Unsure Posted December 5, 2003 Share Posted December 5, 2003 Hello, I hope someone will respond. I met someone earlier this year. Straight away we pretty much knew we were quite ideal for each other and saw pretty much straight away quite a lot of long term potential. See the children, the marriage etc etc. One thing holds our longterm dreams apart. He is from a 3rd world country and has always had a part of him that dreams to return to his homeland. That was his plan until he met me. Now he is undecided on whether to return or start a life with me. One thing holds our day to day moving 'forward peacefully' apart. 3 months prior to meeting me, he went back to his homeland for a vacation and met a girl once. They kept in contact via internet and have continued to do so since he and I have been together. He refuses to give me much detail on their relationship. He has told me she is not relevant to our relationship 'today' however she msgs him every single morning and day with words of "I wish you were here" and I feel so violated. I have since found out via her that she is madly inlove with him, she calls him her boyfriend - although they only met once and correspond regularly via the Net. In my eyes, he is not in love with her, she is just a part of his culture which draws him to her. My mind wishes to do what's in the highest interest for all parties (even if this means letting him go), my spirit wishes to set him free to find himself, my ego wishes she would disappear and my heart wishes he would decide soon on what he needs, I know he knows what we have found is extraordinary. I don't know if he has the strength to see it right now. I want to do what's right. Any suggestions please? Link to post Share on other sites
Reckless Posted December 5, 2003 Share Posted December 5, 2003 Let him go - he's not 100% yours anyway. Clearly, despite your feelings your boyfriend continues an inappropriate relationship with someone that shares his culture and lives in a country that he yearns to return to. You have at least two problems. Firstly, you do not share the same life vision. This is very important. With internet communication and increased travel people are increasingly finding mates from outside their own cultural group. Although these relationships can survive, figures show that they are much more risky; different values, expectations and most of all, the risk of family resistance make these relationships a big gamble. In order for it to work you must have a completely united front and you don't seem to have. Dreams don't change, they may be put off or frustrated but if your boyfriend longs to go home and build a family there, he will do so. Or be unhappy. Both ways you lose. Secondly, he met this girl before you and I seriously doubt that he only saw her one time. Even if this was the case he doesn't desire or seem to be able to put an end to the affair. I say 'affair' because at least one of them (and I suspect both) are deeply involved emotionally. This fact along with the fact that your feelings about this do not influence him, is a very bad sign for the future. Exclusivity and putting your partners feelings above anyone outside the relationship is a sign of how committed someone is to making that relationship work. I suspect your boyfriend is not completely committed to you or the relationship and is keeping this girl and the options she represents (home, a life he's dreamed of) because his heart is really not yours. Even if you put your foot down, even if you both decide to stay, even if he stops contacting this girl and says he's changed his dreams, everything I've mentioned would still be there and I believe resurface and cause you both pain in the end. You yourself mentioned 'setting him free' and that, I think, is what you will have to do. Remember the saying, if he does return to his home country and a few years down the line, sell up and move back and ask for your hand, he's yours for keeps. If he settles down (with this girl) and you never hear from him again, if you truly love him you will be comforted you did the right thing and wish him joy. I know it's hard, I've had a love less ordinary and said goodbye myself. Peace. R. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted December 5, 2003 Share Posted December 5, 2003 I don't see how you really enter into this. In every case, it is his decision. It will be he who decides whether to go back home or not, no matter what you think or how you think he feels about this other woman. Certainly, though, he would have to change his relationship with this other person were he to plan to spend his life with you. It is one thing for a man to keep an old female friend and send her a note or call her every once in a while and quite another to be in daily contact with such a friend, no matter how 'relevant' he tells you she is. Link to post Share on other sites
DJ-TK Posted December 6, 2003 Share Posted December 6, 2003 Before making any decision, you should wait for some time since it is such a big thing in your life. I think there might be 2 options: 1. He feels something for that girl (this a big problem which he would have to decide who to be with - or be alone foe some time till he would figure out what he wants) 2. He doesn't feel a thing for her and this relationship is just cos it reminds him of his homeland (like you assumed). Either way, this relationship with that girl is very inappropriate. It has a too romantic tone (espacially from the girl's side !) and he should leave her. I understand he loves his homeland and made plans and all, BUT I also believe stuff can change. If you ask me, I'll tell you YES, he can start a life with you in another place, enjoy them and even tell you later on this was a good decision. Although you both have different cultures, it can work out fine. You'd learn to execpt each other's values and all (if you love each other and would want this to work out) and it'll be good. I guess it can be more risky to be with a person lived in another culture, but love is risky. Sometime you gotta take chances. It seems you both want this to work out and so this is my advice: 1. He should think with himself what the hell is going on with the other girl and figure it out - If he feels something for her, he'd obviously would have to choose, if it's the other thing (she reminds him his culture and all) so he'd still would have to stop his relationship with her since it's very inappropriate and the girl gets stuff all wrong (refers to him as her BOYFRIEND ?!?!?!). Either way, they should completely stop their relationship. 2. He should figure out what he wants to do with himself: if he is willing to give up certain dreams and build new ones (it is possible ! I don't believe dreams are always permanent), for being with you. I can say I would give up a whole bunch of big stuff I wanna do to be with my girl. I love her so much, that I'm willing to change a lot of things in my life as long as she's with me. ------- The whole process in large, is his now. You sholdn't have any say (except for maybe adventages and disadventages of his decision, or objective stuff - in order to help him) in what he decides to do. This is now his tmie to figure out stuff and you should just hope for the best... There's not much you can do except for telling him he gotta choose and do the above (1 & 2)... Hope it'll work out... Link to post Share on other sites
Unsure Posted December 6, 2003 Share Posted December 6, 2003 Hi Moimeme, Thank u for ur feedback. We r now taking a break. I confronted him with it, he didn't like that. Repeated that he has been nothing but true to me. Am going to give him a break to sort himself out, that's what he needs... Will b hard but I have all faith and all agreeance with the outcome. Thanks for ur msg, appreciated. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted December 6, 2003 Share Posted December 6, 2003 Thank u for ur wonderfully loving and thoughtful responses. We r now taking a break, I confronted him re her. I have faith that he loves me and not her. This is also why he is finding it hard to just go back to his home-land like he planned. He has recognised that no-one understands him like I do and there is an extraordinary love between us. But he feels life is not about happiness and love - it's duty. I'm assuming that if he does not choose to be with me, he will choose her, not because he loves her but because of 'duty' and the need to pro-create within his culture... Anyway, long story short. He now has his freedom to decide without my metaphysical bond being in the way. I have all faith and all agreeance with the outcome. Will be hard being without him, but it's the best thing to do. Thank u for ur feedback, much appreciated my friends. Link to post Share on other sites
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