Fallen Angel Posted October 27, 2009 Share Posted October 27, 2009 they should be read together, not split my message Quote: I think your wife is a typical woman who love being treated like crap, and scorn weakness in a man. In a word, she doesn't have the ability to love and doesn't have moral code, and WHY do you want to get her back? your changing attitude isn't going to change her, maybe you can switch slave-master roles, but that is a sick thing too, please save headaches and I agree with other posters, you need to pick your dignity back, and not allow anybody trample it on. If you cannot respect yourself, you cannot love others as well. Your happiness and dignity isn't in your wife's hand, but in yours. So, are you saying that a "typical woman loves to be treated like crap"?? I mean I want to make sure I am understanding what you are saying.... cause frankly your post confuses me as to what your idea of a "typical woman" is. Because I am NOTHING like this woman!!! Link to post Share on other sites
boldjack Posted October 27, 2009 Share Posted October 27, 2009 Op, Dude, do you have any self-respect at all? This woman is your WIFE, for Christ'sake, and you let her spit in your face, and f**k another guy? I simply can't imagine a situation like this. I have never been cheated on, because if she did, she would be history. Kick this c*nt to the curb. MAN-UP, or women will always be treating you like a dog. Link to post Share on other sites
Author WinterPain Posted October 27, 2009 Author Share Posted October 27, 2009 My family knew that my wife and I were having marital troubles, and that we were temporarily separated, but I never let on about the OM nor the situation I let myself get sucked into. I finally called by older brother last night and I spilled my guts explaining everything I told you guys (and more). We spent over 2 hours on the phone about my situation and also how to protect my assets. My brother is both a CPA and a successful tax attorney. After we got off the phone, he called me back a half hour later and said that he's coming over to stay with me for a week to help me out. I made some very decent money during the dotcom boom of the 90's and took a chunk of that money to buy a house back in 2000. I sold it in 2006, not too long before the big crash. The idea was to upgrade to something else. In the meantime, we're renting a nice place. The rental is going on longer than we anticipated simply because prices are going down every year, so I was waiting for the bottom before buying again. My lease is up for renewal at the end of the year, so my brother told me not to break the lease but to send a certfied letter to the landlord notifying him of my intent to move. In the meantime, he told me to file for legal separation. I'll spare you the details, but he seems to think that he can protect the majority of my assets from her in case of divorce. It was a monumental relief to speak to him. I don't know why I didn't do it sooner. Just knowing he'll be here this weekend is already giving me much needed psychological relief. There are a few things I need to get that belong to me that I want to keep, so I'll go there when she's at work since I have the keys. To answer some of your questions: the OM is not married as far as I know. All I know is that he works at her company as an outside consultant from out of town. Link to post Share on other sites
Malenfant Posted October 27, 2009 Share Posted October 27, 2009 (edited) Quote: I think your wife is a typical woman who love being treated like crap, and scorn weakness in a man. In a word, she doesn't have the ability to love and doesn't have moral code, and WHY do you want to get her back? your changing attitude isn't going to change her, maybe you can switch slave-master roles, but that is a sick thing too, please save headaches and I agree with other posters, you need to pick your dignity back, and not allow anybody trample it on. If you cannot respect yourself, you cannot love others as well. Your happiness and dignity isn't in your wife's hand, but in yours. So, are you saying that a "typical woman loves to be treated like crap"?? I mean I want to make sure I am understanding what you are saying.... cause frankly your post confuses me as to what your idea of a "typical woman" is. Because I am NOTHING like this woman!!! i think what he/she is trying to say is that there is a type of woman (and men in fact) that almost seems to actively seek out people who treat them badly. We all know people who 'seem' to like being treated badly. and when they have someone who is nice, they dont know how to behave towards them cos they are so used to being treated badly. that is the 'typical' he is reffering to, as in typical of this type of woman, not typical of all women. i think Edited October 27, 2009 by Malenfant Link to post Share on other sites
betamanlet Posted October 27, 2009 Share Posted October 27, 2009 First, you need to see a shrink about why you want to be with someone who treats you so horribly. Second, after you do that, you will realize what utter trash this woman is, and you'll realize it's crazy of you for actually wanting such trash back in your life. Third, do not even consider dating until you have the ability to have multiple women interested in you, if you don't have options, you shouldn't be dating, as, you'll come off as desperate, and women who take advantage of you, and treat you horribly, will be the only kind of women you'll get. Be happy be single, be happy being alone, and only then should you even think about dating. Link to post Share on other sites
Fallen Angel Posted October 27, 2009 Share Posted October 27, 2009 i think what he/she is trying to say is that there is a type of woman (and men in fact) that almost seems to actively seek out people who treat them badly. We all know people who 'seem' to like being treated badly. and when they have someone who is nice, they dont know how to behave towards them cos they are so used to being treated badly. that is the 'typical' he is reffering to, as in typical of this type of woman, not typical of all women. i think lol.. okay I will accept your explaination and let my blood cool... Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
Author WinterPain Posted October 28, 2009 Author Share Posted October 28, 2009 She called my cell yesterday morning twice and she left no message. I didn't answer nor did I call her, but that took almost all my willpower. She called again last night and left me a message to call her, but I haven't yet. I'm conflicted as to whether I should tell her I'm no longer wanting to speak to her or if I should just make myself scarce without explaining that this is what I intend. The book I got suggests the former, but it seems counter-intuitive since it puts the ball in my court to call her at some point. I'm having alot of trouble sleeping since I imagine them making love all night. I tend to wake up 4 to 5 times a night. I'm looking to get some over the counter sleep aids since I don't want to alert my insurance company with prescription sleep meds. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted October 28, 2009 Share Posted October 28, 2009 Please read the 'caliguy no contact guide' in my signature. It's absolutely spot-on and worth its weight in gold. I think it should be given accredited diploma status and published, frankly..... Good advice from 2long, but I'd wait until your position is far more secure before exposing them at work..... Eat lettuce and cheese sandwiches on malt bread and use a warm milky drink too, before going to bed. lettuce, malt and cheese have soporific qualities to induce rest... Your best aid to sleep though, should be the satisfaction that finally, you are growing a pair, taking control of your life, and getting her wondering what the hell has happened to you.... Please PLEASE - keep up with the NC. And do whatever your bro tells you to do. A strong guiding hand is what you need right now, so if he's offering that - take it. Stand on your own two feet, at last, and grip life, and live it. Good luck, bud! Link to post Share on other sites
Author WinterPain Posted October 28, 2009 Author Share Posted October 28, 2009 Please read the 'caliguy no contact guide' in my signature. It's absolutely spot-on and worth its weight in gold. I think it should be given accredited diploma status and published, frankly..... Good advice from 2long, but I'd wait until your position is far more secure before exposing them at work..... Eat lettuce and cheese sandwiches on malt bread and use a warm milky drink too, before going to bed. lettuce, malt and cheese have soporific qualities to induce rest... Your best aid to sleep though, should be the satisfaction that finally, you are growing a pair, taking control of your life, and getting her wondering what the hell has happened to you.... Please PLEASE - keep up with the NC. And do whatever your bro tells you to do. A strong guiding hand is what you need right now, so if he's offering that - take it. Stand on your own two feet, at last, and grip life, and live it. Good luck, bud! Thanks. I just read it. Good stuff Link to post Share on other sites
Author WinterPain Posted October 30, 2009 Author Share Posted October 30, 2009 I've been keeping NC and yesterday, while she was at work I went there to get some of my personal belongings I want to keep. I couldn't help while I was there to snoop in the bedroom to see if there was any of "his" stuff there. I didn't see anything until I went to the bedroom closet and saw a few men's dress shirts and slacks. I felt sick to my stomach when I saw that. That night, she called a few times without leaving messages. Oddly enough, she came by my place unannounced. She said she was just checking to see "what the hell is going on". I told her I didn't want to see her any more for the time being. She seemed unaffected by my announcement. She was like "Ok, sure. Whatever you want". But she looked so damn good, I just ached. This is misery. Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted October 30, 2009 Share Posted October 30, 2009 You moved out. Will not do a full exposure. Nothing to do until wait for the OM to knock WW up. Link to post Share on other sites
Guitarjeff Posted October 30, 2009 Share Posted October 30, 2009 Keep it up. You can be assured she is bothered by it, no one likes to be dumped, and now you have turned the tables, you are dumping her. She's only acting like you should have been acting, not giving a hoot what she does or where she is. Way to go. No contact at all, especially after your declaration. Now move on with your life, don't sit at home a be miserable, go places and do things, visit friends, she'll think to herself, "he doesn't need me anymore, and is even having fun, maybe even seeing someone else". Let her wonder about you now, the tables have turned. No matter what she says, no one likes to be told they aren't needed anymore. Get the rest of your stuff and file for divorce and have her served. Be nice if you do run in to her, you don't want her to think you are doing all this out of anger, as a ploy to get her back. You are actually nice because you really don't need her and you want to move on, so there's no need in being anything but nice when you have to talk to her. Act like you hope she can understand that you need to get it over with and move on. If you do get divorced, then you are already on the path and the pain will be less, but it's also the best way to shock her in to reality that she's losing you, so this is your best option for both paths, do you understand? It's the best way to move on and it's the best way to get her back if that is meant to be. There is no other proper choice, anything else will have you begging her and there's nothing more ugly to someone in an affair than for their spouse to appear weak and pathetic. That will drive her off for good faster than anything you can do. Link to post Share on other sites
Author WinterPain Posted October 30, 2009 Author Share Posted October 30, 2009 Keep it up. You can be assured she is bothered by it, no one likes to be dumped, and now you have turned the tables, you are dumping her. She's only acting like you should have been acting, not giving a hoot what she does or where she is. Way to go. No contact at all, especially after your declaration. Now move on with your life, don't sit at home a be miserable, go places and do things, visit friends, she'll think to herself, "he doesn't need me anymore, and is even having fun, maybe even seeing someone else". Let her wonder about you now, the tables have turned. No matter what she says, no one likes to be told they aren't needed anymore. Get the rest of your stuff and file for divorce and have her served. Be nice if you do run in to her, you don't want her to think you are doing all this out of anger, as a ploy to get her back. You are actually nice because you really don't need her and you want to move on, so there's no need in being anything but nice when you have to talk to her. Act like you hope she can understand that you need to get it over with and move on. If you do get divorced, then you are already on the path and the pain will be less, but it's also the best way to shock her in to reality that she's losing you, so this is your best option for both paths, do you understand? It's the best way to move on and it's the best way to get her back if that is meant to be. There is no other proper choice, anything else will have you begging her and there's nothing more ugly to someone in an affair than for their spouse to appear weak and pathetic. That will drive her off for good faster than anything you can do. Thank you, Guitarjeff. This gives me the strength I need to get on with this. Thankfully my brother is coming tomorrow so we can get to details. Not being a divorce lawyer himself, he'll still be valuable in getting my finances out of her hands. Mostly, it'll be good to have the moral support. Link to post Share on other sites
DiDi123 Posted October 31, 2009 Share Posted October 31, 2009 Winter Pain- I am glad you posted and am glad you are doing somewhat better. Heed all advice above and make sure you call every credit card company and cancecl the card or take your name off it. NC NC NC NC NC NC NC with this vile woman! May I inquire as to what state you are in? or at least which part of the country? Try to breathe really deep once an hour- huge breath in and exhale super slow with your eyes closed sitting in a very relaxed position- I know sounds stupid but it helps me sometimes. Also drive 1/2 hour in any direction and find a lake, ocean or hiking trail and bring a towel, bottle of water and IPOD if you want. Lay there looking at the sky, breathing the clean air and keep telling yourself how wonderful and special you are...over and over....... Link to post Share on other sites
seibert253 Posted October 31, 2009 Share Posted October 31, 2009 What the hell, go ahead file and have her served. That'll be a smack of reality she won't expect. Link to post Share on other sites
Author WinterPain Posted October 31, 2009 Author Share Posted October 31, 2009 Make sure you and your brother DO separate your finances from your WW's. Opening a new account in only your name will be easy. You should do that immediately. Make sure you file for legal separation as soon as possible, though. That way she can't make you pay bills that aren't your responsibility. Do you need 2 send the landlord a notice telling them you're not renewing your lease? Or does your lawyer advise that you just leave your WW stuck with handling the renewal? -ol' 2long The lease is in my name, so that won't be a problem. The separation is going to happen, but from further conversations with my brother and a divorce attorney of his, they advice playing very hardball. The plan is essentially to completely cut her off and give her access to nothing. In some cases she might win a judgement in her favor to get access to some of the funds, but their advice is to make her have to go through the expense and the hassle of an attorney to do so. The idea is to wear her down as much as possible and make every step as difficult and time consuming as we can. This way, she'll settle for far less. To answer some one else's question, I'm in the South East. Florida to be exact. This is a no-fault divorce state so the adultery is a non-issue. Link to post Share on other sites
Author WinterPain Posted October 31, 2009 Author Share Posted October 31, 2009 On an interesting note: she called tonight and left a message saying "I just got my nails done! Come by if you want to see .." Unbelievable. She really takes me for a patsy. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted October 31, 2009 Share Posted October 31, 2009 Classic. She's trying to reel you back in because she doesn't believe you have the guts or balls to do this, and to follow through. All you need to do now, is just sit back and watch her antics. She'll resort to the most stupid things to try to get your attention. Well, you'll have hers, soon enough. Reply with nothing, say nothing.... give her no indication that you even know she exists. And I agree. Make her absolutely do all the hard work and make the financial commitment for her to gain anything. File for immediate divorce on the grounds of adultery. You have to have a reason, after all. I did this with my ex-. But the other party isn't named, otherwise it opens up a whole can of litigation worms..... Serve papers - and wait....... keep at it, keep posting and keep strong. Every minute makes you more powerful. She's not going to know who you are any more. My guess is that once she sees how strong you are, she's going to try to get you back.... Fer Chrissakes, never, ever fall for it. Link to post Share on other sites
mem11363 Posted October 31, 2009 Share Posted October 31, 2009 It will ONLY be so she can financially rape you. She has zero respect for you. And once that happens there is no going back. So you are protecting your money - very, very smart. And then just stay away from her. She will end up bitter and alone, this bad behavior ends up karmically hammering people over time. If she was a decent human, she would have simply divorced you and moved on. What she did is cruel and inhuman. Classic. She's trying to reel you back in because she doesn't believe you have the guts or balls to do this, and to follow through. All you need to do now, is just sit back and watch her antics. She'll resort to the most stupid things to try to get your attention. Well, you'll have hers, soon enough. Reply with nothing, say nothing.... give her no indication that you even know she exists. And I agree. Make her absolutely do all the hard work and make the financial commitment for her to gain anything. File for immediate divorce on the grounds of adultery. You have to have a reason, after all. I did this with my ex-. But the other party isn't named, otherwise it opens up a whole can of litigation worms..... Serve papers - and wait....... keep at it, keep posting and keep strong. Every minute makes you more powerful. She's not going to know who you are any more. My guess is that once she sees how strong you are, she's going to try to get you back.... Fer Chrissakes, never, ever fall for it. Link to post Share on other sites
KikiW Posted October 31, 2009 Share Posted October 31, 2009 Agreeing with everyone - stay on the path you are on now, it is healthier for you and rids yourself of this horrible woman. It is ok to miss what you had, but remember she is no longer that person. She has turned into a very ugly creature. Run away from her and you will do yourself the biggest favor of your life. Link to post Share on other sites
Author WinterPain Posted November 2, 2009 Author Share Posted November 2, 2009 Thank you all so much for your replies. Every one of them is very helpful, believe me. My brother has been here with me since Friday, and we went out, had a few good meals, got a little drunk, and flirted with some women. I had a fantastic time which got my mind off temporarily from the issues at hand. He was shocked at how much weight I had lost, but was mostly disappointed at my new low in confidence which he aid turned me into a simpering wimp. That made made me realize how low I've reached. I really need to pull myself together mentally and physically. Yesterday we started on the financials. Looks like she's going to be in for a rude shock. He definitely is out for blood. Oddly enough, and I know it's misplaced, but I feel bad for her. She doesn't realize how tough it's going to be for her soon. She called and left me two messages. I haven't answered of course. I just can't believe it's come down to this. Only a few months ago, we were a couple. We cared about each other, we loved each other. How could she turn on me like this. I can't get my mind around it. I half expect she's just going through a phase of temporary insanity and that she'll pull out of this soon enough. Link to post Share on other sites
Onwards Posted November 2, 2009 Share Posted November 2, 2009 WinterPain, I don't have much to add in terms of advice (you've received loads of great stuff already) but just want to say that although you probably aren't feeling it, you're doing brilliantly. Keep focussed on moving forward and getting out of this - your wife will throw all sorts of stuff at you to divert your attention, but don't let these attempts distract you. Feel weak, mourn and do what you have to do to get through this (in private). Never give your ex even a sniff that you are hurting however....she's in the process of getting a massive wake-up call. The less affected by her behaviour you are, the bigger the shock for her. Stay strong mate, you've got a lot of people pulling for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Chrome Barracuda Posted November 2, 2009 Share Posted November 2, 2009 You need to follow through, stay NC, and remember it's gonna get worse before it gets better. She's gonna get violent, the more you ignore her and build yourself up, she'll become more enraged she cant control you. Especially if she's the cheater, she wants you as the backup plan. You are no woman's back up plan. No man's sloppy seconds. You go to the house and find another man's clothes, and she has the audacity to ask if you want to see her nails done?!!! WTF your about to get divorced! and your placing your priority in your nails? Dude, leave her alone qand keep ignoring her. she isnt worth it. Her nails take priority over her marriage. yep... Right. Link to post Share on other sites
Author WinterPain Posted November 2, 2009 Author Share Posted November 2, 2009 You need to follow through, stay NC, and remember it's gonna get worse before it gets better. She's gonna get violent, the more you ignore her and build yourself up, she'll become more enraged she cant control you. Especially if she's the cheater, she wants you as the backup plan. You are no woman's back up plan. No man's sloppy seconds. You go to the house and find another man's clothes, and she has the audacity to ask if you want to see her nails done?!!! WTF your about to get divorced! and your placing your priority in your nails? Dude, leave her alone qand keep ignoring her. she isnt worth it. Her nails take priority over her marriage. yep... Right. I know that the nails was code for her getting me off sexually again. I suspect she thinks she can control me that way better. Financially, she made the mistake of selling her house that she got from her mother and pooling the money with mine. That money is going to be emptied from the accounts very soon (save for a paltry amount left over). Although there is some of my money in there as well, I did manage to keep all my inherited assets and my dotcom money separate. It wasn't intentional, but it was fortunate that it wound up that way (whew). She won't be able to get access to those funds. The plan right now is to buy a crappy cheap condo and a cheap pontiac and let her "get" the house and the car. That's likely all she's going to wind up with. We don't have kids and she has a job that pays living wages so there is a good chance I won't be dealing with any alimony. The finality of it kills me though. I'm still desperately in love with her and I can't bear the idea of no longer being with her. Link to post Share on other sites
Scrivdog Posted November 2, 2009 Share Posted November 2, 2009 Don't worry about her. I'm sure the OM will be more than glad to lend her a few thousand dollars whenever she needs it. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts