows what the future will bring..I've never thought marriage a realistic idea for those reasons!

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What you say is exactly the truth.. nobody know's what's in our path.

 

Shame about a relationship, can be perfect for so long, but then the partner changes, for wrong reasons and all of a sudden they are someone else wanting someone else.

 

Shameful, but we only control half of the relationship, otherwise, love would last forever.

 

We all hope they have made a mistake, but truth is, We can't wake up with no hope only the hope of them coming back.

 

At the end of the day, i am saying this to all of you guys, and me in fact.. I am currently dead inside and want this life over..

 

I hate myself and hate life, i am wanting her back, every single day.. but i am getting use to not having calls, texts, seeing her, and even sleeping next to her..

 

it's the loneliness that won't budge.. It's causing misery in my life.

 

I don't want anyone else, and i don't think they will ever replace her.. She was everything in my eye's..

 

But remember peeps, TRY.. it's all we can do right now. Good-luck all

[Kamilah]

Below is EXACTLY what happened with my exfiance and me. In three weeks it will be a year and I'm finally getting over it and realizing how much of a coward he was. From the start, I begged him to communicate with me both directly and indirectly and he always acted like things were fine. Then he proposes to me. The next day he picks a fight and it was downhill from there. Turns out he had some issues with me that he never bothered to tell me. And it was nothing that couldn't have easily been addressed. Oh, and in the end he had the AUDACITY to tell me (when I asked) that yes it was all my fault! HA! I literally would have done anything for that man. Like, I actually thought to myself one night "what wouldn't I do for him?" and couldn't think of a thing. I would've given him a kidney, gone against my values for him...anything had he opened his mouth and asked. Jerk.

 

This is where communication makes or breaks you, though.

 

"Hey X, youre doing Y and it bothers me. I would like Z, can we discuss?"

 

What most people do, though, is act as though the other person should read their mind, and when it obviously doesnt happen, they bail - acting like they 'gave you a chance'.

 

 

 

You are far too hard on yourself. Sure, you werent perfect, and could have worked on certain areas. So could she. Why is it that you are the only one who should make any effort? And again, where there is no communication, you will ALWAYS have problems.

[j_cali_man]

For every relationship I walked away from, I never once looked back. The reason for this is because I gave it a LOT of thought and made numerous attempts to see if the relationship would work before I left. None of my exes can claim that they were blindsided or were surprised by the break-up because they had plenty of warning and plenty of chances to change things. Once I realized that the relationship would never work, I left knowing it was the right thing to do.

 

If you feel your ex broke up with you for no reason or that he's going to think he made a mistake, that's unlikely. However, I have heard that if a person decides they want a person back after a relationship has ended, they will return within 90 days. If they don't return at that point, they probably never will.

 

I think the real nail in the coffin is when the ex (gf) gets a new flame 3 weeks after a 3 year RS and is ecstatic. Hardly recognizable in fact. Ouch.. sick of grieving.

 

J

[j_cali_man]

I don't buy that. Relationships aren't as simple as people think. I agree there are times when you just know it's over, you've tried and tried and are at the same spot. However, I've also noticed that I've broken up with girls before for things that I knew I should walk away from them for, but I still loved them and went back to them a month or two down the road.

 

Alot of times it has to do with how strong a person is. Some people have enough pride to say F it and walk despite the pain, while others cannot handle being alone and loosing that special person.

 

I've also noticed that there are 2 types of breakups. Ones that happen in the heat of the moment. And ones that aren't triggered by anything other than years of trying to get a person to change their priorities in vain.

 

The ones that happen in the heat of the moment are normally the ones that you can get back easily with a few days of NC.. Once the person cools off they realize they made a mistake.

 

The second kind are a very very trick sort. It's a gradual decline in interested due to the other persons actions, it opens you up to thinking what else is out there, to being more willing to speak with other people of the opposite sex (I think women do this more) When the final straw snaps in this kind, it's normally not possible to reverse the outcome quickly. If NC does work, it's a much longer process, normally months. These kind also has the added complications of other people being involved is normally what breaks the camels back.

 

Just my 2 pennies.

 

Wow, SPOT on. Gradual decline and started confiding in the opposite sex (a male coworker) who became her new bf 3 weeks after our split. Like a vulture circling overhead. Add into it the circle of girlfriends and here I am coping and dealing. I am 34 and had a 5 year that ended years ago and the pain of this 3 year is not even close to that. It hurts so f-ing bad at times that I start laughing as if its a joke or something. God is REALLY trying to teach me a lesson on this one. Seeing her car parked for a weekend at the new guys place this weekend was nautious.

 

J

[red_cloud]

Below is EXACTLY what happened with my exfiance and me. In three weeks it will be a year and I'm finally getting over it and realizing how much of a coward he was. From the start, I begged him to communicate with me both directly and indirectly and he always acted like things were fine. Then he proposes to me. The next day he picks a fight and it was downhill from there. Turns out he had some issues with me that he never bothered to tell me. And it was nothing that couldn't have easily been addressed. Oh, and in the end he had the AUDACITY to tell me (when I asked) that yes it was all my fault! HA! I literally would have done anything for that man. Like, I actually thought to myself one night "what wouldn't I do for him?" and couldn't think of a thing. I would've given him a kidney, gone against my values for him...anything had he opened his mouth and asked. Jerk.

 

OMG.. could we have been dating the same person?!?

[Beeotch]

Hey there, everyone, I'm new to this forum, and I hope I'm not reposting some other thread people have already posted.

 

I'm very curious to know how often do dumpers realize their mistake, being a guy, or a girl, and how long does it take them? I know there is no set time frame, but an approximation would be nice, thank you.

 

That's going off the assumption that all break ups are mistakes...when in reality, I think most often than not they aren't and it works out for the best in the end.

 

I have not done a whole bunch of relationships nor have been in a bunch of scenarios where me and someone broke up and they came back and realized their mistake so I can't really say. I do know though that if what they did was wrong in terms of the break up they at some point come back and apologize....that has happened twice, now 3 times to include my current ex.

 

With my current ex he has come back...but the thing is...I KNEW it would happen. How we broke up, everything that happened, all my intuitions just told me so. So I don't really think it was a "regular" scenario. It took him 9 months to come back and actually say he missed me and to apologize for what happened.