An observation re: OW vs BS on this forum

[silktricks]

This is my observation and I would like to know if other people have seen the same thing.

 

It seems to me that both OW and BS on both this OW forum and on the infidelity forum seem to enjoy seeing the worst in each other. Once a thread begins a downward spiral... which sometimes is from the outset... it seems that both BS and OW from that point on can only see the negative posts. If there is a positive or supportive post it is ignored - especially if that supportive post has come from someone of the "opposite side".

 

BS will usually leap to the defense of other BS - even if the position is indefensible and likewise for OW.

 

about a year ago a BS couldn't make a single positive post about her/his marriage without getting tromped all over by the OW even when posting on the infidelity forum... now the shoe seems to be somewhat on the other foot. The mods do their best, but this isn't a problem they can resolve.

 

To restate the obvious:

OW - the BS here are not the BS your MM is married to.

BS - the OW here are not the OW your husband was playing with.

This is simply a semi-safe place for everyone to deal with some of the issues that we all have due to a painful experience.

 

On the other hand - maybe I'm just crazy...

Edited October 23, 2009 by silktricks

[NoIDidn't]

BS will usually leap to the defense of other BS - even if the position is indefensible and likewise for OW.

 

I wish I could say this wasn't true, but it is. Either the BS will defend another BS or will ignore the offensive statement and continue on. But like you said, its no different for some OW here. And I say some because I have gotten PMs from several former OW (even ones that are now WITH their MM) who have agreed that sometimes other OW really go too far with defending reprehensible behavior.

 

I wonder how the stars are aligned. These threads are becoming really common right now. LOL.

 

Maybe you can get this one locked/closed before it desintegrates into a bash session as well.

 

ETA - this isn't simply an affair thing either. This is common all over the boards. Its human nature to have heated topics desintegrate in this way. Before anyone tries to say its only the legs in the triangle that behave in this way. Many of the people leaping to the aid of the BSs have either never been in an A or have not been betrayed OR are even former OPs themselves. Them being former OPs really says something to me.

[NowhereToHide]

I guess I would say that it obviously depends on how the OW or BS is feeling about their particular situation. If the OW is angry and feels duped by her MM for going back to his W, then yes, she will be bitter in her posts. Same for the BS if she is feeling as though the OW in her particular situation was exceptionally predatory in her relationship with her husband.

 

I think we all bring our own baggage on here... it's impossible not to. It's what we know. But that's the beauty of these boards.... the ability to see that not every OW is evil, and that not every BS is bitter. We all are experiencing what can be considered "universal" feelings when it comes to these love triangles.

 

I never had terribly negative associations regarding my xAP's wife. She was kind of a non-issue in our A if that makes sense. I think it's because he and I worked really hard to keep our A out of the realm of reality. So when I came on to these boards, I was actually fascinated to hear the BS's side -- it was an eye-opener for me. It made my actions even more disturbing when I could attach yet another victim to them.

 

So, I think the anger (on both sides) is understandable. There are just certain threads and topics that have a tendency to rub salt into the already gaping wound for some.

[NoIDidn't]

I never had terribly negative associations regarding my xAP's wife. She was kind of a non-issue in our A if that makes sense. I think it's because he and I worked really hard to keep our A out of the realm of reality. So when I came on to these boards, I was actually fascinated to hear the BS's side -- it was an eye-opener for me. It made my actions even more disturbing when I could attach yet another victim to them.

 

What I quoted above is commonly said by MW, not by OW that are single during the A - unless they were married and divorced during the A.

 

On another board there is a constant war between the MW and the single OWs. Like its some sort of jealousy going on. They'd be jealous of Lizzie over there, because she has more than one *MM* as well.

 

But there does seem to be a difference is rationale between the MW and the single OW.

 

I've noticed that the its usually the single OW, or recently divorced OW, that usually jump feet first into any spats with BW/BSs here as well.

[silktricks]

I never had terribly negative associations regarding my xAP's wife. She was kind of a non-issue in our A if that makes sense. I think it's because he and I worked really hard to keep our A out of the realm of reality. So when I came on to these boards, I was actually fascinated to hear the BS's side -- it was an eye-opener for me. It made my actions even more disturbing when I could attach yet another victim to them.

 

This seems odd to me, because from your story, I would say that the victim in your case was you, not the wife. They weren't together. She was living with another guy. You dated him in good faith. How were your actions disturbing??

[NowhereToHide]

This seems odd to me, because from your story, I would say that the victim in your case was you, not the wife. They weren't together. She was living with another guy. You dated him in good faith. How were your actions disturbing??

 

 

Silk, I think you're getting my story confused with another one. I am married and so is my xAP. They were together "happily" married during our affair.

[NowhereToHide]

What I quoted above is commonly said by MW, not by OW that are single during the A - unless they were married and divorced during the A.

 

On another board there is a constant war between the MW and the single OWs. Like its some sort of jealousy going on. They'd be jealous of Lizzie over there, because she has more than one *MM* as well.

 

But there does seem to be a difference is rationale between the MW and the single OW.

 

I've noticed that the its usually the single OW, or recently divorced OW, that usually jump feet first into any spats with BW/BSs here as well.

 

 

NID... I never actually put this together... that there would be that much difference between the MOWs and the OWs on here. I guess that makes sense. The MOWs have more to lose I suppose -- the breakup of two families instead of just one.

 

Plus, I suppose I have much more sympathy for the BS and her pain for that very reason -- I am married and I can only imagine the devastation involved with losing your family and the future you were counting on.

[silktricks]

Silk, I think you're getting my story confused with another one. I am married and so is my xAP. They were together "happily" married during our affair.

I am so sorry. You are correct, of course. I was confused

[fooled once]

Interesting post.....

 

I hadn't really thought too much about it but I think I agree.

[moaningmyrtle]

I will just describe something I have noticed. I will give a hypothetical example but not identify whether the posters are BW or OW as it can work both ways.

 

1. A poster posts saying - not all BW are evil.

2. Another posts saying - BW call OW evil harlots.

3. Other people either defend or shoot down the argument that "OW are not evil harlots".

4. Poster 2 can if they want, buy popcorn, sit back and enjoy the show. Or perhaps they join the fray they have helped create.

 

This is called setting up a straw man because nobody in the first instance has actually called anybody an "evil harlot". So the whole argument is about setting up and then demolishing a "man of straw" ie an argument that does not exist.

 

It's very frustrating when this happens!

 

Myrtle

Edited October 24, 2009 by moaningmyrtle

[NoIDidn't]

I will just describe something I have noticed. I will give a hypothetical example but not identify whether the posters are BW or OW as it can work both ways.

 

1. A poster posts saying - not all BW are evil.

2. Another posts saying - BW call OW evil harlots.

3. Other people either defend or shoot down the argument that "OW are not evil harlots".

4. Poster 2 can if they want, buy popcorn, sit back and enjoy the show. Or perhaps they join the fray they have helped create.

 

This is called setting up a straw man because nobody in the first instance has actually called anybody an "evil harlot". So the whole argument is about setting up and then demolishing a "man of straw" ie an argument that does not exist.

 

It's very frustrating when this happens!

 

Myrtle

 

C'mon, Myrtle. LOL. You seem so well versed in internet lingo, you KNOW that's how almost ALL internet boards react. When they don't agree with the OP, they create something they CAN interact with. The cognitive dissonance on most internet boards is deafening.

 

You should really see how its done in the Political Threads. Now, those, are things of beauty. LOL

[moaningmyrtle]

C'mon, Myrtle. LOL. You seem so well versed in internet lingo, you KNOW that's how almost ALL internet boards react. When they don't agree with the OP, they create something they CAN interact with. The cognitive dissonance on most internet boards is deafening.

 

You should really see how its done in the Political Threads. Now, those, are things of beauty. LOL

 

Exactly - I have seen it done very well in other discussion groups.

 

But some people here are genuinely hurting and do not always realise what has been done to them either by veterans of internet discussion boards or people who just behave that way in real life.

[NoIDidn't]

Exactly - I have seen it done very well in other discussion groups.

 

But some people here are genuinely hurting and do not always realise what has been done to them either by veterans of internet discussion boards or people who just behave that way in real life.

 

One of the MODS here has said he has a PhD (I think) in Psychology. I can only imagine what he says about us in technical, diagnostic-type terms. LOL

[silktricks]

I will just describe something I have noticed. I will give a hypothetical example but not identify whether the posters are BW or OW as it can work both ways.

 

1. A poster posts saying - not all BW are evil.

2. Another posts saying - BW call OW evil harlots.

3. Other people either defend or shoot down the argument that "OW are not evil harlots".

4. Poster 2 can if they want, buy popcorn, sit back and enjoy the show. Or perhaps they join the fray they have helped create.

 

This is called setting up a straw man because nobody in the first instance has actually called anybody an "evil harlot". So the whole argument is about setting up and then demolishing a "man of straw" ie an argument that does not exist.

 

It's very frustrating when this happens!

 

Myrtle

 

Sometimes I've assumed the mods must have edited a thread prio to me reading it, because I see exactly this type of thing. It's very confusing and frustrating.

 

I've got to say that LS has been a real education to me in many ways...

[Fallen Angel]

What I quoted above is commonly said by MW, not by OW that are single during the A - unless they were married and divorced during the A.

 

On another board there is a constant war between the MW and the single OWs. Like its some sort of jealousy going on. They'd be jealous of Lizzie over there, because she has more than one *MM* as well.

 

But there does seem to be a difference is rationale between the MW and the single OW.

 

I've noticed that the its usually the single OW, or recently divorced OW, that usually jump feet first into any spats with BW/BSs here as well.

 

This may be generally true, I am not sure if it is or not, but it is not true of all single/recently divorced OW. Not all of us are here to start fights and take jabs at people who are hurting.

 

Some of us are here to try to heal, and getting the perspective of people from all sides of the triangle is helpful to understanding the WHOLE affair dynamic, not just what we personally experience on our side of the triangle.

 

I think conversly, that many BS are here to heal and help and are kind and compassionate to the OW/OMs.

 

It is a few on each side that start fights, with no other purpose than lashing out at any OW/OM or BW/BH rather than project their anger where it belongs, to the person that actually hurt them.

 

In those cases, I don't see any soulution other than reporting them, and letting the moderators decide what to do about it.

 

I tried to find solutions in another thread I posted a few days back, there seem to be none, and the thread deteriorated into a name calling brawl.

 

I am trying to just ignore the people who are obviously here only to cause others pain to "get even" for the pain that they feel, and to just help when I think I can and keep my mouth shut when I think I can't. I just refuse to get drawn into any bashing of BS or OW. I stand by what I said, that we are ALL broken from the fallout of the affair, and we all need to learn compassion for other peoples broken souls.

[LakesideDream]

Ah... the reason I'm not a regular contributor anymore. To much anger and acrimony. The OM/OW and Infidelity forums are mostly hate exchangers now.

 

As both a long term BS, and a a one time OM/AP I find it very non productive. I'm hard to move toward anger toward people who are obviously in deep emotional pain. I have literally "been there and done that" from both sides of the aisle, and the pain was horrific. I don't wish that to anyone.

 

I can't be hateful either. As long as my exW stays off the forum, I bet I stay that way.

[HarmonyHope]

I've lurked her for a couple months and I noticed something about that thread, and similar ones in this forum. An OW made a comment about the BS poster seeming to enjoy the idea that the OW in her situation was crying and in pain. The BS denied getting joy from that. Later, after a rather undignified brawl, another OW was verbally disemboweled for seemingly wanting the BW in her situation to be in pain. She denied this intention as well. Isn't it interesting that it's ok for a BS to say something like that in an OW forum, but the OW can't say it in the OW forum?

 

This appears to be a place where everyone is hypersenstive. It can be small things like little sarcastic LOL's/smileys to outright insults, but there clearly exists a competitive element between the OW and BS just like they experience in real life. I wonder then, does getting any of this out of your systems really help? Or does it just feed the beast within by providing a safe space to drop the nice facade and vent nastiness?

[2sure]

If BS and OW could get along...infidelity would not be the emotional hotbed that it is.

 

Its just the nature of the beast, not matter how nice or how mature we all are.

[NoIDidn't]

I've lurked her for a couple months and I noticed something about that thread, and similar ones in this forum. An OW made a comment about the BS poster seeming to enjoy the idea that the OW in her situation was crying and in pain. The BS denied getting joy from that. Later, after a rather undignified brawl, another OW was verbally disemboweled for seemingly wanting the BW in her situation to be in pain. She denied this intention as well. Isn't it interesting that it's ok for a BS to say something like that in an OW forum, but the OW can't say it in the OW forum?

 

This appears to be a place where everyone is hypersenstive. It can be small things like little sarcastic LOL's/smileys to outright insults, but there clearly exists a competitive element between the OW and BS just like they experience in real life. I wonder then, does getting any of this out of your systems really help? Or does it just feed the beast within by providing a safe space to drop the nice facade and vent nastiness?

 

 

See, this is the thing for me. What was the point of trying to call out the BS poster for a truly unimportant part of her post? When we focus in on something so minute, of course its going to turn into a war and the overall message gets missed.

 

There always seems to be a rush here, IMNSHO, by OPs to try to paint BSs as insincere. Some just look for offenses, real or imagined.

 

What I have noticed over the years is that the OW tend to be the first to complain that they were called a name in a thread - a new thread usually - when it hasn't even happened yet. And other like-minded OWs join in and then the thread becomes a BW bash. Its normal for BWs to jump in and defend against the stereotypes being used in the bashing. It never helps anything and it gets very old.

 

There are threads here that get ignored because they aren't very interesting. There are threads here that BSs NEVER comment on because it involves aspects of affairs that they aren't privy to. Once those threads become BS bashes, its not too surprising that BSs come in to counter it.

 

Believe me, I am not denying the reality that some BSs are just too judgmental to post here. Some do come just so that they can insult some anonymous person that they believe to be morally reprehensible. But the vast majority of posters here that are non-OPs (whether they be former, recently, or never betrayed) enjoy posting here and are respectful. We are getting tired of being blamed for the lack of civility often evident in this forum.

[angie2443]

I posted in the wrong thread. Sorry

[HarmonyHope]

What I have noticed over the years is that the OW tend to be the first to complain that they were called a name in a thread - a new thread usually - when it hasn't even happened yet. And other like-minded OWs join in and then the thread becomes a BW bash. Its normal for BWs to jump in and defend against the stereotypes being used in the bashing. It never helps anything and it gets very old.

 

Honestly it didn't appear to me to be a blanket BW bash nor a blanket OW bash. It seemed more that people on both sides were taking issue with someone appearing to revel in someone else's misery, but it quickly turned personal. Given the high emotions all around, its understandable. But I still think it's unproductive.

 

We are getting tired of being blamed for the lack of civility often evident in this forum.

 

It seems to me that you are just as guilty of it as the others. Maybe you'd like to start increasingly the civility quotient by stopping all the sarcastic LOL's and smileys?

[OWoman]

I will just describe something I have noticed. I will give a hypothetical example but not identify whether the posters are BW or OW as it can work both ways.

 

1. A poster posts saying - not all BW are evil.

2. Another posts saying - BW call OW evil harlots.

3. Other people either defend or shoot down the argument that "OW are not evil harlots".

4. Poster 2 can if they want, buy popcorn, sit back and enjoy the show. Or perhaps they join the fray they have helped create.

 

This is called setting up a straw man because nobody in the first instance has actually called anybody an "evil harlot". So the whole argument is about setting up and then demolishing a "man of straw" ie an argument that does not exist.

 

It's very frustrating when this happens!

 

Myrtle

 

Perhaps nobody in this actual instance called someone an "evil harlot", but it´s happened enough other times for those who´ve been on the receiving end to remember it.

 

I HAVE been called a whore here - a number of times. Yes, the mods have removed the posts, once reported, but that doesn´t undo them, nor does it render the claim false that SOME BWs do call OWs "evil harlots" (or similar).

 

(And yes, some OWs call BWs "bitter"... which, in their opinion, is as bad as being called an "evil harlot", so perhaps OWs should just stick to "evil harlot" instead of bitter? )

[NoIDidn't]

Honestly it didn't appear to me to be a blanket BW bash nor a blanket OW bash. It seemed more that people on both sides were taking issue with someone appearing to revel in someone else's misery, but it quickly turned personal. Given the high emotions all around, its understandable. But I still think it's unproductive.

 

It is unproductive. But look at who started it. That comment didn't need to get zeroed in on, and it hijacked the entire thread. What started as an attempt to debunk one stereotype (the so-called evil wife), went south as more and more OWs (I don't recall seeing any BWs agreeing with them as you claim) jumped on that bandwagon.

 

I am really not trying to point fingers. I am posting what I observed in that thread. If you observed something different, so be it.

 

 

It seems to me that you are just as guilty of it as the others. Maybe you'd like to start increasingly the civility quotient by stopping all the sarcastic LOL's and smileys?

 

In one paragraph, you decry the "productivity" of a post. And then you zero in on my last statement in the same manner that I was stating about the thread we were mentioning.

 

Please tell me just how THAT is productive, hmmmmm?

 

If sarcasm wasn't allowed here or was considered less than civil, you would think that the MODs would get rid of the smiley.

 

I see nothing wrong with sarcasm. Everyone here is supposed to be mature enough to understand it.

[donnamaybe]

What I have noticed over the years is that the OW tend to be the first to complain that they were called a name in a thread - a new thread usually - when it hasn't even happened yet.

 

Yup. Happens ALLLLL the time, which then fans flames that were never there to begin with.

[NoIDidn't]

Perhaps nobody in this actual instance called someone an "evil harlot", but it´s happened enough other times for those who´ve been on the receiving end to remember it.

 

I HAVE been called a whore here - a number of times. Yes, the mods have removed the posts, once reported, but that doesn´t undo them, nor does it render the claim false that SOME BWs do call OWs "evil harlots" (or similar).

 

(And yes, some OWs call BWs "bitter"... which, in their opinion, is as bad as being called an "evil harlot", so perhaps OWs should just stick to "evil harlot" instead of bitter? )

 

I guess this means that there is no proof that anyone has been called a whore if the posts no longer exists? j/k

 

I've seen the posts where it has happened. But let's be honest about one thing. Those posters are no longer here. So why is it constantly coming up when those posters kept getting banned and eventually stopped returning? The non-OPs posting here now aren't those posters.

 

I don't think that an OW only sleeping with one MM is a whore, for the record. The dictionary thinks so. But I don't. I think that sleeping with multiple men over a short time period qualifies one as being a whore according to the dictionary - whether the men or married or not.

 

But again, the majority of the posters - the regular posters - here do not condone that kind of name calling and are just as likely as an OP (OM/OW) to report it to the MODS.

 

I think its really pointless for some OP posters here to keep *warning* other posters of the names they might get called by posting their stories here. Its counterproductive because it puts the newbies on the defensive more often than not. Its also counterproductive because it seems to always summon a nasty poster to come in and do just that. And its not always BSs that do it, as claimed. There have been many drive by posters in this forum that will tell you that they have not been betrayed. Its obvious that they are trolling, but the BSs here take the brunt of the blame for it. I can't understand the logic behind that result at all.