Etiquette on texting your Best Friends husband.- possibly infidelity?

[drama6]

I am probably over reacting, but in general what are the "rules" for texting your best friends spouse? We are very good friends with another married couple and my best friend is always texting my husband to see if we want to go to dinner, or if he can pick up their kids, etc. Why wouldn't she just call me or have her husband call my husband? I want to make sure I am not out of line by saying it really did not sit well with me. With all of our married couples, I normally call the wife and talk to her not the husband...just seeing how many of you out there text (daily- or every other day) your friends spouse instead of texting you.

 

 

 

Now for part 2: (I need some direction if I am a crazy woman)

Obviously given my note above, I am not comfortable with my friend texting my husband all the time. Now some coincidences have come up in which my husband is being very sneaky. (will list below). That well known "GUT" feeling set in and I knew something was possibly going on, just did not know with who or if I was "Looking" for something and being dramatic about it. Started doing alot of digging and all signs pointed to my best friend....but no- thats just how she is..she would never.... this kept up for about 5 months until I confronted my husband and said: " I know something is going on you two better stop or I am going to tell her husband" That day my husband told her husband that I was saying the two of them were having an affair (BIG betrayal of trust by husband- why go outside our family with that?) unless he was guilty and he was covering his tracks before I got to the husband?

 

 

I have not heard from my best friend in 5 weeks. Is it because she is hurt that I would accuse her? Is it because she is guilty and cannot face me? If my best friend ever accused me of such a thing, I would yell at her, or tell her "do not ruin your family over this, nothing is going on" but what does someone hiding mean?

 

 

 

Some ODD things that led me to this conclusion:

 

**husband password protected his blackberry (he said it was because he travels and needs to protect it)

 

**I hid a tape recorder under his seat in his car that had two days worth of recordings on it that I had not listened to- he DELETED it (he said he wasn't really thinking when he came across it and deleted it)- which by the way was a new ditigal one- he needed to go online and look at a users manual to delete it.

 

**they had a business trip to the same city for the same two days (BTW husband never travels to that city and she does not travel for her job- once to another city-

 

**she new about an event my husband and I were going to and I had not told her about yet. She said my kids toldmy her...my kids said they didn't

 

**they always seemed to be unavailable at the same times

 

**There are so many more little coincidences that had been going on- I finally started keeping a journal because I forgot about them all they were happening every few days.

 

I'll admit- I could be overreacting about this entire thing (hence why I am here). Any advice would be greatly appreciated

[seibert253]

I don't think you're overreacting. Your gut is usually right. There's probably alot more going on than you know.

 

Your husband mentioning the A this to the husband, he's trying to cut you off at the pass, portraying you as a nut job. Very disrespectful.

 

You need to keep digging. I'm sure they've gone underground. Two reasons why you havn't heard from you friend:

1. guilt

2. They're taking a break, laying low hoping this will blow over.

 

You need to stay in investigative mode.

[Jilly Bean]

I agree with the above poster.

 

The mounting evidence is too much to ignore.

[boldjack]

OP, what you have isn't evidence, it's jumping to conclusions. If you and your H communicated better, then this kind of stuff wouldn't bother you.

[Bryanp]

I am sure if the roles were reversed your husband would be thinking the same thing. There are just too many odd things going on.

[lkjh]

sounds like you are right, and your friend is avoiding you because you are on to something

[GPFan]

I've only regretted not trusting my instincts.

[lostsunsets]

What are you going to do?

[Island Girl]

I avoid all possible looks of impropriety. I would NEVER text or call a friends husband at all.

There is simply no reason why communication about everything can't involve my friend.

 

That said I would be disturbed by what you have indicated.

But you have thought something was going on -- to plant the tape recorder -- and he has known you do hence erasing it.

 

So there must have been quite a conversation at the very least.

 

What are you going to do now?

[drama6]

what am I going to do? Continue to sit here and trust everything my husband tells me and think my friend doesn't wish to be friends with me because I thought she was having an affair with my husband.

 

To clarify some things: When H found the tape recorder he was pissed and thought it was "cute" that I planted tape recorder and erased it to get a reaction out of me. He said he wasn't thinking

 

He said if I wanted the password to his phone, just ask for it- He gave it to me...but I would imagine after he gave me password there is nothing to see

 

Best Friend texted ALL married husbands- going to their pools alone when wives are at work..its just how she is- she even asked my husband to bring our kids to her pool one day when I was at work (YES H and I both said this was WEIRD) (I think its just her personality- she is pretty cool and I think she is just one of those woman who is more like a guy and has a ton of guy friends)

 

OH!!! one more thing I forgot to mention. H said I was jealous of her. which is somewhat true. She is VERY pretty (Also very fake...boobs, teeth, botox, etc). Exceptional body. So yes...of course I am jealous I try a little harder when we go out together so I don't feel like the ugly duckling... But not in an evil kinda of jealous way.

just in an insecure kind of way. But why does H seem to take her side?

 

I was thinking about calling the friend today and confronting her and asking her why she hasn't called me in 5 weeks. Husband thinks she is just going to tell me because she was hurt and never wants to speak to me again.

 

thoughts?

[2sure]

I cant help but think that your putting a recording device in his car....and him then finding it didnt create a major discussion with accusations and defenses. If it didnt, thats of even more concern.

 

If a spouse were to find a hidden recorder, I would think they would want to say: Listen to it!! There is nothing going on!! You are insane and violating me!!

 

But thats not what happened. He erased it.

 

He is cheating. You know it. And he knows you know it. Period.

[Spark1111]

I cant help but think that your putting a recording device in his car....and him then finding it didnt create a major discussion with accusations and defenses. If it didnt, thats of even more concern.

 

If a spouse were to find a hidden recorder, I would think they would want to say: Listen to it!! There is nothing going on!! You are insane and violating me!!

 

But thats not what happened. He erased it.

 

He is cheating. You know it. And he knows you know it. Period.

 

I am with 2sure on this one.

 

Innocent people, act innocent and usually try to go overboard in proving their innocence. right on the spot. They may be upset afterwards, but not during the accusation.

 

Guilty people act outraged, try hard to convince you are wrong for your suspiscions, and make a lot of noise and bluster while doing so, IMHO.

 

Stay wary of the situation. Very, very wary.

[whichwayisup]

I am probably over reacting, but in general what are the "rules" for texting your best friends spouse? We are very good friends with another married couple and my best friend is always texting my husband to see if we want to go to dinner, or if he can pick up their kids, etc. Why wouldn't she just call me or have her husband call my husband? I want to make sure I am not out of line by saying it really did not sit well with me. With all of our married couples, I normally call the wife and talk to her not the husband...just seeing how many of you out there text (daily- or every other day) your friends spouse instead of texting you.

 

Tell your H you are not comfortable with this and any arrangements to be made, should be made directly between you and her, not HIM and her. Sounds like your H is maybe enjoying the texting, so it isn't all just your friend. He could tell her anytime to stop and contact you instead of him.

[whichwayisup]

I was thinking about calling the friend today and confronting her and asking her why she hasn't called me in 5 weeks. Husband thinks she is just going to tell me because she was hurt and never wants to speak to me again.

 

Something IS going on between them. Either it's an emotional affair, or it's turned physical.

 

Either way, your H is lying and omitting truths.. Maybe you should talk to HER husband and see how HE feels about them being so close. Chances are, he probably is feeling the way you do, suspicious..

[Island Girl]

what am I going to do? Continue to sit here and trust everything my husband tells me and think my friend doesn't wish to be friends with me because I thought she was having an affair with my husband.

 

To each their own I guess.

 

To clarify some things: When H found the tape recorder he was pissed and thought it was "cute" that I planted tape recorder and erased it to get a reaction out of me. He said he wasn't thinking

 

Which was it? Was he pissed? Because then he would have confronted you.

 

Did he think it was "cute" then laughing he'd have shown you that your jealousy was ridiculous.

 

Was he not thinking? Because it takes QUITE A BIT of thinking to get on the computer look it up and then proceed with the directions to erase it.

 

And, oh yeah, it makes sense that if your spouse, whom you love and adore, is acting as if they are insecure and thinking you are having an affair that you give them MORE of a reason to think so.

 

But again, to each their own...

 

He said if I wanted the password to his phone, just ask for it- He gave it to me...but I would imagine after he gave me password there is nothing to see

 

Yep - you bet there'd be nothing to see by then

 

Best Friend texted ALL married husbands- going to their pools alone when wives are at work..its just how she is- she even asked my husband to bring our kids to her pool one day when I was at work (YES H and I both said this was WEIRD) (I think its just her personality- she is pretty cool and I think she is just one of those woman who is more like a guy and has a ton of guy friends)

 

That isn't a woman I'd ever have too close to me.

 

She is more like a guy and has a ton of guy friends - yeah, that is a larger red flag. Women don't trust her and she quite obviously has NO BOUNDARIES when it comes to other women and their relationships.

 

Funny your husband thought her behavior "weird" but didn't put a stop to it.

 

OH!!! one more thing I forgot to mention. H said I was jealous of her. which is somewhat true. She is VERY pretty (Also very fake...boobs, teeth, botox, etc). Exceptional body. So yes...of course I am jealous I try a little harder when we go out together so I don't feel like the ugly duckling... But not in an evil kinda of jealous way.

just in an insecure kind of way. But why does H seem to take her side?

 

If I were jealous or insecure I would leave it to my husband NOT to give me even more reason to be.

 

Yes, why DOES he take her side? Instead of that of his partner and spouse whom he took VOWS with and is supposed to be the one to turn to?

VERY good question.

 

I was thinking about calling the friend today and confronting her and asking her why she hasn't called me in 5 weeks. Husband thinks she is just going to tell me because she was hurt and never wants to speak to me again.

 

thoughts?

 

She isn't and hasn't been a friend to you. She has no boundaries when it comes to men and it makes no difference whether they are attached or not.

 

She is a scary broad to be sure. There are women out there like her and they are disgusting filth. They care not whom they hurt and crave attention so much so they'll throw anyone under the bus.

 

I cant help but think that your putting a recording device in his car....and him then finding it didnt create a major discussion with accusations and defenses. If it didnt, thats of even more concern.

 

If a spouse were to find a hidden recorder, I would think they would want to say: Listen to it!! There is nothing going on!! You are insane and violating me!!

 

But thats not what happened. He erased it.

 

He is cheating. You know it. And he knows you know it. Period.

 

And he is "gaslighting" you. He'll get away with it as long as you are willing to turn a blind eye.

 

Not sure why you want to but it is your marriage. Sometimes the partner would rather believe the lies than seek the truth.

 

If there IS nothing going on then he should be the first one to seek to show you. No one would want their spouse thinking something like that and having it not be true at all.

[donnamaybe]

I cant help but think that your putting a recording device in his car....and him then finding it didnt create a major discussion with accusations and defenses. If it didnt, thats of even more concern.

 

If a spouse were to find a hidden recorder, I would think they would want to say: Listen to it!! There is nothing going on!! You are insane and violating me!!

 

But thats not what happened. He erased it.

 

He is cheating. You know it. And he knows you know it. Period.

 

I agree with this completely.

[drama6]

Wow! Thanks for all the responses. When this first all started I thought..."I know something is not right" after all this time, I still have that GUT feeling that something was maybe going on, but things still just don't sit right with me. I came here for re-assurance that I was a little dramatic and nothing is going on- maybe a little too suspicoius. (and as H would say "of course if your looking for something you will find all these little things that are normally there, but your looking at them through the eyes that I am having an affair when they really mean nothing") So there is no-one out there who thinks this is just a really bad set of circumstances which may not look good, but there probably was not something going on?

 

I am about to tell a best friend and a husband to hit the high road- I have no proof- just a bunch of weird circumstances. Then again- I don't want to look like a fool.

[Phateless]

The trips are the major red flag to me. I can't imagine that they have any real business traveling together.

 

I've texted with some of my gf's friends before, but very rarely and only for short periods about something specific. Typically I'll tell her she should invite the friend and to text her. She tells me that I should so I do.

 

Beyond that, I make an effort to keep boundaries clear and everyone comfortable around this sort of thing. I would think most people would act the same way.

 

Your friend is probably extremely insecure and needing constant validation, hence all the fake stuff. To me, fake stuff is GROSS. All the things you listed would make her ugly in my eyes. You, the natural one, would be far more attractive to me.

 

I say get a keylogger for your H's computer and possibly contact a private investigator. At the very LEAST you guys should go to couples' counseling.

 

Why do you even want to stay at this point? Once the trust is gone there's no relationship left. It doesn't even matter if he was or was not cheating at this point. The trust is gone.

[scatterd]

I have had two of my good friends husbands come on to me I stopped them both and told my friends.one was trying to give me his work email to contact him.I would continue keeping an eye on them it does happen.He seems like he is hidding things and if she was your friend she would talk to you about it.

If my friend thougt I was doing somthing with her husband I would try to ease her mind and ask what gave her that Idea.I hope nothing is going on but just stay quite and watch.

[Island Girl]

So there is no-one out there who thinks this is just a really bad set of circumstances which may not look good, but there probably was not something going on?

 

If you have a husband who cares about his marriage when you tell him what you are thinking he will do his best to address it as the other option is losing you altogether.

 

You say HE thought your "friend's" behavior WEIRD in the first place so why in the world would he go along and continue it??

 

And as far as you "friend" goes - as previously stated -- she isn't your friend. It is a shame you EVER trusted her or brought her so close to your family. She is a pathetic woman indeed.

[donnamaybe]

I say get a keylogger for your H's computer and possibly contact a private investigator. At the very LEAST you guys should go to couples' counseling.

 

I agree with this also. You need proof positive, but the things you discussed give you reason to search out said proof.

[Dexter Morgan]

I am probably over reacting, but in general what are the "rules" for texting your best friends spouse? We are very good friends with another married couple and my best friend is always texting my husband to see if we want to go to dinner, or if he can pick up their kids, etc. Why wouldn't she just call me or have her husband call my husband?

 

because she wants to keep herself in his thoughts. If she wants to do something, she can contact YOU. Why does she NEED to contact him?

 

She doesn't. She can be contacting you. Yes, possible infidelity, or at the very least laying the groundwork for it.

[gopher]

I agree with this also. You need proof positive, but the things you discussed give you reason to search out said proof.

 

I agree with the keylogger, but me thinks he'll be looking for something like that. I'd hire a private investigator and really find out what's happening.

[drama6]

Just got off the phone with my mom. She thinks I have gone off my rocker! She said what a huge violation of trust to record my husband, if I were him, I would have erased the whole thing to as an "F-U" for doing that.

 

She also asked if my Best Friend and her husband have a good relationship- I believe they do..but then again...anyone looking and mine and my husbands relationship thinks we are the "Model Married couple" (people have told us several times). Mom told me I am dead wrong and need to pick up the phone immediately and call my best friend and apologize immediately. She told me I was being very immature.

 

I asked my mom how do you think woman find out about their husbands cheating..by asking them? HA HA HA HA laughing my arse off by now.. Maybe in a dream world husband will confess when asked. My mom just thinks its very very very rude to look at his phone and tape record him.

Not quite sure I agree with her

 

now I am even more confused.....my mom has a pretty good head on her shoulders..

[Bejita463]

Hire a PI then.

 

She's wrong. This suspicion is reasonable, based on the information you have offered. The suspicion might end up being wrong, but there's sufficient reason to have it. I would be enraged if a partner implied I was cheating on them by violating my privacy by recording me. I would have forced her to listen to it back to front with me sitting there watching it.

 

Erasing it would only have validated the accusation.