How to ask for an open marriage.

[tami-chan]

... it really isn't a standard EA.

 

lol......as opposed to a premium one?

[boldjack]

I prefer the "executive", EA, myself.

[tami-chan]

Well whether or not you got physical with this man, you are already cheating on him. You are already unfaithful.

 

You have the guts to develop something with this other man, just have the guts to come out and say it.

 

You THINK you would be okay with your H with another woman? So basically here is what would more than likely happen. You will want your double standard.

 

In any case, just come out and say it. Because its clear you really aren't fit for marriage. And if your husband wants no part of an open marriage and ends up divorcing you....then that is what is in the cards for you. Because you aren't going to be happy staying faithful to your husband.

 

And if he is into it and wants to do it...then great!!!

 

Sorry to be so graphic, but that is exactly how it is and how you will look at it.

 

So you have the tits enough to develop some kind of sexually interested relationship with Mr. Tennis Pro......have the guts to ask for that which you really want. Otherwise all you are going to end up doing is cheating behind his back and that isn't fair to him.

 

Gosh you missed the whole thing....being attracted to someone does not take guts-Jesus, Dexter....but she IS here to ask some input if others have gone through this. She wants to be honest. She has been honest to her husband about her connection to this guy...whatever that is. She loves her husband whether you want to accept it or not.

 

What is your problem? If somebody does things dishonestly, you slam them. If somebody is brutally frank and just outright hurts the other person , you slam them also. Here you have someone who wants to be honest but wants to do so, so that there is minimal damage ( if at all that is possible) and you are just so disrespectful to her.

 

What is with your use of "tits".... dishing it out, I see...

[tami-chan]

whose "rules of marriage"? islamic? christian? those off-shoot latter day saint cults? athiest? whose?

 

ohhhhhhhhh......dexter's!

[Ms. Red]

No kidding Tami. (Not the above post but the one above it.) How many times have we heard from many posters, "why didn't you think of blah blah blah before you cheated. Why didn't you tell your spouse how you felt before you acted on your feelings?

 

That's exactly what she is doing and she is still getting slammed for it and being treated like crap from some posters on this thread.

 

______________________________________________________

 

About the above post. I'd like to know which marriage rules Dexter is going by also. He acts as if there is only one standard across the board marriage rules that everyone must abide by or they are wrong.

[Ms. Red]

Wait. I just read that again. Yes, it's like I said previously that he is going by the Dexter rules of marriage. LoL When I said that to him, he said, it's not "his rules", it's "the rules" of marriage.

[tami-chan]

LOL...somebody needs to get out of his neck of the woods or read a book/magazine , at least, don't you think, Ms. Red? !!!

[Ms. Red]

Yes! Like me. I'm going to kill some zombies now in Left 4 Dead! Have a good evening/night.

[Dexter Morgan]

You have no idea what the rules of marriage I agreed to with my husband are. They are not across the board for every person joined in matrimony.

 

so when you said your vows, was not being faithful and committing to each other not part of getting married?

 

Or did you get married with the idea that you may want to stray at some point?

 

Is marriage not a committment to you?

 

 

 

Because there are other reasons to be married outside of "your perceived view". You think it's your way or it's wrong. You are wrong in that view. Get it?

 

 

ah, so you got married for reasons that have nothing to do with committment and fidelity?

 

 

I have a question for you and your view:

 

So, with the way I described my marriage now (previously in this thread) and my husband having a girlfriend and all. Even though I could give a $hit what he does in his relationships, is he a cheater by your perceived "rules of marriage"?

 

if he has a girlfriend, then yes, he is a cheater. But I never saw in that first post that I responded to that you mentioned anything of the sort of him having a girlfriend. If you mentioned it in threads after that, I didn't see it.

 

So if that is true, yes, he is a cheater, as well as you. And as long as you both can handle each other boning other people, that is up to you.

 

Now another question....not that it would make it right in any way, shape or form, but did he get a gf after you had sex with someone else? Did he cheat before you did?

[Dexter Morgan]

Gosh you missed the whole thing....being attracted to someone does not take guts-Jesus, Dexter

 

once again, its apparent that your comprehension is lacking. I said she had the guts to DEVELOP a relationship.....not merely being attracted to someone.

 

 

 

....but she IS here to ask some input if others have gone through this. She wants to be honest. She has been honest to her husband about her connection to this guy...whatever that is.

 

yes she has, I'll give her that.

 

 

She loves her husband whether you want to accept it or not.

 

funny way of showing it.

 

 

What is with your use of "tits".... dishing it out, I see...

 

well since women don't have testicles, I have to make a substitution.

Edited October 29, 2009 by Dexter Morgan

[Holding-On]

so when you said your vows, was not being faithful and committing to each other not part of getting married?

 

Or did you get married with the idea that you may want to stray at some point?

 

Is marriage not a committment to you?

 

 

 

 

 

 

ah, so you got married for reasons that have nothing to do with committment and fidelity?

 

 

 

 

 

cut and pasted a bit. I'm going to try to explain the logic.

 

My husband and I took vows to be together for life. To see each other through sickness and health. To be honest to each other. These were what were in the vows we wrote ourselves and said in public to each other.

 

We were married by a JOP. We did not have a religious ceremony. The government got involved because we wanted to have clear cut rights in case of the other person being sick (making decisions), rights to our children and inheritances and also for the tax benefits.

 

So yes, commitment, faithful to our vows as we wrote them. Just no commitment to monogamy. Not written in our vows anywhere (for a reason)

 

Hope that helps.

[pollswolls]

Personally, I see nothing wrong with asking for an Open Marriage after the fact.

 

My husband, for all intensive purposes, asked me for one after 20 years of marriage. I never for a second thought it was because he was cheating on me. And, he wasn't. We discussed it - Rationally - But never did pursue it.

 

I see that there can be many many different types of marriages. Not everyone takes the same vows. Not everyone has church weddings. Not everyone has a conventional life.

 

What do we really know of the original poster anyway? Has she told us everything that has gone on in her marriage preceeding this tennis pro incident? No, not really. I think that if a marriage is strong enough & OP, if your marriage is strong enough, only you know, ask away!

Or how do they say - Run it up the flag pole & see who salutes.

[Lizzie60]

GotItBad... you are refreshing.. I enjoyed your posts.. you are a smart woman.. very caring and a great mother... you had your lots of pain and stress...

 

Now you need to think about you.. and I think that's what happened, unconsciously... you want to take care of YOUR needs... emotional and physical.

 

Thing is... you haven't done anything yet.. so you need to really .. I mean really weigh the pros and cons..

 

I, too, a long time ago, wanted an open relationship... I never cheated.. and even didn't have anyone in mind.. but I was fantasizing about other men.. all I thought about was to have sex with men.. lots of men... I just didn't love my SO anymore...

 

He was my first love (OW at almost 15)... he was a cheater back then.. we had a 9 yr affair.. so I figured.. since I didn't want sex anymore that he would happily go with the idea of an open relationship... OMG was I wrong... he was insulted.. very hurt.. so I had to say I was joking.. (but deep down I wasn't)

 

I finally left.. but in my case.. I just didn't love him anymore.. it's different from your story... are you willing to lose 95% to gain only 5%... it's not easy ..

 

Anyway.. I have a feeling that you will sort it out.. you sound smart and a great person.. Good luck!

[Dexter Morgan]

About the above post. I'd like to know which marriage rules Dexter is going by also.

 

 

the part in the marriage vows that say "to forsake all others". Now if you chose to have a marriage that omitted those vows, for obvious reasons, then you have a point.

[tami-chan]

once again, its apparent that your comprehension is lacking. I said she had the guts to DEVELOP a relationship.....not merely being attracted to someone.

 

What relationship? what kind of relationship do they have that it needs GUTS? what kind of a man are you that you NEED guts to be friends with someone? Acting ON her attraction takes guts, yes, but to be friends with him takes guts? ahmm..live a little, ok? Seriously.

 

well since women don't have testicles, I have to make a substitution.

 

I see...remember this, ok, Dex? cuz you and I know you can dish but cant take it.....

[NowhereToHide]

If your Husband is so great... how can you want the other guy?

 

Your story doesn't make any rational sense. I would be embarrassed to be in your shoes. Maybe instead of an open marriage, you should be seeing a counselor or psychiatrist.

 

 

My H is a wonderful man.... phenomenal in fact.

 

Affairs sometimes don't have anything to do with the BS. Sometimes they have everything to do with the person cheating. That was my case.

[Dexter Morgan]

I see...remember this, ok, Dex? cuz you and I know you can dish but cant take it.....

 

Can take it just fine sugar britches. Thats why I'm not getting upset by your desperate attempts to get under my skin;)

[tami-chan]

Can take it just fine sugar britches. Thats why I'm not getting upset by your desperate attempts to get under my skin;)

 

Somebody's pants are on fire.....or is it Pinocchio?

[1hotsxycpl]

Ok, so after reading the other posts, I am a little frustrated of the answers. First and foremost I will say that it is perfectly natural as a woman to have the "hots" for another man. If you didn't have those urges or feelings..maybe you are just plain "dead" Same goes for a man. it is natural for him to have the "hots" for another woman. It doesn't mean we go and jump on the opportunity to go outside of our marriages..it just means we are still "sexually and physically" alive. You have to be thankful for that!

 

Here is a suggestion. If you and your husband are very secure with one another, maybe you consider having an open conversation about your relationship, some fantasies you may have had (or have) and what you'd be willing to explore as a couple. Maybe consider easing into the "swing" lifestyle to "test" the waters and see if you two are open minded enough to consider playing outside your marriage. Keep in mind that doing this together as a happily married couple is a key factor to testing the waters properly. Talk openly together about things that turn you on or ideas that just need to be fulfilled. Maybe if you rediscover each other in a different light or maybe a new chapter in life there could be some other fantasies that could be fulfilled for both of you.

 

Have you ever thought of your husband being with another woman? better yet..watching him with another woman? Do you think maybe your husband has had ideas of you being with another man..or watching you with another man? Maybe these are some questions that need to be answered. If both of you answer "yes" to these questions, you might have yourself and "open" relationship. Also consider what your boundaries are and example would be: Do you play alone or do you play together outside your marriage? It's a huge step in an 18 year marriage, but at the same time..it might just be what opens a whole new adventure for both of you.

 

I myself am a happily married man in my 30's. My wife and I have been in the "swing" lifestyle for quite some time. We only play together, never separately. We have had threesomes with Her, myself and another man(with men focusing on her) and Threesomes with her, myself and another woman. We have also played with other couples, swapping partners and so forth. For us, it actually brought a whole different level of communication to our marriage. It has given us the opportunity to play out our fantasies or even pursue that person we have "the hots" for.

 

Ok, so I am not going to say this may work in your scenario..but it's a thought.

 

Let me know!

 

Steve

 

 

Never in a million years did I think I would ever be inclined to want an open marriage. I say “open marriage” lightly because it’s not like I want an assortment of guys at my beck and whim. Hell, up until 6 months ago, I never even gave any guy a second look. Here is my story.

 

I am a 50 yo, very happily married mother of 2 girls, ages 12 & 9. My husband and I have been together for 18 years.This is my second marriage -- I was married for 7 years when my ex told me that he was unsure of life, that he knew he didn’t love me when he walked down the aisle, etc etc etc. Quite devastating actually. For 3 years I dated, had fun, and really tried to take a look at what I wanted in a mate. My husband and I dated for over 2 years, and I knew he was the one that I could spent the rest of my life with. He is attactive, easy going, smart, responsible... just a super guy, and nobody makes me laugh harder than he does. We have a great eb and flow that is enviable to our friends. Our sex life is great. I can’t imagine my life without him. Both of us have commented that we would never find another person as good for us as each other. I honestly believe that. I would never leave him or take our girls from him.I really love him and he loves me.

 

That doesn’t mean life has been a bowl of cherries. Our daughters are both on the autistic spectrum. When the oldest was being diagnosed, the other was just an infant, and I also had an ailing 86 yo mother to take care of.

Being the type of person that I am, I absorbed myself into the world of autism, reading all I could, inquiring about therapies, etc. All this comes with no owners manual... it is all trial and error. Luckily we could afford for me to be a stay at home mom. I was a successful creative director before our girls were born, and I also loved to play competitive tennis.... playing in college, and then in area tournaments. But now both of those were gone. I submerged myself into doing what I could for my girls and their needs, plus my mom’s medical issues. Little by little, I lost who I was. My husband was and is supportive in any treatment I thought would be beneficial. But the stress of all of this put me on the brink of depression. Maybe I was actually in a depression, I don’t know. But add to all this the death of my mother, a move from the west coast to the east coast.... and now I felt lost.Before I knew it 10years had gone by.

 

One day about 1 and a half years ago, I got my daughter into tennis at a indoor facility here. Watching her really got me itching to play again, so I decided to sign up for a class. Evenually I was recruited onto a Womens’ travel tennis team league. This 32 week league is very competitive with weekly matches, with mandatory weekly drills with the pros, stat recordings, etc. And it was at this club that I met him... the man that brought me back to life.

 

The other man in my life is one of the tennis pros. He is single. Ironically, he not this hot baby you are all invisioning. He is seven years older than me (57), short and balding, heh heh. But he absolutely brings out the best in me on the court, and even off. He got me to believe in myself again, and in turn I began to feel like my old self again, full of life and incredibly happy. Happier than I have been in at least a decade! It would be totally accurate to say the my husband fulfills 95% of what I need, and this OM completes me with the other 5%.. He touches my soul like no man has ever done. But I haven’t told him the effect he has had on my life. (Ironically, my husband knows the effect this OM has had on my life, he knows the connection I feel... but he doesn’t know how attracted I am to him and my desire for him) The OM and I definitely have a connection that I believe he feels as well. Eventually for me, that connection caught fire and I started to become intensely attracted to him. I know more about him than most anyone at the club, but he does keep his guard up. I am old enough and smart enough to know that this probably isn’t his first rodeo -- that other women before me have had feelings for him. I don’t know if he has ever had a relationship with someone at the club before, but I imagine that someone in his position has to be careful in that situation. I think it’s been a while since his last relationship though.

 

So what do I want. I would love to be able to have a Saturday with this OM. Maybe it would be a one time thing.... or if we both enjoyed it, maybe every other month or so. He is busy, I am busy. I don’t want to have an affair.And I don’t want to have a deeply serious relationship. Even if I were single, I know this OM and I probably wouldn’t work out in the long run of things. I just want to spend some time with him, and to be honest, I want to express to him physically how I feel about him, how much he means to me.There is the possibility that he would want nothing to do with this. But I would like to have the freedom to pursue this if the timing was right. I admit that I fear the possibility of rejection from the OM, but I would regret never pursuing this even more.

 

Yet how do you say to your spouse, “I would like for us to consider an open marriage”? As much as I can imagine, I think I would be okay if my husband had the same arrangement with another woman. Lots to consider . I would appreciate any thoughts. As you can imagine, I can’t talk to anyone about this. It is consuming alot of my thoughts lately. Thanks for listening.