lostforwords Posted December 5, 2003 Share Posted December 5, 2003 Ok... my son has his christmas concert in a few weeks... and when i told his father (seperated husband) about the date and time, we made arrangements that we're all going to go.... seperate of course..... now he calls me this evening and his girlfriend has a few problems with it. First, she doesnt feel comfortable attending something that his ex wife is at..... and asked me if id be willing to "sit" this one out.... im like uh.... why? Its my sons concert.... id like to watch it.... she feels that because she would like to go and share the event with hubby..... and feels I would make things awkward for her if i attended... i offered to sit across the auditorium..... now.... heres the twist.... while hubby is informing me on the phone.... she picked up the extension and proceeded to get into a yelling match with me telling me i was a selfish bitch..... i was calm and rationalized to her what exactly she was asking me to do and above all what it may do to my son, that she was missing the whole point about what my sons needs.... my ex asked me if he could call me back.... i said fine. 1 hour later he called back and said he had it all sorted out..... he tells me that the plans are back to the original plans..... and he apologized for her actions.... i asked him if she was calmed down and in simple form he responded with "It doesnt matter at this point".... he wasnt angry when he said it.... however im sitting here still absolutely baffled at the whole nights events..... now my question is.... should I have actually gracefully bowed out? Link to post Share on other sites
Arabess Posted December 5, 2003 Share Posted December 5, 2003 NO.....you should NOT BOW OUT! This isn't about HER friggin feelings or HIS.....it's about your SON'S!!! You put your child first and tell everyone else to kiss you A$$!!!! If she isn't COMFORTABLE with YOU being there......tell her to go sit in the car! Link to post Share on other sites
Author lostforwords Posted December 5, 2003 Author Share Posted December 5, 2003 I absolutely agree.... and the more i think about it the madder i get.... however because ex hubby and i are amicable, i refuse to get into the discussion with him/her right now..... my usual pattern is to just drop it as it doesnt get me anywhere .... and i know in this case it wont..... but somehow i cant help but think and realize that i am not the selfish bitch.... I know the ex is going to call me tomorrow when shes not around and explain everything to me like he usually does....... im just not sure how i will react to him rationalizing her request to me..... i get so frustrated as times when im put in this situation because its like im always the one that is supposed to be the understanding one...... but im getting so sick of it..... Link to post Share on other sites
Reckless Posted December 5, 2003 Share Posted December 5, 2003 You did exactly the right thing in 1) staying calm and; 2) not backing down. Make it a rule now (and tell your husband) you will NEVER back down on an issue that puts your sons happiness in jeopardy - NEVER!! I would simply not speak to this woman. I would calmly say when ever she interjected that '.... clearly you have some things to talk about ' and tell your husband to 'call you later...' It's very important you take the higher ground and never get into screaming matches or fights. If (way) down the line they end up together then I'd eventually sit down (maybe with a mediator) and work out some ground rules (again for the good of your child) but at this moment she obviously feels threatened by you and cannot speak in a civil manner with you so there is no point in trying to communicate with her at all. That's my calm answer. The other one went something like... you kick her sorry butt to Alaska and tell her she has nothing to do with you or your son and the sad vicious cow can tell her story walking instead of (as she obviously is) using a child as a pawn in a power struggle for a man that is still legally yours... then throw something hard at the parasite's head.... You see how the calm answer may not be as satisfying but it's more constructive -- remember you have to be calm for your child, it'll give you motivation to continue... Good luck, R Link to post Share on other sites
potsagold Posted December 5, 2003 Share Posted December 5, 2003 Hi, I'm new reading these...but, I completely 100% understand your problem...but, I'm the "new" supportive, love his little girl and want what's best for her, wife and the "ex" is the one with all the "I hate your new wife and don't want her around my daughter" problems. The problem with instant families is this: the one with all the animosity is always the one who only cares about themselves and not the child. You did the right thing, and it's great that you still have a civil relationship with your ex. If she is going to be causing problems, he'll eventually let her know where she stands as compared to the happiness and well being of his son. So, fear not....you did the right thing and it will all work out. If it doesn't I agree with kicking her butt to alaska....maybe she can breathe in some fresh air into her heated body! Luck! S Link to post Share on other sites
reservoirdog1 Posted December 5, 2003 Share Posted December 5, 2003 Do NOT bow out. You have every right -- and she, by comparison, has none -- to go to your child's Christmas concert. If she doesn't like it, she should damned well stay away. If you don't believe all of us, talk to your friends and your family. I'll bet you a pound to a pinch of sh*t they'd all say exactly the same thing. I'll say this for your exH: he has some balls to ask you to "sit this one out" just to make his little f*ck buddy happy. Stand your ground -- you are so completely in the right on this. Link to post Share on other sites
Arabess Posted December 5, 2003 Share Posted December 5, 2003 Originally posted by reservoirdog1 his little f*ck buddy Great POST! My vocabulary has just incorporated YET ANOTHER name for those who piss me off! You ARE going to attend....aren't you Lost??? It seems everyone agrees YOU have the right and obligation to be there. Link to post Share on other sites
brashgal Posted December 5, 2003 Share Posted December 5, 2003 My kids would have been devastated if I had missed one of their performances. There wouldn't be any good reason you could give them that wouldn't cause resentment toward their father and his girlfriend or towards you. Maybe she'll get it when and if she ever has kids of her own. Sitting on the other side of the auditorium and avoiding her is your best bet. Link to post Share on other sites
EnigmaXOXO Posted December 5, 2003 Share Posted December 5, 2003 You are that boy's mother and have every right to be at that event. I understand why the ex's new girlfriend might feel uncomfortable, but as long as there is a child between you, she will have to learn to work through her insecurities and accept you as a permanent part of their life. If she can't handle being around you, then she will have to be the bigger person and stay home. But by doing so, she will be excluding herself from a very important part of her boyfriend's life. It is not her place --- nor will it ever be --- to tell you what you can or can not do with your own son. She should feel fortunate she was even invited. You handled it beautifully, Lost. You go to that Christmas concert and be your son's biggest fan. He will be one happy little boy when he sees his mommy in that big scary crowd smiling up at him! Link to post Share on other sites
cdn Posted December 5, 2003 Share Posted December 5, 2003 I think you handled yourself really well :-) And, for the record, I don't think you should sit anything out. Your son would likely be very upset if you were not there. It is up to the adults to minimize problems for the children, not the other way around! If your ex's new gf can't get a grip, then SHE should sit it out. Well done! Link to post Share on other sites
Author lostforwords Posted December 5, 2003 Author Share Posted December 5, 2003 All of you have validated everything i was thinking last night and I would have never sat this one out... nor will i ever sit one out for anybody when it comes to my children.... i know when it comes right down to it..... last nights events will be brought up from her and used against me like so many other similar situations have been.... I just needed to feel that yes I did the right thing..... because of how ridiculous the request was that she made i just needed to make sure i wasnt crazy or being selfish..... and i do know im clearly not..... ex hubby called me from his work this morning and had again apologized to me for her acting the way she did.... i simply said "its no biggie, it never bothered me just the fact that she asked me to sit one out is what got to me" he validated that he thought it was odd request but never elaborated anymore on her. he has promised me that from now on any decisions regarding similar situations will be dealt with between him and I which is a sigh of relief. dont get me wrong i did explain it has to be hard for her in this given circumstance.... but i also said it better not happen again. so we still have that amicability between us..... im just still stunned over the freaking request from her in the first place...... when i called my mother to ask her what she thought she said everything you guys have said.... and was very proud of the fact that i didnt get into a shouting match with her..... <BIG GRIN> but thank you all for responding.... its just one of those situations where i needed to feel i was NOT in the wrong for standing my ground..... its good to hear from you all thank you!!! as for the kicking her butt to alaska..... it would have felt GREAT!! unfortunately Old Dogs like her would have found her way back eventually!! LMAO that felt damn good!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Caddy Posted December 5, 2003 Share Posted December 5, 2003 Make sure you go or I'll kick your butt to Alaska myself! LOL Tell me the details later! I'm going to Denver for some R&R (yeah like I have a busy life!!! LMAO) Link to post Share on other sites
Author lostforwords Posted December 5, 2003 Author Share Posted December 5, 2003 ROFL!! oh im going..... i wouldnt miss it for the world. denver eh?.... Maine kicking you out???? i spose youll be taking a sex pack of dicklay beer?!! LMAO Link to post Share on other sites
Arabess Posted December 5, 2003 Share Posted December 5, 2003 Sooo...what you are saying Caddy...is that you HAIL from Maine....but plan to raise some HELL in Denver??? Link to post Share on other sites
Author lostforwords Posted December 5, 2003 Author Share Posted December 5, 2003 heheehehe hey arabess we'll have to watch cnn this weekend to see if ANYTHING odd happens in Denver.... Link to post Share on other sites
Caddy Posted December 8, 2003 Share Posted December 8, 2003 A LOT happened in Denver, but nothing I can talk about in public!!!! LMAO How did the weekend treat you two? Lost, how did you resolve this with the girlfriend/ex? Link to post Share on other sites
Author lostforwords Posted December 9, 2003 Author Share Posted December 9, 2003 Its been resolved..... she chose not to go.... i explained to my ex that is her decision not mine i offered to sit across the auditorium (front stage) lol and she couldnt bring herself to attending i guess.... which just shows me how much she thinks of my son...... lets just say i have gained a better perspective of the situation...... so all in all... my son is going to be the happy one as well as i... she needs to get a grip..... ohhhhhh denver was fun eh...... well well well.... Caddy's new thread...... I got me some... but now i want more..... lmfao!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Caddy Posted December 9, 2003 Share Posted December 9, 2003 Why doesn't the ex just get rid of her if he can clearly see her childish behavior? It's clear to me that she's acting like a 6 year old pouting to get her way! If she's pulling fits like this for a concert, what's next? He should get rid of her and quickly! Glad to hear that everything went well for you. I hope your son sang his little lungs out and rocked the house! Link to post Share on other sites
Author lostforwords Posted December 9, 2003 Author Share Posted December 9, 2003 oh the concert has happened yet it will next week.... and im sure he will sing his little heart out..... as for her and my ex..... i think hes starting to see her true colors........ specially just recently.... so my guess is he'll set her straight or just move on..... Link to post Share on other sites
Caddy Posted December 9, 2003 Share Posted December 9, 2003 I don't think there is a snowball's chance in you know where that she would actually change her attitude. She might do it for a whole week. And then something else that would happen would set her off. It sounds like to me that she is jealous of the relationship that you share with your ex. And she's not secure enough in their relationship. Otherwise she wouldn't be so petty about everything. He needs to get together with someone that will truly recognize that the two of you have a special bond, not only because of your children but because of your history, and that you will ALWAYS have that bond. Oh and sorry, as usual my absent mind ran away again! I thought the concert already happened! LOL Link to post Share on other sites
Author lostforwords Posted December 19, 2003 Author Share Posted December 19, 2003 Just to update everyone on the situation...... all went well. She didnt go to the concert..... it was quite refreshing to attend with out the fear of being put in a predicament which usually happens..... my ex was also relieved as him and I actually sat with eachother.... and joked and laughed..... we had an awesome time! You could see he was in a very jovial goofy mood..... and I think it was as well a weight lifted off of his shoulders.... a position I hate seeing him in as we are still best friends. However More importantly my son was wonderful this evening, he had us in stitches.... unfortunately his teacher wasnt very happy.... however I have to tell you..... you know when someone coughs and subtly says something during that cough.... well him and his friends decided to have a little fun with it. And everyone in the vicinity heard him cough.... and quite discreetly (he thought) he said "boring"... now i know some of you may be thinking whats the big deal.... the point being .... we all had fun!!! Hes quite the ham..... thanks to all who have replied and offered advice...... it means a great deal to me.... Link to post Share on other sites
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