the house, the ex-wife, and me, the new girlfriend

[FeelingLonely98]

Definitely not because of me. He was firm on not getting back with her and besides, during the separation, he had another relationship w/ someone else before me.

 

OK - then I think the BF is being unfair to YOU rd9.

If you had a part in the breakup I would not think like this.

You have to ask yourself if he loves you why does he not stick up for you more and fix this. I think it sucks that you have to go through this.

There are probably millions of good men without such a string attached like his?!?!

[rainyday9]

Ownership of the house title will come about during the separation of property, assets and debts when divorce is finalized. ANd yes, the judge can order that the house be sold and the profit split.

1: Notarizing a document doesn't necessarily make it legal and binding. Sorry that document isnt worth the ink it was written on unless a JUDGE ordered it. And i have yet to see any court rulings that would allow the parties to modify it or stipulate some of the silly stuff you are proclaiming to be true. Seriously have you seen/read the document?? Get a copy of it and take it to a paralegal. They will get one heck of a laugh for the day.

When the soon to be EX WIFE left, she left and doesnt get to make the rules now. . Separation is just that! Thus why your post makes little sense, or in my world, is filled with non sense that you are buying into. She may get partial ownership but she doesnt get to say who resides in the abode. She has to have 51% ownership to mandate such accord. How long was there marriage?

10 years.

I'm confused. Trippi1432 said she also had a similar clause about who is in the house, difference is there was a child involved.

Maybe if the divorce was finalized before the notarized clause, then it wouldn't count... but now i see it might have some weight since it happened before that?

Emotions aside, get advisal from paralegal. You'd be amazed to find out that as an adult this Lady doesnt have the power she falsely waves at her soon to be ex husband. Him playing the peacemaker isnt helping. He really does come off with plaing both sides and at some point he is going to need to stand up and be accountable.

 

FeelingLonely98, that's what I'm starting to think =/

Where's the respect for me?

[carhill]

There are probably millions of good men without such a string attached like his?!?

Yeah, I'm probably his age, have a similarly complex divorce and still in the middle of it, and no such 'strings' exist. My stbx and I only talk about matters regarding the divorce process and have settled out nearly all of our financial issues with little rancor. I could date now freely but don't think it fair to a woman since I'm still married and there is still divorce business to conduct, even if amicable. So, I adopted a cat (see my album for picture). One datapoint of a million

 

OP, at some level, are you attracted to this drama? Does this stuff get your juices flowing? Yes, you may despise it intellectually, but there's something keeping you there. Find it and you'll have your answer.

 

On the subject of contracts, the parties, if of contractual age and sound mind, can agree to anything and it is legally binding. I write and enter into contracts every day. That's why I have a lawyer on retainer In the OP's case, if she stayed for a month, exW could sue for breach of contract but, in order to be successful, she'd have to establish proof of the breach and determine what damages to seek and provide proof of how she was damaged. Absent a court order regarding a domiciled child, methinks, as a couple of posters have put it, that contract isn't worth the paper it's printed on, simply because she would be pissing in a hole enforcing it legally.

 

I've had notarized contracts upheld in court when I've sought legal changes to other contracts and I've also had both private and governmental agencies recognize them under threat of lawsuit. The key is proof of breach and proof of damages from the breach, or in some cases, refusal to recognize. It helps having good legal help. It's amazing what a good lawyer can do with some of the cr@p I've put together

Edited October 25, 2009 by carhill

[rainyday9]

carhill, that's noble of you to sacrifice your love life during this time. I guess it is a little bit of drama.

I'm still wondering if I have the right to be mad ..6 moths after the fact...

Afterall, I only voiced my opinion on it only once which is the moment I learned about it. But I never became overtly mad at him when he told me he'd agree to it.

 

Is it unfair to him now ..to bring this up?

..our relationship was only 2 months old when it was notarized(even though we both sincerely said we loved each other back then too)

 

sorry for drawing this out .. i'm confused w/ my emotions and whether or not it's rational.

Edited October 25, 2009 by rainyday9
edit

[carhill]

IMO, your emotions here are valid but I would reflect upon your next steps. Like I said prior, this could blow up in your face.

 

I can tell you with confidence that my closest friends, people who likely know far more about dealing with divorce than I do, are quietly supportive and do not inject their opinions into the process whatsoever. There's a really fine line here, speaking as a man. I would value input, and certainly want to know how someone I cared about felt, but would draw a boundary at such a person attempting to influence how I wound down a complex and long-lived marriage and property arrangement. That's me

 

If I were in your shoes, I'd remain supportive and available, but wouldn't inject myself into the circumstances, even incidentally. Err on the side of decorum. If you find the dynamic between he and his ex to be unhealthy for yourself, tell him and part company for now. Nothing wrong with that.

 

Like I think I said prior, date him and enjoy that stuff....... only.

[rainyday9]

btw, he offered TO PAY RENT to his ex-wife for me to stay there.

that is b/c i might find a new job there very soon.

 

in his mind it's fair to her since it's half of her house.

 

is this reasonable?

 

she'd have to establish proof of the breach and determine what damages to seek and provide proof of how she was damaged.

I have no idea where she would start..

[carhill]

I have no idea where she would start..

Exactly. I could move you and a whole harem in here and just give my stbx the finger and dare her to chew up multiple thousands of dollars on legal fees for what? Women living in a house she owns half of? Cry me a river. Seriously Ain't gonna fly. She'd have to prove those women materially damaged the property and reduced its value at sale, or perhaps started a brothel or some other illegal enterprise on the premises. It's just me and the cat here so I can think up other scenarios too

 

The house isn't the problem. It's the dynamic between this man and his ex. IMO, it's not healthy. You do know, as I said, that this property settlement phase can go on for years, right? All depends on how much money they want to spend on legal fees and how long they want it to go on. The court will invariably want them to settle, if at all possible.

 

Hope you're up for that....

[tojaz]

btw, he offered TO PAY RENT to his ex-wife for me to stay there.

that is b/c i might find a new job there very soon.

 

in his mind it's fair to her since it's half of her house.

 

is this reasonable?

 

I have no idea where she would start..

 

I think the whole thing is very passive agressive on her part, but if he signed the agreement, then he's bound by it reasonable or not.

TOJAZ

[TwoForgiving]

You keep mentioning how she is making your life difficult with this arrangement but can I ask why your boyfriend doesn't move into his own place with you? He still owns half the house whether he lives there or not, so what is stopping this guy from finding his own place? And what kind of divorce is this, that they haven't made arrangements to sell the place or have her buy him out when their divorce was finalized? You said they were divorced five months ago so why do they still have this house together? And how long do they plan on sharing this house for if they are divorced? Something sounds really off about this arrangement.

[rainyday9]

TwoForgiving, the ex-wife wants to move back in some time when it's beneficial for her. You see, she can't sell her new house b/c it's not a good market now.

 

So she says she might allow us to bend the rules if that meant he won't move out now and sell the old house until when she's ready to move back into the old house. AND before she said anything else, he offered her rent for me to stay also!

 

fyi, mortgage paid off already and technically, he paid more than half of the house.

Edited October 25, 2009 by rainyday9
fyi add

[TwoForgiving]

Okay, I understand where she's coming from about the market.

 

But why won't he move out? They could rent the house out, leave it empty, let a family member move in, whatever, there are so many options.

 

Why hasn't he suggested that you two find your own place? I can't imagine why he would willingly want to live in a house he shared with her while it causes you so many problems.

 

And what was the judge's decision about the house in their divorce settlement? I don't know where you are but I have never heard about a divorce being finalized without a decision being made about financial assets at the same time.

[rainyday9]

i don't think this is a good time job-wise.

 

so what do you guys think about me paying rent to the ex-wife??

[TwoForgiving]

Have you tried to talk to your boyfriend about how much this bothers you? You can offer to pay rent but you also seem to be avoiding addressing your boyfriend's attitude in this all. If I knew my living arrangements were affecting my SO so much as it seems to be affecting you, I would want to know about it and I would want to do something about it too.

 

Is your boyfriend unemployed at the moment? Is that what the problem is, that you two can't afford your own place yet? If it is, then that's another story. Where do you go when it's your "time" not to be in the house?

 

The bottom line is if she doesn't accept your offer of rent there is nothing you can really do. And without knowing why she demanded this stipulation we can't really tell you whether she'll go for the idea or not.

[rainyday9]

oh nooooo.. i will never pay rent to her. I'd rather live at a roach motel.

I meant that it seems to me he would do anything to please her, by offering rent, before she even said anything.

[TwoForgiving]

Then maybe you need to take a serious look at this relationship. What I said earlier still stands, I'd want to make my current SO comfortable.

 

If this guy is so concerned about keeping his ex-wife happy I'd have some real doubts about this relationship and would take some time out to reflect on its future and what kind of guy I got involved with.

 

I mean is the house his way of keeping in touch with his ex-wife? Keeping her in his life? Was he really ready to leave the marriage? From what you said, it sounds like she left him so is he still yearning for her?

[rainyday9]

it was his idea to leave. He just feels guilty he forced her out of the house... which is not really the truth. She just found a new place first.

[RedDevil66]

This sucks, but why can't he just stay at your place and just don't ever go to his place until the air is clear and his ex gets over this?

 

I ask again! Why can't you both just stay at your place?

Do you live alone?

[rainyday9]

hey sorry, I don't live alone so there would not be as much privacy.

yea it does suck for now.. I have to stand my ground and just not go see him anymore and have to only see him at most 2 weekends a month (LDR)

Edited October 25, 2009 by rainyday9
ldr

[melodymatters]

Seriously. The best thing you can do is stand your ground, and either A) he comes to you B) you get your own place together or C) he gets to see you less.

 

This is complete BS. I have been involved in many relationships and Real estate deals ( as an individual, as a Realtor and as a friend) and this is complete crap. If they agreed to keep the house as joint property, well they're stupid, but a besides that, a judge or the mediator or whoever would have set the terms ie " One pays the mortage and gets credit when sold" "one party can buy the other out at appraised market value " etc.

 

THIS, is NUTS.

 

AND, I can not respect a guy who lets his parents, ex, or siblings dictate his life, let alone OUR relationship.

 

This guy doesn't sound like an *******, more like a pushover, so if you both bend down to the ex, get the KY ready.Otherwise, you need to be as strong a presence as the ex apparently is. Not a bitch, but taking care of yourself as SHE is taking care of HERSELF.

[rainyday9]

Melodymatters, I really appreciate your opinion, this is exactly what I needed to hear!!

 

sometimes it really is not good to be too accommodating esp when it is a HUGE inconvenience to you. 3 hr drive!

 

Seriously. The best thing you can do is stand your ground, and either A) he comes to you B) you get your own place together or C) he gets to see you less.

 

This is complete BS. I have been involved in many relationships and Real estate deals ( as an individual, as a Realtor and as a friend) and this is complete crap. If they agreed to keep the house as joint property, well they're stupid, but a besides that, a judge or the mediator or whoever would have set the terms ie " One pays the mortage and gets credit when sold" "one party can buy the other out at appraised market value " etc.

 

THIS, is NUTS.

 

AND, I can not respect a guy who lets his parents, ex, or siblings dictate his life, let alone OUR relationship.

 

This guy doesn't sound like an *******, more like a pushover, so if you both bend down to the ex, get the KY ready.Otherwise, you need to be as strong a presence as the ex apparently is. Not a bitch, but taking care of yourself as SHE is taking care of HERSELF.

[melodymatters]

So, what is the plan when she accepts the job closer to the marital house ?

 

They will live together ?

 

She will buy him out and refinance so he is off the deed ?

 

I didn't go back and reread the whole thread, but I recall something about her moving closer and back into the house for a job, correct ?

 

This sounds like a rather big deal, so what are the plans for this occurance ?

[howcouldInotknow]

Do you really want to get involved in their not so amicable property settlement? TBH, I could see this blowing up in your face. By not settling up front, this could literally go on for years, since she doesn't need the money from the house for her other living quarters. The tone here is unfinished business. I'd be cautious

 

 

As a woman who began dating a man in a similar situation like yours (ie: separated for almost two years when we began dating, living separate from him ex about 4 hours away, divorce already in process) I say if they are that friendly so soon after divorce, and she sleeps over and they haven't sold they house I woul say be careful. Not every situation is like mine but usually divorced people especially without children want to separate their lives once they are divorced and get on with their lives. I just think you should be careful.

[rainyday9]

Her job has always been closer to the old house. She still buys things he likes and asks him to stop by her work to pick it up.

 

He's hoping that by next summer, I'll get a new job in his state and that's when we will look for a place. I don't know if it'll be that easy to transfer by then..it might even take me a year before that happens.

 

She will then move back to the old house. I really never saw the document but he told me that she made it clear that she has the right to move back to the old house at any time in the future. He never mentioned anything in the document about repayment of her half.

 

What he basically said was she will pay him whenever..... AND even if she cannot pay (even though she will have sold her new place by then), he will have enough to cover for our new home w/o her having to repay the half. So what he's implying to me, is that he's ok if she pays little by little til the end of time.

 

besides being a pushover (just by his wife only), i really question his business sense.

 

It's all been very taxing and only now do I feel the full brunt of everything and it's not like he's been that reassuring ...but that's another long boring story. Honestly, I really don't care about the money and this thread is not really about that stupid clause.. it's about me being confused about where I stand with him.

[rainyday9]

Not every situation is like mine but usually divorced people especially without children want to separate their lives once they are divorced and get on with their lives. I just think you should be careful.

 

thanks, I'll try. Maybe b/c they were married for a decade and knew each other even longer.

[howcouldInotknow]

All I am saying is be careful dont turn a blind eye to thinks and take things as what he says they are. Look out for you first, second, and third. As his new partner take a look at where you stand in the scheme of things. Where are you on his list of priorities? Does the needs of his ex come before yours. Ask yourself important questions try to give yourself an honest answer and you will see.