Shyness destroyed my marriage

[shanemckay]

Hello, I have been painfully shy all of my life. My earliest memory of that fact was when I was no more than eight years old. My mother threw me out of the house every morning one summer and told me not to come back until tea time. I walked around the streets every day for hour after hour by myself.

 

As a child, I dreaded those annual summer street outings when all the local children were carted away to the seaside for the day. On the coach journey up and down everybody else would be laughing and singing while I sat bolt upright, shaking, looking straight out the window. Each Christmas, a party was thrown in the local church hall again for all the kids. The only year I went, the girl next door had to take me home half an hour after I had arrived because I was so upset.

 

I found my salvation at the age of nine: football. I absolutely loved it. It started off when my father used to kick a ball around down at my local pitch. Soon, I joined a local team and managed my own street team. We used play eight aside matches on my Primary School's muddy pitch. I had found something in which I could be myself.

 

In Secondary school I was accepted because I was good at football and most other sports. Gradually I found my confidence. I left secondary school a good all round sportsman and academic. I was the only boy from my year at school who went on to university.

 

It was at university that I came into direct contact with girls for the first time. Going to an all boys Secondary school, the only contact I had with girls was when one of my classmates mooned at them out of the school minibus window on the way back from a game.

 

At university I was painfully shy around girls. After a few not too serious girlfriends, I found a lovely girl and we were a couple for six years, married for two of those, with two lovely step daughters. I settled down and grew out of a lot of my shyness. I became a lot more content.

 

A year after we met, I was diagnosed with Huntington's Disease. Huntington's is a genetic brain disorder similar to Motor Neurons and Parkinson's. There is no cure. It is hereditary. If either parent has it there is a 50% chance that each son or daughter will have it too. So when my eldest brother was diagnosed shortly before me I knew there was a 50% chance that I had it.

 

When my test results came back positive, I put it completely out of my head and went on with my life for a few years. I was twenty-three when I had the test and had just qualified as I journalist. I I took temporary jobs for a few years to support my family as my wife went through university.

 

My intense shyness and social anxiety of my childhood gradually returned over the next few years. I gradually pulled myself away from my friends and I stopped playing football. My problems were at their worst around the time that my wife graduated from university and instantly found a job with her degree.

 

It shattered my confidence and self esteem. Whenever anybody called at our home I would hide upstairs in our bedroom or pretend to be ill. My anxiety was so strong at times that even simple tasks such as walking out of my front door or standing in a post office queue were overwhelming painful..

 

For almost two years my wife tried to go on leading her life, going out with her friends - friends that had once been ours . When the inevitable finally happened and the marriage ended after just two years I came back to my family home a complete wreck.

 

Coming back to live in my old family home after six years away was devastating. Soon after, I found out that my wife had moved in her new boyfriend. I took an overdose. Thankfully I was found and taken into hospital. I ended up in a psychiatric ward for eight days. When I came out, I was put on medication - which I am still on today.

 

One of the first things I did when I came home was to set up my own shyness and social anxiety website called 'SHY United.' The site offers advice and support to people who suffer from shyness and social anxiety in a positive and safe environment. The site has been a tremendous success. After only nine months it has had 23,000 visitors. The site has forums, chat room, weblogs, poetry, essays, and a lot more. The site has had visitors from virtually every age group.

 

My one piece of advice to anybody suffering from social anxiety id to go and see their GP immediately. Todays sophisticated therapies and medication can take the wind out of its sales.

 

Shane's website address is:

 

 

SHY United

[SoleMate]

Shane, I am overwhelmed by your strength and determination to cope with three of the most difficult problems that a person can be faced by - extreme social anxiety and Huntington's,and the loss of your wife. You're surviving and you are helping others. I am truly touched and inspired by your courage.

 

I checked out your web site quickly and it looks really cool, especially the shyness tips. Thanks for giving us this help.

[InmanRosi]

Shane, thank you so much for your story.

 

I just recently came onto this site because I know I have a huge problem with my shyness, and I was just looking to see if there was anyone else like me. Its so refreshing to see I'm not alone.

 

My story is so similar to yours. I, too, can remember having a crippling childhood because of my shyness. One of my worst memories as a child was my first day at school, because I had to ride the bus home. I just sat rigid and quietly as the bus drove right by my house because I was too shy to tell the busdriver it was my stop. My father, who has since passed away, would always tell the story of how he stepped out of the house and saw the bus driving away with my face pressed up against the window, non-verbally pleading for him by the expression on my face to come and save me.

 

I also thought I had conquered my shyness as a teenager, because I myself was a very good athlete. I was the captain of my American-style football team, and the the best player on my baseball team. I was also first in my academic class. People wanted to be my friend, and girls wanted to date me for this alone. I had my first girlfriend, but she could tell that there was something wrong with me ... like the way I would uncontrollably shake and sweat when I was holding her. Still, I thought the insecurities of my childhood were behind me. Now, I realize they were always there. People just reached out to me because of who I was, but I never had to reach out to anyone. It was too easy. I went off to college and fell in love for the first time, and I later had my heartbroken by the same girl. After that, all my old demons came back to haunt me. I started shutting myself away from others. For a long time, I was still able to aquire friends and make friendships because I'm just so generally nice and polite around people that they feel comfortable around me. Still, they have to reach out to me, I never reach out to them. For the last 8 years, its grown worse and worse. I'm to the point now where I have almost no friends left, because I won't answer the phone or try to contact someone. Everyone has to reach out to me, and many of them have lost patience. Many of my old friends from college resent me, because one day I just packed up and left without telling anyone good-bye or even that I was leaving.

 

I've just realized that this is crippling me. I can't go on and pretend that things are eventually going to get better. The smallest things seem so insurmountable to me. Just this last month, a lady struck my automobile in a fender bender. Her insurance company is offering to cover the cost of my vehicle repairs, as it was her fault, but I haven't contacted them because just the thought of being grilled in questioning about the accident just paralyzes me with fear. So here I sit with a huge dent in the side of my car because I can't even handle some simple questioning about an event in which I'm just an innocent bystander. Its so trivial and silly that its not even worth the time to type out onto an internet messageboard, but its so symbolic of my state of life right now.

 

Thanks to your site and SoulMate for giving me some direction, and most importantly some sense of hope that this can get better.