Etiquette on texting your Best Friends husband.- possibly infidelity?

[Island Girl]

Just got off the phone with my mom. She thinks I have gone off my rocker! She said what a huge violation of trust to record my husband, if I were him, I would have erased the whole thing to as an "F-U" for doing that.

 

He did do that.

 

Then he said it was "cute" that you were mad, insecure, or whatever it was.

 

Then he changed his story again and just said he wasn't thinking.

 

All of those sound plausible. The truth would only need to be said once.

 

She also asked if my Best Friend and her husband have a good relationship- I believe they do..but then again...anyone looking and mine and my husbands relationship thinks we are the "Model Married couple" (people have told us several times). Mom told me I am dead wrong and need to pick up the phone immediately and call my best friend and apologize immediately. She told me I was being very immature.

 

Of course you do. Because YOUR friendship means so much to this woman that she simply shuts down instead of addressing an issue.

 

Who's immature again?

 

I asked my mom how do you think woman find out about their husbands cheating..by asking them? HA HA HA HA laughing my arse off by now.. Maybe in a dream world husband will confess when asked. My mom just thinks its very very very rude to look at his phone and tape record him.

Not quite sure I agree with her

 

With weird contact - strange business trips at the same time - his dismissive behavior toward you and as you said "taking her side".

 

Sorry sweetie but if it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, it's a duck.

 

If you need further proof - do what you need to to be sure of it.

 

There are cell plans that can have a feature added that will track where he is going all throughout the day and night -- by pinging the towers.

Get a keylogger for the computer. Put A GPS on his car - whatever you have to do.

This time don't let on and you will soon see if there is more to all of this.

 

I think you already know. Other posters have said it too.

 

now I am even more confused.....my mom has a pretty good head on her shoulders..

 

Really? Because if that is the case she'd have told you that this woman isn't your bestie.

If she was she wouldn't stop talking to you suddenly for 5 weeks.

She wouldn't be messaging your husband privately and trying to set up playdates for when you aren't around either.

[dreamergrl]

You're never going to get past this unless you do something about it and settle it once and for all. Hire a PI, get to the bottom of this. If he's cheating, you have proof. If he's not, then you know it and can stop spying.

[drama6]

I can almost gaurantee that they have stopped. For two reasons..One this almost blew up on them. two..no more GUT feeling now that they are doing something...just that gut of something wasn't quite right.

[dreamergrl]

I can almost gaurantee that they have stopped. For two reasons..One this almost blew up on them. two..no more GUT feeling now that they are doing something...just that gut of something wasn't quite right.

 

If that is how you feel, fine, but I'd at least get some couples therapy. This will stay with you until it is fully addressed.

[Trimmer]

I would be enraged if a partner implied I was cheating on them by violating my privacy by recording me. I would have forced her to listen to it back to front with me sitting there watching it.

 

Erasing it would only have validated the accusation.

Don't know if I would be enraged, per se, but I understand your point, and I fully agree with the rest. I would definitely be hurt, but then also very concerned over what my partner was thinking of and going through, and yes, I would definitely sit there and listen to it with her to air it all out. I can't imagine what would posess someone to erase it, just to 'get a reaction' or poke back, or whatever. I can't see how that makes any sense, and I especially agree with the point that it doesn't take very much thought to realize that a behavior of erasing evidence, is much more consistent with guilt than it is with innocence.

 

First he was mad, then

... he said it was "cute" that you were mad, insecure, or whatever it was.

 

Then he changed his story again and just said he wasn't thinking.

 

All of those sound plausible. The truth would only need to be said once.

And even if it did need to be repeated, it wouldn't change over time.

 

There are cell plans that can have a feature added that will track where he is going all throughout the day and night -- by pinging the towers.

Some cell plans will let you log on the provider site and get a log of all calls. To my distress, this was the first conclusive evidence that there was infidelity going on in my own marriage - 700 minutes, 900 minutes per month of calls between them - calls of 20 min, 40 min, 70 min sometimes... Ick.

 

On the other hand, if it's a company phone, you won't be able to access this...

 

Just got off the phone with my mom. She thinks I have gone off my rocker! She said what a huge violation of trust to record my husband, if I were him, I would have erased the whole thing to as an "F-U" for doing that.

 

now I am even more confused.....my mom has a pretty good head on her shoulders..

Here's the deal - your mom loves you and she doesn't want to see you hurt. This is absolutely primary in a parent's concern for a child, even an adult offspring. So she needs to see you in the happy, "model" marriage that is her vision of your life. To even consider that something like this may be going on absolutely tears that vision to pieces, and would create in her strong feelings of anxiety and fear. Feelings of fear often manifest in behaviors of anger, or in a parent, reverting to treating you like a child - as in: calling you "immature" maybe?

 

So, it's easier for her to want to discount evidence that she can consider is even the tiniest bit shaky, and fall back to that vision of the perfect, model marriage, in which you will be safe and unhurt. It's actually easier for her to think of you as immature and reactionary, and to treat you like a child and shepherd you back to the safety of her vision of your marriage, than to even consider that you might be having to deal with infidelity in your marriage (which would require her listening and hearing you as an adult, empathizing with the feelings you are dealing with - feelings and anxieties which are real, regardless of the truth of the situation - and possibly imagining her daughter facing a world of hurt...)

 

So no discredit to her or her intelligence, but she will tend to see things through a lens that supports the vision that keeps you safe and whole, and that tendency may result in her not being so objective when it comes to seeing things from your perspective.

Edited October 27, 2009 by Trimmer

[Lucky_One]

I can almost gaurantee that they have stopped. For two reasons..One this almost blew up on them. two..no more GUT feeling now that they are doing something...just that gut of something wasn't quite right.

 

It takes a LOT to kill an ongoing affair. An almost D-Day is nothing; it just forces the affair partners deeper underground. You are more careful, you check under the seats, you lock the keypad on your phone to prevent accidental calls, you cool off the seeing each other for a few weeks, you don't text and email as much as you normally would, and the AP who was almost busted becomes a model spouse for a few weeks.

 

I'd activate the GPS tracker on his cell (put a GPS tracker on his car if your cell isn't capable), and check cell phone records if you can. Any atypical cash withdrawals? Have a SunPass toll pass on the car? Keylogger, to see if he has an alternate email address.

[silverfish]

I don't think you're being paranoid at all. My sister went through this with one of her 'best friends'. Her H went out one night and was 'too drunk to drive' and crashed at this woman's place. My sister sat there and told me how nice it was of her friend to look after her H, and I told her that I had a bad feeling about the whole thing. I felt terrible for saying it, but my sis found out a few weeks later that he was leaving her for the friend.

 

I think you should try the keylogger, possible PI, and maybe turn up for a coffee at the 'friends' house unexpected and see how she reacts. Make up a reason - I don't know, maybe you need to borrow something? Just brazen it out, be friendly but in a hurry, and see how she reacts to you. If she mentions what your H said, let her talk and see where it goes. Sometimes people hang themselves with their words, and you might get a clearer idea in your head as to what is happening.

 

I think it's right what was said about your Mum. Mine got angry with me for 'putting bad thoughts' in my sisters head and had a go at me for sh*t stirring (her words). Your mum just doesn't want to believe that this could be true. Maybe she hasn't come across women that behave like this friend, but many of us have, and that betrayal is almost worse than the actual infidelity sometimes. I hope you get to put your mind at rest very soon

[eyeswide]

oh sweetheart. I can't begin to tell you how much I can relate to what you are going through right now.

 

you are probably right. he's cheating and he's doing it with her. It may be an EA -- but it's happening.

 

I know that feeling of "they're just friends and I trust them both -- they love me and would never hurt me"

 

Prepare yourself for the nuclear holocaust. I bet they're both going to lay low for a while -- but it won't last long -- they'll be back at it again. sneakier than ever. you may need to engage your friend's H in watching her. (will he be willing to take it in?? can you trust him?)

 

I'm so so so so so sorry. You're not crazy -- but right now THEY ARE!!!!

[drama6]

***UPDATE***

So, I talked to H and said I am thinking of calling her husband to see if she would be receptive to me calling her and clearing up the air. My H told me "no.no.no do not call her husband, do not bother him at work, also we should keep the drama to a minimum with him."

Later that day my H emailed me to let me know that he had talked to her H that day and her H gave up all this information on how I would be receptive to her and how they missed us as friends.

 

WHY IS IT OKAY FOR H TO TALK TO HER H AT WORK BUT NOT ME?

he told me that her H called him and offered up all this info without my H even asking- odd timing

 

one more note- I have tried to get my H to work out for 15 years..we are doing this workout program and he has not missed a day losing 20 pounds...why now is so concerned about his weight? (Just another coincidence) He told me cause he is sick of being fat and he is afraid that he is going to lose me and he knows how much I am into fitness.

 

I swear I am going looney toons

[Bryanp]

1. All of a sudden Losing weight is a typical sign of someone who is in an affair.

2. What your husband is doing by calling the other spouses husband after telling you not to is a pure example of your husband doing damage control. You should call the other spouses husband at once.

3. I think he is lying. I would strongly suggest you set up a polygraph exam. My hunch is that he will freak out and or tell you the truth before the exam. You need talk immediately with the other spouses husband.

[Island Girl]

WHY IS IT OKAY FOR H TO TALK TO HER H AT WORK BUT NOT ME?

 

It isn't and you know it and you know why.

[sally4sara]

" I know something is going on you two better stop or I am going to tell her husband" That day my husband told her husband that I was saying the two of them were having an affair (BIG betrayal of trust by husband- why go outside our family with that?) unless he was guilty and he was covering his tracks before I got to the husband?

 

 

I have not heard from my best friend in 5 weeks. Is it because she is hurt that I would accuse her? Is it because she is guilty and cannot face me? If my best friend ever accused me of such a thing, I would yell at her, or tell her "do not ruin your family over this, nothing is going on" but what does someone hiding mean?

 

 

 

Some ODD things that led me to this conclusion:

 

**husband password protected his blackberry (he said it was because he travels and needs to protect it)

 

**I hid a tape recorder under his seat in his car that had two days worth of recordings on it that I had not listened to- he DELETED it (he said he wasn't really thinking when he came across it and deleted it)- which by the way was a new ditigal one- he needed to go online and look at a users manual to delete it.

 

**they had a business trip to the same city for the same two days (BTW husband never travels to that city and she does not travel for her job- once to another city-

 

**she new about an event my husband and I were going to and I had not told her about yet. She said my kids toldmy her...my kids said they didn't

 

**they always seemed to be unavailable at the same times

 

**There are so many more little coincidences that had been going on- I finally started keeping a journal because I forgot about them all they were happening every few days.

 

I'll admit- I could be overreacting about this entire thing (hence why I am here). Any advice would be greatly appreciated

 

Normally, I'd tell you you were being waaayyyyy over dramatic about this. My SO and I are friends with other couples and also have opposite gender friends. While I don't generally contact the male partner of a couple, I know that is just me. I don't expect everyone else to tailor their actions to match my tendencies. I don't do it because I find it improper; I find females to be more detail oriented and will mention info to their male partner while men will forget altogether.

Then I get to where you have placed a recording device in your spouse's car.......

Is that just common practice for you? Or was it as a result of your husband telling your friend's husband about your suspicions?

 

See, I read your list of clues and yes, they sound very damning.

BUT! if you're naturally suspicious and always planting recording devices and policing everyone else's actions, weeelllll it could all just be cause and effect.

You accuse, so people don't tell you about everything, which makes it look like they're hiding stuff, which makes you start digging, and then EVERYTHING looks shady.

 

Maybe if you explain the time line a little clearer, people can better help you.

[donnamaybe]

Go on download.com and install this program called WebPI. It runs in the background (doesn't even show up on your windows task manager when you look) and it automatically starts upon startup of the computer. You have this secret location on the computer where you can look at photos of the entire screen that are taken every 5, 10, or 15 seconds - however you choose to set it. It shows you EVERYTHING. The file where these screenshots are stored is called ws.exe. It's hard to find, so just do a search for ws.exe and you'll get to it. You put a password on it, too, so no one else can get in and look at anything or take the program off even if they WERE good enough with computers to find it.

[NoIDidn't]

Wow, this story sounds like one on another board I used to post on. And there was cheating going on.

 

His weight loss is a HUGE red flag.

 

I think you should call her H. I don't think your H spoke to him at all and is just lying to you in the hopes that it settles your mind.

 

Call her H.

[freestyle]

This whole scenario reeks of gaslighting.

 

OP, if you're not familiar with the term, please, please go to Google and find some articles to read.

[2sure]

***UPDATE***

WHY IS IT OKAY FOR H TO TALK TO HER H AT WORK BUT NOT ME?

he told me that her H called him and offered up all this info without my H even asking- odd timing

 

I swear I am going looney toons

 

Ok, first that conversation between your H and the other H didnt happen like that and you know it. Period. It Didnt Happen.

 

Your H IS having an affair. Swallow that.

 

Now do what you want but the most important thing you WILL NOT ALLOW HIM TO TAKE FROM YOU is your sanity. Black does not become white because he wants you to believe so. This kind of crap is more insulting , more of a betrayal, than this infidelity itself.

[seibert253]

Where there's smoke, there's fire.

 

If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, and has feathers, it's a duck.

 

These run true.

 

You need to have a talk with the OW's husband. Something is amiss.

[NoIDidn't]

This whole scenario reeks of gaslighting.

 

OP, if you're not familiar with the term, please, please go to Google and find some articles to read.

 

OP. I really hope you take this advice. This does have the stench of gaslighting all over it. And they are both do it to you.

[eyeswide]

OK -- if my H had avoided telling me the truth any longer than he did, my next step was going to be going to his AP's husband.

 

I know you are afraid of making people mad or looking crazy (bc someone is telling you that you are being paranoid -- that's the "gaslighting" folks are talking about). But this is YOUR life, YOUR marriage and two people that you love and trust more than anyone in the world are making a bloody mockery of it right now.

 

And I know that there's a HUGE part of you that wants so badly for this NOT to be true that you are avoiding facing the truth. I know! I was THERE!!!!

 

But think about it from the point of view of the her H. If you can't find the strength to take this on for yourself, think about what he deserves...TALK TO HIM DIRECTLY. ASK HIM ABOUT THE CONVERSATION THAT YOUR HUSBAND HAD WITH HIM!!! (If there even was a conversation...I have my doubts.)

 

I hope I'm wrong. I hope you are not facing the reality that I have lived through. But your husband is behaving way too badly for this to be nothing and so is your (ex)friend.

 

When you get PM privileges, PM me and I'll tell you my whole story.

 

much love to you...

[Phateless]

OK -- if my H had avoided telling me the truth any longer than he did, my next step was going to be going to his AP's husband.

 

I know you are afraid of making people mad or looking crazy (bc someone is telling you that you are being paranoid -- that's the "gaslighting" folks are talking about). But this is YOUR life, YOUR marriage and two people that you love and trust more than anyone in the world are making a bloody mockery of it right now.

 

And I know that there's a HUGE part of you that wants so badly for this NOT to be true that you are avoiding facing the truth. I know! I was THERE!!!!

 

But think about it from the point of view of the her H. If you can't find the strength to take this on for yourself, think about what he deserves...TALK TO HIM DIRECTLY. ASK HIM ABOUT THE CONVERSATION THAT YOUR HUSBAND HAD WITH HIM!!! (If there even was a conversation...I have my doubts.)

 

I hope I'm wrong. I hope you are not facing the reality that I have lived through. But your husband is behaving way too badly for this to be nothing and so is your (ex)friend.

 

When you get PM privileges, PM me and I'll tell you my whole story.

 

much love to you...

 

I agree with this. At the very least it will give you someone to confide in/strategize with, and as a bonus, it will level the playing field! You and her H can hang out all the time and then see how your spouses like it, lol.

[Space Ritual]

I can almost gaurantee that they have stopped. For two reasons..One this almost blew up on them. two..no more GUT feeling now that they are doing something...just that gut of something wasn't quite right.

 

 

Cheaters are like terrorists. They will tell you that you are nuts. That there isn't anything going on. That they are above reproach. Anything to make you feel assured that it is you that re in the wrong. They will perhaps knock it off for a couple of months, even a year or two.

 

Thats what happened with my fiance. she assured me that there was nothing going on, and that I was crazy and she and the guy I was worried about (a mutual friend by the way) were "friends and nothing more, darling"...all the way up until the time I came home three weeks before my wedding to find her riding that same friend like a Harley at Sturgis

 

even when I was kicking the crap out of the friend in my bedrfoom she kept screaming that I didn't understand and that it wasn't what I thought".

 

Upon reflecting back, I guess there must have been some valid excuse for my fiance to be having sex with someone else in my house...hmmm...maybe I was dreaming it up or that I just didnt understand the nature of their friendship or better yet...maybe becuase I was just JEALOUS!...Yep that must have been it!

 

and just when you think your guard is down...WHAM!

 

Your mother is in denial. The worst person to ask advice from in a situation like this is a parent because they always want whats best for you and may or may not give it to you straight. They want you to just not think about ity or give the other person the benefit of the doubt.

 

 

It's fairly obvious something was (and may continue to be) going on.

[Strawberry Cane]

Personally, I would never go to my mother about ANYTHING relationship wise, because allthough she may have experience, every situation is different. Talking to my mother does nothing but makes me feel worse afterwards, in that she would criticize everything I was thinking or doing. The bottom line is that she's not the one going through this... you are.

Has she ever had a cheating husband who pulled off the same stunts as your H? What kind of point of view does she hold for relationships? I know that many mothers still have that "You are his wife, you should trust him no matter what and you should stick together even if hes breaking all his marriage vows... because that is what a good wife does" attitude.

I just feel like saying "This is 2009, get with the program."

 

I don't believe anyone should have to stand for that, and if he is willing to break his marraige vows, then I don't think hiring a PI, or downloading a keylogger is a bad idea. If he chooses to disrespect you by leading you on with odd excuses and unclarified information then whats the point in showing respect to him? Treat others the way you would want to be treated. It's a simple phrase with a lot of truth.

 

Now, I have not experienced any first hand cheating in my lifetime, but several others on this board have made it pretty clear that you are NOT crazy, and that they can relate.

I know you are aware at this point as to what is going on... but from the way you described your "friend", she seems to be one of those people who needs reassurance... and needs to know that she's "STILL GOT IT". (Fake everything right??)

 

Thats my little piece,

I hope that you find everything you are looking for.

[SoleMate]

Your mom may usually have a good head on her shoulders, but not on this topic. Perhaps she is too close to this topic. She may be very threatened by the thought of you questioning your own marriage.

 

I agree with all the posters - this is an ongoing affair. Deal with it accordingly.

 

BTW, putting a tape recorder under your husband's car seat may be a marital infraction, but cheating and lying about it is a felony.

[boundaryproblem]

This woman sounds like she derives her esteem from attention from men.

 

She hasn't acted like a best friend and you should re-categorize her in your mind as someone who is a threat to your family.

 

Your husband has not demonstrated loyalty to you in dealing with this problem.

 

When the dust settles, they will start up again with each other.

 

So what is your plan?

 

Perhaps marriage counselling? Nothing will get fixed without some brutal honesty between you and your husband about the state of your marriage etc.

[drama6]

OKAY..Here come the drama!!! Yesterday my husband and I went to the school to have lunch with our children (Show a little love to the little ones with all this mess going on). While we were waiting to sign in, she was leaving and had to walk right by us. I KID YOU NOT..she looked right at my husband and said (remember I am standing not far from him) "hey! Hows is goin?" and walked out of the school. I broke down in tears and preceded to have my children watch me sobbing while I am making up some excuse that my jaw hurt from the dental work I had done that morning. ARG ARG ARG!!!

 

My husband said what she did was incredibly rude and can't believe she did that. I texted her and said "See...thats the crap I am talking about" She texted back and said "and what would that be" I said "what the hell am I supposed to think when you have avoided me for 5 weeks. I have never been hurt like this from a friend EVER" she said "I am not doing this over text.. Call me if you want to go over this"

 

ARG ARG ARG ARG!!! Help!