How often do dumpers realize their mistakes?

[Sukichan]

Hey there, everyone, I'm new to this forum, and I hope I'm not reposting some other thread people have already posted.

 

I'm very curious to know how often do dumpers realize their mistake, being a guy, or a girl, and how long does it take them? I know there is no set time frame, but an approximation would be nice, thank you.

[carhill]

The first requisite is one of acceptance. Asserting that the dumper 'made a mistake' is denying the reality of the breakup. For all we know, the dumper ended the relationship for viable and qualifiable reasons. In fact, I would assume that.

 

Whether they 'change their mind' or not turns on factors one cannot easily quantify or qualify. IMO, it's better not to analyze, rather to accept. I found that analysis can waste many valuable years of one's life, hence my advice

[Angel1111]

For every relationship I walked away from, I never once looked back. The reason for this is because I gave it a LOT of thought and made numerous attempts to see if the relationship would work before I left. None of my exes can claim that they were blindsided or were surprised by the break-up because they had plenty of warning and plenty of chances to change things. Once I realized that the relationship would never work, I left knowing it was the right thing to do.

 

If you feel your ex broke up with you for no reason or that he's going to think he made a mistake, that's unlikely. However, I have heard that if a person decides they want a person back after a relationship has ended, they will return within 90 days. If they don't return at that point, they probably never will.

[kirk205]

I took 30 days to call and tell my ex I made a mistake. I would think the longer it goes the less likely it would be to happen. But, I've ended a few relationships and never looked back, so it all depends on the circumstances.

[Weezy]

For every relationship I walked away from, I never once looked back. The reason for this is because I gave it a LOT of thought and made numerous attempts to see if the relationship would work before I left. None of my exes can claim that they were blindsided or were surprised by the break-up because they had plenty of warning and plenty of chances to change things. Once I realized that the relationship would never work, I left knowing it was the right thing to do.

 

If you feel your ex broke up with you for no reason or that he's going to think he made a mistake, that's unlikely. However, I have heard that if a person decides they want a person back after a relationship has ended, they will return within 90 days. If they don't return at that point, they probably never will.

 

How did your ex's react to you walking away?

[Weezy]

For every relationship I walked away from, I never once looked back. The reason for this is because I gave it a LOT of thought and made numerous attempts to see if the relationship would work before I left. None of my exes can claim that they were blindsided or were surprised by the break-up because they had plenty of warning and plenty of chances to change things. Once I realized that the relationship would never work, I left knowing it was the right thing to do.

 

If you feel your ex broke up with you for no reason or that he's going to think he made a mistake, that's unlikely. However, I have heard that if a person decides they want a person back after a relationship has ended, they will return within 90 days. If they don't return at that point, they probably never will.

 

How did your ex's react to you walking away?

[Sukichan]

How did your ex's react to you walking away?

I'm not the one that walked away, he did. It's not that I'm looking to get him back, but curiousity got me.

[Art_Critic]

You are assuming that the dumper made a mistake to begin with..

I'm sure that in their mind they haven't and maybe in THEIR reality they didn't, so they would never recognize something they will never see.

 

Some people do breakup with someone knowing full and well that it could be a mistake but there are other roadblocks in the relationship that they feel cannot be overcome..

In those instances someone might realize their mistake.. and of those many would have moved on by then so they don't contact the dumpee.. and of the ones that do realize it I would think they would figure it out pretty quickly..

I know when I make a mistake it is usually very fast..

[Weezy]

You are assuming that the dumper made a mistake to begin with..

I'm sure that in their mind they haven't and maybe in THEIR reality they didn't, so they would never recognize something they will never see.

 

Some people do breakup with someone knowing full and well that it could be a mistake but there are other roadblocks in the relationship that they feel cannot be overcome..

In those instances someone might realize their mistake.. and of those many would have moved on by then so they don't contact the dumpee.. and of the ones that do realize it I would think they would figure it out pretty quickly..

I know when I make a mistake it is usually very fast..

 

I don't buy that. Relationships aren't as simple as people think. I agree there are times when you just know it's over, you've tried and tried and are at the same spot. However, I've also noticed that I've broken up with girls before for things that I knew I should walk away from them for, but I still loved them and went back to them a month or two down the road.

 

Alot of times it has to do with how strong a person is. Some people have enough pride to say F it and walk despite the pain, while others cannot handle being alone and loosing that special person.

 

I've also noticed that there are 2 types of breakups. Ones that happen in the heat of the moment. And ones that aren't triggered by anything other than years of trying to get a person to change their priorities in vain.

 

The ones that happen in the heat of the moment are normally the ones that you can get back easily with a few days of NC.. Once the person cools off they realize they made a mistake.

 

The second kind are a very very trick sort. It's a gradual decline in interested due to the other persons actions, it opens you up to thinking what else is out there, to being more willing to speak with other people of the opposite sex (I think women do this more) When the final straw snaps in this kind, it's normally not possible to reverse the outcome quickly. If NC does work, it's a much longer process, normally months. These kind also has the added complications of other people being involved is normally what breaks the camels back.

 

Just my 2 pennies.

[Art_Critic]

Relationships aren't as simple as people think.

 

I've also noticed that there are 2 types of breakups.

 

These 2 quotes are in contrast to one another..

 

If relationships aren't simple then neither are breakups.

Having only 2 type of breakups is pretty simple..

 

I broke up with a GF of 6 months once because of how she treated or talked about the children that she would treat in her job.

(she worked in the healthcare industry and worked with infant -15 year kids).

 

That type of breakup doesn't fit into either of the 2 kinds that you mentioned.

I had just realized one day that I didn't want to be with a girl that didn't show children a huge amount of respect in life.

and no .. it wasn't a mistake..

 

Most breakups are not mistakes.. they happen because of incompatibilities and all sorts of problems that make 2 people not a good match.

 

So I stand behind my original post that maybe a person didn't make a mistake in breaking up to begin with so how can they realize a mistake that they never made..

[JL911]

Immaturity and overly high expectations is the main cause of breakups where one party did not lie, cheat, or totally ignore the other....Regaurdless of age...Good people get dumped everyday by selfish people.

 

I think most of the time just the idea of love and its commercialized BS confuses people into believing that it should all be butterflies all the time...Filled with I Love You's, forget me nots, heated passionate sex, flowers, candies, candles, jewelry, ect...In reality its not even close to what Hallmark or Hollywood makes it out to be. Love is comfortable. Life is tough, and it doesnt get any easier.

 

Finding a stable man or woman to stand by your side as you take the beating life dishes you is the ultimate goal....The honeymoon does not last forever and eventually you are left with your best friend in life whom you will raise a family with...

 

Do dumpers realize they made a mistake...I really dont know...Ive had ex's come back into my life and say they missed me and feel they made a mistake...Didnt mean I took them back...I think of myself as a fairly decent human being with high morals...Maybe at times I wasnt a good match, but other times I just feel I was involved with the wrong and worst type person who was only out for themselves...

 

In reality. Breakups occur for various reason in most cases for the right ones whether you are dumped or doing the dumping...READ MY SIG...I think you will agree with a lot of what I wrote..

[001bh]

JL911,

 

You pretty much hit the nail on the head all the way home (at least for me you did.) Immaturity, selfishness and the inability to cope with the person they say they love and wind up not loving them simply because they can't handle when that person has it tough. Yet they were perfectly happy to accept your love and support when they were having a hard time. This has driven me away from people of the opposite sex who I find picky, too talkative, and are whores for online social networking and unwilling to try new things at least once due to perceptions of others.

[BCCA]

Well, first they have to feel that it was a mistake in the first place, which as Im sure the women of LS will tell you, doesnt happen very often.

 

Women dont just walk away from a great and happy relationship, and they dont just dump guys without thinking it through. The process of ending even a 6+ month relationship is long, and not taken lightly. Also, thinking the only reason she left is a mistake on her part is a cop out. She left because you two were incompatible in her eyes.

 

Just to humor you, though, I'll say this. If you go NC, and it goes unbroken for 90 days, that drops the likelyhood of hearing from her considerably. If youve been broken up 6+ months, you can pretty much forget it.

[paperchase]

Well, first they have to feel that it was a mistake in the first place, which as Im sure the women of LS will tell you, doesnt happen very often.

 

Women dont just walk away from a great and happy relationship, and they dont just dump guys without thinking it through. The process of ending even a 6+ month relationship is long, and not taken lightly. Also, thinking the only reason she left is a mistake on her part is a cop out. She left because you two were incompatible in her eyes.

 

Just to humor you, though, I'll say this. If you go NC, and it goes unbroken for 90 days, that drops the likelyhood of hearing from her considerably. If youve been broken up 6+ months, you can pretty much forget it.

 

I think 90 days is the outer limit unless the reconciliation happens years down the road. I really believe that if NC isn't broken within 30 days after the end of a long term relationship, the chances are slim but 90 days is significant because most flings last that long before the parties wake up and realize there's nothing there but the high of something new. The reality is that for those pining to reconcile, the window of opportunity is pretty small and there's a lot you can do to make is close fast, but very little you can do to buy more time.

[BCCA]

You nailed the reason I said 90 days: rebounds.

 

To be blunt, I dont think any one who truly loves you and values you would let 2 weeks of NC go by without having any idea of what youre doing and who youre doing it with. No matter how stubborn, it would eat anyone alive.

 

I think if you don't hear from them within 30-45 days, you probably wont for a really long time, if ever. I think those initial days are when people decide if this is really what they want, and adjust to life without you. If they get along, and dont break down and call you for a month, I think you can give it up.

[Dream Brother]

I'm just at the 90 days of nc from my ex who dumped me and can echo what the last couple of posters have, my ex used this 90 day milestone to announce her new relationship online although it started... on the day she left me. So instead of possibly missing me more (as some hoping for reconciliation might be hanging on to) as we're apart she moved on even more. Silence/indifference from a dumper over this amount of time means GAME OVER. At least in my case but I am sure this is fairly typical.

[BCCA]

I'm just at the 90 days of nc from my ex who dumped me and can echo what the last couple of posters have, my ex used this 90 day milestone to announce her new relationship online although it started... on the day she left me

 

Dude, this happens all the time, dont feel too bad. I think of the breakups Ive seen here involving women, at least most of the time they have another guy waiting.

 

Silence/indifference from a dumper over this amount of time means GAME OVER.

 

Well, its the silence/indifference after dumping you. They know youre going through it, and hurting really bad, and if they still dont have the motivation to make ANY attempt to say anything to you, they're focused on moving on, and THAT is game over.

 

At least in my case but I am sure this is fairly typical.

 

It is.

 

You see, there are always exceptions to life, but generally, human interaction follows patterns.

[Dream Brother]

Yea I have seen you make those points over and over BCCA, when I first came looking to find out how I would get this whole mess back I read a lot of your posts and thought you were very negative and perhaps bitter as a result of a hoped reconciliation not bearing fruition but I have to say you were pretty much right.. again in my case, which is fairly typical..

 

So hats off to you and FML It will be ok though..

[Weezy]

Yea I have seen you make those points over and over BCCA, when I first came looking to find out how I would get this whole mess back I read a lot of your posts and thought you were very negative and perhaps bitter as a result of a hoped reconciliation not bearing fruition but I have to say you were pretty much right.. again in my case, which is fairly typical..

 

So hats off to you and FML It will be ok though..

 

3 months is a big milestone. But I don't think 30 days is much of one, and two weeks isn't anything.

 

I've gotten back with an EX's that dumped me 2 different times, both after I figured out NC. The first one went 6 weeks, I got 1 text in that time period from her, then we bumped into each other out and we both got interested.

 

The second one took 17 days.

 

I currently just hit 42 days NC, but I'm guessing this one is gone for good cause it was my second chance, and I didn't change, chick wants to get married and have kids and if after 3 years you're not talking about that, you're pretty much next-ed for the next guy that she could see herself having kids with.

[BCCA]

Yea I have seen you make those points over and over BCCA, when I first came looking to find out how I would get this whole mess back I read a lot of your posts and thought you were very negative and perhaps bitter as a result of a hoped reconciliation not bearing fruition but I have to say you were pretty much right.. again in my case, which is fairly typical..

You know what's funny, when I got here - I thought the same thing about a lot of other posters. They were just negative, and trying to bring me down with them. Then you read through all the different people's stories, do your research online, ask a few people about their experiences...and you notice some serious patterns. There are always exceptions, but they are few and far between, and most people end up realizing that their relationship and subsequent split were pretty typical.

 

3 months is a big milestone. But I don't think 30 days is much of one, and two weeks isn't anything.

If you dont get your NC broken in 3 months, you should be completely over expecting to hear from your ex again. Its just not likely to happen, although I will say that up until about 6 months there is a small chance theyre waiting you out. If its been 6 months, forget it.

 

30 days isnt all that crucial, but it seems like if reconciliation is in your future, you dont go that long without hearing something. Usually, people try and wait each other out a bit, never wanting to be the one the break NC, but I really believe that if someone valued you as a partner, you would be hearing something or they've come to terms with you being with someone else, which is not good.

 

2 weeks doesnt mean much at all, but I'm telling you - if a person's reaction to NC is to go with it, all bad. NC is meant for you to heal, but its also your best bet for a second chance, so if the other party is unfazed by it, you can probably forget about that second chance.

 

I currently just hit 42 days NC, but I'm guessing this one is gone for good cause it was my second chance, and I didn't change, chick wants to get married and have kids and if after 3 years you're not talking about that, you're pretty much next-ed for the next guy that she could see herself having kids with.

Ive never heard of a single relationship where the only problems were things one person needed to change. The problem was more complex than that, but you are shouldering the blame because you dont know what else was wrong, and you feel thats the 'manly' thing to do. Truth be told, if she worked with you to find a middle ground, and you were both dedicated to making it work, you wouldnt be here posting about how you didnt change, etc.

 

I'll give you the part about the 3 years, if by that time the girl hasnt at least mentioned something about marrige, she proabably doesnt think youre the right one for it.

[Weezy]

 

I'll give you the part about the 3 years, if by that time the girl hasnt at least mentioned something about marrige, she proabably doesnt think youre the right one for it.

 

It wasn't lack of mentioning it on her part, it was lack of me giving any type of response that I was thinking about it.

 

I do shoulder alot of the blame because in the end, she ended it, and she put way more effort into making it work than I did. Her best friends were asking me when I was going to marry her. And up until a month before the split she was giving me all kinds of hints about not knowing where she's going in life. That I'm the only reason she is living in the city she is. Hints of wanting to do my laundry, and take care of me because I didn't have time because I work so hard.

 

I'd respond with lines like "You can do my laundry anytime" To which I'd get a response of "That's not what I meant!"

 

And as you've said numerous times BCCA once they decide that it's not gonna work, they start lining up the next guy. They start making more friends. They go out more. They start to pull away. They start to call less, and to complain more.

 

And then you start to call them more, and try harder, which in the end pushes them away even further.

 

In the end, I think she left for another guy who she felt like was actually willing to marry her. I never felt she was the one.

 

I didn't ever beg, or cry, I even agreed with her when she broke it off because I knew that in 3 years I had done nothing to progress the relationship anymore than it had in the first 3 months.

 

It's crazy what getting dumped on your as* will do to your brain though. Throws it for a loop, make you not sleep, not eat, not be able to think at work except for her.

 

And then you realize all you can do is go NC.

 

NC is so necessary to heal. It's so like a drug addict coming off a drug. You crave to be in contact with this person you spent the last 3 years with, you remember them in your life, all the little things they said and did. You regret not saying this and that, you regret not trying harder.. And then, in those weird moments of clarity, you realize that what you are doing is so the right thing. You realize that you are healing, and getting stronger. That the stuff you couldn't do 2 weeks ago you can do again. That you can sleep throughout the night and that in your next relationship, you'll be that much wiser and not allow yourself to get into a comfort zone when you know the person isn't the one.

[ADF]

Dumpers don't realize their mistakes. Almost never. Many FEEL like they've made a mistake right after dumping someone, but that is just their brain playing tricks on them. After a while, they feel fine again.

[Weezy]

Didn't mean too post 2x

Edited October 27, 2009 by Weezy

[BCCA]

If you do go NC, two things happen.

 

1. You heal as quick as humanly possible.

2. You keep as much respect as humanly possible from your EX.

 

Sooner or later, youre going to end up going NC anyway. I think when I was younger, I tried much harder to avoid it, or find reasons it wasnt neccesary. As I've grown older, I realize that the world is the way it is, and trying to fight the system is futile.

 

I also realized that worrying about what your ex thinks or feels about you is also pointless. Whether they respect you or think youre a huge pile of crap is irrelevant, obviously at one time you were good enough to go out with.

 

And I had the same comments from my ex's friends and family about when we were going to get married, and in the end it meant nothing. People just assume after X amount of time together, youre going to get married.

 

And down the road, I'll have a new GF and this will just be another bump in the road.

 

All we can do in life is learn from our mistakes and forge ahead. As long as you can reflect, see what went wrong, point out red flags, and grow as a person, I would consider that a success. Relationships fail more often than not.

[BCCA]

And as you've said numerous times BCCA once they decide that it's not gonna work, they start lining up the next guy. They start making more friends. They go out more. They start to pull away. They start to call less, and to complain more.

 

Well, communication starts to break down, and they get less physical. Those are the two big ones, and they start pretty soon when they start to think about moving on. All of a sudden, they dont call when they say they will (maybe two hours later, but not when they said they will), they give you just general outlines of what they did/are going to do, they just 'arent in the mood' for sex ever, etc etc

 

In hindsight, there are always red flags. Those of us that felt blindsided listened to words, and not actions, which will always lead to dissapointment. Like I've said before, all you can do is hope to learn from your mistakes, and gain as much experience as you can.