katiekayla1 Posted October 26, 2009 Share Posted October 26, 2009 Sigh......I've been patient. I have accomplished what he asked of me financially. Got the job(actually working 6 days a wk!) contributing to the household,cooking more blah blah blah. Yes, I am a princess, but really?? No RING after 2yrs. of having it in a safe?? Come on now! We live together and he tells me all the time how he adores me,we're perfect for each other etc. and I truly believe he's sincere. He does, however, have some insecurity issues from ex-wifey but no reason not to trust me. We're great together,no major issues,life is good. He's had perfect opportunities to ask. For instance.......we were in FL for our 2yr. anniversary with his family, no ring.....we had a picnic in Aug.,whole family there,no ring......I don't know,maybe he just doesn't want to? And YES we have talked about it extensively. He was thinkin like 5yrs(what?????)I was thinkin like now, LOL. We agreed somewhere in the middle. He said he was gonna ask soon, still no ring. Maybe he really just doesn't want to, I don't know!! Link to post Share on other sites
Lucky_One Posted October 26, 2009 Share Posted October 26, 2009 You say 2 years, he says 5. You compromise in the middle - 3.5. But you really didn't MEAN the compromise, did you? You still want now. What is it that marriage symbolizes to you that you want so badly? As someone who has been divorced and now in a very serious LTR (almost 3 years), I can tell you that it can be very hard to jump back into another marriage. I already thought that I loved someone enough for "forever" - and I was wrong. I already made vows I believed would stand the test of time - and I was wrong. I already thought I knew someone well enough to live with them day in and day out without wanting to kill them - and I was wrong. Why would you want him to propose with all his family around? Marriages are between two people, and IMHO, proposals should be between 2 people as well. Too many women get way too involved into the logistics of the whole proposal, the ring (and its size and value), the planning, the buying, the parties - and they neglect the marriage in favor of the wedding. Link to post Share on other sites
Lucky_One Posted October 26, 2009 Share Posted October 26, 2009 I just read your other thread about why he won't marry you, and I have to say - having a job for a month and cooking for a month isn't really "proof" that you are ready to be a full partner in this relationship. Give this some time. You sound like you want the security of marriage only from the security standpoint. Be secure in yourself and in your own abilities to take care of yourself and your daughter with no help from anyone else, so that marriage becomes a bonus instead of a burden on the "providing" partner. IF you were living on your own, how would you manage? What would you be doing differently in order to survive? Link to post Share on other sites
Author katiekayla1 Posted October 26, 2009 Author Share Posted October 26, 2009 (edited) Well, we live together,we act like we're married, where's the REAL commitment here? Are we just playing house or what? I want a BIG proposal because I didn't have that the first time around. I would love him to get creative in the asking. Some woman would prefer something quiet but I'm definetly not that personality type. If he's gonna keep me waiting,it better be good. LOL Edited October 26, 2009 by katiekayla1 took part of her thread by accident Link to post Share on other sites
Lucky_One Posted October 26, 2009 Share Posted October 26, 2009 But he's NOT keeping you waiting. Two years isn't very long at all. IMHO, yes, you are playing house, but you chose that when you decided to move in with your daughter. Honestly, he is getting all of the benefits of marriage without the legal responsibilities. He gets financial help, he gets cleaning, he gets sex, he gets companionship, he gets cooking, he gets to feel like he is in a parenting role. The SECOND he marries you, he assumes financial responsibility for you - and you haven't exactly been a 50-50 partner in providing for him in the past. It doesn't matter what "trappings of love" you had or didn't have in your past marriage. What matters is what the MARRIAGE was about, and what this new R can give you and what you can give him in the future that is different and healthier than in the past. Marriage isn't a ring, it isn't a grand proposal, it isn't a dress designed to look well from the back - it is a partnership between two people who love each other deeply enough that they trust their lives and their futures to each other while they work together to achieve mutual dreams and goals. Link to post Share on other sites
Lauriebell82 Posted October 26, 2009 Share Posted October 26, 2009 I agree with Luckyone that a month isn't THAT long of a time to "prove" you're a great partner. I don't know Katiekay, it doesn't sound to me like you guys are on the same timeline. He's not in a rush because he already has you and your daughter. Nothing will change if you marry ACCEPT he will assume legal responsibility for two people like LO said. I think at this point you will either have to "piss or get off the pot" for lack of a better phrase. If you really can't stand waiting then you are going to have to make a decision whether to continue the relationship. Is he worth losing over this? Link to post Share on other sites
Author katiekayla1 Posted October 26, 2009 Author Share Posted October 26, 2009 Well, I have my own timeline in my mind. He has to about late spring early summer to pop the question. If no ring, then I'm going to take a BIG step back and look at the whole picture and decide if I'm going to stay or not.I feel like most people have basically said "why buy the cow when the milk is free??"That to me is just crap. Why should how much I financially help be a deciding factor in asking me to marry him? It makes me feel really worthless and like he's dangling that over my head. It's VERY HURTFUL. It's to the point that it's kinda a "sore" subject between us now. Just so EVERYONE knows, I had my own apartment and a good job before I moved in with him! I'm not pathetic,I can stand on my own feet and provide for myself and daughter. He in the beginning, didn't have ANY expectation of me, ESPECIALLY FINANCIAL. He changed the "rules" AFTER I moved in. I did what he asked. Link to post Share on other sites
Lauriebell82 Posted October 26, 2009 Share Posted October 26, 2009 Well, I have my own timeline in my mind. He has to about late spring early summer to pop the question. If no ring, then I'm going to take a BIG step back and look at the whole picture and decide if I'm going to stay or not.I feel like most people have basically said "why buy the cow when the milk is free??"That to me is just crap. Why should how much I financially help be a deciding factor in asking me to marry him? It makes me feel really worthless and like he's dangling that over my head. It's VERY HURTFUL. It's to the point that it's kinda a "sore" subject between us now. Just so EVERYONE knows, I had my own apartment and a good job before I moved in with him! I'm not pathetic,I can stand on my own feet and provide for myself and daughter. He in the beginning, didn't have ANY expectation of me, ESPECIALLY FINANCIAL. He changed the "rules" AFTER I moved in. I did what he asked. Yeah, I know that must be hard. I think I told you this before but I don't think he realized he would have to support you for so long when you moved in together that's why he changed the rules. He's just one of those guys who wants an equal partner I suppose. My fiance is somewhat like that although he has loosened up on it since we got engaged. It's weird, like a switch went off or something. Have the two of you decided how you would handle finances once you are married? Like one bank account, "whats yours is mine" type situation? It's pretty obvious you feel hurt over this whole thing and if you feel that he should love you and want to marry you despite your financial situation then you may just be with the wrong guy.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author katiekayla1 Posted October 26, 2009 Author Share Posted October 26, 2009 You know, you are right, I am EXTREMELY hurt. That's why I'm going to step back if there is no ring in 6mths. That says alot right there by him not asking.........in answer to your question, we have seperate bank accounts. He would like to keep it that way but I have mixed feelings about that. I have a very good feeling it will stay seperate. Does anyone "REALLY" know if they're with the right one? I was soooo sure in the beginning of our relationship,but now, it seems I'm not so sure with all this proposal stuff. I believe everything happens for some reason, so maybe he's not supposed to ask me in the "big"plan. Maybe he's not my soulmate. Link to post Share on other sites
Lauriebell82 Posted October 26, 2009 Share Posted October 26, 2009 You know, you are right, I am EXTREMELY hurt. That's why I'm going to step back if there is no ring in 6mths. That says alot right there by him not asking.........in answer to your question, we have seperate bank accounts. He would like to keep it that way but I have mixed feelings about that. I have a very good feeling it will stay seperate. Does anyone "REALLY" know if they're with the right one? I was soooo sure in the beginning of our relationship,but now, it seems I'm not so sure with all this proposal stuff. I believe everything happens for some reason, so maybe he's not supposed to ask me in the "big"plan. Maybe he's not my soulmate. Okay I'm confused now. You are having doubts now? What made you realize this? Link to post Share on other sites
Author katiekayla1 Posted October 26, 2009 Author Share Posted October 26, 2009 Well, yeah.....the fact that he hasn't asked me makes me stop and question the relationship, sure! Who wouldn't?? Don't forget, he purchased the ring 2yrs. ago right before I moved in and has had it sitting in a safe. So, you tell me, why hasn't he asked? Most normal men, are estatic, they usually can't wait once they have the ring to propose. He wanted me to be more of an equal partner as you put it, and I have stepped up to the plate and still no ring.........now what? Link to post Share on other sites
ADF Posted October 26, 2009 Share Posted October 26, 2009 Maybe he really just doesn't want to Ding-ding-ding-ding-ding! You got it! You've waited long enough to get a straight answer about this. Demand one. If he waffles, you need to end this relationship. It isn't going anywhere. Link to post Share on other sites
Lauriebell82 Posted October 26, 2009 Share Posted October 26, 2009 Well, yeah.....the fact that he hasn't asked me makes me stop and question the relationship, sure! Who wouldn't?? Don't forget, he purchased the ring 2yrs. ago right before I moved in and has had it sitting in a safe. So, you tell me, why hasn't he asked? Most normal men, are estatic, they usually can't wait once they have the ring to propose. He wanted me to be more of an equal partner as you put it, and I have stepped up to the plate and still no ring.........now what? Oh I thought you meant you were having doubts because of your other thread stating that he dressed badly and let himself go. Not ALL guys are in a rush to propose and give a girl a ring. You also have to remember that all this pressure is probably getting to him. Men generally want it to be THEIR idea, not yours. I know how you feel, I HATED waiting for my fiance to propose. But if you truley want a life with him that's what you are going to have to do..or break up with him. The timeline idea sounds like a good one. But really you should be working and contributing because you WANT to, not just for this guy to marry you. He could be picking up on that too.... Honestly though, your boyfriend doesn't want to get married right now and no amount of badgering or pleading or even PROVING yourself is going to change that. He said 5 years, okay either accept that or move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Lauriebell82 Posted October 26, 2009 Share Posted October 26, 2009 Ding-ding-ding-ding-ding! You got it! You've waited long enough to get a straight answer about this. Demand one. If he waffles, you need to end this relationship. It isn't going anywhere. He gave her an answer..5 years. They compromised (she didn't REALLY want to though) and decided somewhere in between. I agree, it's not going anywhere, at least not RIGHT NOW. Link to post Share on other sites
PinkToes Posted October 26, 2009 Share Posted October 26, 2009 I feel like most people have basically said "why buy the cow when the milk is free??"That to me is just crap. He changed the "rules" AFTER I moved in. So you're saying that after he got the milk, he decided not to buy the cow? Yeah, I can see how that would make you think the whole idea was crap. He seems to be totally happy with the situation. If it isn't working for you, I'm afraid you're gonna have to be the one to change. You will drive yourself crazy waiting for him to come around. Link to post Share on other sites
JustLooking123 Posted October 27, 2009 Share Posted October 27, 2009 I would take a long, hard look at your expectations and attitudes in this relationship. The things you have written in this and your other thread exude a hint of entitlement issues. Working for a month or so is a drop in the bucket when you look at the big picture. And if you're just doing it to get a ring, that's a problem. It sounds like you two want very different things. Link to post Share on other sites
Mary3 Posted October 27, 2009 Share Posted October 27, 2009 5 years is a * stall * to keep you satisfied and quiet. Not sure all that has happened but it sounds like he wanted much of you , like get a job , whatever else you did ,to jump through hoops. In hopes he would pop the question. The fact is : Many marriages FAIL because of Financial. You don't jive together with that ( as an example ) ...one is a saver...one a spender. Big fights and marriages end... I am not saying there should be any timeline. Whether its 5 years or 2 years. Whatever it is you want , its what matters to you. But to force a timeline and if he is just messing with you and using you will produce the death of this relationship. But either way you are right that you are GLAD you can see whats happening here and he didnt feel compelled to marry you years ago because a forced marriage is not a successful one. You are also right that he might not be your true soulmate. Link to post Share on other sites
Malenfant Posted October 27, 2009 Share Posted October 27, 2009 you seem to feel as if you are 'owed' marriage, the big proposal, ring, etc. what if marriage didnt exist? would you be happy with your relationship if you had nothing else to validate it other than your feelings? I really dont understand this desperate need to be married, what do you think it will do? you should be confident enough in your relationship to feel that its worthwhile before you get married, not use marriage as the proof that you have a happy relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Lauriebell82 Posted October 27, 2009 Share Posted October 27, 2009 you seem to feel as if you are 'owed' marriage, the big proposal, ring, etc. what if marriage didnt exist? would you be happy with your relationship if you had nothing else to validate it other than your feelings? I really dont understand this desperate need to be married, what do you think it will do? you should be confident enough in your relationship to feel that its worthwhile before you get married, not use marriage as the proof that you have a happy relationship. Yeah, I agree. Really if you already live together a ring is not going to change that. The only difference from when I got engaged 5 months ago was the fact that I have a ring and we are planning a wedding. It will be the same with marriage. Katiekay, are you scared that if he doesn't marry you, he can just up and leave?? While that is an understandable concern, but he can leave you if you get married as well. You will just have to pay to break up in that case. Link to post Share on other sites
boundaryproblem Posted November 1, 2009 Share Posted November 1, 2009 Plan A - Set a timeline. Give him tons of warning. When date comes and goes - walk. Move back in AFTER wedding. Plan B - Set a timeline. Give him tons of warning. Accept excuses and keep living with him. Never end up married. People are gunshy about getting married these days. You have to play hardball, unfortunately. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Mary3 Posted November 1, 2009 Share Posted November 1, 2009 Plan A - Set a timeline. Give him tons of warning. When date comes and goes - walk. Move back in AFTER wedding. Plan B - Set a timeline. Give him tons of warning. Accept excuses and keep living with him. Never end up married. People are gunshy about getting married these days. You have to play hardball, unfortunately. Good luck. My friend did plan A. She told him " marry me or I am gone" . He married her. But at what price ? I don't see this as anything but a forced marriage of sorts. He told her for 3 YEARS he did NOT want to get married . Period. When she threatened to leave him ., he caved under and married her . Seriously how successful can their marriage be ? It might work on the surface level but as far as a solid foundation for a future I dont know... Link to post Share on other sites
Lauriebell82 Posted November 2, 2009 Share Posted November 2, 2009 My friend did plan A. She told him " marry me or I am gone" . He married her. But at what price ? I don't see this as anything but a forced marriage of sorts. He told her for 3 YEARS he did NOT want to get married . Period. When she threatened to leave him ., he caved under and married her . Seriously how successful can their marriage be ? It might work on the surface level but as far as a solid foundation for a future I dont know... I agree. Women shouldn't have to threaten someone to marry them. That's a big reason for EA I believe. Link to post Share on other sites
aerogurl87 Posted November 2, 2009 Share Posted November 2, 2009 See OP this is exactly why I never plan to move in with a guy unless we are already engaged and with a set date in mind for the wedding. And for everyone asking what's a wedding do that just living together doesn't, well it does 2 things in my opinion. 1) Its a manifestation to the world that you are committed to one another and 2) it's the biggest commitment someone can ever make to someone else. Why do you think so many people who are commitment phobes don't mind cohabitation but run when you mention marriage? It's because marriage is the greatest commitment you can make. Anyone can move in together, but not everyone will run off proposing to one another and that's what makes it all the more special. Link to post Share on other sites
Lionblade Posted November 2, 2009 Share Posted November 2, 2009 See OP this is exactly why I never plan to move in with a guy unless we are already engaged and with a set date in mind for the wedding. And for everyone asking what's a wedding do that just living together doesn't, well it does 2 things in my opinion. 1) Its a manifestation to the world that you are committed to one another and 2) it's the biggest commitment someone can ever make to someone else. Why do you think so many people who are commitment phobes don't mind cohabitation but run when you mention marriage? It's because marriage is the greatest commitment you can make. Anyone can move in together, but not everyone will run off proposing to one another and that's what makes it all the more special. Because there is a difference legally should those two people decide they don't want to be with each other anymore. You're putting marriage on a huge pedestal by claiming it's significance to commitment. Just look at the rates of divorce in this country. To say I'll be with that person forever doesn't make sense. You might feel that way but you can't foresee the future; plus that statement doesn't take into account that humans change. Link to post Share on other sites
Lauriebell82 Posted November 2, 2009 Share Posted November 2, 2009 Because there is a difference legally should those two people decide they don't want to be with each other anymore. You're putting marriage on a huge pedestal by claiming it's significance to commitment. Just look at the rates of divorce in this country. To say I'll be with that person forever doesn't make sense. You might feel that way but you can't foresee the future; plus that statement doesn't take into account that humans change. I think this may be WHY the divorce rate is so high! People have now abadoned the idea that marriage is the ultimate committment and is FOREVER. Marriage now simply means "till change/affairs/fights do us part." Society has made it condonable to just "get out" when the going gets tough. Plus I firmly believe that humans can change TOGETHER. If divorce was not possible I think couples would work harder at their marriages IMO. Link to post Share on other sites
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