Okay I'm going to be nasty now.... Apologies....

[Texsun65]

Just ao add this to the female denial that is going on here, I have the following comment. Once I called my wife out on it she finally realized that she had been using sex as a tool. She indicated that it was not a conscious decision, it was just something that happened. I partly believe that, but I also know that I have heard her and a few of her friends when they have been drinking a few that they have "the power" and the "power" is what's between their legs. They laugh and it is a joke, but come on! To be fair, my wife and her friends are smart, educated, decent, caring and generaly very normal people, so I don't want to give you the impression she is some sort of fringe "diva" because that is not ture. But, the fact is that somewhere back in womenms minds, the know they have " the power" and some use it for "good" and others "for bad".

 

Those that use it to manipulate their men think that it is great and helps them get what they need, like the dishes done or the laundry or whatever. But what they don't realize is that it also kills within their husbands what they once loved about them. These big strong, confident and spontaneous men turn into snivelling little dogs walking around tryiing to please the master "her". The wives lose repect for their men becuase th stop acting like men and start acting like wussies. But, they fail to see that it is thier stringing them along by witholdiing from them is what has created what they now hate about their men. You manipulators think you are som damn smart and so much smarter than your men, but your genious is what kills your love for your own husband.

 

Once we men finally figure it out and end the game, it is usually too late. I resent like hell the fact that I was played for year, conciously or not, I cannot take knowing the fact that my wife would do this to me. I can see this same scenraio played out time and again and the women say the same ****. We can't help it if we just don't like sex or don't love our men anymore. All of this faux outrage makes me sick especially knowing that at the same time you are saying this you are also dandlging the carrot of sex in front of our gace while telling us to do the dishes and you'll get some, mow the yard, do laundry, stop hanging out with your friends, make more money, be more responsible, don't drink and smoke so much, on and on and on and on. Out of love and respect for my life, for years and years I have transformed my life at the request of my wife all the while hoping to get back the funky nasty love. I am a totally different person than when we married. I was a party 24/7, party like rockstar, have sex like a porn star and to hell with worrying about tomorrow type of guy and she loved it. Now, I am a professiona that has built a great home and a great life for my family. I rarely do anything with anybody outside of the home. When I am not at work I am at home because that is where I want to be.

 

I transformed my life to meet the demands and to get it back and it never came back. She never intended to put the great sex back in our life because she didn't want to. She used the convenient fact that she does not like sex as a tool to manipulate me. I called her out on it time and again and I do think she finally sees the truth in it, but my mind has chnged. I am bitter, angry and hurt. She has been more available for sex and been more open to doing more, but the fact that she fought me for 10 years just doesn't dissappear. I know she doesn't want it so its like screwing a hooker.

 

So, all you women who are so smart, so smug and so sure that you would never do anything like this, wake up and look in the mirror. You all think that because men are pigs and all we want is sex that its ok not to give it. Fine, don't give, ruin your marriage, blame your husband, whatever, but you are not fooling me!

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Again how sad..... I feel for you....

[giotto]

So, all you women who are so smart, so smug and so sure that you would never do anything like this, wake up and look in the mirror. You all think that because men are pigs and all we want is sex that its ok not to give it. Fine, don't give, ruin your marriage, blame your husband, whatever, but you are not fooling me!

 

Your story is very sad, although I don't believe all women are so manipulative or do this to inflict pain and/or control their husbands. I believe there are many women who actually don't really know what's going on and don't have an answer. They just go off sex. They want to keep the family together, so they start giving mercy sex (see other thread). My bone of contention is a simple one: honesty. I would expect a wife to be honest with her husband, telling the truth instead of burying her head under the sand and hope the problem would go away. Unfortunately, it doesn't... it only gets worse. That's why I'm planning my exit in a not very distant future...

[Neutrino]

I understand that my husband is not a woman, but it seems some men think women should have the same sexual needs and desires they have. We don't. We don't think about it in the same way, we don't think about it as often, we don't want it as much, and we have other things we'd rate right up there with sex like eating chocolate or a good book and a hot bath.

 

Accept that your wife isn't as sexual as you are and you're half way there. It seems you just don't want to accept it.

 

** This is directed at some other posters too like texsun65....

 

It is so annoying when some people with this one word "WE" completely erase the individual's right to be who they are.

 

There is no "WE", not all the women (or men or blacks or even asians) are exactly the same - this is not a production line.

 

To ME having sex with someone I find hot (the BF luckily) is a hell of a lot more enjoyable than stuffing my face with 5 kg of chocolate that my body really doesn't need, slow-cooking in my own warm foot-water, or reading some brain-degenerating cheap romance....

 

This is nothing against the posters, but we all have the right to be the individuals we are and it pisses me off to be classified into this category because of a stupid stereotype... Maybe this kind of generalization is what prevents some of you from addressing the individual problems (with their individual causes) in your relationships - I hope I manage to do better in mine.... Eventually

 

So please, do not use the word "WE" it is offensive to the non-indoctrinated.

 

I do not wish at all to control my partner - he should be intelligent enough to know by himself what the best thing is (according to his own wishes) - and if he doesn't (or our wishes contradict) - I'm better off knowing it now rather than 10 years further.

 

And more to the topic : IMO there is a fundamental difference whether it is the act that became boring, or the desire for sex in general that is gone. I think if all desire is gone - high probability it is chemical - hormones that the body once made are missing - this would be the first thing I would check - hormone levels and their receptors.

 

This may sound a bit radical : did your wife ever try to take viagra ? I read somewhere it effects some women too...

Edited November 4, 2009 by Neutrino

[Texsun65]

The thing is, when we do have sex she does orgasm. It has taken me a lot of time, patience and effort to figure out what "works" for her, but over the years I have figured out how to make it enjoyable for her. She has gone from rarely orgasmic to where she does orgasm almost everytime. And despite it all, she seems to resent it.

 

She knew when we got married that I have a high sex drive. She stated that it was not a problem for her and never indicated in any way that she was not happy and willing to be a participant. But soon after marriage, the great decline began. I come to find out that it she is too tired, it takes too much effort and oh, by the way, a bunch of stuff that we have been doing, I never liked anyway. Then the list of demands. Make her life easier. Do dishes, take out trash, clean house, make more money, mow yard, stop hanging with firends, stop partying, stop your hobbies, bet at home. On and on and on!!! Well, I did it all and then some. I have become like freaking Ward Cleaver. Of course, now I am boring.

 

At times all I was asking her to do as lay there and let me do whatever, which always included her having an orgasm. Having an orgasm took too much effort, she said. Is 10-15 minutes too much effort? Too much effor tfor an orgasm? Whataver!

 

Of course, this process turns me into a bitter and angry man, so now I am an *******. Well, no ****! Years and years of this crap would make anyone an a-hole.

 

Wives have the power to lift up their husbands by giving them unconditional ove and support which includes physical love, or they can chose to use physcial love as a tool and a means to manipulate their husbands. This may get the dishes washed and all of the other stuff on the "list" done, but it makes for one horrible home life and then she has the nerve to blame me for being a jerk? Please! I realize not all women are the same, but many are. Many of these marriages end in divorce and then who is the big a-hole? The husband! It is an outrage.

 

I think at some level she sees what has happened and what her role in it has been, but I cannot forget. I can't forget that she basically told me that almost every single act ouf our lovemaking was not important to her, she really didn't like it at all and wished we never had to do it. She told me she doesn't like to kiss, hug, show affection, have her breast rubbed, sucked, her ass grabbed, getting a massage, oral sex given to her and of course not giving it to me. You name it, she doesn't like it and for years she blamed it on me due to the dishes, laundry and so on. The truth is she just doesn't like it, but she used that as a way to manipulate me. And now I am an a-hole? Whatever! I have also heard and seen this same crap pulled by way of stories on this sight as well as personal stories from friends. Obviously, all women are not the same, but many are. The crazy thing is that she always comes via oral sex, but she resists it more than any other act. So, every time I make love to her, each and every act of that process, my mind knows she hates it because she has told me so. She has decided to give in to my needs to make love, I think because she could see that I did was not going to put up with her crap and the "jig was up" on her manipulation. Also, she could see that I was about to lose it and leave the marriage. But, the sex is so hollow and meaningless because I know the truth.

 

Sometimes I think I might just turn gay because then I bet no one would complain about sucking my @#$%.

 

But many women know, the have the PU$$y and they also hold the trump card of your children and their custody in their hands, so they do whatever they want. They lead their men around by the short hair and are then outraged that he is a jerk. Witches!

 

She thought she had it all figured out. She is smarter than God and biology and she was gonna deny me what a man needs and use it as her power over me, she just forgot that this could create a man who is bitter and angry and one the she despised. She created one big *******. See, she thought that she could get what she wanted and I would remain this wonderful man that she married, but it hasn't worked out that way. Now she probably doesn't love me, but she doesn't want the marriage to end and I am a bitter and angry *******. How smart is she now?

[Toodamnpragmatic]

How 'bout it Fallen Angel, I'm sure you must have something to say here???? I apologize FA, but I still smart from your comments about my "general" posts and yet not a peep to Texsun65....

 

And all the anger from a spouse who does orgasm, which goes back to the actual OP and my questions.....

 

I'd too be more then bitter in this case......

 

Again how sad a post.....

[Untouchable_Fire]

The thing is, when we do have sex she does orgasm. It has taken me a lot of time, patience and effort to figure out what "works" for her, but over the years I have figured out how to make it enjoyable for her. She has gone from rarely orgasmic to where she does orgasm almost everytime. And despite it all, she seems to resent it.

 

Tex,

 

I've read your post and I can tell your steamed, but you have not really described whats really going on in your marriage.

 

Look, I'm a guy and I went through this thing too, so I know the drill.

 

You think your wife isn't interested in sex anymore. Have you considered that she just isn't interested i sex with you? I don't say that in a mean way... I say that to make you think perhaps you are doing some things that turn her off.

 

How is your level of intimacy with her? How romantic are you?

 

Honestly, I don't think doing chores really turns most women on. That list she gave you was probably something she THOUGHT would fix the problem but didn't.

 

Just consider this stuff.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

But he did explain that..... He claims early when the situation arose he did those things he "thought" needed to be done. Unless I missed something he has had the talks, done the romance, discussed his needs..... The result is eerily common.

 

Again we are back to that she is not interested in sex with him comment, which is a sad indictment. Does it happen? Yes, but I really don't understand the why's, unless they are completely selfish and wired as such narcissistic beings, when there is a loving spouse. Falling out of love I understand, this "not interested in sex with him" I find completely shallow and a nasty comment.

 

What I read is a powerplay from her. Again she enjoys sex in my simple equation orgasm=good..... Tex however has, as opposed to other males who have posted, really been blunt and had said enough is enough and voiced his opinion loudly.

 

I see nowhere where it seems she does not want to have sex with him.... Maybe yes she has fell out of love with him, but read the posts and what she said and how......

 

 

 

Tex,

 

I've read your post and I can tell your steamed, but you have not really described whats really going on in your marriage.

 

Look, I'm a guy and I went through this thing too, so I know the drill.

 

You think your wife isn't interested in sex anymore. Have you considered that she just isn't interested i sex with you? I don't say that in a mean way... I say that to make you think perhaps you are doing some things that turn her off.

 

How is your level of intimacy with her? How romantic are you?

 

Honestly, I don't think doing chores really turns most women on. That list she gave you was probably something she THOUGHT would fix the problem but didn't.

 

Just consider this stuff.

Edited November 5, 2009 by Toodamnpragmatic

[giotto]

and we go back to my "honesty" question... if she was an honest person, she would just divorce her husband, since she knows that a sexless marriage is not an option for him. What's this "stringing people along" business? What's the aim of this kind of behaviour in a marriage, especially if there are no children involved?

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Personally I think she is lying and simply refuses to see a Psychologist to get to the bottom of her "issues".

 

She enjoys sex, but has severe hang-ups about the act. She likes oral, but can't lose control and enjoy as it means letting go.

 

She is sexually dysfunctional, but that was not asked in Texsun65's emails and frankly I did not want to bring it up.

 

This goes beyond IC or MC in my opinion.

 

and we go back to my "honesty" question... if she was an honest person, she would just divorce her husband, since she knows that a sexless marriage is not an option for him. What's this "stringing people along" business? What's the aim of this kind of behaviour in a marriage, especially if there are no children involved?

[Untouchable_Fire]

But he did explain that..... He claims early when the situation arose he did those things he "thought" needed to be done. Unless I missed something he has had the talks, done the romance, discussed his needs..... The result is eerily common.

Again we are back to that she is not interested in sex with him comment, which is a sad indictment. Does it happen? Yes, but I really don't understand the why's, unless they are completely selfish and wired as such narcissistic beings, when there is a loving spouse. Falling out of love I understand, this "not interested in sex with him" I find completely shallow and a nasty comment.

What I read is a powerplay from her. Again she enjoys sex in my simple equation orgasm=good..... Tex however has, as opposed to other males who have posted, really been blunt and had said enough is enough and voiced his opinion loudly.

I see nowhere where it seems she does not want to have sex with him.... Maybe yes she has fell out of love with him, but read the posts and what she said and how......

 

Hey, I can understand that. I did everything I could for nearly a full year and nothing worked.

 

You know what reignited her passion? My hand on the doorknob. The moment she realized I was about to leave for good... I suddenly became the most attractive guy on the planet. It wasn't an act either... that's really what turns her on - Relationship Insecurity. In fact, that works on most women.

 

I understand that some women are just broken... and you can't fix them. That's why I left.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Hey, I can understand that. I did everything I could for nearly a full year and nothing worked.

 

You know what reignited her passion? My hand on the doorknob. The moment she realized I was about to leave for good... I suddenly became the most attractive guy on the planet. It wasn't an act either... that's really what turns her on - Relationship Insecurity. In fact, that works on most women.

 

I understand that some women are just broken... and you can't fix them. That's why I left.

 

And again what a sad indictment and I will be sexist on some females......

[Nikki Sahagin]

I personally think its quite natural to simply lose interest in sex (especially with the same partner).

 

I think its a combination of what everyone has said; marriage, kids, job, chores. Also I think if 1 or both partners are using porn/taking care of themselves, then horniess does not need another person to find an outlet. If she is horny but just taking care of matters herself, maybe if she stopped, the horniness would return for you?

 

Also sex with the same person usually becomes quite predictable. Its very hard for some people to keep it lively and fresh. I'm not really offering much help I realise....but I would say if her sex drive is not there anymore (either it its entirety or for you) and if she has no interest in getting it back you have 3 options:

 

1. leave her

2. live with it

3. either with her permission or against it, have sex elsewhere