the house, the ex-wife, and me, the new girlfriend

[carhill]

Not every situation is like mine but usually divorced people especially without children want to separate their lives once they are divorced and get on with their lives. I just think you should be careful.

This is how it is with myself and my stbx, married over nine years. We live in different cities and have no contact other than divorce business, absent a dire emergency. We aren't friends, though we are friendly, hence 'amicable'. I see too many control games with the OP's situation, wrt her BF and his ex. They're not 'done' yet. Happy to be wrong

[melodymatters]

Ok, i'm getting a clearer picture.

 

It seems you have two issues.

 

One, is practical: money, house, who's living where when etc

 

two, is their closeness and what it REALLY means to YOUR relationship.

 

Think about them both, and pick your battles wisely.

 

I wish you luck !!!

[HarmonyHope]

The house isn't the problem. It's the dynamic between this man and his ex.

 

I've been reading this thread with interest as I have a similar situation. It really sounds as if your bf has unfinished business with his ex-wife. And as others have suggested, you might not be as high on the priority list as you should be because he lacks boundaries with her.

 

How do you feel about this idea of her sleeping over with him there? Even though I trust my bf, I hate when it happens because I know his ex-wife wants him back and I feel like it sends the wrong message. I know he harbors a lot of guilt because he was the one that wanted out and he caves sometimes to things I think he shouldn't. Sometimes it just feels like they still interact like husband and wife. She stirs up a lot of drama in our relationship, and I'm considering leaving over it.

 

Be very cautious with this guy.

[howcouldInotknow]

For all intents and purposes my ex and his wife appeared to be over and IMO he put my needs before hers at the time. I could stay as long as I wanted I could change things in the house, I had clothes and shoes and closet space, and things like that. I could be there whenever I wanted for as long as I wanted and never had any limitations, and there was still unfinished business between them. Sometimes things arent as complicated as it seems. He allows her to dictate because there is still some romantic emotion attached to allowing her this control. Its not just respect IMO. I would suggest you not fight too hard because you could very well be fighting a losing battle

[HarmonyHope]

Sometimes things arent as complicated as it seems. He allows her to dictate because there is still some romantic emotion attached to allowing her this control. Its not just respect IMO. I would suggest you not fight too hard because you could very well be fighting a losing battle

 

Even if it's not romantic emotion, he's getting something out of it that is strong enough to not compel him to stop it. It could be a lot of things - a way to alleviate guilt or feel like he is still keeping his vow to take care of her or maybe he wants to test the waters to see if she's changed (in effect making you a mistress).

 

If he had mixed feelings about the divorce, the strange agreement on the house makes sense - it left the door open for them to live together again. It seems like a tangible refusal to close the door on the marriage as over. Sometimes I wonder if divorce means anything - my bf has difficulty closing that door too.

 

I think the thing to decide here is whether he does these things at your expense or the expense of your relationship. And then of course, whether or not it makes the bad stuff in the relationship too bad to put up with.

[sfveggie]

bottom line, you need a new boyfriend, not this guy...

the wife isn't going away anytime soon. they are enmeshed. they might even get back together someday. you should kick him to the curb and find someone without baggage. this is heavy baggage. run away quickly.

Edited October 28, 2009 by sfveggie

[rainyday9]

Carhill, your situation is what i thought would be common but then i didn't know anyone who's been divorce so i had no reference point.

 

Melodymatters, that's true, I don't want him to resent me later on for being against his wife.

I've been reading this thread with interest as I have a similar situation. It really sounds as if your bf has unfinished business with his ex-wife. And as others have suggested, you might not be as high on the priority list as you should be because he lacks boundaries with her.

I'm afraid you're right.

How do you feel about this idea of her sleeping over with him there? Even though I trust my bf, I hate when it happens because I know his ex-wife wants him back and I feel like it sends the wrong message. I know he harbors a lot of guilt because he was the one that wanted out and he caves sometimes to things I think he shouldn't. Sometimes it just feels like they still interact like husband and wife. She stirs up a lot of drama in our relationship, and I'm considering leaving over it.

I'm sorry to hear that you're in a similar situation. I'm starting to think that my guy's ex feels the same way too and is doing these things to stay in touch. Since I haven't gotten to know his relatives/friends much, I can't really ask a third party to maybe talk to him and give their honest opinions. Maybe you do..if so, I think that if someone else talks to him, he might clearly see how this is affecting his new relationship w/o being resentful towards you. I hope that makes any sense..

I could stay as long as I wanted I could change things in the house, I had clothes and shoes and closet space, and things like that. I could be there whenever I wanted for as long as I wanted and never had any limitations, and there was still unfinished business between them. Sometimes things arent as complicated as it seems. He allows her to dictate because there is still some romantic emotion attached to allowing her this control. Its not just respect IMO. I would suggest you not fight too hard because you could very well be fighting a losing battle

Actually, I do have closet space but the limitation.. I don't think he has any romantic feelings..just guilt.

Even if it's not romantic emotion, he's getting something out of it that is strong enough to not compel him to stop it. It could be a lot of things - a way to alleviate guilt or feel like he is still keeping his vow to take care of her or maybe he wants to test the waters to see if she's changed (in effect making you a mistress).

maybe so

If he had mixed feelings about the divorce, the strange agreement on the house makes sense - it left the door open for them to live together again. It seems like a tangible refusal to close the door on the marriage as over. Sometimes I wonder if divorce means anything - my bf has difficulty closing that door too. I think the thing to decide here is whether he does these things at your expense or the expense of your relationship. And then of course, whether or not it makes the bad stuff in the relationship too bad to put up with.

I think that this adds to other problems that we already have together as a couple. I don't think my guy wants to get back to his ex at least, but i certainly don't want the ex to continue to be a part of our lives.

 

I guess this is one of the reasons why there is a stigma associated w/ divorce status?..baggage

 

HarmonyHope, I think we both feel that our guy doesn't want to get back together w/ the exes and that he's just feeling guilty. For me, I'm also trying to deal w/ some other problems w/ us too. Maybe if this keeps up, the problems will be too much. For example, aside from the ex, I think he becomes emotionless at times and is stingy w/ his affection whereas I give him all my heart. That alone is building a bigger gap btw us.

 

I really hope your problems won't be too much to deal with. Good luck with your relationship!

bottom line, you need a new boyfriend, not this guy...the wife isn't going away anytime soon. they are enmeshed. they might even get back together someday. you should kick him to the curb and find someone without baggage. this is heavy baggage. run away quickly.

i'm starting think about it..

[HarmonyHope]

Carhill, your situation is what i thought would be common but then i didn't know anyone who's been divorce so i had no reference point.

 

My divorce was like that - married over 10 years. We don't linger at each other's houses, only really talk if it pertains to the kids. We're friendly, but not friends.

 

Since I haven't gotten to know his relatives/friends much, I can't really ask a third party to maybe talk to him and give their honest opinions. Maybe you do..if so, I think that if someone else talks to him, he might clearly see how this is affecting his new relationship w/o being resentful towards you. I hope that makes any sense..

 

Actually I do. And they all tell him he's insane for engaging in his ex-wife's stupid little games. But, he does what he wants. And apparently what he wants is to keep the door open with her even though he doesn't want to go back to her. He feels to like it would hurt her to close it firmly and tells me that I am stronger than she is, so I should understand that. I think that's nonsense though - he knows she wants him back and maybe he just likes the attention he gets by misleading her. I don't know. I just know that I'm not comfortable with the utter lack of boundaries.

 

I don't think my guy wants to get back to his ex at least, but i certainly don't want the ex to continue to be a part of our lives.

 

As long as they don't have kids, there's really no reason she should be.

 

For example, aside from the ex, I think he becomes emotionless at times and is stingy w/ his affection whereas I give him all my heart. That alone is building a bigger gap btw us.

 

Hopefully it's not because his emotions are actually still tied up in his ex-wife. In my case, I'm pretty sure that's why I experience this feeling. Good luck to you too.

[howcouldInotknow]

Carhill, your situation is what i thought would be common but then i didn't know anyone who's been divorce so i had no reference point.

 

Melodymatters, that's true, I don't want him to resent me later on for being against his wife.I'm afraid you're right. I'm sorry to hear that you're in a similar situation. I'm starting to think that my guy's ex feels the same way too and is doing these things to stay in touch. Since I haven't gotten to know his relatives/friends much, I can't really ask a third party to maybe talk to him and give their honest opinions. Maybe you do..if so, I think that if someone else talks to him, he might clearly see how this is affecting his new relationship w/o being resentful towards you. I hope that makes any sense.. Actually, I do have closet space but the limitation.. I don't think he has any romantic feelings..just guilt.maybe so :(I think that this adds to other problems that we already have together as a couple. I don't think my guy wants to get back to his ex at least, but i certainly don't want the ex to continue to be a part of our lives.

 

I guess this is one of the reasons why there is a stigma associated w/ divorce status?..baggage

 

HarmonyHope, I think we both feel that our guy doesn't want to get back together w/ the exes and that he's just feeling guilty. For me, I'm also trying to deal w/ some other problems w/ us too. Maybe if this keeps up, the problems will be too much. For example, aside from the ex, I think he becomes emotionless at times and is stingy w/ his affection whereas I give him all my heart. That alone is building a bigger gap btw us.

 

I really hope your problems won't be too much to deal with. Good luck with your relationship! i'm starting think about it..

 

Don't assume what he feels is guilt. In my situation I would have thought there were no feelings left for his wife but they were there. Because you love and care about him you will only see certain things and those things you don't see are what hurts the most. The fact is that he isn't making much of an effort to separate their lives. You even refer to her as his wife and not his ex.

[rainyday9]

HarmonyHope, I don't know how much you asserted yourself w/ your guy. I think that if he knows how deeply hurt you are and how strongly you feel about it, he should try to change some things at least.

 

For me, I have only broached this topic just recently with him and have not really expressed my anger as much I have on this forum with him yet. I've only told him this past week I'm not comfortable w/ the week limitation and will not step foot in his house again. As far as contact w/ the ex, I haven't talked about it w/ him but I feel he would change if I am firm about it. we'll see..

Hopefully it's not because his emotions are actually still tied up in his ex-wife. In my case, I'm pretty sure that's why I experience this feeling. Good luck to you too.

wow, so are feeling that your guy is emotionally distant too?? Are we dating the same guy LOL. So far, I also try to be understanding as far as his moods go... since I believe a little bit in astrology, I thought I just need to get used to his hot/cold moods since he's a Cancer and I never dated anyone like him before =/

Don't assume what he feels is guilt. In my situation I would have thought there were no feelings left for his wife but they were there. Because you love and care about him you will only see certain things and those things you don't see are what hurts the most. The fact is that he isn't making much of an effort to separate their lives. You even refer to her as his wife and not his ex.

yeah I do find myself referring to her as the "wife"..even when talking to him; I guess it does mean something to some extent. What you say about only seeing certain things could be right on. I tend to do that too... afterall, I was able to ignore this whole visitation limitation all of this time.

[HarmonyHope]

HarmonyHope, I don't know how much you asserted yourself w/ your guy. I think that if he knows how deeply hurt you are and how strongly you feel about it, he should try to change some things at least.

 

Unfortunately I've discussed it with him a lot with little change on his end. He keeps telling me it's the way he's wired and if I want to be with him it's just something I have to accept. To me, that sounds pretty non-negotiable, so I'm trying to figure out if my expectations are unrealistic and need to be adjusted or if the bottom line here is that he's going to keep his ex-wife as an integral and meddling part of our relationship. Is it possible that your reluctance to really lay it out for him is fear that it won't change?

 

wow, so are feeling that your guy is emotionally distant too?? Are we dating the same guy LOL. So far, I also try to be understanding as far as his moods go... since I believe a little bit in astrology, I thought I just need to get used to his hot/cold moods since he's a Cancer and I never dated anyone like him before =/

 

Mine's a Virgo, so I guess we can still be friends I struggle with finding the line between being understanding and being a doormat.

[rainyday9]

so he's telling you that you have to accept she will be apart of your lives indefinitely?? I would have a problem with that too. Well I guess if your relationship is strong enough, it would be worth it to stay. Depends if the problems overshadow your happiness.

 

I don't really fear it won't change. Earlier on, I didn't want to interfere since the relationship was so new. Now that I know there's a somewhat planned future with him,.. I feel like maybe I should have some say.

Mine's a Virgo, so I guess we can still be friends I struggle with finding the line between being understanding and being a doormat.

l'm glad to hear that

I know he's a good guy and you don't find them that easily.. at least at my age..mid-thirties. We both don't have children and have the same values. I think we as individuals can be too nice and stronger personalities can take over. The struggle I have is that I love the guy and besides his ex, I feel like I might be more flexible/accepting/loving than he is. I might be old school but I think that for a girl to be happy, the guy needs to be more flexible and give in when he realizes that you're hurt, regardless whose fault it is.

[HarmonyHope]

so he's telling you that you have to accept she will be apart of your lives indefinitely?? I would have a problem with that too. Well I guess if your relationship is strong enough, it would be worth it to stay. Depends if the problems overshadow your happiness.

 

We are stuck with her, just like he is stuck with my ex (we both have kids with our ex-spouses), but that isn't the problem. My ex-husband does not in any way interfere with our relationship (boyfriend and me), nor would I let him. I do resent the fact that my boyfriend gives his ex-wife so much power over our relationship. As far if that overshadows the good - well that's the thing. Sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn't.

 

I don't really fear it won't change. Earlier on, I didn't want to interfere since the relationship was so new. Now that I know there's a somewhat planned future with him,.. I feel like maybe I should have some say.

 

Well good, I hope you're right. I agree that you should have some say in things that affect your relationship with him.

 

I know he's a good guy and you don't find them that easily.. at least at my age..mid-thirties. We both don't have children and have the same values. I think we as individuals can be too nice and stronger personalities can take over. The struggle I have is that I love the guy and besides his ex, I feel like I might be more flexible/accepting/loving than he is. I might be old school but I think that for a girl to be happy, the guy needs to be more flexible and give in when he realizes that you're hurt, regardless whose fault it is.

 

Yeah, we're pretty much in the same boat except that we both have kids. I think everyone should be willing to negotiate when something is happening that one partner finds very hurtful. And by that I mean, not just wordy reassurances, but action to meet the other party halfway.

[rainyday9]

As far if that overshadows the good - well that's the thing. Sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn't. Yeah, we're pretty much in the same boat except that we both have kids. I think everyone should be willing to negotiate when something is happening that one partner finds very hurtful. And by that I mean, not just wordy reassurances, but action to meet the other party halfway.

yeah that's the thing, it's hard to decide. But I need to decide soon..especially if I will be moving my job to another state. I don't want to end up another decade with someone wrong for me but I don't know if there's anyone else more compatible for me.

 

btw, how long have you been together? It's almost barely a year for us.

[HarmonyHope]

yeah that's the thing, it's hard to decide. But I need to decide soon..especially if I will be moving my job to another state. I don't want to end up another decade with someone wrong for me but I don't know if there's anyone else more compatible for me.

 

btw, how long have you been together? It's almost barely a year for us.

 

About a year and a half. The divorce was still pretty fresh (but final) when we started, so I let a lot of things go, figuring they would fade with time. I really never expected that after this long his ex-wife would still be such a major player in our relationship. She is literally the only thing we ever fight about. I just spoke to his mom again tonight- she called for an unrelated reason. She wants to talk to him again at some point, doesn't understand why he can't make good fences with his ex-wife either. Frustrating.

[HarmonyHope]

How are you doing rainyday9?