Horrible "Ex" Situation....help!

[potsagold]

Alright, I'm new to this, but have read a few of these to get up to date.

 

My husband and I have been married for 3 months on the 13th. His ex wife is already driving me crazy...even before we were married. We decided not to have his now 8 year old daughter in our wedding because the ex would have shown up and ruined it for us in her normal way. When we have the SD she tells me things like "my mommy and daddy still love each other and you aren't going to be here anymore". When I tell my Husband, he confronts her in his daddy way and she denies everything. Then she tells me that me and her mom are best friends. I asked her who told her that and she said her mom did. Then she asks me, it's true, huh? You like my mom a lot......NO!!!!!!!!!

 

My husband always tells me after he talks to her that he wants to tell her off and hang up on her, blah blah blah. But, when he's on the phone with her, he is just normal, like he's talking to me. I'm so frustrated. She is beginning to call more and more and uses Christmas as an excuse, but I'm not dumb, I know what she's doing....trying to be our "friend" well, actually his, because she knows I can't stand her. Then when we have the SD, the ex calls here everyday two or three times a day. It's to the point we don't answer our phone and turn off the ringer so we don't have to hear her!

 

My husband and I have been arguing about her a lot lately. He says it's my problem and I need to deal with it myself in my own way. He hates her, I do know that...but, how do I cope with her calling all the time wanting to talk to him? She doesn't even tend to the SD so what does she call for? excuses?

 

To top it off...my husband wants to get custody because the mother neglects the SD in tooooooo many ways to talk about on here.

 

What do I do? I feel I'm about to breakdown....and my brand new marriage is at a stand still....I'm supposed to be a newlywed!!!!! HELP! How do I deal and still be close to my husband and not have animosity towards my SD? She loves me...

[moimeme]

The SD is just a little girl. It is ridiculous to worry about what she thinks or what her mother said to her. This is your problem and you do need to let it go. You have to be an adult. Your job is to create a healthy environment for that little kid and that means helping her love everybody in her life - including her own mother. Deep down, you fear that all the calls, etc. are just the ex trying to get him back. Drop that thought. It's no good for the child to be in a conflicted household and for you to be going on about the ex. Just focus on making your life together a good and wholesome one. The kid needs it, particularly if her mother is negligent.

 

Actually, I can't believe you didn't have the little girl in your wedding! It would have been such a treat for her.

[Arabess]

As wrong as it may FEEL to you....the bottom line is....when you marry a man with children....his EX is SURE to be in the picture. There is NO escaping it! The only person who can determine how much or how little he is going to converse with her....is HIM!

 

There is no way to aviod the endless issues which come up when couples divorce and the child goes back and forth. I didn't speak to my ex for almost 5 years until my 14 year old daughter got in toruble. We were on the phone most of yesterday. I don't even LIKE him and I needed to confer with him. I'm sure his new 'significant other' wasn't too pleased. However, it was unavoidable.

 

As the child gets older, she will be able to handle most of the phone calls. Her Mom will eventually have someone else in her life and will give you a break. Till then, all you can do is ride it out and try to talk to your husband about it....but not control the situation. He's as caught in the middle as you are.

 

In your case though, maybe she is trying to be friends with you guys because she thinks it may keep you from trying to get custody away from her. I dont' know....just a thought!

[cdn]

I'm sorry to say this, but I am really not seeing what is horrible about your "ex situation." What exactly is she doing that is horrible? Your husband and his ex share parental responsibility for *their* daughter. It is logical that there is going to be a lot of talk, especially in the early stages of your marriage, which may have caused a lot of upset for your SD. This is something you need to get used to and, in fact, if you can establish a friendship or at least a cordial relationship with the ex, it will make things much easier for everyone. At a minimum, unless she is stepping over the line, you need to accept the legitimacy of her connection to your husband.

 

Your SD is a just a child and needs feel welcomed loved and accepted when she is in your and her dad's home. It is really common for kids to have fantasies about their parents getting back together, even when all the hard facts suggest that there is no way this can happen. This is something she will outgrow in time. Perhaps it makes your SD feel better to think that you and her mom are friends. Why would you want to disabuse her of this? Your SD does not see her mother in the same frame as you or your husband do (and she must not!). She loves both her parents and will love you, too, given a chance.

 

You say you are confident that your husband does not have feelings for his ex any more. If so, there is no reason for the three adults not to do everything in their power to make your SD's life as comfortable as possible.

[Faerie Princess]

Your husband's ex is the mother of his child.

 

You are his wife.

 

She is his daughter.

 

That sounds like I'm stating the obvious, but there's more to it. He needs to respect her, because she's always gonna be his little girl's mother. She may not behave in ways that you both like, but that's her right. She's not on this world to please you, or to get along with you. She probably won't get along, and that's why they split.

 

You're his wife. You can't control everything in his life. You can't demand he feel any way about any one else. It's folly. He will have to spend emotional effort into his kid, his ex, his friends, his job and that's that.

 

She's his daughter. You and she can form a bond that can be very special, but it needs to be YOUR relationship: between the two of you. He needs to have a relationship with her that is special. She has a relationship with her mother that is special.

 

When she brings up the mom stories, and the "mommy and daddy still love each other," stuff, remember, she's a little girl who's world has been changed. She has no control over that aspect of her life. Put yourself in her shoes. Would you want the new person in your life contradicting you and telling you how much she hates your mother? Don't talk about mom, don't let yourself be drawn into that. Talk about school, talk about life in your house. If SHE wants to talk, let her talk, but don't tell her how things really are. She'll figure it all out eventually.

 

Now, I'm not advising you lie to her. If she ASKS you, "are you and mommy friends." I'd try to turn the discussion into figuring out what she understands friends are. Talk about how your and her mom share common goals; to make her life pleasant, to see that she do well in school and that she's loved and cared for.

 

And drop hassling hubby about what he should do, how he should talk and how he should tell the ex off. Harmony and pleasant treatment towards the ex coming from your world will make things better. She's who she is. You can't change that. You really don't need to care unless she is REALLY harming the child. I'm talking about not feeding her, not seeing she is warm and comfortable, physically or sexually abusing her, or leaving her unattended for hours. If she's not doing those things, let it go.

[moonspinner]

Wowee Potsagold, these are some really smart posters with great insight and advice...If I were you I would read and memorize every word, because you could really end up hurting your relationship with your husband and SD if you continue to harp on the ex.

 

Be wise, new wife...alot could backfire in your life if you try to rewrite history...You Can't.

 

And if you really must do something about ex, match energies....it's not a good idea to match negative energies, but if she is interested in becoming your "friend"...look into it.

 

 

Start calling her alot with questions that you may have about SD

 

You can get involved in her life and learn alot more about this person and perhaps figure out what makes her tick if you make an effort. Maybe she is ok, or maybe she is a sh*t...But you will never know if she is trying to manipulate your situation if you keep her at arms length....

 

And believe me...imo ...alot of guys don't like dealing with the catfight, petty,jealous female crap that goes on between wives and ex's...It gives them a huge pain-in the a$$.

 

If pursuing her doesn't suit you, then drop it...You can't control her, your husband or SD...Only yourself

[moonspinner]

Oh and just wondering potsagold...How long was your husband divorced from his first wife before you guys married.

 

Was he divorced when you started dating?.

[FreeMe]

hmmmm. I'm not sure I really completely agree with everyone. I do agree with a lot of the points - the ex is the mother of his child, she's entitled to know what's going, she deserves respect, and she's always going to be around, etc...

 

But - it sounds like she is using these things as excuses to CAUSE friction in the marriage. And if she is doing that, and your husband agrees, then he does need to have a backbone and tell her that she should tone it down a bit. He doesn't have to be rude. And I'm not saying she shouldn't be allowed to call. But it sounds closer to harrassment to me than concern for her daughter.

[Arabess]

Originally posted by FreeMe

But it sounds closer to harrassment to me than concern for her daughter.

 

You are right Free.....it surely COULD be. However, he motives isn't going to change the end result of her calling whenever she damn well pleases. It would drive me INSANE! That's why I wouldn't marry a guy with kids unless they were almost grown or his Ex was DEAD!

[potsagold]

Hi everyone!

Thank you so much for the feedback. I appreciate everything all of you said. I guess I was so caught up in my own feelings I didn't take an "adult step" back and look at the whole situation.

My husband and I have definitely talked about the whole situation, and we do agree that a line needs to be drawn with her. and, "I" have always understood she needs to call when we have the SD with us, but 5 - 6 times a day?. That was never the problem, but, details left out, sometimes she definitely crosses the line. Don't get me wrong, I love having SD here with us, and I actually cried the first time we had to take her home (this was before we were even married) so it's been awhile. Oh, and by the way, moonspinner: they were divorced before I came along. She has always been this way with him = more so when I was in the picture though.

And the reason my husband would like custody is because the child is in an unhealthy environment....I prefer not to go into detail, but, the mother is not keeping the child in a healthy, safe environment. This is not my imagination, it is the SS Dept. so we will probably have custody soon! And if she were in fact trying to be my friend, I may not want to be hers, but I would not be rude or anything close to it. In fact, the first time I had SD for a day by myself because husband was at work, we had a great time, we always have a great time together, we get along really well, until Ex calls. I even called Ex a few times when husband wasn't around so SD could talk to her, or I asked questions....I really did try! please believe me! I just don't want to be the bad guy.

And I should have elaborated on what I told her when she asked if me and mommy were friends, I swear to you I didn't blurt out NO, I told her that I only met her mom a few times and didn't know her that well, but she seemed nice. I HAVE NEVER SLANDERED HER MOTHER TO HER...EVER!!!

I know a lot of you disagree with my feelings....and if I were reading what I wrote, I would have too...but, sometimes I let my feelings get the best of me, and I am sorry for coming off like I was a brat!

I honestly want what's best for the SD...probably more than the rest of her family. You should see everything we bought her for the holidays...it's insane! We just remodeled her room, all kinds of things. When she's here...and sometimes even when she's not - it's all about her.

Sometimes, it's just hard to even grin and bear the mother / or the father for some of you, I'm sure.....But, anyhow...thanks - I will definitely take to heart what all of you said - I do appreciate it. But, I'm doing better now...THANKS!

[potsagold]

Oh, and by the way, it was my husbands final word not to have her in the wedding - or even attend. I was all for it and was even looking at flower girl dresses for her - but the ex said there was no way unless she was invited and made a HUGE stink over it....and her and my husband yelled, screamed, whatever...and there was more...but, it was HIS decision, not mine, and for whatever his final reason was, I never questioned because I said it would be his decision. That was something I definitely felt I should stay out of.

[DerangedAngel]

Just got caught up with all the posts. I think you were given some really good advice and I'm glad you and your husband were able to talk about it. Also, its great to hear that you are wanting to make sure that your SD is cared for and made to feel comfortable in your home. Enjoy your holidays and your new husband!

 

)(Deranged)(