I guess he's not askin any time soon!

[Mary3]

See OP this is exactly why I never plan to move in with a guy unless we are already engaged and with a set date in mind for the wedding. And for everyone asking what's a wedding do that just living together doesn't, well it does 2 things in my opinion. 1) Its a manifestation to the world that you are committed to one another and 2) it's the biggest commitment someone can ever make to someone else. Why do you think so many people who are commitment phobes don't mind cohabitation but run when you mention marriage? It's because marriage is the greatest commitment you can make. Anyone can move in together, but not everyone will run off proposing to one another and that's what makes it all the more special.

 

I have my own mixed reviews on Marriage.

 

It seems they make marriage very expensive and divorce relatively cheap. Lets say $ 10,000 for the wedding and $ 1,500 for divorce. This should be reversed. A small simple ceremony for $ 200 and make divorce $ 15,000.

 

But most brides go through this year long plan of the Ultimate Wedding. The expensive dress , flowers , cake , ect. I realize this is the BIG day for the bride but the focus of nuptials seems to be the great expense to get there.

 

What if the bride told her mom and day a DAY before the wedding that she could not go through with this ? Most brides might not do that because their parents have have spent enormous non refundable deposits for food , liquor , flowers , dress , cake . So even if the bride does go through with the cancellation of the wedding she suffers the humilation of telling all her friends , relatives that it is NOT going to happen. Whats worse : The wrong husband or being free to find the right one later ?

 

Which begs to mind : If wedding nuptials were cheap and you could back out , you likely would. ( And thats clearly because marrying this person would not be the right thing to do ) But the focus is the WEDDING, all big and shiny production . The focus does NOT seem to be after the legality of marriage. Then what ?

Then the play time is over and the B and G have to deal with finances , losses, real time reality.

 

I think a great wedding could be done in your living room where you only invite immediate family . Then later in an outdoor park you could do the food and cake.

I realize alot of brides might want to shoot me right now but its the conditioning since you were a little girl to read all the Bridal Magazine and follow the traditions .

How many brides are paying for their own wedding ? (I paid for mine.)

We should not take away the dream but are we forgetting about the FOCUS of marriage. To blend lives and money and create a life together.

 

Did you notice most men are not that involved in the whole wedding ( ( To the degree the bride )

thing ? They only worry about the TUX and what the groomsmen and ushers will be wearing ? ( I don't include all men )

 

I just think its conditioning since we were little girls to want a dream wedding.

 

What if that conditioning was a nice little party dress and mom and you made all the wedding foods , the cake . ( Likely how it happened 100 years ago ) Those marriages likely lasted longer. ( No stats on that ) What if the focus was on the marriage itself and not the expense to get there.

 

Who wants to shoot me first ?

[Lauriebell82]

Who wants to shoot me first ?

 

I don't want to shoot you..actually I agree with you.

 

Society has made it WAY too easy to get divorced and WAY to hard to cancel a wedding. (e.i. non-refundable deposits)

[ADF]

If he hasn't asked by now, he probably doesn't want to. You may well have to press the issue. Understand that many men are horrified by the idea of marriage. They regard it almost as a kind of death. They associate marriage with the end of freedom, the end of youth, and see it as a path to financial ruin.

 

What they don't understand is that by refusing to marry the women they love, they are in essence telling them, "I want an easy out. No matter how long we're together, no matter how much we share, no matter how much of your life you've invested in us, I want to be able to walk away at any time, owing you nothing and never having to look back." That is a cruel, brutal message.

 

Maybe explain it to him that way and he'll get it.

[stillafool]

Well, I have my own timeline in my mind. He has to about late spring early summer to pop the question. If no ring, then I'm going to take a BIG step back and look at the whole picture and decide if I'm going to stay or not.I feel like most people have basically said "why buy the cow when the milk is free??"That to me is just crap. Why should how much I financially help be a deciding factor in asking me to marry him? It makes me feel really worthless and like he's dangling that over my head. It's VERY HURTFUL. It's to the point that it's kinda a "sore" subject between us now. Just so EVERYONE knows, I had my own apartment and a good job before I moved in with him! I'm not pathetic,I can stand on my own feet and provide for myself and daughter. He in the beginning, didn't have ANY expectation of me, ESPECIALLY FINANCIAL. He changed the "rules" AFTER I moved in. I did what he asked.

 

 

I would say because you are bringing your child into the marriage and should be able support her financially. Why would you quit a good job after moving in with him?

[stillafool]

 

Marriage isn't a ring, it isn't a grand proposal, it isn't a dress designed to look well from the back - it is a partnership between two people who love each other deeply enough that they trust their lives and their futures to each other while they work together to achieve mutual dreams and goals.

 

 

Exactly! I would think OP would be thinking along these lines since she already has a child and has been down this road before she should know all that other junk doesn't amount to a "hill of beans". What's important is the marriage.

[ADF]

I think this may be WHY the divorce rate is so high! People have now abadoned the idea that marriage is the ultimate committment and is FOREVER. Marriage now simply means "till change/affairs/fights do us part." Society has made it condonable to just "get out" when the going gets tough. Plus I firmly believe that humans can change TOGETHER.

 

If divorce was not possible I think couples would work harder at their marriages IMO.

 

Sorry, but you're just wrong here. Divorce rates were lower years ago not because people were more committed to marriage, but because divorced people--especially divroced women--were considered social pariahs and shunned by their communities.

 

Look at almost any society today where the divorce rate is low. You'll find they have several features in common:

 

1) Women have no rights. Once a woman marries, she effectively becomes the property of her husband.

 

2) Marriages are arranged. Marriages are not about love or two people being happy together. They are basically economic arrangemetns designed to form alliances between families.

 

3) Marriage is a purely functional relationship. Marriages are not supposed to make people happy. No one cares if couples are happy or even if they like each other, really. The husband and the wife have roles to play. They play them. End of story

 

Is that what you want back to? I don't. If we are going to choose our own mates, and if we're going to expect them to love us and make us happy, we are going to have to accept a higher divorce rate. It's the price we pay for living in a free society.

[kampfy chair]

Sorry, but you're just wrong here. Divorce rates were lower years ago not because people were more committed to marriage, but because divorced people--especially divroced women--were considered social pariahs and shunned by their communities.

 

Look at almost any society today where the divorce rate is low. You'll find they have several features in common:

 

1) Women have no rights. Once a woman marries, she effectively becomes the property of her husband.

 

2) Marriages are arranged. Marriages are not about love or two people being happy together. They are basically economic arrangemetns designed to form alliances between families.

 

3) Marriage is a purely functional relationship. Marriages are not supposed to make people happy. No one cares if couples are happy or even if they like each other, really. The husband and the wife have roles to play. They play them. End of story

 

Is that what you want back to? I don't. If we are going to choose our own mates, and if we're going to expect them to love us and make us happy, we are going to have to accept a higher divorce rate. It's the price we pay for living in a free society.

 

YES! OMG I so agree with you! My fiance and I have very non-traditional views on marriage. In our eyes, marriage is a promise to do everything we can to make our relationship work. But there may come a point where it simply does not work anymore and it would be unhealthy for us to remain married. My parents are of a similar mind and have been married for over 24 years. I think that the couples who go into their marriage thinking "there is no way we will ever get a divorce" or "this is absolutely forever and there is not way out" are the ones who get derailed when they realize that marriage isn't always sunshine and roses. The more you set yourself up to believe that your marriage cannot or should not fail, the harder it is to deal with the everyday bumps and snags that are a part of any long term relationship. If we took marriage off of its pedestal, I think everyone would be much happier and fewer couples would end up divorced.

[Lauriebell82]

YES! OMG I so agree with you! My fiance and I have very non-traditional views on marriage. In our eyes, marriage is a promise to do everything we can to make our relationship work. But there may come a point where it simply does not work anymore and it would be unhealthy for us to remain married. My parents are of a similar mind and have been married for over 24 years. I think that the couples who go into their marriage thinking "there is no way we will ever get a divorce" or "this is absolutely forever and there is not way out" are the ones who get derailed when they realize that marriage isn't always sunshine and roses. The more you set yourself up to believe that your marriage cannot or should not fail, the harder it is to deal with the everyday bumps and snags that are a part of any long term relationship. If we took marriage off of its pedestal, I think everyone would be much happier and fewer couples would end up divorced.

 

I agree that you have to accept the fact that marriage is not always perfect. But why would you go into a marriage accepting the fact that you might get divorced if your relationship no longer works? What would even be the point of that? Don't get married then and save yourself the hassle!

[Mary3]

YES! OMG I so agree with you! My fiance and I have very non-traditional views on marriage. In our eyes, marriage is a promise to do everything we can to make our relationship work. But there may come a point where it simply does not work anymore and it would be unhealthy for us to remain married. My parents are of a similar mind and have been married for over 24 years. I think that the couples who go into their marriage thinking "there is no way we will ever get a divorce" or "this is absolutely forever and there is not way out" are the ones who get derailed when they realize that marriage isn't always sunshine and roses. The more you set yourself up to believe that your marriage cannot or should not fail, the harder it is to deal with the everyday bumps and snags that are a part of any long term relationship. If we took marriage off of its pedestal, I think everyone would be much happier and fewer couples would end up divorced.

 

 

This is DEAD ON correct . No-one knows what may enter their marriage and can destroy it. No-one EVER walks down the aisle at church thinking they will divorce ...But people change in marriages due to stress and other factors. They try desperately in vain to go to therapy to save the marriage but sometimes there is no saving.

THATS why I believe in verrrrrrrry lonnnnnnnng engagements incase he/ or you/ changes. I do NOT believe in short romance and quick marriages....I say this : YOU MUST GET TO KNOW THAT PERSON forwards , backwards and upside down...

[Lauriebell82]

This is DEAD ON correct . No-one knows what may enter their marriage and can destroy it. No-one EVER walks down the aisle at church thinking they will divorce ...But people change in marriages due to stress and other factors. They try desperately in vain to go to therapy to save the marriage but sometimes there is no saving.

 

I see your point and I agree to some extent, but if that's the case then why even bother getting married?

[kampfy chair]

I agree that you have to accept the fact that marriage is not always perfect. But why would you go into a marriage accepting the fact that you might get divorced if your relationship no longer works? What would even be the point of that? Don't get married then and save yourself the hassle!

 

Well, I think I'm just being realistic here. There are situations in life that ruin marriages regardless of how happy the couple were to begin with. I mentioned this in another post, but one of my mother's best friends got divorced after her son died. She and her husband had a very happy and successful marriage, but the stress of the situation and the fact that the two of them grieved very differently eventually drove them apart. These are the kinds of things that you cannot predict, and even if you do choose to have a long engagement, they aren't situations you cannot conceivably prepare for. You just never know what life will throw at you and how this might change the relationship for the worse.

 

I think it's also worth pointing out that this concept of marriage as a permanent, loving bond between two people is a relatively new phenomenon. For example, during the Renaissance you were considered extremely lucky if you loved your spouse. Marriage was for political/financial reasons, and affairs were for love (well, at least for the male half of the relationship). I don't think human beings are truly monogamous by nature. Marriage is something that is pushed on us by society, not by our inherent human qualities.

 

That said, I do think marriage is worthwhile. As I mentioned before, I come from a family with two very happily married parents. I think for some couples it's possible to achieve this lifelong bond, but for many it isn't. I just don't think we can expect everyone to live up to such a lofty ideal. I'm marrying my fiance because I love him deeply and want to build my life with him and marriage is a way of declaring that love to the world. But I also don't expect perfection, and he does not expect it from me. This might sound crazy to many people but we've already discussed the possibility of infidelity and how we would deal with it (we've also been there before and successfully overcome it). Basically, I don't consider anything a "deal-breaker" in our relationship, unless it is causing one or both of us extreme emotional or physical harm. In that case, we would split. But I think our attitudes about marriage make it less likely that this will happen to us, but again anything is possible and we're prepared for that.

[Mary3]

Well, I think I'm just being realistic here. There are situations in life that ruin marriages regardless of how happy the couple were to begin with. I mentioned this in another post, but one of my mother's best friends got divorced after her son died. She and her husband had a very happy and successful marriage, but the stress of the situation and the fact that the two of them grieved very differently eventually drove them apart. These are the kinds of things that you cannot predict, and even if you do choose to have a long engagement, they aren't situations you cannot conceivably prepare for. You just never know what life will throw at you and how this might change the relationship for the worse.

 

I think it's also worth pointing out that this concept of marriage as a permanent, loving bond between two people is a relatively new phenomenon. For example, during the Renaissance you were considered extremely lucky if you loved your spouse. Marriage was for political/financial reasons, and affairs were for love (well, at least for the male half of the relationship). I don't think human beings are truly monogamous by nature. Marriage is something that is pushed on us by society, not by our inherent human qualities.

 

That said, I do think marriage is worthwhile. As I mentioned before, I come from a family with two very happily married parents. I think for some couples it's possible to achieve this lifelong bond, but for many it isn't. I just don't think we can expect everyone to live up to such a lofty ideal. I'm marrying my fiance because I love him deeply and want to build my life with him and marriage is a way of declaring that love to the world. But I also don't expect perfection, and he does not expect it from me. This might sound crazy to many people but we've already discussed the possibility of infidelity and how we would deal with it (we've also been there before and successfully overcome it). Basically, I don't consider anything a "deal-breaker" in our relationship, unless it is causing one or both of us extreme emotional or physical harm. In that case, we would split. But I think our attitudes about marriage make it less likely that this will happen to us, but again anything is possible and we're prepared for that.

 

This is one of the most refreshing and REALISTIC posts I have read in a long time. No one sets out for bad things to happen in marriage but they DO. Divorce can and does exist -no-one has the power to control the future or stop this from happening if the foundation collapses on the marriage...

[Mary3]

I see your point and I agree to some extent, but if that's the case then why even bother getting married?

 

I can explain more reasons NOT to get married than I can TO get married :

 

Nots :

 

If you are pregnant.

If you see his ex has entered back into the picture and you want to will him away from her.

Deliberating attempting and succeeding in getting pregnant then forcing the marriage hand.

If you are pure lonely and think that another human being can fix all the wounds on your soul and make you happy.

Pure romantic love . ( This is short lived and the real long term test of love begins soonafter )

If you dont like being alone. ( BIG red flags if you marry someone because you dont want to be alone )

You fight with abuse. Either verbal or emotional / physical.

There are a gazbillion more but the POINT is...If you are not healthy inside emotionally ,mentally and mature , your marriage is doomed.

 

Reasons to get married ...Thats a tough one...hrmm...

 

Because you have spent many years together and whether you walk the aisle or you dont , nothing changes how you feel about that person.

[Rollercoasterr]

I've got the best reason in the world to get married and I feel this every day in my bones, my being, and my soul.

 

Because I cannot fathom the thought of being without him. He completes me in every way possible. Even when we fight we never ever say things that would hurt one another. This man is TRULY my other half. Being his wife would make me the HAPPIEST woman on planet earth and I would gladly live in a cardboard box in the middle of the worst street in the world if it meant that I could wake up each and every morning for the rest of my life and know that I was Mrs. Gervais.

 

For us, just being together is not enough. We want to wear our wedding bands PROUDLY, we want to share the joys and turmoils of married life and we want to shout from the rooftops that we are finally married and that we will never have to be apart again.

 

Sure, people change, but if you are truly in tune with your partner and communicate the way we are all supposed to then there is nothing you can't fix or overcome. That's one thing that being in this LDR has taught me. We don't take each other for granted. Each and every day is a blessing for us because it means that we are just one step closer to our goal, and that goal is each other.

[kampfy chair]

I've got the best reason in the world to get married and I feel this every day in my bones, my being, and my soul.

 

Because I cannot fathom the thought of being without him. He completes me in every way possible. Even when we fight we never ever say things that would hurt one another. This man is TRULY my other half. Being his wife would make me the HAPPIEST woman on planet earth and I would gladly live in a cardboard box in the middle of the worst street in the world if it meant that I could wake up each and every morning for the rest of my life and know that I was Mrs. Gervais.

 

For us, just being together is not enough. We want to wear our wedding bands PROUDLY, we want to share the joys and turmoils of married life and we want to shout from the rooftops that we are finally married and that we will never have to be apart again.

 

Sure, people change, but if you are truly in tune with your partner and communicate the way we are all supposed to then there is nothing you can't fix or overcome. That's one thing that being in this LDR has taught me. We don't take each other for granted. Each and every day is a blessing for us because it means that we are just one step closer to our goal, and that goal is each other.

 

Gervais...you aren't marrying Ricky Gervais are you? Because that would be awesome

 

Sorry, I disagree about always being able to overcome any situation. I know there are many, many things that my fh and I CAN overcome, but again, who am I to say that some thing or event couldn't cause things to change in the future? Or that one of us won't change in an unanticipated way? I don't think getting a divorce would necessarily mean we had failed, just that we had done absolutely everything possible to fix things and despite our best efforts we couldn't make it work. It happens sometimes, but even if it does, it does not negate the many happy years of marriage that we could still have together. In my eyes it is a risk, but a risk worth taking nonetheless.

[kampfy chair]

 

Reasons to get married ...Thats a tough one...hrmm...

 

Because you have spent many years together and whether you walk the aisle or you dont , nothing changes how you feel about that person.

 

This is definitely true. You shouldn't go into marriage thinking that it will improve the relationship. It really shouldn't change anything at all.

[Lauriebell82]

Gervais...you aren't marrying Ricky Gervais are you? Because that would be awesome

 

Sorry, I disagree about always being able to overcome any situation. I know there are many, many things that my fh and I CAN overcome, but again, who am I to say that some thing or event couldn't cause things to change in the future? Or that one of us won't change in an unanticipated way? I don't think getting a divorce would necessarily mean we had failed, just that we had done absolutely everything possible to fix things and despite our best efforts we couldn't make it work. It happens sometimes, but even if it does, it does not negate the many happy years of marriage that we could still have together. In my eyes it is a risk, but a risk worth taking nonetheless.

 

Call me crazy but I think obstacles CAN be overcome, even really tough ones...but only if people are willing to change behavior and really try. Unfortunately that isn't the easiest thing in the world to do, hence the divorce rate.

 

Anyway, we got way off track here. I don't know if the OP has even come back to read, but I hope she does update us on her situation!

[Mary3]

I've got the best reason in the world to get married and I feel this every day in my bones, my being, and my soul.

 

Because I cannot fathom the thought of being without him. He completes me in every way possible. Even when we fight we never ever say things that would hurt one another. This man is TRULY my other half. Being his wife would make me the HAPPIEST woman on planet earth and I would gladly live in a cardboard box in the middle of the worst street in the world if it meant that I could wake up each and every morning for the rest of my life and know that I was Mrs. Gervais.

 

For us, just being together is not enough. We want to wear our wedding bands PROUDLY, we want to share the joys and turmoils of married life and we want to shout from the rooftops that we are finally married and that we will never have to be apart again.

 

Sure, people change, but if you are truly in tune with your partner and communicate the way we are all supposed to then there is nothing you can't fix or overcome. That's one thing that being in this LDR has taught me. We don't take each other for granted. Each and every day is a blessing for us because it means that we are just one step closer to our goal, and that goal is each other.

 

I suspect in your LDR you have not spent alot of Quantity time with this person. That will be the ONLY way you will know that this will last... It may take living together or marriage .

 

He should not * complete you *. You should be whole in every way and he should accentuate what you already ARE.

 

Your fights are actually a test of the future. I would be weary of people who say they never fight. Two human beings being near eachother and expressing their differences is NORMAL. The real test is what happens after the fights.

 

Because it is an LDR you have not had real quantity time together . Thats what makes your R so special and new all the time. But once you are married everything that sets in on most couples will set in on yours. I strongly recommend you both live very near one another ( within 10 miles ) in seperate quarters in the future before you get married and let him DATE you.

 

If you highly disagree with me just rememeber I suggested it.

 

How much real time ( not phone time , email time , text time ) have you spend with this person. Not just romantic vacation visits....I will say this : You probrobly dont know ALL of him that you need to know. Yet...

[Rollercoasterr]

I suspect in your LDR you have not spent alot of Quantity time with this person. That will be the ONLY way you will know that this will last... It may take living together or marriage .

 

He should not * complete you *. You should be whole in every way and he should accentuate what you already ARE.

 

Your fights are actually a test of the future. I would be weary of people who say they never fight. Two human beings being near eachother and expressing their differences is NORMAL. The real test is what happens after the fights.

 

Because it is an LDR you have not had real quantity time together . Thats what makes your R so special and new all the time. But once you are married everything that sets in on most couples will set in on yours. I strongly recommend you both live very near one another ( within 10 miles ) in seperate quarters in the future before you get married and let him DATE you.

 

If you highly disagree with me just rememeber I suggested it.

 

How much real time ( not phone time , email time , text time ) have you spend with this person. Not just romantic vacation visits....I will say this : You probrobly dont know ALL of him that you need to know. Yet...

 

I HIGHLY disagree with you and take most of what you said as an insult.

 

Since I am in a LDR with a person living in another country I don't have the option to live near him without getting married. He cannot move to the US without a visa and I cannot move to Canada without one either. Sure I could go up as a tourist but I don't have the luxury of not having a job. I work for a living, and I'm VERY good at what I do. We are 1000 miles away from each other, not just a few hours. This had red tape and paperwork involved.

 

Yes, he COMPLETES ME. Take it or leave it, like it or don't. I sure as hell couldn't give a rats behind what you think about my relationship because you don't know it. You only know what YOU think. You don't know anything about anyone elses relationships. No one does. We can give advice here all day long, but at the end of that day no one knows our own relationships better than ourselves. I feel happy when I'm without him, but when I'm with him I feel like my life has come full circle.

 

And yes, I know all of my fiance. I know his ins, his outs, I know his bad habits and he knows mine. We have spent plenty of quality visits together (we actually had a month long visit a few months ago). I know and love him for every single one of his faults and he loves me for mine. Maybe you don't "get" that or understand. Maybe you think I'm buying into all this traditionalist crap that some of you on here seem to hate so much. And yeah, maybe I am. But honestly, as I said before I don't care what you or anyone else thinks about my relationship. I'll wear that big flashy diamond, I'll flaunt that big princess ballgown down that aisle, and I'll proudly take his last name.

 

Most of those who have not been in an LDR (and I'm talking one that is more than a few hours away) don't understand them. You have to make up for what you're lacking in the physical sense. You have to talk and communicate and find better ways to resolve an issue. Mathew and I have had plenty of years of practice at this and we've perfected it to an ART. And no, our relationship does not feel new to me each time we see each other. We act just like any other couple would that has been together for years.

 

In the beginning he put the toilet seat down. Now he doesn't even bother. And one day I'll get him back for all of those sleepy nights when I almost fall in the damn thing.

 

So all in all, I'm happy and secure in my relationship and my beliefs. I don't need you or anyone else telling me what I should and shouldn't do. You don't know me, you don't know him. My LDR friggin' rocks and if I had the chance to do it all over again, I would. He's that special and important to me. Every step I have taken in my life has brought me closer to him and that's all that matters. All of the icky heart-breaking stuff included.

 

And I will say this. I will greatly enjoy the getting to know him time that you think I'm missing so much. I don't understand why everyone who is semi against marriage thinks that once you get married everything explodes into this big massive fight and that the person you thought you loved turns out to be a monster. That isn't so. Maybe you've been scorned, I don't know. My parents went through a nasty divorce in which she had an affair for almost a year, but if my dad had been looking for the signs he would have seen them. I know what can happen to marriages to make them turn bad, but I also have seen plenty of good ones. I'm not afraid of the bad stuff.

 

Back to topic, this isn't my thread and I don't intend on making it mine.

Edited December 3, 2009 by Rollercoasterr

[Mary3]

I HIGHLY disagree with you and take most of what you said as an insult.

 

Since I am in a LDR with a person living in another country I don't have the option to live near him without getting married. He cannot move to the US without a visa and I cannot move to Canada without one either. Sure I could go up as a tourist but I don't have the luxury of not having a job. I work for a living, and I'm VERY good at what I do. We are 1000 miles away from each other, not just a few hours. This had red tape and paperwork involved.

 

Yes, he COMPLETES ME. Take it or leave it, like it or don't. I sure as hell couldn't give a rats behind what you think about my relationship because you don't know it. You only know what YOU think. You don't know anything about anyone elses relationships. No one does. We can give advice here all day long, but at the end of that day no one knows our own relationships better than ourselves. I feel happy when I'm without him, but when I'm with him I feel like my life has come full circle.

 

And yes, I know all of my fiance. I know his ins, his outs, I know his bad habits and he knows mine. We have spent plenty of quality visits together (we actually had a month long visit a few months ago). I know and love him for every single one of his faults and he loves me for mine. Maybe you don't "get" that or understand. Maybe you think I'm buying into all this traditionalist crap that some of you on here seem to hate so much. And yeah, maybe I am. But honestly, as I said before I don't care what you or anyone else thinks about my relationship. I'll wear that big flashy diamond, I'll flaunt that big princess ballgown down that aisle, and I'll proudly take his last name.

 

Most of those who have not been in an LDR (and I'm talking one that is more than a few hours away) don't understand them. You have to make up for what you're lacking in the physical sense. You have to talk and communicate and find better ways to resolve an issue. Mathew and I have had plenty of years of practice at this and we've perfected it to an ART. And no, our relationship does not feel new to me each time we see each other. We act just like any other couple would that has been together for years.

 

In the beginning he put the toilet seat down. Now he doesn't even bother. And one day I'll get him back for all of those sleepy nights when I almost fall in the damn thing.

 

So all in all, I'm happy and secure in my relationship and my beliefs. I don't need you or anyone else telling me what I should and shouldn't do. You don't know me, you don't know him. My LDR friggin' rocks and if I had the chance to do it all over again, I would. He's that special and important to me. Every step I have taken in my life has brought me closer to him and that's all that matters. All of the icky heart-breaking stuff included.

 

And I will say this. I will greatly enjoy the getting to know him time that you think I'm missing so much. I don't understand why everyone who is semi against marriage thinks that once you get married everything explodes into this big massive fight and that the person you thought you loved turns out to be a monster. That isn't so. Maybe you've been scorned, I don't know. My parents went through a nasty divorce in which she had an affair for almost a year, but if my dad had been looking for the signs he would have seen them. I know what can happen to marriages to make them turn bad, but I also have seen plenty of good ones. I'm not afraid of the bad stuff.

 

Back to topic, this isn't my thread and I don't intend on making it mine.

 

You are VERY highly defensive . Why is that ? If you felt so secure you would not have to joustle with a complete stranger such as myself , now would you ?

 

An insult ? You should feel a peace and calm with this person and nothing should be able to shake you. Were you looking for validation that your LDR is all you think it should be ?

 

Why do you have to get involved with someone that makes it literally unattainable to HAVE unless you marry him ? Have you tried dating in your own home town ?

 

I don't need or want to know about your relationship. I am telling you LDR 's have a high failure rate UNLESS the couple , one of them . MOVES to be near the other one. Notice I said move near , not MARRY , because it would be LUDICRIOUS to marry someone you do NOT know. Spend one year with him , within 10 miles and get back to us about how well its going.

 

We don''t HATE anyone here. But perhaps you DO ? We are here to give advice and I don't think I have EVER seen anyone so critical and biased here before. ...If you do not want people to formulate what they think about your LDR ( where millions read this forum ) Then WHY did you post it here ?

 

This is AMERICA where we are ABLE to have free speech and if you post here whether its about marriage or LDR's then WE are going to post our opinion.

 

For your information I am in a LDR as well. And would I do it again . ? NO ! I promised myself I would not because LDR's cheat the couple out of REAL TIME of being together and no internet , phone call , text, can EVER be as adequate. Don't kid yourself. If you had a CHOICE . I bet he would live very near you. Lets be REALISTIC here.

 

You know I don't go on this LDR site very often because I now see my bf every 2/4 weeks and we make it ( as we are looking for a house now ) so we can see eachother more often.

 

Actually NO , from intense STUDY , : I have learned a fight does not mean the END. I detest fighting . I detest DRAMA. I won't tolerate unnecessary drama in my life. If I get involved with someone and they really dig the drama , then I find a way to GET OUT of that type of R.

 

But recently learned that disagreeing means you have : 2 HEADS , 2 healthy heads with 2 different BRAINS in them with 2 different MINDS. IN that , there is NO way you can possibly agree on EVERYTHING. While its nice to have amazing chemistry and have many similar interests , you must , just like an infant , realize you are seperate from your (vs. mother) and your own functions , thoughts and ideas.

You mingle those together . Some things he might not like and some things you might not like, you figure out how to not rattle him on the things he does not because you arent there to change his dislikes but rather see if can both co mingle and exist with eachother JUST AS YOU ARE.

[Rollercoasterr]

You are VERY highly defensive . Why is that ? If you felt so secure you would not have to joustle with a complete stranger such as myself , now would you ?

 

An insult ? You should feel a peace and calm with this person and nothing should be able to shake you. Were you looking for validation that your LDR is all you think it should be ?

 

Why do you have to get involved with someone that makes it literally unattainable to HAVE unless you marry him ? Have you tried dating in your own home town ?

 

I don't need or want to know about your relationship. I am telling you LDR 's have a high failure rate UNLESS the couple , one of them . MOVES to be near the other one. Notice I said move near , not MARRY , because it would be LUDICRIOUS to marry someone you do NOT know. Spend one year with him , within 10 miles and get back to us about how well its going.

 

We don''t HATE anyone here. But perhaps you DO ? We are here to give advice and I don't think I have EVER seen anyone so critical and biased here before. ...If you do not want people to formulate what they think about your LDR ( where millions read this forum ) Then WHY did you post it here ?

 

This is AMERICA where we are ABLE to have free speech and if you post here whether its about marriage or LDR's then WE are going to post our opinion.

 

For your information I am in a LDR as well. And would I do it again . ? NO ! I promised myself I would not because LDR's cheat the couple out of REAL TIME of being together and no internet , phone call , text, can EVER be as adequate. Don't kid yourself. If you had a CHOICE . I bet he would live very near you. Lets be REALISTIC here.

 

You know I don't go on this LDR site very often because I now see my bf every 2/4 weeks and we make it ( as we are looking for a house now ) so we can see eachother more often.

 

Actually NO , from intense STUDY , : I have learned a fight does not mean the END. I detest fighting . I detest DRAMA. I won't tolerate unnecessary drama in my life. If I get involved with someone and they really dig the drama , then I find a way to GET OUT of that type of R.

 

But recently learned that disagreeing means you have : 2 HEADS , 2 healthy heads with 2 different BRAINS in them with 2 different MINDS. IN that , there is NO way you can possibly agree on EVERYTHING. While its nice to have amazing chemistry and have many similar interests , you must , just like an infant , realize you are seperate from your (vs. mother) and your own functions , thoughts and ideas.

You mingle those together . Some things he might not like and some things you might not like, you figure out how to not rattle him on the things he does not because you arent there to change his dislikes but rather see if can both co mingle and exist with eachother JUST AS YOU ARE.

 

I am not defensive, but when people try and tell me how I should conduct my relationship I do get annoyed. I am extremely secure in my relationship and my faith in him and us.

 

I want to marry him, he wants to marry me. We have been apart for long enough. Being close to each other is not our reason for marriage. This is what we want. The only reason we didn't do it sooner was so that he could finish his bachelors. We are and have been taking our time. I would gladly and happily spend more time away from him. As long as I could be his and he could be mine, thats all that matters to me.

 

I'm sorry you took such offense to what I posted, but I would fight and die for this man. It seems to come through with someone criticizes my relationship.

 

I have dated in my own town, I've been engaged to a man from my home town. I didn't choose to be with someone so far away. I fell in love. And it just so happened to be with a person who lived that far away from me. And honestly, we were not aware that the only way to be together was to get married. That was not our immediate response to the situation. We were happy just being together. When the time came that he wanted to propose to me that is when I discovered that I had to do a K-1 or a CR-1 to be with him. This was not planned. I have known and been in love with him for over 6 years. We broke up in the past and got back together last July. My heart has always been with him and always will be. For me, there is no other way, there is only him and the happiness that I feel when I'm with him.

 

I don't look for validation in my relationshp, because it is all I want it to be. I have an amazing relationship with a caring and loving man who adores me and whom I adore as well. I'm sure that if we had a choice we would live near each other, no doubt. We would live with each other in a heartbeat. But life didn't deal it's cards that way. He was born there and I was born here. I don't regret my decisions and if I had to live my life over I would do everything exactly the same.

 

Again, I'm sorry if I offended you and made you think that I'm an awful crazy person who doesn't like for people to disagree with me, because it's the opposite. People live to disagree. I just happen to be a hot-headed southerner and certain things hit my angry button. But I'm over it now. Some people get mad when people try and tell them how to parent, I just so happen to get a bit flustered when people try and tell me what I should do and who I should love.

 

Truce?

[Lauriebell82]

Mary: Reading your post, I can see why RR would view that as a very personal attack. You basically invalidated her relationship, a man she is going to marry. Whether that was your intent or not, you still gave off that impression. I'm not suprised RR got defensive about that. I would too and I'm sure you would as well had someone made those comments to you about the love of your life!

 

RR: I wouldn't worry about other's comments. I know that's hard to do but as someone whose relationship has been slammed and invalidated I can say that people on LS, although they are trying to be helpful, can be very judgemental about a relationship that they do not know. It happens. You are the only one who counts, not anyone else. Remember that.

 

As far as LDR goes, I don't agree that they spell disaster. If a couple is compatible it wont' matter whether they live far apart or not. But FWIW, my fiance and I only saw each other on the weekends for the first 2 some years of our relationship. We went straight into living together and I have to say that I didn't see any drastically new or annoying behaviors that I didn't already know. If we would have contined to see each other on the weekends until our wedding I think we would have maybe had a transitional period (as everyone does) but learned how to deal with each other. Things change, new things need worked out. It's life. I don't agree with the theory that fighting means you are not compatible. It's the WAY you deal with the fight and work things out that make your relationship successful, not the fight itself. I think people tend to forget that.

 

Just my two cents.

[Lauriebell82]

Oh just something to add. This does apply to the OP as well, as she has said she has had some issues regarding finances, cleaning, cooking, employment, ect.

 

Fiance and I argue over cleaning. I'm messy, he's neat=conflict. We've come up with schedules, but circumstances have changed. We needed to develop a new system. After our last argument we sat down and came up with a plan. And it worked! We have not argued since. We have also planned ahead for when I do get a full time job and will need to have another discussion again. THAT is compatibility IMO. Not that fact that we shouldn't have been fighting about it in the first place.

[Mary3]

I am not defensive, but when people try and tell me how I should conduct my relationship I do get annoyed. I am extremely secure in my relationship and my faith in him and us.

 

I want to marry him, he wants to marry me. We have been apart for long enough. Being close to each other is not our reason for marriage. This is what we want. The only reason we didn't do it sooner was so that he could finish his bachelors. We are and have been taking our time. I would gladly and happily spend more time away from him. As long as I could be his and he could be mine, thats all that matters to me.

 

I'm sorry you took such offense to what I posted, but I would fight and die for this man. It seems to come through with someone criticizes my relationship.

 

I have dated in my own town, I've been engaged to a man from my home town. I didn't choose to be with someone so far away. I fell in love. And it just so happened to be with a person who lived that far away from me. And honestly, we were not aware that the only way to be together was to get married. That was not our immediate response to the situation. We were happy just being together. When the time came that he wanted to propose to me that is when I discovered that I had to do a K-1 or a CR-1 to be with him. This was not planned. I have known and been in love with him for over 6 years. We broke up in the past and got back together last July. My heart has always been with him and always will be. For me, there is no other way, there is only him and the happiness that I feel when I'm with him.

 

I don't look for validation in my relationshp, because it is all I want it to be. I have an amazing relationship with a caring and loving man who adores me and whom I adore as well. I'm sure that if we had a choice we would live near each other, no doubt. We would live with each other in a heartbeat. But life didn't deal it's cards that way. He was born there and I was born here. I don't regret my decisions and if I had to live my life over I would do everything exactly the same.

 

Again, I'm sorry if I offended you and made you think that I'm an awful crazy person who doesn't like for people to disagree with me, because it's the opposite. People live to disagree. I just happen to be a hot-headed southerner and certain things hit my angry button. But I'm over it now. Some people get mad when people try and tell them how to parent, I just so happen to get a bit flustered when people try and tell me what I should do and who I should love.

 

Truce?

 

RR I think you should do whatever it is that makes you happy. If this R works for you and makes you happy then thats all that really matters.

 

It does not matter the statistics of LDR's. There will always be those of us who get in them but if you polled us individually I bet no-one would have willingly fell into the LDR. But the love happened...So we deal with it. Some of us make it . Some of us don't.

 

Lauriebell is right when she says fights happen but is what happens after the fight. How you both work through whatever disagreement....

 

It was a therapist who wrote an article about having your first fights and coming through the other side. Thats the biggest part of it...My mom and dad never yelled at eachother and he playfully grabbed her bum bum most of my life. They were married 41 years. She died first and then he went later...They didn't have it in them to have verbal fights.

But then I have known hot tempered couples who fight and they are still together. ITs not the fights as much as it is the aftermath of the fight and how they both dealt with conflict.

[Rollercoasterr]

Mathew and I don't fight a lot. We fight like normal couples do, but most of our arguments consist of what movie to watch or where to go for dinner. When we're apart we don't fight at all. We don't have a reason to anymore. In the beginning we had our squabbles but we matured and we learned how to move past them. It's weird because we both want the same things in life. The only thing I've found that we disagree on is that I want a Lexus and he thinks they're ugly.

 

Every couple fights. It's how you fight that makes the difference.

 

OP, if you're still here, sorry for hijacking your thread.