Author Aksion Posted November 1, 2009 Author Share Posted November 1, 2009 I gotta be honest here -- if it wasn't for me finding this site, better yet, if it wasn't for you Tojaz, I think I'd be even more further gone than I already am. I wanna thank you, even though I know its your hurt, and your pain that has given you the insight and understanding of what I am going through. I'm actually writing all this from my phone, as I've been wandering around aimlessly again just to be out of my house. Been out since 3am. I've been staying strong with this NC -- I don't know if she checks up on me or not, I'd assume she doesn't. Flirting with other women the other night opened my eyes a bit...I'm definently not ready for another woman in my life, but I feel, I guess desperate for the attention of one as I had it for so long. I do miss her...and even though I say how I want her to be happy, I almost wish she was dying inside as much as I am at times because I want her so much. Then I remember that she did this to me, and the feeling of anger/resentment wash over me and I know I no longer want her in my life -- because she could do this to me all over again, and I'm weak enough to allow her to. Funny...I'm 6'0 and built like a brick -- and I'm allowing this 5'5" 105lb woman break me down into little pieces... Link to post Share on other sites
FeelingLonely98 Posted November 1, 2009 Share Posted November 1, 2009 I have read many many threads trying to find answers if not to help them but to help myself. What the hell am I supposed to do? Our life is scattered everywhere for me to see. I don't go searching for her or anything to do with her, she is everywhere. I know everyone advocates NC as she did the leaving, but it seems at times she wants me to contact her.. I got everything out of the house that would directly remind me of her. All pics, framed photos, albums, wedding album, scrapbooks, mementos, ... I asked her to get the 40 boxes of her stuff that I neatly packed for her. It helps that the closet is all mine now. The bedroom has no more of "Her" stuff. It is not that I wish her out of my life, that I despise her, - if anything I love her as much today as ever. I wish I didn't though - would be so much easier. It is just that I NEED to plan life without her. I can not "live" with the way I was the 1st 30 days after the ILYBINILWY speech. Also, remembering what she did to ME helps me to move forward. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Aksion Posted November 1, 2009 Author Share Posted November 1, 2009 I've done that already. "Our life" is scattered all over the Internet, pictures, videos, everything. I can't even log on to sites like myspace/facebook w/o seeing something about her or "us". I don't know why she is doing this, and I know none of us do, but it is the worst feeling ever. Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted November 1, 2009 Share Posted November 1, 2009 I gotta be honest here -- if it wasn't for me finding this site, better yet, if it wasn't for you Tojaz, I think I'd be even more further gone than I already am. I wanna thank you, even though I know its your hurt, and your pain that has given you the insight and understanding of what I am going through. I'm actually writing all this from my phone, as I've been wandering around aimlessly again just to be out of my house. Been out since 3am. No need for thanks Ak, I consider it a privelege if I can help people here, this sight saved my life, I really believe that! When I first came here, I felt like I was dead inside, nobody home. I fought and argued with the vets and poured my misery out on the screen. It takes awhile. As I moved forward, and learned about what was happening, I made some fabulous friends here that helped me a great deal, our own little clique of lost souls if you will. At my worst, I would skip days of work just to talk to them, and rushed home to get my feelings out, or to try and help them with theirs. A few i could PM with for all day, a 16 hour stretch was not uncommon! Now, some I talk to every day either through E-mail, PMs, or even on the phone with a lot of them! These people are some of my best friends even though we have never met we all shared in something very special, and as we started to move on, that friendship has continued and can't imagine my life without hearing from them. The point is, that it isn't just hurt and pain that I learned from, but the hope and rays of light that the people here gave me. When I was desperate for a connection, and people to listen they were there, and I did my best to be there for them. If you want to thank someone, thank the patient vets here that took the time to pull my a$$ kicking and screaming out of the hole. TrustInYourself, Gunny (of course), PWSX3, Chrome, Lakeside, OWL. These guys as much as I hate to admit it, put me back on my feet and got me marching! I have to thank... Mr. MayI, Lupa, BrokenHearted, Ladybug, Trippi, Delajoonal, and especialy my British sweetheart LisaUK! If I hadn't found these folks here, I'd be in a padded room somewhere pulling my hair out and having a meaningful conversation with my socks! So If I can do that for you and some of the other new guys here Ak, I consider it an honor and a privelege to give back! I've been staying strong with this NC -- I don't know if she checks up on me or not, I'd assume she doesn't. Flirting with other women the other night opened my eyes a bit...I'm definently not ready for another woman in my life, but I feel, I guess desperate for the attention of one as I had it for so long. I do miss her...and even though I say how I want her to be happy, I almost wish she was dying inside as much as I am at times because I want her so much. Then I remember that she did this to me, and the feeling of anger/resentment wash over me and I know I no longer want her in my life -- because she could do this to me all over again, and I'm weak enough to allow her to. Funny...I'm 6'0 and built like a brick -- and I'm allowing this 5'5" 105lb woman break me down into little pieces... OK, enough sappy threadjacking! You need to try to quit worrying about what shes doing and what shes thinking. I say try because it's like holding the ocean back with a broom, but every moment you can is a little bit of gained ground. I know you want to see what shes feeling and hope shes as torn up as you are, but shes never going to show you that, so quit looking! As for other women, welcome to puberty all over again my friend, your starting from scratch, girls are scary as hell again!! Your going to find yourself in some very interesting situations as you go through this, just try to enjoy the good moments as they come, trust me they will! As I have stumbled through this all, mixed in with all the pain, I have had some of the most special and meaningful moments of my life, and a few very unique ones that i never thought I would find myself in yet enjoyed just the same. Its a hard and bumpy road, but as time goes on there are some parts you will be thankful for, and some parts where you will actually enjoy the ride! You don't see it now, but trust me. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted November 1, 2009 Share Posted November 1, 2009 It is just that I NEED to plan life without her. I can not "live" with the way I was the 1st 30 days after the ILYBINILWY speech. Also, remembering what she did to ME helps me to move forward. Theres a lot of strength in using that to keep perspective FL, glad to hear it! TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
trippi1432 Posted November 1, 2009 Share Posted November 1, 2009 You need to try to quit worrying about what shes doing and what shes thinking. I say try because it's like holding the ocean back with a broom, but every moment you can is a little bit of gained ground. I know you want to see what shes feeling and hope shes as torn up as you are, but shes never going to show you that, so quit looking! TOJAZ There's a lot of truth here Ak, the advice that Tojaz is giving is solid. You can't spend your life thinking about her and what she is doing or thinking, it will just drive you crazy....you just have to get to a new "normal", that's what I finally did.....you will go through many stages of trying to find it, but you have to continue to live your life. Now you can do it on your terms. Link to post Share on other sites
Auroracoladybug Posted November 1, 2009 Share Posted November 1, 2009 Aksion what Tojaz says reminds me of the boy throwing starfish back in the ocean and the person telling him "that won't do any good there are far too many" the boys reply..."it did for that one"...we all put ourselves out here with our stories...for advice, comfort, venting, and even just to connect. Reclaim that house as yours so you can go "home"...easier said than done I know but honestly there has to be somethings about it you like...I have had a hard time with things, Hell the dresser J had his clothes in is still empty (could use it because I have too much clothes)...I know my story is a little different than others. I have learned thru this that there is a lot in my house I no longer want and I am still going to aim to make the changes I wanted me and J to make. After the divorce (doesn't look like J will go for separation instead) I will have one hell of a garage sale... I want my yard cleaned up and my garage finished so I can actually work in there...I want new windows, a deck off my master bedroom. I want the 70's wallpaper gone...etc...on the other hand I may have to sell it and start new but for now I am making it my home...J will not take that from me. Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted November 1, 2009 Share Posted November 1, 2009 Good spirit Ladybug, another starfish saved! :bunny: LOL TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Auroracoladybug Posted November 1, 2009 Share Posted November 1, 2009 By the way my sign is Cancer, I was a competitive swimmer, and I have worked in aquatics for 14 years...I am a fish out of water! LOL Aksion get in! the water is great!!! LOL I would send you a starfish if I could. Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted November 1, 2009 Share Posted November 1, 2009 By the way my sign is Cancer, I was a competitive swimmer, and I have worked in aquatics for 14 years...I am a fish out of water! LOL Aksion get in! the water is great!!! LOL I would send you a starfish if I could. You see a lot of starfish in Colorado? LOL Link to post Share on other sites
Auroracoladybug Posted November 1, 2009 Share Posted November 1, 2009 You never know what you can find in colorado...Rocky Mountain Oysters are pretty good! LOL Link to post Share on other sites
Thornton Posted November 1, 2009 Share Posted November 1, 2009 Sorry to hear you're experiencing this I believe the best way to look at it is as a series of small recoveries and relapses - you feel better, then you feel worse, then you feel better again. The positive thing about this is that you're feeling better at least some of the time! At present you're experiencing more relapses than recoveries, but as time passes you'll find that the good days become more frequent, and eventually they will outnumber the bad days. Don't beat yourself up about feeling bad - feel proud that you sometimes feel better, and that the proportion of good days is steadily increasing. I firmly believe that you never get over some things, you just learn to live with them - this whole rollercoaster is just the process of learning to live with the situation. It's like building muscle - it hurts but it heals a bit stronger, and next time you exercise it hurts again but it heals a bit stronger, until you have strong muscles and exercising doesn't really hurt any more. You have to have faith that things are getting better all the time -they are, even if it's happening in such small increments that you can hardly see it. Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted November 1, 2009 Share Posted November 1, 2009 You never know what you can find in colorado...Rocky Mountain Oysters are pretty good! LOL Yeah, I've done Colorado, not falling for that one! Link to post Share on other sites
FeelingLonely98 Posted November 2, 2009 Share Posted November 2, 2009 OK, On the sappy side again - TY to Gunny, seibert, delajoonal, logik, chrome b, dgiirl, tojaz, lisaUK, 2.50 gallon, sumdude, mrmayI, ladybug, trippi, jabedoe, gorilla, dexterm, ... even to you aksion, in your few weeks aboard here at LS. I know I've forgotten some - sorry. Even an LS member that posted only one message of advice to me, even that was a great help to me. Half the time I would post 3,4,5 posts in a row foir my sanity, but in time, the wonderful words would appear on my screen. I thought I was the only one that spent hours and hours here. Like tojaz said - LS - while it may not have literally saved my life - it did "save" me. I don't even remember how I found it. It was a higher power that led me to this discovery - I am convinced of that. Thanks to those that have PMd me. Anyone else who wants to PM feel free. It's ALL good. PEACE! LOVE! Link to post Share on other sites
PWSX3 Posted November 2, 2009 Share Posted November 2, 2009 I've done that already. "Our life" is scattered all over the Internet, pictures, videos, everything. I can't even log on to sites like myspace/facebook w/o seeing something about her or "us". I don't know why she is doing this, and I know none of us do, but it is the worst feeling ever. My counselor & I have also heard it from others say; you should keep some of the old memories, then when you are ready to pull them out & look at the good times you did have together. It's not to get back together but to help grieve the loss of what you had, the good part & maybe even help grieve what could have been. I still have many pictures of the former wife & I do look at them once in a while. We did have a good time but those times are over & I do need to grieve them. Just something to think about. It's not always good to get rid of everything. I figure my son will want pictures of what we used to have & I can pass those on to him. Link to post Share on other sites
FeelingLonely98 Posted November 2, 2009 Share Posted November 2, 2009 My counselor & I have also heard it from others say; you should keep some of the old memories, then when you are ready to pull them out & look at the good times you did have together. It's not to get back together but to help grieve the loss of what you had, the good part & maybe even help grieve what could have been. I still have many pictures of the former wife & I do look at them once in a while. We did have a good time but those times are over & I do need to grieve them. Just something to think about. It's not always good to get rid of everything. I figure my son will want pictures of what we used to have & I can pass those on to him. I couldn't bear to keep even a single pic. There are non-intimate objects in the house that remind me of her that remain, but those special things (gifts, cards, pics, ...ETC.) they cause too much pain. Maybe because oif how traumatic my breakup has been I juust got rid of them. Didn't throw 'em out - just put 'em all in one box that she hauled away with her 40 total boxes. I've been told by many that my story is one of the harshest here on LS - so maybe that's why I've chosen this route. Works for me. Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted November 2, 2009 Share Posted November 2, 2009 I couldn't bear to keep even a single pic. There are non-intimate objects in the house that remind me of her that remain, but those special things (gifts, cards, pics, ...ETC.) they cause too much pain. Maybe because oif how traumatic my breakup has been I juust got rid of them. Didn't throw 'em out - just put 'em all in one box that she hauled away with her 40 total boxes. I've been told by many that my story is one of the harshest here on LS - so maybe that's why I've chosen this route. Works for me. FL, I agree that seperating yourself from the reminders etc. is a good way to help yourself cope, but I also think that you will live to regret giving up those reminders. Regardless of the nastiness of the break up, she has been an important part of your life and in essence has contributed to making you who you are. There will come a time when the pain has faded where you will want those memories back, I'm sure of it. As painful as it may be, you might want to rescue some of that while you can and save it for the future. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
FeelingLonely98 Posted November 2, 2009 Share Posted November 2, 2009 FL, I agree that seperating yourself from the reminders etc. is a good way to help yourself cope, but I also think that you will live to regret giving up those reminders. Regardless of the nastiness of the break up, she has been an important part of your life and in essence has contributed to making you who you are. There will come a time when the pain has faded where you will want those memories back, I'm sure of it. As painful as it may be, you might want to rescue some of that while you can and save it for the future. TOJAZ Even my MC mentioned as much. I just can not see that now. Maybe I can rescue some of it as you mentioned and give them to my Mom in case I ever want them back. TY. I will think of what you said ... Regardless of the nastiness of the break up, ... re: the nastiness reference - YES, it was nasty and mean - but only on her end. I have been super nice and digniifed - in spite of my pain and frustration. Link to post Share on other sites
FeelingLonely98 Posted November 2, 2009 Share Posted November 2, 2009 FL, I agree that seperating yourself from the reminders etc. is a good way to help yourself cope, but I also think that you will live to regret giving up those reminders. Regardless of the nastiness of the break up, she has been an important part of your life and in essence has contributed to making you who you are. There will come a time when the pain has faded where you will want those memories back, I'm sure of it. As painful as it may be, you might want to rescue some of that while you can and save it for the future. TOJAZ Does anyone has firsthand experience on the tojaz post above - see bold. Was there a time when you were again comfortable with "seeing" the memories? Do you think I will regret it? Did anyone do what I did and remove ALL memories - only to regret in the future not hanging on to a few things? (I know - lotsa questions! ) THANKS! PEACE! Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted November 2, 2009 Share Posted November 2, 2009 re: the nastiness reference - YES, it was nasty and mean - but only on her end. I have been super nice and digniifed - in spite of my pain and frustration. I know FL, I've read your threads, I feel for you bro, keep your head up! TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Author Aksion Posted November 2, 2009 Author Share Posted November 2, 2009 I don't really agree with that Tojaz. Keeping those images around really do nothing but cause more hurt. The memories alone are enough -- and will most likely remain very vivid for many years. Music that we "shared" so to speak strikes the brain hard at times, and I'd assume will last for quite some time as well. I don't think that I personally need mementos from our time together around, think that the mind and the hurt is enough to remind me of all things about our time together. On a side note, I have had probably my lowest day since the day she left. Spent around 6 hours this morning walking the streets and drinking heavily. I did stop at a bar to try and watch my cowboys play, yet ended up staring at the empty chair next to me most of the time there. Continued my drinking binge, left the bar and walked for a few more hours. I somehow ended up home and haven't been able to rid myself of thoughts of her at all. Been alone in the dark since, I don't know what to do or where to go from here. I'm concious enough in my head to understand that I'm losing it, and I know the things I'm doing aren't helping, yet I don't know anything else. I don't know how to fix myself. I know I want to, and I want to move on with my life -- but I can't seem to let myself. During my walk this morning I stopped and stared at a church I was passing. I almost went in, but something stopped me. I've never believed in religion, but I'm lost, completely. My head isn't right, and I can't deny that I haven't thought about just not being here anymore. I've really let her destroy the person I once was.. Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted November 2, 2009 Share Posted November 2, 2009 I don't really agree with that Tojaz. Keeping those images around really do nothing but cause more hurt. The memories alone are enough -- and will most likely remain very vivid for many years. Music that we "shared" so to speak strikes the brain hard at times, and I'd assume will last for quite some time as well. I don't think that I personally need mementos from our time together around, think that the mind and the hurt is enough to remind me of all things about our time together. Well, obviously everyone has to do whats best for themselves, and I'm only talking from my own opinion. I honestly came very close to burning it all but stopped myself, but thats me. I would suggest regardless, that you make that decision with a clear head rather then out of anger or hurt, put them away and out of sight until you can make a clear headed decision about it, because once theyre gone, theres no going back. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
JaneDoe35 Posted November 2, 2009 Share Posted November 2, 2009 I don't really agree with that Tojaz. Keeping those images around really do nothing but cause more hurt. The memories alone are enough -- and will most likely remain very vivid for many years. Music that we "shared" so to speak strikes the brain hard at times, and I'd assume will last for quite some time as well. I don't think that I personally need mementos from our time together around, think that the mind and the hurt is enough to remind me of all things about our time together. On a side note, I have had probably my lowest day since the day she left. Spent around 6 hours this morning walking the streets and drinking heavily. I did stop at a bar to try and watch my cowboys play, yet ended up staring at the empty chair next to me most of the time there. Continued my drinking binge, left the bar and walked for a few more hours. I somehow ended up home and haven't been able to rid myself of thoughts of her at all. Been alone in the dark since, I don't know what to do or where to go from here. I'm concious enough in my head to understand that I'm losing it, and I know the things I'm doing aren't helping, yet I don't know anything else. I don't know how to fix myself. I know I want to, and I want to move on with my life -- but I can't seem to let myself. During my walk this morning I stopped and stared at a church I was passing. I almost went in, but something stopped me. I've never believed in religion, but I'm lost, completely. My head isn't right, and I can't deny that I haven't thought about just not being here anymore. I've really let her destroy the person I once was.. Hey Aksion - I also had my lowest day on Friday. I probably would have tried to drink my sorrows away but I couldn't as I had to pick up my daughter from school!!! I guess in that sense I am lucky as she is relying on me to be her ever reliable, loving Mummy. I am not a very religious person but I am quite a spiritual person and I have found church to be a very peaceful place to be. Why not step inside next time? They are always very welcoming and while I do not take communion they are always happy to give me a blessing. Try it.....they do care. Also are you able to afford therapy? You are not going to be able to do this on your own. Please get help. I am getting help and I still feel so low but I know I would be much worse off without it. Please consider it. I have also thought about not being here anymore as I am sure most of us on this section of LoveShack have. But there is no way I am going to let what one person has done/is doing to me push me to end my life. NO WAY!!!!!! Please take a step in the right direction and get some help. Link to post Share on other sites
FeelingLonely98 Posted November 2, 2009 Share Posted November 2, 2009 I know FL, I've read your threads, I feel for you bro, keep your head up! TOJAZ I figured you remembered this tojaz - I Just posted that more so for all the world to see - I guess to make sure (however anonymous it may be!) everyone knew. Sometimes I feel like such an idiot for conducting myslef this way. Yesterday - for example - I told myself - "No more Mr. F*ck*ng nice guy!" I snapped out of it before I did something stupid. It was a great sports weekend for me and my boys. The Miami Hurricanes won and The Miami Dolphins beat the rival NY Jets! (Season sweep!) Link to post Share on other sites
PWSX3 Posted November 2, 2009 Share Posted November 2, 2009 I'm not saying you have to keep them up on the wall or around the house. Keep them in a box in the basement & then when you are feeling strong go down & pull them out, look at them and remember the good times & grieve what you had, not what could have been. Then you put them away until you need to grieve that part of your life again. Like Tojaz said; our spouses were a big part of our lives at one point & that will never go away so we just need to grieve what we had and that's it. Not what could have been or any of the what if's but just that time. Link to post Share on other sites
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