Will Anybody Listen??????????????????

[buttons]

Hello to anyone who is kind enough to listen. I met my boyfriend a year and a half ago. When we first started dating we told each other eveything about our past. Well, as time when on some of the things he told me, such as, he had been with 18 girls, one of his ex's cheated on him and wound up pregnant. Which still to this day he does not know if it his or not. After months of dating I found pictures of him and her together under his bed. He had cried, and said he hated her. After seeing her and him, along with many other girls I became very jealous. I accused him of everything in the book. After about 8 months, I learned he had been lying to me about smoking pot. See I truly love this guy, the only thing is I some times feel he takes me for granted. We have now been dating for one year and a half. He has lied to me to have his way. I have been feeling really down the past probably 3 months of our relationship. He does do many things to make me happy or I wouldn't be living with him, but just tonight I learned that he had only had 8 past partners and there was another lie. I have put so much time and effort into us. I have almost went nuts. I can't even watch a movie with him cause I think the only reason he enjoys it is because of sex. I compare my self to every girl I pass or see. I am not happy with my self or body. I don't know why every time I trust someone I get let down. I wish everyday that I was someone else, someone famous, so maybe my boyfriend would drool over me. This is only a part of me there are many good things I left out. But if anyone has any kind of advice that is honest, I will love ya

[D.]

Buttons, him lying about the number of past relationships in order to make himself look more macho, I can understand and dismiss. Him lying to you in order to "have his way" or about "pot smoking" is not excusable.

 

Lying in order to get your way is a vile and hideous form of manipulation. Lying to you about his pot smoking is so unfair to you not only because it is illegal and can also get you into trouble should it be found in your house or in the car if you are pulled over, but it also alters his personality so that you don't get to see the REAL him.

 

Those are his faults and both can POSSIBLY be worked out with couceling and time. If his problems are not addressed and resolved, there can be no meaningful relationship ... because where is the TRUST and HONEST COMMUNICATION? Both things so critical to a loving relationship.

 

Now, it also appears that you need some work on your self-image and self-esteem, too. You said, "I compare my self to every girl I pass or see. I am not happy with my self or body." This means you are not happy with yourself as you are and feel inadequate ... I say you feel inadequate and inferior to other women because you also said, "I wish everyday that I was someone else, someone famous, so maybe my boyfriend would drool over me." Sweetie, you don't need to be "famous" in order to be adored and appreciated for all the wonderful things you are. It simply appears that you don't feel you are too wonderful.

 

Which brings me back to why you are staying with a guy who lies to you, manipulates you, smokes pot thus putting you in danger with the law as well as himself. You are worth so much more and I hope and pray that you snap out of this, get yourself help to improve your self-esteem/self-worth and let him get his own help if he desires. You cannot help him. Do not try. He has to want help and to get it from a professional.

 

Please, look out for yourself right now and get the help YOU need in order to be so happy with yourself that it radiates (and it WILL) and you attract someone who is worthy of YOU~!

[Tony T]

You have attracted this guy to you because YOU have low self esteem. Like attracts like. Your guy has low self esteem as well.

 

You say you are not happy with your body or yourself...so you can probably understand someone else lying to make themselves feel better about themselves. You gotta work on that. It should sadden you that your boyfriend thinks so little of himself as well that he finds he has to lie to make you love him.

 

In relationships, people often lie because they love the other person and want to impress them or keep them from finding out things that would cause them to leave. Plain and simple.

 

I dare say that if EVERY couple were totally honest to each other about themselves, there would be far fewer relationships. Almost everybody's got something in their closet they are ashamed of and figure if they disclose it, the other person will reject them.

 

Rejection is the NUMBER ONE FEAR IN THE WORLD!!!

 

So since your boyfriend feels unworthy in many ways, he has to lie to build himself up...and he has to lie to keep the ones he loves from rejecting him. For him, it's a matter of survival.

 

The only way you can cure this is to create an atmosphere of acceptance, openness, and forgiveness in the relationship. You have to show him you will love him and accept him no matter what the truth is. He has probably lied most of his life, not out of malice, but out of a desperate need to be loved and accepted so it may take you a while to cure him if you're up to the task.

 

Now, I personally would like to know how you were single handedly able to go back into his history a verify that he has been with only 8 girls, not 18. You should certainly consider opening up a private investigation agency. I was a news reporter for many years and would have never taken on an investigative assignment like that.

[Nina]

OK. This is not really a relationship issue.

 

Both of you have problems, He is insecure about himself and feels that he shows you his true self, you will reject him. He probably hid the pot smoking from you because he knew you would disapprove. I know from experience that pot smoking, if done in moderation, will not change your personality or make you a druggie weirdo. I know many professinoal adults who smoke pot occassionally and are perfectly fine.

 

You are insecure about yourself and your body because of undisclosed personal reasons. The reasons for this often lie in past experiences with men, or past experiences with your relationships with friends or family as well.

 

How many times have I said this....Lord, I can't even count. This is not a healthy relaitonship. A healthy relationship is based on real, honest communication. Something is wrong if neither feels comfortable enough to talk about themselves with honsty.

 

Both of you lack purposive orientations in your lives. relationships are not the be-all-end-all of life. You find meaning by doing something affective and positive in your environment. Either by working in a job that is fulfilling that makes you feel worthwhile, or by volunteering, or by having an ultimate goal to work towards.

[billy the kid]

Hey Buttons, first From my past experiences I will never trust a liar, not even a white liar, the old saying fool me once shame on me ect... then again it sounds like you also have some serious personal issues... so even if you feel like you really love this guy leave him before he lies, uses you and really hurts you bad..n even though you don't feel great about your self right now is no reason for you to be abused.. leave him , get some professional help and go on from there..

Hello to anyone who is kind enough to listen. I met my boyfriend a year and a half ago. When we first started dating we told each other eveything about our past. Well, as time when on some of the things he told me, such as, he had been with 18 girls, one of his ex's cheated on him and wound up pregnant. Which still to this day he does not know if it his or not. After months of dating I found pictures of him and her together under his bed. He had cried, and said he hated her. After seeing her and him, along with many other girls I became very jealous. I accused him of everything in the book. After about 8 months, I learned he had been lying to me about smoking pot. See I truly love this guy, the only thing is I some times feel he takes me for granted. We have now been dating for one year and a half. He has lied to me to have his way. I have been feeling really down the past probably 3 months of our relationship. He does do many things to make me happy or I wouldn't be living with him, but just tonight I learned that he had only had 8 past partners and there was another lie. I have put so much time and effort into us. I have almost went nuts. I can't even watch a movie with him cause I think the only reason he enjoys it is because of sex. I compare my self to every girl I pass or see. I am not happy with my self or body. I don't know why every time I trust someone I get let down. I wish everyday that I was someone else, someone famous, so maybe my boyfriend would drool over me. This is only a part of me there are many good things I left out. But if anyone has any kind of advice that is honest, I will love ya

[nelle]

No matter how much you love this person, if he doesn't love himself enough, then there's is no way that he will love you. I've been very much in loved before and I managed to let the feeling died because it wasn't meant to be.

 

Because, you were given life not only for yourself to enjoy and to share it with someone special or with your family BUT you are here to serve and love Someone who created you as well (thou it sounds too religious for you). Believe me, the Lord has His own ways of giving you what is best in His own time. Just do what is right (of course, I know, you know what is right and what must be done) and Someone Above will take care of you. It's now easy but you have to take a step slowly...one by one...Love is a wonderful feeling if you received it from someone who knows the Lord.