5 months after 5 years

[VTJG03]

Okay, here's a complicated mess for anyone who's willing to read it.

 

I met my ex-boyfriend 5 and a half years ago in high school. We weren't friends first, we were assigned to a project together and ended up dating. We made it through high school, through a year of long distance in college, and made it on-and-off with a lot of cheating and lying the last three years at the same college. Most of our breakups were awful, and most of our getting-back-together times were way too fast. After hardly speaking through our senior year of college, we began talking again the night of graduation. After returning to our home town for the summer, we began seeing each other again, slowly. However, there were things that we both had lied about in the past that came up again...and he still had some reasons for not trusting that I was telling him the truth -- about other guys, dating other people, cheating, whatever...I think he even thought I was pretending to be pregnant of something. We were back together for about a month and a half (though not exclusively - even though neither of us was seeing anyone else) when he was stationed in Virginia for the Navy (about seven hours away). He said "I love you" again for the first time the night before he left (around June 12, 2003). We spoke on the phone twice after he left, but he was very busy getting into his new job. We argued the last time we talked...he thought I was lying about something that I was telling the truth about - another guy. I admitted to kissing the guy, but he thought I was holding back that I had done more... he hung up on me and we didn't speak again until the other day when I called him to say hi and see how he was.

Since the last time we've spoken, he's had a girlfriend and broken up with her and I've been looking for a job and trying to move out of NJ. When I called him, I was only calling to see how he was doing and break the ice to see if we could be on decent terms again. We ended up on the phone for two hours. He said if I wanted to be friends, it would be difficult to make him trust me again... and I agreed because he cheated on me alot, and it would be hard to trust him as well.

Today I was thinking: so much has happened between us, shouldn't we hate each other by now?? It's funny, as much as my best friend thinks that we shouldn't talk right now, she thinks we're meant to be together. And, I suppose I agree. But is it even possible to end up happy with someone after going through so much? I know we were young and stupid - cheating and lying and fighting all the time. We tried to break up and take time apart several times, but couldn't stay away from each other...so we ended up being single and not being single at the same time.

Do you think there's a point where you just have to say, "there won't be anymore chances?" I mean, I've said that over and over, but now that we talked again, I don't believe it. I've never believed it. It's like it's never over...and now, even five months later, the feelings are still there, at least on my part. And although I'm not willing to jump back into anything right now, I'm second-guessing where I want to live and what I want to do as a career.... It's so confusing.

I've always believed in fate and things being meant to be, but...I don't know what to believe anymore. We've only spoken once so far. I know him well enough to know that he won't call me anytime soon - if we are to talk again, it'll be my move. He's still hurt by the fact that I "lied to him" even though I didn't. However, it's possible that he'd call later on...down the road. Who knows? Any insight? I've been fine w/out him the past 5 months - I love not having any drama - but the guys I've met and dated are nothing compared to him - even though we had a hard time. It's hard to say...

~L

[Goatsbreath]

Hey, Im in a situation similar to yours. Five years and all the mess that goes along with it. Im not sure what Im going to do either so I prob don't have any useful advice. Im not even sure the chance exist between us even though we both say we were meant to be together but we messed it up. Im having alot of trouble dealing with all the pressure from other people as well. I mean, everyone, my friends, my family, everyone.....says, stay away- you will meet someone new. Then there is the issue of respect. I mean, how can you respect yourself if you put up with so much stuff and then take the person back anyway. And what about trust- how can you rebuild trust, can it be done.

[VTJG03]

Yes, for us trust is the biggest issue. It seems as though every time we get back together, we jump into things so quickly that we're still dealing with our trust issues from before. Everyone I know says stay away for awhile, stay away and things will work out if they were meant to be. I thought maybe this time, now that I'm finally okay without him, maybe we could work out the trust thing as friends first. I figured since he's seven hours away, perhaps I'd give a call, see how things were, and wait another month...call again. Try to reestablish some sort of contact and maybe build some trust from there. Friends say that my calling twice in a row will make it one-sided...I think that's ridiculous. If I'm the one that wants to initiate contact and try to work things out again...then why shouldn't I call? I know him, and he's stubborn, and it could take YEARS for him to call me first. =) Who knows...

 

It's so funny, it's easier to type this all to someone I don't even know than to talk about it with my closest friends. I think the writing about it makes it more clear in my mind. It makes more sense to me when I rationalize it in words that I can see. It's more permanent that way. At least I can come back and read it when I start to doubt myself.

 

My ex said to me the last time we talked: Well, if you want to start talking again, you've got your hands full. I replied, "When don't I with you?" He said, "Actually, I take that back. Once you can get me to talk to you, it's usually you that creates your own obstacles in our relationship. You've got me talking, don't mess it up." My mom thought that sounded like a threat...I thought it sounded pretty damn simple and true. Does that mean I lack self-respect? Or does it mean that I'm finally learning from MY mistakes in the past? SOOOO complicated... But what would life be without love - boring I guess. =)

[VTJG03]

Okay, my ex -- oh I am a little annoyed at the moment -- well, if you read what I wrote previously, my ex and I spoke on the phone after 5 months of not talking. He went on and on about how he couldn't trust me and how if there was anything I thought he should know I'd better tell him now, blah blah blah. I told him about the guy I sort of dated over the summer and about my plans to potentially move to Virginia that he did not know about. I didn't ask him for any info about him, but he didn't come forth with the info that he was currently dating someone. I found out from his away message on Instant Messenger. Maybe he didn't want to argue, maybe he didn't think I had a right to know, maybe he didn't want to hurt me? Either way, I feel like I was honest and he might not have been. Is this my jealousy speaking? Is it okay that he did not mention this? I suppose if we are just going to "attempt" to "maybe" be "friends" -- I guess it doesn't matter...right?=)