She got tired of me.

[elche]

Hello,

Me and my wife have been together since 1991. I'm 36 and she is 34. We got married in 2004 and now have a beautifull 3 year old girl. Our marriage has never been perfect. She is a lawyer and has been economicaly stable for a long time. I didn't finish college and have never been very stable economicaly. She always told me that she didnt feel good about my economical position and that being the head of the household was a very heavy load on her shoulders. From time to time we had discusions because all this stress was affecting our relationship. 3 years ago I tried to start a new bussiness but because of our coutry instabillity and my lack of experience I had to close it 6 months ago. Immediately I found a job thinking that I needed to get more experience and also needed a steady income. With my salary in this job, I can only help a little at home. Meanwhile, we still had arguments and I stopped helping around the house and with our daughter. She started to avoid intimacy, etc.. So every time I complained about our lack of intimacy, she told me that it was because of my lack of comitment in the relationship. So after the arguments, I started to change but only for short period of time.

 

About a month ago, she told me that she was fed up with my attitude towards life and wanted some time to think about stuff. She asked me if I could leave the house so she could have time for herself. I did not want to leave. I spent about 10 days trying to talk to her and explain that I'm willing to do anything to fix all the mistakes I've made. I thought about my attitude towards her and regret being like this. I love her too much. I really want to change. I know what I have to do to make her happy. And I'm 200% up to the challenge. I have told her all this. None of this worked so 4 days ago, I left the house. I miss her too much. And am very scared of what can happen. Help Me!!!! I don't know what to do.

[confused71]

Welcome to LS,

I am sorry for what you are going through and I have been in a similar situation.

Basically I moved from UK to canada with my ex when she found a new well paying job.It wasnt long before she started to resent me when the job I got basically didnt bring in as much money as her .To be honest I had to start at bottom again but it wasnt too bad.

But I looked after her kids when she was working and kept the house clean amongst lots of other stuff.

What I am trying to say is in this day and age it seems that sadly ,in relationships ,people are obssesed with 'who brings the money in' and not the other things that make up a stable family.

I wish you luck and you will get good advice here

[Island Girl]

If you know what you have to do to make her happy then set about doing it.

 

These changes sound like they'd be beneficial to your own life in the first place - but secondly the only thing that will sway her now is ACTIONS.

Stop trying to talk to her and DO.

 

You will still see her because of your child. Show her the changes you are making - many of then should be evident.

 

She is probably through with the endless discussions so don't try to start them.

And above all don't lose you backbone no matter what. Bread winner or not - making more money or not - you are still a MAN. Remind her of that when you can as well.

 

I'm sure more posters will have less general thoughts. But I hope what I have said helps you.

[anne1707]

With my salary in this job, I can only help a little at home. Meanwhile, we still had arguments and I stopped helping around the house and with our daughter. She started to avoid intimacy, etc.. So every time I complained about our lack of intimacy, she told me that it was because of my lack of comitment in the relationship. So after the arguments, I started to change but only for short period of time.

 

 

 

You say you can only help a little at home because of your salary??? That does not make sense. Do you mean the hours you work? If that is the case then I can understand that may make time limited but your wife is working as a lawyer so I am sure there are pressures on her time too. Yet you now leave her to work full-time, raise your child AND look after the house. No wonder she feels as if it is all on her and you are having arguments. Also why is it that when a man does housework it's described as "help" - like it's a favour to the wife and she should be grateful

 

 

Anyway now that I have had my rant. I suggest you get yourself a copy of "His needs, her needs" by Willard Harley and read it straight away. Plus get a copy for your wife so she can read it at the same time. It looks at 10 big needs in a relationship and how they tend to be either a male need or a female need. As a very quick example, if you were to do your share around the house and to be affectionate to your wife (without trying to have sex), then your wife would be more appreciative that there was a balance in doing all the practical stuff and would also be more happy to have sex. A very crude summary but if you read the book, it will make more sense. The advice also considers the time a husband and wife need to spend together just as a couple so away from household and children issues - to just enjoy spending time together.

 

You both need to work at making your marriage a success and that can only be done if you start communicating with each other about the problems you have and how you can tackle them. This book might provide a framework for doing so (and no, I'm not on commission ).

[trippi1432]

Welcome to LS,

I am sorry for what you are going through and I have been in a similar situation.

Basically I moved from UK to canada with my ex when she found a new well paying job.It wasnt long before she started to resent me when the job I got basically didnt bring in as much money as her .To be honest I had to start at bottom again but it wasnt too bad.

But I looked after her kids when she was working and kept the house clean amongst lots of other stuff.

What I am trying to say is in this day and age it seems that sadly ,in relationships ,people are obssesed with 'who brings the money in' and not the other things that make up a stable family.

I wish you luck and you will get good advice here

 

I have to weigh in on this one a little myself....my ex and I eventually got to this place as well where I was bringing in twice as much as him. I was also going to school to first, finish my BA and then my MBA. My H agreed to take on the household chores to help me out since I work some pretty long hours and had to the school thing (although I opted for online so I could be home), but it was very stressful. At any rate, he helped me out a lot, didn't always do the house the way I would have wanted it done, but I made it a point not to b*** about it, I knew how that felt having my mother do that to me as a child. He did what he could and I always felt grateful for it. Even bragged to my friends at work that I had a husband that loved me so much he helped out with housework.

 

In the end, this was one of the resentments that made him leave. He resented that he couldn't get ahead in his job unless he went back to school and he didn't want to, he resented that I made more money than him and he resented doing chores around the house, even though he volunteered. Now he has left, I do it all and it's just perfectly natural (but there is less to do with just 2 ppl). Two more classes and I'm done with college....shame his resentments ruined a 15 year relationship.