BAD NEWS - Step-son now wants to live with STBXW!

[FeelingLonely98]

One of the "reasons" STBXW gave was that I was not a good enogh Step-Father to her 19 yr old son. I wasn't perfect but never treated him bad but it is true I didn't treat him like my own two teenage biological sons. (I admit was wrong for this.) I made amends the day after D-day and told him I was wrong and I would like to start over with him. I always loved him and that's why it was easy for me to do this. We have been perfect and super cool ever since. 36 days ago STBXW left our house to live with her Mom and so she could freely date and sleep with the "boy" - her excuse was that she "gives up" on trying to see if the M could work. My step-son has stayed with me since because STBXW's Mom did not have room and he was comfortable here.

 

STBXW always said that when she had money she would get a 2 BR apt. for her and her BF and her son.

 

Well guess what? My step-son asked me today if he could stay here indefinitely - even if his Mom got her own apt. Of course I told him "YES"! He had many reasons he wanted to live with me (GF, job, school, comfort, disgust with what Mom is doing, ... <-- OK, the last part he didn't say but he is EXTREMELY uncomfortable with his Mom's actions and said he would feel uncomfortable living with his almost 50 yr old Mom & her 18 yr old BF) I told him he could stay with me forever as far as I'm concerned

 

Well, tonite my 19 yr old step-son came home and said he is probably gonna move in with Mom when she gets her apt. He told me some things she said to him tonite and basically she has made him feel guilty and made him feel that the right thing to do is go with family, i.e., Mom.

 

She is being so selfish and only thinking of herself and doesn't care how miserable he will be.

 

I have no vested interest in him living with me other than he is a good kid and I love him so if chooses to go I will wish him well. Will probably help me to "move on" better, huh?

 

THOUGHTS?

 

PEACE!

[Logik]

His choice. Don't really know how long he'll be able to stay there though. If I think back to when I was 19 and if this happened to me, I'd never be able to stay with her. I'd probably end up at loggerheads with the 18yo every day, actually I'm getting angry at this little boy just imagining it!

 

If your step son's gonna stay with her out of guilt, then he has to suffer the consequences of her actions. She's really pulling out the nasties now. Have you asked him if he'd go to IC to help him deal with the conflict? It could really help him make an informed decision instead of a forced one.

[FeelingLonely98]

His choice. Don't really know how long he'll be able to stay there though. If I think back to when I was 19 and if this happened to me, I'd never be able to stay with her. I'd probably end up at loggerheads with the 18yo every day, actually I'm getting angry at this little boy just imagining it!

 

If your step son's gonna stay with her out of guilt, then he has to suffer the consequences of her actions. She's really pulling out the nasties now. Have you asked him if he'd go to IC to help him deal with the conflict? It could really help him make an informed decision instead of a forced one.

 

I have not asked him if he wants to go to IC but I will. Thanks...

[PWSX3]

No matter what happens just let him know he is always welcome to come over to your place, he can spend as much time with you as he would like.

 

Also let him know you are behind him on what he decides so he knows you are giving him the choice but will back him up even if it's not what you would like.

[curiou]

How exactly is this bad news? He's her son, and she'll always be his mother. I know it makes you feel better to come on these forums and for people to tell you you're right, her behavior is horrible, etc etc and for her son to be ashamed of her actions. Validation makes all of us on the forum feel better. But it doesn't change the fact that it will not help you move on. It doesn't change the fact she did some MESSED UP stuff to you. Live your life as best you can without her.

 

My advice? Try to quit worrying about it. Notice I didn't say quit worrying about it, because clearly this is something you will never be able to forget (you wouldn't be human otherwise). NO ONE here disagrees that you're in a crap situation and that she DEVASTATED you with her crazy actions. Yes, she skanked out on you.

 

I think you should mentally prepare for the fact that her son may move in with her. He will likely have to spend time with her boyfriend or interact with him. You may hear things about how he doesn't like him. and then they may start hanging out. They may start to be cordial. they may even be friends. Sorry. That's a real possibility. And probably, the boyfriend will eventually leave the picture, given the rarity of such a relationship working out. But her son won't have BETRAYED you; he is only doing the best of a crappy situation and he can't change the fact she is his biological mother.

 

There is no "winning" or "losing" here if the son stay with her. It's just a mess of complex, emotionally devastating decisions you will have to learn to live with. making the rest of you life about finding validation and reassurance from others, although helpful in the short term, does nothing for your mental and emotional longevity.

[FeelingLonely98]

No matter what happens just let him know he is always welcome to come over to your place, he can spend as much time with you as he would like.

 

Also let him know you are behind him on what he decides so he knows you are giving him the choice but will back him up even if it's not what you would like.

 

But once he leaves - I will be assuming it is for good - just like with my STBXW that I can't "assume" she will want to come back to me (not that I would accept her) and I will need to move forward. I will probably convert his bedroom into maybe a sort of den for me and my two sons or maybe even an office / den.

 

Of course he will always be welcome to come over, visit, hang out, crash if he needs, ... but I have a feeling that my relationship with him will drift apart and dissolve when he leaves - not because of me - but because of time and space and his Mom influencing him, ....

 

In a way his leaving is bad for him but good for me because it helps move on quicker (better?) but it also will not be a link to the STBXW. But I would not want him to leave for ME - I want him to stay if it is good for HIM.

[FeelingLonely98]

How exactly is this bad news? He's her son, and she'll always be his mother. I know it makes you feel better to come on these forums and for people to tell you you're right, her behavior is horrible, etc etc and for her son to be ashamed of her actions. Validation makes all of us on the forum feel better. But it doesn't change the fact that it will not help you move on. It doesn't change the fact she did some MESSED UP stuff to you. Live your life as best you can without her.

 

My advice? Try to quit worrying about it. Notice I didn't say quit worrying about it, because clearly this is something you will never be able to forget (you wouldn't be human otherwise). NO ONE here disagrees that you're in a crap situation and that she DEVASTATED you with her crazy actions. Yes, she skanked out on you.

 

I think you should mentally prepare for the fact that her son may move in with her. He will likely have to spend time with her boyfriend or interact with him. You may hear things about how he doesn't like him. and then they may start hanging out. They may start to be cordial. they may even be friends. Sorry. That's a real possibility. And probably, the boyfriend will eventually leave the picture, given the rarity of such a relationship working out. But her son won't have BETRAYED you; he is only doing the best of a crappy situation and he can't change the fact she is his biological mother.

 

There is no "winning" or "losing" here if the son stay with her. It's just a mess of complex, emotionally devastating decisions you will have to learn to live with. making the rest of you life about finding validation and reassurance from others, although helpful in the short term, does nothing for your mental and emotional longevity.

 

Curiou - I have received a lot of good advice here on LS. I don't come to LS looking for validation or agreement that I am right, or acknowledgement that the STBXW is horrid, ... ETC.

I come here to hear GREAT advice from great folks who have been in my shoes. It really helps.

 

All that being said I think your post to me here was one of the best I've received - THANKS!

 

PEACE!

 

BTW - What brings YOU to LS?

[curiou]

Feelinglonely98

 

Short story: was married 2 years, found out wife was cheating after she left me and told me I love you, but I'm not in love with you. I broke down. A serious nervous breakdown. talked about it with any and everybody. Went desperate--installed a keylogger on the computer, spied on her emails. I got obsessed to the point it was the only focus of my life.

 

One day I got a letter from my sister in law, whom I dont' even talk to very much at all. The profundity of the letter, the beauty of her words of support, the fact that someone I didn't know well at all took the time to grace me with such encouragement to get through the situation and to be more philosophical about life, woke me up. I realized I had been wallowing in crap, and pretty much the only thing I talked about with other people was how crazy my ex-wife was being. I was bringing my life down at that point, and pretty much depressing everyone around me. It had to stop.

 

I went no contact and served divorce papers. She started calling and backpedaling, and pleaded with me to give her another chance. by that point, I had healed enough (I admit it was still hard) to be strong. I proceeded with the divorce.

 

I work hard to be successful and stay out of debt (besides student loans), I don't waste money, I take care of myself by eating healthy and working out, and I take care of the people around me who treat me right. Life couldn't be better now. I travel once a year to a beautiful place with the new wife (going three years), we've been to Florida, London, and a Mediterranean cruise. My family visits once a month from out of state to see our new baby. I'm much more realistic about marriage and life now (I wax philosophical, eh?). No one could ever hurt me the way I was hurt before--even if the same thing happened to me.

[FeelingLonely98]

Feelinglonely98

 

Short story: was married 2 years, found out wife was cheating after she left me and told me I love you, but I'm not in love with you. I broke down. A serious nervous breakdown. talked about it with any and everybody. Went desperate--installed a keylogger on the computer, spied on her emails. I got obsessed to the point it was the only focus of my life.

 

One day I got a letter from my sister in law, whom I dont' even talk to very much at all. The profundity of the letter, the beauty of her words of support, the fact that someone I didn't know well at all took the time to grace me with such encouragement to get through the situation and to be more philosophical about life, woke me up. I realized I had been wallowing in crap, and pretty much the only thing I talked about with other people was how crazy my ex-wife was being. I was bringing my life down at that point, and pretty much depressing everyone around me. It had to stop.

 

I went no contact and served divorce papers. She started calling and backpedaling, and pleaded with me to give her another chance. by that point, I had healed enough (I admit it was still hard) to be strong. I proceeded with the divorce.

 

I work hard to be successful and stay out of debt (besides student loans), I don't waste money, I take care of myself by eating healthy and working out, and I take care of the people around me who treat me right. Life couldn't be better now. I travel once a year to a beautiful place with the new wife (going three years), we've been to Florida, London, and a Mediterranean cruise. My family visits once a month from out of state to see our new baby. I'm much more realistic about marriage and life now (I wax philosophical, eh?). No one could ever hurt me the way I was hurt before--even if the same thing happened to me.

 

COOL! Thanks for sharing curiou.

 

Believe it or not ... I am on day 57 now and for about the past month or so I have reached the conclusion that it's over.

(Funny, at this very moment my ITunes is playing the Motels "Take the L" - as in "... Take the L out of lover and it's over ...". How prophetic!)

Anyway, the first month I was miserable with the blindside "ILY - but INILWY" and "I want a D". - I was desperate, pathetic, not sleeping, couldn't eat (lost 30 lbs. in 30 days), ETC. But because of WHAT the STBXW did and how she did it - it made it easier for me to 180 and move forward with looking for her in my rearview mirror.

Don't want to rehash what she f*ck8ng did again here - read my earlier post anyone if you want to see - It's a Motherf'ing DOOZY, believe me!

 

I am not necessarily happy and content now but I'm trying. I hope curiou to be where you are one day. Maybe with a loving W, maybe not. Just happy.

I would back time up if I could to before all of this to "happier" times but I can't. I am definitely NOT saying I want her back NOW. I'm beyond that.

 

 

THANKS AGAIN!

[FeelingLonely98]

Step-son (19) still not sure if he wants live with my 47 yr old STBXW or with me. STBXW laid a big time guilt trip on him (I'm your Mom, this is "family", ...). She is only concerned with her needs. It would be a total embarassment if when she told friends that she and the BF got their place and they would ask "how does your son like the new place?" / well, to say he chose to live with my XH, well, she just couldn't have that, huh?. I just told him that he would be welcome here in my house forever, that I loved him, and it is his choice (not Mom's or mine). He wants to live here in my house because he does NOT want to live with his Mom and her 18 YO BF. I don't blame him. She also left her own son.

 

I basically told him to take his time, and I will understand his decsion either way and that he is to know that I will NEVER think he betrayed me or anything like that.