There was no relationship?

[seriouslyconfused]

I've never posted in a forum like this before, but this whole situation is eating me up. I'll try to sum up the situation relatively briefly. I had crush on girl from HS (long time ago) still apparently hanging on to that. I contacted girl via facebook. We end up going out for a couple coffees etc and to a movie after a bit. Conversation good and she and I always parted ways with smiles. She texts me that she just wants to be friends, etc. I was a bit distraught about that but not opposed to it. I agreed to the friends thing and we ended up essentially spending most of the summer together. A lot of time spent together, mostly very fun and got a little physical, which she initially initiated. I find out she has been in several bad relationships in the last year, so I guess that makes sense as to why she just wants to be friends. So, basically what has happened was a crush of mine from a long time is turning into a relationship. As things started to get a tad more serious, her life starts to fall apart, lost place to live doesn't feel comfortable with people she currently living with, can't find good work enough to pay her bills etc. While we were at dinner one day she says she probably not going to spend another winter here. This should have been my queue to detach emotionally, but that's not an easy thing to do. Basically she ends up moving in with her dad as he "make things sound really enticing" like he'd have a job waiting for her and stuff like that. I, her therapist and pretty much everyone around her told her this was a bad idea as her father can be abusive, and things have gone bad in the past. So, basically she ignores the people around her and moves down there. Less than a week later her AND her father get kicked out of the house because he apparently pushed his wife. So, now she is homeless essentially and without a job. Needless to say I'm a wreck. Her father put her up in an apt temporarily, but after 3 months she on her own. Basically, things did not work out like she had thought and she was regretting moving down there. She decided to stay the winter and picked up a job (underpayed and overworked). As if that isn't dramatic enough, here's where it get's even more messed up. Before she left there was a lot of tension and I needed to know where we stood as a couple/friend whatever. I basically came out and said that I wanted to be in a committed relationship with her (I now see how this is a tad crazy, but my emotions got the best of me) I then asked her what she wanted. She said the same...which I did not expect...there was a comfortable silence and all tension disappeared. This relationship talk happened before the drama with her dad happened. I continued doing the stuff in my life that is important to me school, got a job as well. The communication since she got down there has been horse**** on her end, we made a commitment to keep the communication lines open etc. but it wasn't working. I'd text her no reply til next day, and would be defensive as to what she was doing. The more I write here the more I realize how she basically was manipulating me, so anyways I was sick of the lack of communication and told her that I wanted it to work out but there seems to be no communication in the relationship. She then has the gall to say there never was a relationship, I'm like WTF? Wow, ok yer messed up. At this point I cut my losses and said it'd be best that we didn't talk for a while. I left it open ended. Basically she got all defensive and stuff, yadada, I'm like "STOP, I have to go" Now for whatever reason, I feel empathy for this woman. Things have not been working out for her and I know she has feelings for me, enough to consider a long distance relationship, but then again denying there ever was one. I do care deeply for this woman, adn realize she has A LOT on her plate right now and a relationship is probably not a good idea for her. I'm ok with that, really as I like having her as a friend. Currently we have not talked in over 2 weeks and a close friend of mine says to give it at least a month to talk to her. Mainly so she can get back on her feet again and feel better about herself to where she can even consider having me in her life. I cut off the communication due to it bringing me down and well so far she hasn't tried to contact me. I guess I'm wondering what you people think I should do. I'm not going to initiate contact, as I am still burnt about the whole IS a relationship is NOT a relationship BS. As far as I'm concerned she would need to call me or write me and explicitly apologize for stringing me along being so wishy washy with the commitment thing. Things basically progressed very fast for us, and we apparently are at some sort of power struggle in the "relatia/friendship" whatever she wants to call it. So, I guess my question would be how long should I wait and on what terms should I talk to her? I now realize I may have been pushing the relationship a bit much. Also, if she calls me or writes me stating that she totally ****ed up, has made changes and is now ready and wants me back in her life, would I be a fool to let her back in after she already trampled on my heart? Lemme know whenever you all have a chance, I still got a couple weeks of not talking to her for sure, so would be nice to have things all figured out in that time.

 

Thanks!

[WTRanger]

Non post-related advice: Use paragraphs! Most of us want to help but hate to read poorly formatted seas of text. Therefore as soon as we see something like this, we move to the more easier to read post.

 

I've never posted in a forum like this before, but this whole situation is eating me up. I'll try to sum up the situation relatively briefly. I had crush on girl from HS (long time ago) still apparently hanging on to that. I contacted girl via facebook. We end up going out for a couple coffees etc and to a movie after a bit. Conversation good and she and I always parted ways with smiles. She texts me that she just wants to be friends, etc. I was a bit distraught about that but not opposed to it. I agreed to the friends thing and we ended up essentially spending most of the summer together.

 

A lot of time spent together, mostly very fun and got a little physical, which she initially initiated. I find out she has been in several bad relationships in the last year, so I guess that makes sense as to why she just wants to be friends. So, basically what has happened was a crush of mine from a long time is turning into a relationship. As things started to get a tad more serious, her life starts to fall apart, lost place to live doesn't feel comfortable with people she currently living with, can't find good work enough to pay her bills etc. While we were at dinner one day she says she probably not going to spend another winter here. This should have been my queue to detach emotionally, but that's not an easy thing to do.

 

Basically she ends up moving in with her dad as he "make things sound really enticing" like he'd have a job waiting for her and stuff like that. I, her therapist and pretty much everyone around her told her this was a bad idea as her father can be abusive, and things have gone bad in the past. So, basically she ignores the people around her and moves down there. Less than a week later her AND her father get kicked out of the house because he apparently pushed his wife. So, now she is homeless essentially and without a job. Needless to say I'm a wreck. Her father put her up in an apt temporarily, but after 3 months she on her own.

 

Basically, things did not work out like she had thought and she was regretting moving down there. She decided to stay the winter and picked up a job (underpayed and overworked). As if that isn't dramatic enough, here's where it get's even more messed up. Before she left there was a lot of tension and I needed to know where we stood as a couple/friend whatever. I basically came out and said that I wanted to be in a committed relationship with her (I now see how this is a tad crazy, but my emotions got the best of me) I then asked her what she wanted. She said the same...which I did not expect...there was a comfortable silence and all tension disappeared. This relationship talk happened before the drama with her dad happened. I continued doing the stuff in my life that is important to me school, got a job as well.

 

The communication since she got down there has been horse**** on her end, we made a commitment to keep the communication lines open etc. but it wasn't working. I'd text her no reply til next day, and would be defensive as to what she was doing. The more I write here the more I realize how she basically was manipulating me, so anyways I was sick of the lack of communication and told her that I wanted it to work out but there seems to be no communication in the relationship. She then has the gall to say there never was a relationship, I'm like WTF? Wow, ok yer messed up.

 

At this point I cut my losses and said it'd be best that we didn't talk for a while. I left it open ended. Basically she got all defensive and stuff, yadada, I'm like "STOP, I have to go" Now for whatever reason, I feel empathy for this woman. Things have not been working out for her and I know she has feelings for me, enough to consider a long distance relationship, but then again denying there ever was one. I do care deeply for this woman, adn realize she has A LOT on her plate right now and a relationship is probably not a good idea for her. I'm ok with that, really as I like having her as a friend.

 

Currently we have not talked in over 2 weeks and a close friend of mine says to give it at least a month to talk to her. Mainly so she can get back on her feet again and feel better about herself to where she can even consider having me in her life. I cut off the communication due to it bringing me down and well so far she hasn't tried to contact me. I guess I'm wondering what you people think I should do. I'm not going to initiate contact, as I am still burnt about the whole IS a relationship is NOT a relationship BS. As far as I'm concerned she would need to call me or write me and explicitly apologize for stringing me along being so wishy washy with the commitment thing.

 

Things basically progressed very fast for us, and we apparently are at some sort of power struggle in the "relatia/friendship" whatever she wants to call it. So, I guess my question would be how long should I wait and on what terms should I talk to her? I now realize I may have been pushing the relationship a bit much. Also, if she calls me or writes me stating that she totally ****ed up, has made changes and is now ready and wants me back in her life, would I be a fool to let her back in after she already trampled on my heart? Lemme know whenever you all have a chance, I still got a couple weeks of not talking to her for sure, so would be nice to have things all figured out in that time.

 

Thanks!

 

You don't like being friends with her. Being friends with her makes you feel like crap! Read your post! Your feelings for her make it this way, and that's not a bad thing to have feelings for someone. But after reading your post, this girl has way too much baggage to even be in a normal relationship. I wouldn't wait around for her to contact you, as I doubt she will. If she does, then it will be solely to use you as an emotional tampon.

 

Unless you can really judge her intent on why she contacted you, then I would suspect she's just doing it for attention only. Use the time off from her for YOU. At the end of the time, if she hasn't contacted you, then consider it totally over. DO NOT chase after her. You'll end up looking like a lost puppy dog. You've said exactly what you want to say to her. She knows where you stand. There is nothing more for you to do than to move forward with your life. If she doesn't want to come along, then you must let her go.

[seriouslyconfused]

Thanks for being frank That's essentially what I was thinking I should do, just needed some confirmation. I love the use of emotional tampon, hit me where I needed it, thanks again.