Okay I'm going to be nasty now.... Apologies....

[Fallen Angel]

Because women are evil biatches who use sex to lure men in in order to get men to marry them.. that's why girlfriends will provide "costumes, scenarios, lotions, potions, kink" and why wives do not.

 

Your wife is just using you, I feel so badly for you, she owes you BJ's, she should be crawling on all 4's naked begging you to do her, after all, plenty of younger, hotter babes with tighter bodies would love to sexor you.

 

Is that what you need to hear TDP?

 

LMAO! BRAVO!!!! (as you see we were brushed away as having erroneous opinions.. I give up.. you should too, it is a waste of time and energy.)

Edited October 26, 2009 by Fallen Angel

[soserious1]

Don't patronize me or other males here..... I on the other hand am truly, truly sorry for what your spouse has put you through......

 

And I have said it before..... Believe me I am one of the lucky ones on this site.....

 

I'm not patronizing anybody, what I am doing to pointing out that you have rejected every single answer provided here by dozens of people.

 

You want wild, passionate sex, you want to be the guy who's wife dresses in the leather outfits crawling on the floor begging you to do her and you're not getting that action and you are pissed, you are so pissed your anger and resentment are palpable thru my computer monitor.

 

Your age peer friends are out there banging, young, tight bodied women... you're stuck doing the dishes, buying flowers and "helping out" with your kids in the hope that your wife might open her legs for a few minutes this week.

 

Now, here's the difficult question.. what is a wild, passionate sexual life worth to you, what are you going to do about this situation?

 

Btw, I am a highly sexual person so I am not finding fault with you on that score, what I'm saying is that you can't force anybody to have

the same level of desire you have and ultimately we are each responsible for our own happiness. Now what are you going to do to ensure your sexual

happiness?

Edited October 26, 2009 by soserious1

[EmmaLou]

I doubt I have any useful advice to contribute TDP, but just wanted to post saying I'm a woman in a similar situation. My boyfriend has always had a low sex drive. It's taken me a while to get my head around the idea because.... He's always feeling my bum, boobs, kissing me constantly, telling me how much he fancies me, constant I love You's without me saying it first... how he puts me on a pedestal, LOVES sex when it happens, loves the blowjobs I give.. yet we can go for weeks without it and he's fine, he only watches porn every few months aswell. (I know because he gets home from work and he wants to be next to me the rest of the night) and I know all the tricks with computers so would know anyway. I don't put any pressure on him to perform and don't expect orgams, but really enjoy sex and its very mutually enjoyable and passionate for both of us. He gets hard as soon as he touches me, lasts for around 30 minutes and always cums. He's definitely not gay. He wants to marry me (I never even mentioned it) and is always worried I will leave him.

It's also been hard to accept because society is full of horndog men, porn is made mostly for men, most of the male friends I've had have been horny at the flick of a switch, my two brothers were too. All men everywhere seem horny horny horny! It's only since coming to forums like these that I now know that men can have low sex drives too. You just never hear about these in the wider media.. and males you know in real life would never admit to it.

 

Yesterday, I gently confronted him about it.. again... and he just said it was due to stress, he smokes ALOT of weed and also gets very tired. I will accept it though as I love him, he gives me ALOT of affection (infact sometimes I think he prefers cuddles!) and I don't want this mercy sex people talk about, as it would be such a turn off for me if he were to have sex with me when he didn't feel like it.

 

Sorry again for gatecrashing! I just wanted to say that it happens to us girls too.

 

I hope you find a solution. xx

[Toodamnpragmatic]

And there you have it a two-way street and certainly you are not gate-crashing:)..... However here the answer is simple.... He smokes too much weed. I have a friend who is probably the same. he'd happily go to a party and want to crash there smoking, then leave at a decent time, after a decent amount of weed and drinks with his wife.....

 

It was all about smoking winning out over sex.

 

Tell your BF if he loves you to cut back on the weed and see the results.....

 

I doubt I have any useful advice to contribute TDP, but just wanted to post saying I'm a woman in a similar situation. My boyfriend has always had a low sex drive. It's taken me a while to get my head around the idea because.... He's always feeling my bum, boobs, kissing me constantly, telling me how much he fancies me, constant I love You's without me saying it first... how he puts me on a pedestal, LOVES sex when it happens, loves the blowjobs I give.. yet we can go for weeks without it and he's fine, he only watches porn every few months aswell. (I know because he gets home from work and he wants to be next to me the rest of the night) and I know all the tricks with computers so would know anyway. I don't put any pressure on him to perform and don't expect orgams, but really enjoy sex and its very mutually enjoyable and passionate for both of us. He gets hard as soon as he touches me, lasts for around 30 minutes and always cums. He's definitely not gay. He wants to marry me (I never even mentioned it) and is always worried I will leave him.

It's also been hard to accept because society is full of horndog men, porn is made mostly for men, most of the male friends I've had have been horny at the flick of a switch, my two brothers were too. All men everywhere seem horny horny horny! It's only since coming to forums like these that I now know that men can have low sex drives too. You just never hear about these in the wider media.. and males you know in real life would never admit to it.

 

Yesterday, I gently confronted him about it.. again... and he just said it was due to stress, he smokes ALOT of weed and also gets very tired. I will accept it though as I love him, he gives me ALOT of affection (infact sometimes I think he prefers cuddles!) and I don't want this mercy sex people talk about, as it would be such a turn off for me if he were to have sex with me when he didn't feel like it.

 

Sorry again for gatecrashing! I just wanted to say that it happens to us girls too.

 

I hope you find a solution. xx

[TheLoneSock]

Just because they are with-holding it from you doesn't mean they aren't getting it

[EmmaLou]

And there you have it a two-way street and certainly you are not gate-crashing:)..... However here the answer is simple.... He smokes too much weed. I have a friend who is probably the same. he'd happily go to a party and want to crash there smoking, then leave at a decent time, after a decent amount of weed and drinks with his wife.....

 

It was all about smoking winning out over sex.

 

Tell your BF if he loves you to cut back on the weed and see the results.....

 

You're right, and I know he is desperate to quit too.. But I'm not a nag and hate pushing people. He comes in from work, rolls a spliff, and never leaves the house the whole night. (so ner LoneSock ^^- not every withholder is banging someone else... but many do! ) He's addicted to the mindset as it helps block out thoughts of something bad which happened in his childhood. I'll put more effort into encouraging and helping him tackle the addiction. Thankyou...

[Angel1111]

I always tried to act in relationships the same way I acted when dating - we held hands, kissed, were affectionate, etc. I found that it was the guy who changed after marriage and it made me nuts. However, this did not affect our sex life. Having a child didn't affect our sex life either so I never understood any of the sex issues. As far as I'm concerned, the husband and wife come first, then everything else comes after that. And, no, I'm not talking about abandoning or mistreating a child or any such nonsense. I'm just saying that when the husband and wife - the very foundation of the family - don't put their needs first and don't nurture their relationship, everything else falls apart.

 

From what I've read, the ones who complain about having no sex don't seem to have partners that enjoy sex. I've come to learn that there are a lot of women out there who marry and have kids and are perfectly happy to control the man through his kids and money. Those are powerful things and, sadly, it usually works. What I've never understood is why these women are happy doing this. I wouldn't want a man to be with me unless he loved me, not because it would mean losing his kids or would cost him money. This is a topic that I've just never understood.

[EmmaLou]

I wouldn't want a man to be with me unless he loved me, not because it would mean losing his kids or would cost him money. This is a topic that I've just never understood.

 

Me too, this is something that makes me quite sad... I wouldn't want my man to be with me/do anything for me unless it's out of love. People need to value themselves more.

[Mr. Lucky]

SHE is struggling for power by withholding, while he just wants his wife to want him again.

Agree, but why would she do that? And especially why when, on those occasions she "gives in", she seems to have a good time? Why is she using sex (again, maybe not a conscious decision) to balance the books?

 

That's the question TDP should be asking himself. Not why does she withold, but what does she gain by doing so? Because if all he wants is 20 minutes twice a week, it's certainly not a huge task time-wise for her to cooperate. So this must be about something more than schedules...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Phateless]

Because women are evil biatches who use sex to lure men in in order to get men to marry them.. that's why girlfriends will provide "costumes, scenarios, lotions, potions, kink" and why wives do not.

 

Your wife is just using you, I feel so badly for you, she owes you BJ's, she should be crawling on all 4's naked begging you to do her, after all, plenty of younger, hotter babes with tighter bodies would love to sexor you.

 

Is that what you need to hear TDP?

 

Exactly the kind of over reactive behavior that men hate.

 

Why don't you answer the question straight-up instead of getting defensive and sarcastic? Grow up.

[Phateless]

Agree, but why would she do that? And especially why when, on those occasions she "gives in", she seems to have a good time? Why is she using sex (again, maybe not a conscious decision) to balance the books?

 

That's the question TDP should be asking himself. Not why does she withold, but what does she gain by doing so? Because if all he wants is 20 minutes twice a week, it's certainly not a huge task time-wise for her to cooperate. So this must be about something more than schedules...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I have no idea... I think that's what drives us insane. It gets turned into something 20 times bigger than it is based on underlying fears that have nothing to do with us, yet it is somehow our responsibility to overcome these fears that aren't our own for the other person.

[Fallen Angel]

Exactly the kind of over reactive behavior that men hate.

 

Why don't you answer the question straight-up instead of getting defensive and sarcastic? Grow up.

 

The question has been answered, over and over and over again, but unless you say exactly what he wants to hear (or happen to have a penis instead of a vagina) your opinion on the matter is completely invalid and of absolutely no consequence to TDP.

[Phateless]

The question has been answered, over and over and over again, but unless you say exactly what he wants to hear (or happen to have a penis instead of a vagina) your opinion on the matter is completely invalid and of absolutely no consequence to TDP.

 

Not true. Most people in this thread have been suggesting things that come very early in the thought process. He's already much further ahead and has ruled out all the elementary, OBVIOUS things that most people are suggesting.

 

He's trying to analyze this on a deeper and broader level. He's asking what drives this and he's getting basic responses of what to do. He's asking how to write poetry and people are suggesting ABCs.

[Fallen Angel]

Not true. Most people in this thread have been suggesting things that come very early in the thought process. He's already much further ahead and has ruled out all the elementary, OBVIOUS things that most people are suggesting.

 

He's trying to analyze this on a deeper and broader level. He's asking what drives this and he's getting basic responses of what to do. He's asking how to write poetry and people are suggesting ABCs.

 

But this is not his first thread on this topic, I think he is beating a dead horse because no matter what we try to explain as the reasons why in OUR OPINIONS AS WOMEN this could be happening in his marriage our views our swept away as being invalid responses.

 

If he only wants a male perspective than he should make that clear, but since he is asking about what occurs in the mind of a woman, I think perhaps we women have much more to offer in this case.

 

You don't ask an 18 year old girl about the mind of an octogenarian male and expect to get a good answer. Much better to ask another 80 year old man, correct?

[Phateless]

The reasons he's getting are throwing responsibility back at him. He's wanting reasons that are isolated to her, that are not conditional.

 

Why does she change in the first place?

[giotto]

beating a dead horse... quite right! I admire TDP for his stubborness - obvisouly he cares a lot about his wife and his marriage - but, personally, I stopped asking myself these questions because - simply - I don't know the answer... and I don't care anymore! We don't have sex that often, but when we have it it's great, she enjoys it enormously and orgasms every time...

 

Why doesn't she want it more often? As many of the women here have said, life is indeed busy. I'm sure she is tired (she works shifs), the kids have a "ridiculous number of needs" as NowhereToHide brilliantly put it, I probably work too much (to pay for the lifestyle) and therefore I'm unavailable emotionally, she probably doesn't like me that much anymore (lol), she'd rather read a good book/eat chocolate... dog, cats, children come before me... I've accepted it now, after having my mid-life crisis (we even separated at some point)... I have done some growing-up and sex is not at the top of my agenda either... having said that, I would like more, but - surprise, surprise - she is on the phone to her sister...

[giotto]

That's the question TDP should be asking himself. Not why does she withold, but what does she gain by doing so? Because if all he wants is 20 minutes twice a week, it's certainly not a huge task time-wise for her to cooperate. So this must be about something more than schedules...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

it's about knowing that he really wants it and that puts her under pressure and ultimately off it... when they have sex, she is in the mood and therefore she enjoys it... that's what I learned in my marriage... frustrating, maybe, but - as we all know - it's all in the head for women...

[Toodamnpragmatic]

It is about all the males who complain about the same thing here or in private..... Giotto has the answer...... His wife doesn't like him a whole lot;). But sometimes when her needs have to be met and as part of their agreement, they do have sex and it is vigorous and good.....

 

Maybe it is exactly the same with me (though probably not as vigorous:p).... My wife is easily stressed by things around the house and other things take huge priority over sex..... Frankly that is what I do not understand. Yes I get it, men (me) put sex at the top, women well down the list..... And yes I get it that we need to learn to live with it....

 

Yes for FallenAngel and Soserious, we are actually better off then almost every couple I know in almost every way (and that probably includes sex unfortunately)..... Maybe we just run in the wrong circle of friends but from the outside looking in our marriage is very strong. We spend time together, have our own interests, have good kids and spend time on the couch with her feet up on me and actually sleep together and spoon (little things that are important). And heck we've been together 23+ years.....

 

But this post is a general question for all men (not me, as I know deeper issues we need to work on) who just ask for some more and wonder why it is such a big deal and a source of anger, consternation and a power struggle..... and all the while the sex is enjoyable if we use a measuring stick of good=orgasm......

 

Giotto, I too have matured and am okay for the most part, but that does not stop me from asking the question, especially when I read another post that triggers these feelings......

 

beating a dead horse... quite right! I admire TDP for his stubborness - obvisouly he cares a lot about his wife and his marriage - but, personally, I stopped asking myself these questions because - simply - I don't know the answer... and I don't care anymore! We don't have sex that often, but when we have it it's great, she enjoys it enormously and orgasms every time...

 

Why doesn't she want it more often? As many of the women here have said, life is indeed busy. I'm sure she is tired (she works shifs), the kids have a "ridiculous number of needs" as NowhereToHide brilliantly put it, I probably work too much (to pay for the lifestyle) and therefore I'm unavailable emotionally, she probably doesn't like me that much anymore (lol), she'd rather read a good book/eat chocolate... dog, cats, children come before me... I've accepted it now, after having my mid-life crisis (we even separated at some point)... I have done some growing-up and sex is not at the top of my agenda either... having said that, I would like more, but - surprise, surprise - she is on the phone to her sister...

Edited October 27, 2009 by Toodamnpragmatic

[hopeful1980]

Tood, I think you feel like the posts are always thrown back on what you should be doing because that's the only thing you can control. You can't control your wife even if you do figure out what she doesn't want sex. You can only control yourself, so at the end of the day you have to figure out what YOU can do to make this situation better.

 

Stop trying to figure her out and figure out what you are doing wrong because at the end of the day that's all you can do.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

that is why I do not want these posts and am very deliberate to not make them about myself. I talk about generalities and all men who feel like I do (or so I think)....

 

The reason I post about this issue or answer those who ask questions, is that this is the only major issue I see in my marriage...... I am overall a happy person and the only thing sticking in my craw is that sex is not as much as I want..... Other issues I brush under the carpet as being minor or not nearly as important. Yes I am shallow and probably too hung up on that point (and yes there are reasons for that I am sure and do know)..... But that is a simple fact....

 

 

 

Tood, I think you feel like the posts are always thrown back on what you should be doing because that's the only thing you can control. You can't control your wife even if you do figure out what she doesn't want sex. You can only control yourself, so at the end of the day you have to figure out what YOU can do to make this situation better.

 

Stop trying to figure her out and figure out what you are doing wrong because at the end of the day that's all you can do.

[giotto]

Stop trying to figure her out and figure out what you are doing wrong because at the end of the day that's all you can do.

 

I think the reason why he is trying to figure this out is because he doesn't believe he is doing anything wrong... and he might be right... maybe he is not, but we can only discuss the facts he is giving us...

[hopeful1980]

It is about all the males who complain about the same thing here or in private..... Giotto has the answer...... His wife doesn't like him a whole lot;). But sometimes when her needs have to be met and as part of their agreement, they do have sex and it is vigorous and good.....

 

Maybe it is exactly the same with me (though probably not as vigorous:p).... My wife is easily stressed by things around the house and other things take huge priority over sex..... Frankly that is what I do not understand. Yes I get it, men (me) put sex at the top, women well down the list..... And yes I get it that we need to learn to live with it....

 

Yes for FallenAngel and Soserious, we are actually better off then almost every couple I know in almost every way (and that probably includes sex unfortunately)..... Maybe we just run in the wrong circle of friends but from the outside looking in our marriage is very strong. We spend time together, have our own interests, have good kids and spend time on the couch with her feet up on me and actually sleep together and spoon (little things that are important). And heck we've been together 23+ years.....

 

But this post is a general question for all men (not me, as I know deeper issues we need to work on) who just ask for some more and wonder why it is such a big deal and a source of anger, consternation and a power struggle..... and all the while the sex is enjoyable if we use a measuring stick of good=orgasm......

 

Giotto, I too have matured and am okay for the most part, but that does not stop me from asking the question, especially when I read another post that triggers these feelings......

 

Well, I can only speak for myself, but it's not a power struggle and the only people see angry over it are husbands.

 

Even though I know sex will be enjoyable when my husband and I engage in the act, sometimes I'm just too tired. I know it's been said over and over again, but it's true. That's not the only activity I forgo for sleep. There are others things I like to do that I choose sleep over as well. I'm just not as motivated as my husband to have sex and that's the bottom line.

 

On the other hand, my husband will not sleep to do things he enjoys. That goes for anything. He'll play video games until 2am when he knows he has to get up early. He's never too tired to do something he likes to do. I'm not like that. I do get too tired to do even the things I enjoy. Simple as that.

[hopeful1980]

I think the reason why he is trying to figure this out is because he doesn't believe he is doing anything wrong... and he might be right... maybe he is not, but we can only discuss the facts he is giving us...

 

He has to be because he's not getting the results he wants. That is the fact of the matter.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Damn close, but not perfect.... We all have warts and I know I have my share. I think they are minor, my spouse may think otherwise..... But that is why as a man it is difficult to understand why it seems to affect sex more then anything else in the relationship..... We as males are happy to overlook a lot to have sex.....

 

BTW my spouse is always tired too.... Nothing sadder then when my spouse does say she was in the mood, but was too tired (or fell asleep)..... Must be something in the air.....

 

I know FallenAngel and soserious want to hear about that long list.....

 

 

He has to be because he's not getting the results he wants. That is the fact of the matter.

[hopeful1980]

Damn close, but not perfect.... We all have warts and I know I have my share. I think they are minor, my spouse may think otherwise..... But that is why as a man it is difficult to understand why it seems to affect sex more then anything else in the relationship..... We as males are happy to overlook a lot to have sex.....

 

BTW my spouse is always tired too.... Nothing sadder then when my spouse does say she was in the mood, but was too tired (or fell asleep)..... Must be something in the air.....

 

I know FallenAngel and soserious want to hear about that long list.....

 

It will never be perfect.

 

I'm sorry your wife is too tired, because I honestly believe she wants to give you want you so desperately want but she doesn't know how to do it with all the other things going on in her life and inside her mind. That's how I felt.

 

I had to make the decision to take other things off of my plate so that I could make sex a priority. I made the decision to put it on the to-do list for myself and my husband so that our marriage will last. It wasn't anything my husband did, I just made that choice and I'm sticking to it because I know it's important. I'm not going to lie and say I always feel like initiating sex, but I know my husband doesn't always feel like listening to how my day was so I show him some empathy. We're still young, but I'm going to try to hold up my end of the bargain for the duration.