AGirlsView Posted December 5, 2003 Share Posted December 5, 2003 So I’ve known this guy for well over a year now and I think he is super cool and I love his personality. Since the day we met we’ve clicked unbelievable, we talk on the phone for hours like everyday and I love his voice and the way he thinks. This may sound crazy but there have been times where I’ve felt like I even love him in some weird way. When I met him I was off & on w/ my X and he was always there for me. He helped, counseled and consoled me though break-ups and reconciliation’s. All the while he made it clear to me that he liked me as more than just a friend but was willing to settle for a friendship if it was all he can have with me. He was always there for me even though he hated my X and new he was bad for me, still he backed me in all I did. Well now it’s been over 6 months since my X and I have been officially over for good and I’m beginning to wonder if I should give this guy a chance. Thing is that I’m not physically attracted to him. Other than the physical attraction I’m attracted to him in every other way. Mentally & emotionally I love this guy but I just can’t get past the physical and it’s not like he is ugly, it’s just that he is not my type. My friends keep telling me I’m dumb and I should go for it, they think he is attractive on top of being a great guy. I feel so shallow for not being able to look past the physical but then I think that I deserve someone that I will be attracted to in all aspects. Why can't I have it all? I fear that I’d get w/ him and then constantly be looking at the next guy cause I’m not attracted to the one I’m with. I don’t want to ruin the friendship, I’ve never clicked like this with any other guy. Link to post Share on other sites
DonTomaso Posted December 5, 2003 Share Posted December 5, 2003 If there is absolutley no physical attraction then I don't think you should go for him. I think there has to be some physical chemistry for both people to make it work. Your wandering eye won't just go away if you start dating him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AGirlsView Posted December 5, 2003 Author Share Posted December 5, 2003 I've never had a wondering eye, I've never cheated on a guy or anything of the sort before and I would never do that but I'd hate to dump him after giving the long awaited chance he's wanted. We have kissed b4 and it was nice, we flirt all the time and I'm ok with that. So let me ask this, can you grow more physically attracted to someone in time? Link to post Share on other sites
DonTomaso Posted December 5, 2003 Share Posted December 5, 2003 Originally posted by AGirlsView I fear that I’d get w/ him and then constantly be looking at the next guy cause I’m not attracted to the one I’m with This sounds like a wandering eye to me... I don't mean to be cynical, but my opinion is that you should get into relationships that begin with the notion: "I am going to make this person as happy as possible no matter what unless they betray me." Of course physical attraction can grow too... if you do decide to go forward with the relationship, just be cautious with his emotions because he might be very attracted to you... Link to post Share on other sites
Author AGirlsView Posted December 5, 2003 Author Share Posted December 5, 2003 Thanks for your response. He is very attracted to me in all ways. About the wondering eye, again I said I wouldn't want to be that way b/c I've never been like that. I just don't know what to do, I get mad when I see him w/ other girls and I know it's wrong.....it's like "I want my cake and eat too". I just don't want to hurt him or our freindship but I do want to try, I know he'd make me happy I'd just have to take the physical part REAL slow I guess. Link to post Share on other sites
shakespearefan Posted December 5, 2003 Share Posted December 5, 2003 I say go for it. You obviously care about this person. That's really the most important thing. Looks fade, but love lasts. And if you love someone, they will always be beautiful in your eyes. (And yes, that can increase over time.) You may need to be careful of that wandering eye, though. Lots of men (most? all?) enjoy looking at other people. But most of us can manage to remain faithful to our beloved. I would think there are quite a few women who do the same. Link to post Share on other sites
DonTomaso Posted December 5, 2003 Share Posted December 5, 2003 I agree with shakesperefan... As long as there is some phyiscal attraction, I say go for it. If there is zero physical attraction, I would advise against it. There will always be someone beautiful out there to look at, but as long as you can control yourself, I think you can make it work. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AGirlsView Posted December 5, 2003 Author Share Posted December 5, 2003 Thanks guys. It's true there will always be better looking people out there and for sure I can control my self, like I said I've never cheated on anyone. I'm not the type to go for a guy just b/c he is handsome anyway to me it's all about the "whole package" and if a guy is handsome but not smart, respecfull and so on then I wouldn't date him either. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted December 5, 2003 Share Posted December 5, 2003 We have kissed b4 and it was nice This is a good sign. If you kissed and it was like kissing a fish, then there may not be hope. However, if you enjoyed kissing him, that's a good sign that you could develop more physical attraction for him. Yes, it will grow, and love tends to intensify attraction. If he's that great and if you care about him, by all means go for it. Link to post Share on other sites
Arabess Posted December 5, 2003 Share Posted December 5, 2003 Hey (Name of the Day!)..... I was in a similar position. I know relationships end up being all about friendship, being comfortable, sharing humor and interests..... But before I get to THAT phase of my relationship....I want some HOT SEX for a nice period of time. I don't know if I could do that with someone I didn't look at and think , at least to ME, he was handsome and sexy. It would feel like settling for the wrong new car...... Link to post Share on other sites
Arabess Posted December 5, 2003 Share Posted December 5, 2003 By the way.....what's with the SEXY pic?? Or did you get LS confused with MatchDating.com?? LAMO! Just kidding....I love the pic! Link to post Share on other sites
bark Posted December 5, 2003 Share Posted December 5, 2003 can you grow more physically attracted to someone in time? Not likely. Think about it: This guy has been in your life for 6 months and there's no physical attraction. None. Nada. Zip. New relationships almost always have healthy doses of desire, attraction and lust. Here you are telling us that this guy just does not light your fire. I don't believe that physical attraction can be willed, nor should the lack of physical attraction be ignored. This guy sounds like a great friend candidate, not a lover. I would look elsewhere. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AGirlsView Posted December 5, 2003 Author Share Posted December 5, 2003 Hey! LOL don't pick on my new avatar I thought maybe this new sexy one would keep me from being booted....LMAO Thanks for all the advice guys, I'm glad it's not that I'm shallow or something. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted December 5, 2003 Share Posted December 5, 2003 Not likely. Think about it: This guy has been in your life for 6 months and there's no physical attraction. None. Nada. Zip. I beg to differ, Bark. I think people's responses to these questions depend on their relationship/love styles. People who grow in love out of friendship often start out without physical attraction. In those cases, the lust comes from the passionate love; the love causes the lust rather than the other way around. I've been in relationships with initial attraction and ones which grew out of love. Frankly, the latter were more satisfying ultimately. However, I suppose this might not be the case for everyone - but to say it is never possible to develop lust over time is incorrect. Link to post Share on other sites
Arabess Posted December 5, 2003 Share Posted December 5, 2003 You are probably right Moimeme....that each person has different criterias regarding their initial attraction. However, the initial sexual attraction doesn't necessarily have to be about the way a person looks. It can be a variety of things about someone which makes you feel all warm and fuzzy. HOWEVER, that warm fuzzy feeling (yes, we can call it a type of LUST)...has to be in place in some capacity. If it's NOT, then how would you be "honestly intimate"?? Link to post Share on other sites
Clancy Posted December 5, 2003 Share Posted December 5, 2003 If AGirlsView's avatar is a sign of a growing trend toward this type of avatar on LS then I just want to take this opportunity to say that I am all for it. I think the other ladies on LS should certainly follow her lead on this. On the subject in question though I'd think It would not be possible for me to become romantically involved with a woman I didn't find to be physically attractive . I see that as a defect in my personality however, but it's been like that all of my life and is not likely to change. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted December 5, 2003 Share Posted December 5, 2003 feel all warm and fuzzy Other than the obvious, which I am making a mighty effort to ignore as I post (oh, Duke/Chewy - this one's SO tempting LOL), I never considered 'warm and fuzzy' part of 'chemistry'. Maybe what we need is to define exactly what people mean by 'chemistry'. When people use 'chemistry', my assumption is that they are talking about lust, plain and simple. Link to post Share on other sites
bark Posted December 5, 2003 Share Posted December 5, 2003 Thing is that I’m not physically attracted to him. Other than the physical attraction I’m attracted to him in every other way. Mentally & emotionally I love this guy but I just can’t get past the physical and it’s not like he is ugly, it’s just that he is not my type. I was tailoring my response to the post's language quoted above. I take AGirlsView at her word: after 6 months with this guy she "just can't get past the physical." That's a powerful sign that there's no chemistry here. She didn't say, "I'm a little bit attracted" or "he's ok but I wish he were hotter." No, AGirlsView told us that she loves this guy but has no physical attraction to him. After 6 months, no lust has sprung from this love. Will physical attraction arise like spontaneous combustion? Anything is possible. But I believe that if her juices aren't flowing now , the odds are slim that they will flow later. What AGirlsView must avoid is entering into a "gratitude" relationship with this guy. Look, he sounds like a great guy but she's not clicking with him sexually. My first marriage began as a "gratitude" relationship and ended 2 years later in divorce. I just wasn't physically attracted to my wife and we fizzled. It happens. Listen to your body, AGirlsView, it knows. And if you want, give it another 6 months or just have sex. Who knows,you might be surprised--although I doubt it. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted December 5, 2003 Share Posted December 5, 2003 Will physical attraction arise like spontaneous combustion? Anything is possible Yep. It can happen. I knew a couple who were friends for 14 years before they fell for each other! Link to post Share on other sites
Arabess Posted December 5, 2003 Share Posted December 5, 2003 Originally posted by moimeme I never considered 'warm and fuzzy' part of 'chemistry'. Maybe what we need is to define exactly what people mean by 'chemistry'. When people use 'chemistry', my assumption is that they are talking about lust, plain and simple. I've never considered "chemistry" as being just LUST. Lust, to me, is when you see someone who makes you want to boink them. Chemistry is when you exchange glances, smiles, ideas and want to get to know everything about each other. I'll stay with "warm and fuzzy".....I think it's a sweet description. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted December 5, 2003 Share Posted December 5, 2003 Oy! I'm getting confuzzled. So we got physical attraction, chemistry, lust, and 'clicking' (or 'warm and fuzzyness') which may not involve appearance. People want those things in different proportions and assign different priorities to them, it seems - even on this one wee thread! Link to post Share on other sites
Arabess Posted December 5, 2003 Share Posted December 5, 2003 Well...you are right....it DID get kind of confusing! The bottom line is....I want to wake up each morning with someone who, for WHATEVER reason, makes me want to stay there awhile. Not jump out of bed to make coffe to begin our "compatible" ...yet sexless....day. I think if I had anything less....I'd rather stay single. Link to post Share on other sites
bark Posted December 5, 2003 Share Posted December 5, 2003 The bottom line is....I want to wake up each morning with someone who, for WHATEVER reason, makes me want to stay there awhile. Not jump out of bed to make coffe to begin our "compatible" ...yet sexless....day. I think if I had anything less....I'd rather stay single. Amen. Link to post Share on other sites
Adonaicole Posted December 5, 2003 Share Posted December 5, 2003 Kiss the fool, kiss him long and hard and see if there is any heat there. If there is not, don't bother going any further. My experience is, if the kissing sucks so will the sex. If the kissing is hot, don't make any plans for being anywhere early the next morning. Is the kissing nice like it's OK or is it nice like it makes you feel good. If it makes you feel good, do it often, life is too short not to enjoy. Link to post Share on other sites
bark Posted December 5, 2003 Share Posted December 5, 2003 Kiss the fool Great idea! Both practical and simple. An elegant solution: let's see if he passes the "KISS THE FOOL" test. I like it. It's also less emotionally messy than intercourse. Go for it! Link to post Share on other sites
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