Bman11 Posted October 26, 2009 Share Posted October 26, 2009 Hello everybody, so my life just got thrown a curve ball and i really need some advice. So my gf and i have been dating for almost three years now, she is 19 and I am 21. we live together, unfortunately at my parents house for the time being, and i love her with all my heart, more than anything in the whole world, she is my everything. The other day she came up to me, and i could totally tell something was wrong, she had taken a pregnancy test which had come out positive, so over the course of a few days she took a couple more all coming out positive, she went to the dr and now we r just waiting for the results. The baby is not the issue, as irresponsible as it was for us to get pregnant, i am excited about the baby and have a steady career so i have no worries about money being an issue, and plan on buying an apartment within the next few months. But this is the question that keeps going threw my mind, should i propose to her? I mean yes we r young, but i know in my heart that we r going to get married eventually anyways so is her being 19 and me 21 to young? we dont have to get married rite away, i just want her and everyone else to know that we r going to b together forever. but is she going to think im doing it becuase we r having a baby? Is that the wrong reason to do it? or is that the right reason to do it? cuz her parents are not fans of having babies out of wedlock. I know this is a long post i just havent told anybody yet and i had to spill to somebody, so i figured why not strangers. Any advice from anybody would b greatly appreciated Thanks everyone Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted October 26, 2009 Share Posted October 26, 2009 cuz her parents are not fans of having babies out of wedlock. IMO, What her parents think at this point means little in the scheme of things.. What matters is you both. Are you a fan of having a child out of wedlock ? Is she ? Personally.. I would do what many would consider the right thing and propose. If you say you are to young then you need to remember that you didn't consider yourself too young to have sex without birth control. I personally would agree that 19 and 21 would be too young in a case where there isn't a baby but you have already both trotted down that path and have decided to grow up faster than most so I don't think age at this point is what should be the forefront.. The baby should be .. and the Mother should be.. Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted October 26, 2009 Share Posted October 26, 2009 Well, first -- congrats on the upcoming birth of your baby! I do agree with AC: it is totally about what you and your girlfriend want. Right now, it really doesn't matter who will perceive you as "too young" -- the bun is ALREADY in the oven, so your ages are a moot point. But. If part of your reason for proposing/getting married sooner than you (both) planned is for "everyone else to know that we r going to b together forever" -- then I'd counsel against that. Do it when it is the 'right' time for you and your girlfriend. "Everyone else" does NOT matter in this very significant decision. You could ask your girlfriend how she feels about getting engaged, period. And you could suggest that perhaps it may be an idea for you both to wait for the reality of the news of her pregnancy to settle in a little bit before making a final decision, one way or another. I don't see it as necessarily the 'right' thing to do -- unless it will promote and support growth, joy, fun and happiness for BOTH of you...and your baby. In the meantime, wishing your girlfriend a healthy and comfortable pregnancy Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bman11 Posted October 26, 2009 Author Share Posted October 26, 2009 Thanks for your advice you two, I also feel like its the right thing to do everything is just happening so fast im scared you know. but excited at the same time. when i said "everyone else to know that we r going to b together forever" i didnt really mean it the way you took it as a negative way, i ment it more like i want everyone, including her, to know how much i love her. I think i will wait a while and see how things go, but i would really love to have the baby born with the mother as my wife and not my girlfriend. Link to post Share on other sites
SincereOnlineGuy Posted October 26, 2009 Share Posted October 26, 2009 The baby is not the issue Um, guess again... as irresponsible as it was for us to get pregnant In response to that initial round of "irresponsibility" (your word, not mine), what makes it any less irresponsible to complicate matters further, perhaps committing yourselves and the baby to situations which have you bound more firmly to one another? If as you say, you "know in your heart that you "r" going to get married (to her) eventually", then there really isn't any harm in letting yourselves become more stable before you make such a huge commitment. Furthermore, the whole "baby out of wedlock" thing is (mostly religious) CRAP! Why should we as a society penalize (ostracize) only the young woman who bought the test at the drugstore and saw the "+" sign. All of those others having sex with one another are juuuuuuuuust as guilty ("in God's eyes") of a sin, even though they didn't fall pregnant. We might as well be playing the lottery when our opinion of someone is altered by the chance that one out of millions of sperm happens to pierce the human egg and create a pregnancy. Next door, a girl of similar age's period is late, and she is equally in fear, but alas, her results are negative. Link to post Share on other sites
ADF Posted October 26, 2009 Share Posted October 26, 2009 I'm going to tell you something I am sure you already know: the chances of a marriage between a 19 year old and a 21 year lasting "forever" are extremely slim. And if you think getting her pregnant was irresponsible, how much more irresponsibile it is to have a child so young? Think about it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bman11 Posted October 26, 2009 Author Share Posted October 26, 2009 wow you guys just keep making me feel worse and worse. Link to post Share on other sites
ADF Posted October 26, 2009 Share Posted October 26, 2009 wow you guys just keep making me feel worse and worse. You asked for advice, not encouragement. This is 2009, not 1785. Both contraception and abortion are readily available. There is something a bit frustrating about listening to a young couple act as if their options are limited when they are not. Take charge of your life. Don't just let life happen to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bman11 Posted October 27, 2009 Author Share Posted October 27, 2009 i never said my options were limited, i was just asking for some advice to make me feel better about the situation. An abortion is readily avaliable but the stupidest thing i have ever heard of anyways thanks ronni and art, your advice worked out well. Gf and i had a long talk, and talked with some friends and family and things are going to be just find. got lots of support from our parents. As for marriage i will most likely propose and we will get married after evertyhing has settled down and the baby has been born. Both of our nervs have calmed down and bit and now we r both very excited and cannot wait for the baby to arrive. Link to post Share on other sites
silverfish Posted October 27, 2009 Share Posted October 27, 2009 The most important thing is that you make her feel, and feel yourself, that you love her & want to be with her. You should propose when you are sure about this, and because you love her. I know it sounds ridiculous, but if you are just doing it because it's 'the right thing to do' at some point she might resent it, and it's not going to make her feel that you meant it. Just reassure her that you love her, but tbh, getting married when you are pregnant is a bit crass these days - wait a few years til the baby is born, and you can have a proper honeymoon, she can get a great dress etc. Also, babies at their parents wedding is fairly normal. Link to post Share on other sites
boogieboy Posted October 27, 2009 Share Posted October 27, 2009 A baby will be a serious strain on your relationship and finances, so you should wait probably a year before getting engaged. You may not think it will, but it sure will. You guys still havent matured yet, and you are going to be thrust into parenthood. Many kids cant handle this kind of thing. Between 18 and 25 is when people find themselves and make serious changes in themselves. Throwing a baby into this mix really throws a monkey wrench the works, so be careful. Because once you get married, if it doesnt work out, divorce is extremely messy. Take care of the kid first, take care of yourselves first...if you are going to be together forever like you think you will, marriage isnt going to change anything, so theres no point in rushing into it. And for god sakes, use condoms after the baby is born. Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted October 28, 2009 Share Posted October 28, 2009 anyways thanks ronni and art, your advice worked out well. Gf and i had a long talk, and talked with some friends and family and things are going to be just find. got lots of support from our parents. As for marriage i will most likely propose and we will get married after evertyhing has settled down and the baby has been born. Both of our nervs have calmed down and bit and now we r both very excited and cannot wait for the baby to arrive. I'm super-glad to hear that, Bman! I'm excited for you and, again, congrats to you both :bunny: ... and also to your child's future grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc. There's lots to learn and plan for, and you're going to be inundated with "advice"...solicited and not. My suggestion is to just take what feels 'right' and makes sense to you; trust yourselves as much as you will trust all those who have and are role-modeling the kinds of parents that you two want to be. Hugs and good wishes. Link to post Share on other sites
SincereOnlineGuy Posted October 28, 2009 Share Posted October 28, 2009 The most important thing is ... still the baby !!! How can anyone here interpret this differently??? Link to post Share on other sites
silverfish Posted October 30, 2009 Share Posted October 30, 2009 ... still the baby !!! How can anyone here interpret this differently??? I don't believe in staying together for the sake of the children especially when the child is not even born yet. But yes, of course the baby is important Link to post Share on other sites
Peaceful Guy Posted October 31, 2009 Share Posted October 31, 2009 But this is the question that keeps going threw my mind, should i propose to her? I mean yes we r young, but i know in my heart that we r going to get married eventually anyways so is her being 19 and me 21 to young? we dont have to get married rite away, i just want her and everyone else to know that we r going to b together forever. but is she going to think im doing it becuase we r having a baby? Is that the wrong reason to do it? or is that the right reason to do it? cuz her parents are not fans of having babies out of wedlock. i think you should talk to her about it and decide together. also, it sounds like you really really care about this person and i think that's awesome. forget the parents, that's you now!! you two do what YOU think is right! Link to post Share on other sites
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