How to ask for an open marriage.

[GotItBad]

Never in a million years did I think I would ever be inclined to want an open marriage. I say “open marriage” lightly because it’s not like I want an assortment of guys at my beck and whim. Hell, up until 6 months ago, I never even gave any guy a second look. Here is my story.

 

I am a 50 yo, very happily married mother of 2 girls, ages 12 & 9. My husband and I have been together for 18 years.This is my second marriage -- I was married for 7 years when my ex told me that he was unsure of life, that he knew he didn’t love me when he walked down the aisle, etc etc etc. Quite devastating actually. For 3 years I dated, had fun, and really tried to take a look at what I wanted in a mate. My husband and I dated for over 2 years, and I knew he was the one that I could spent the rest of my life with. He is attactive, easy going, smart, responsible... just a super guy, and nobody makes me laugh harder than he does. We have a great eb and flow that is enviable to our friends. Our sex life is great. I can’t imagine my life without him. Both of us have commented that we would never find another person as good for us as each other. I honestly believe that. I would never leave him or take our girls from him.I really love him and he loves me.

 

That doesn’t mean life has been a bowl of cherries. Our daughters are both on the autistic spectrum. When the oldest was being diagnosed, the other was just an infant, and I also had an ailing 86 yo mother to take care of.

Being the type of person that I am, I absorbed myself into the world of autism, reading all I could, inquiring about therapies, etc. All this comes with no owners manual... it is all trial and error. Luckily we could afford for me to be a stay at home mom. I was a successful creative director before our girls were born, and I also loved to play competitive tennis.... playing in college, and then in area tournaments. But now both of those were gone. I submerged myself into doing what I could for my girls and their needs, plus my mom’s medical issues. Little by little, I lost who I was. My husband was and is supportive in any treatment I thought would be beneficial. But the stress of all of this put me on the brink of depression. Maybe I was actually in a depression, I don’t know. But add to all this the death of my mother, a move from the west coast to the east coast.... and now I felt lost.Before I knew it 10years had gone by.

 

One day about 1 and a half years ago, I got my daughter into tennis at a indoor facility here. Watching her really got me itching to play again, so I decided to sign up for a class. Evenually I was recruited onto a Womens’ travel tennis team league. This 32 week league is very competitive with weekly matches, with mandatory weekly drills with the pros, stat recordings, etc. And it was at this club that I met him... the man that brought me back to life.

 

The other man in my life is one of the tennis pros. He is single. Ironically, he not this hot baby you are all invisioning. He is seven years older than me (57), short and balding, heh heh. But he absolutely brings out the best in me on the court, and even off. He got me to believe in myself again, and in turn I began to feel like my old self again, full of life and incredibly happy. Happier than I have been in at least a decade! It would be totally accurate to say the my husband fulfills 95% of what I need, and this OM completes me with the other 5%.. He touches my soul like no man has ever done. But I haven’t told him the effect he has had on my life. (Ironically, my husband knows the effect this OM has had on my life, he knows the connection I feel... but he doesn’t know how attracted I am to him and my desire for him) The OM and I definitely have a connection that I believe he feels as well. Eventually for me, that connection caught fire and I started to become intensely attracted to him. I know more about him than most anyone at the club, but he does keep his guard up. I am old enough and smart enough to know that this probably isn’t his first rodeo -- that other women before me have had feelings for him. I don’t know if he has ever had a relationship with someone at the club before, but I imagine that someone in his position has to be careful in that situation. I think it’s been a while since his last relationship though.

 

So what do I want. I would love to be able to have a Saturday with this OM. Maybe it would be a one time thing.... or if we both enjoyed it, maybe every other month or so. He is busy, I am busy. I don’t want to have an affair.And I don’t want to have a deeply serious relationship. Even if I were single, I know this OM and I probably wouldn’t work out in the long run of things. I just want to spend some time with him, and to be honest, I want to express to him physically how I feel about him, how much he means to me.There is the possibility that he would want nothing to do with this. But I would like to have the freedom to pursue this if the timing was right. I admit that I fear the possibility of rejection from the OM, but I would regret never pursuing this even more.

 

Yet how do you say to your spouse, “I would like for us to consider an open marriage”? As much as I can imagine, I think I would be okay if my husband had the same arrangement with another woman. Lots to consider . I would appreciate any thoughts. As you can imagine, I can’t talk to anyone about this. It is consuming alot of my thoughts lately. Thanks for listening.

[mybrowneyedgirl]

you dont. end of story. allowing him to do it to doesnt make having an affair better. if you want someone else then leave. theres too much at risk.

[Holding-On]

First off, I am in an open marriage. It works great for me but I started out this way. Whenever I go to the marriage section all I see are threads and threads and threads about sexless marriages with no options and everybody getting very grumpy and sexually frustrated. Then being told to divorce without any thought to the good between the spouses or the cohesiveness of the family unit or the financial ramifications. All just so that they can go "get it awn" with someone else... until they run into the same problems of course. But you know, serial monogamy is so absolutely superior to honest open marriages.

 

I would NOT try to get into an open marriage so you can bang this one guy.

You can hope for that but really there is a lot of work that you have to do first. Also you do not know that this guy would go for it.

You can go through a lot of agony and personal growth to end up being rejected. Plus as a sell to your husband it is not honest.

 

I would recommend that you look into polyamory forums (google it). Talk to people online.

 

If you live in a large metropolitan area you can meet people in your area to converse about it. You can ask members HOW they opened up their marriages. (mine has always been open). If you like the members you can then bring your husband to meet them if he is not completely against it.

 

Read "The Ethical Slut".

 

Talk to your husband. What is your husband's take on non-monogamy? Remember he married you agreeing to monogamy and may have turned down great opportunities because of that. If he is completely against it you need to respect that.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Honey, there is no such thing as magic. You're unusualy attracted yet you know ( somewhere in there) that even single you wouldn,t be right. What you're missing isn't about anything else. YOU are the only one that can make positive changes in your life and none of those include H or OM. My guess is that an open M is only the begining of your flight. Make it about you and be honest with all involved, including your kids.

[Fallen Angel]

You say that you would not be opposed to your husband doing the same thing, so why not offer that to your husband first and see how that works for you, tell him "Honey, I think you should go and find a new woman to screw.. I will be here waiting for you when you are done, and it will all be okay."

 

While he is out make sure you don't get upset.

 

Make sure you don't wonder if he will start to have an EMOTIONAL attachment to his new partner. (which is what you have already admitted to having with your tennis pro)

 

Make sure you don't wonder if he will fall in love and decide that someone who doesn't want to "share" their spouse is a better fit for him.

 

Make sure not to worry that the fact that he, too, is a parent to two Autistic children and the stress involved in that may make him want "freedom" as well, or that perhaps he has sacrificed a part of himself to do what is right for his family and life with another woman and "part time parenting" may start to become attractive to him rather than the full responsibilty he lives up to now.

 

Make sure you don't wonder about if he will bring you home a disease. Or have another child with someone younger. Or any of the other possible things that could happen as a result of this.

 

Be careful what you ask for... you just may get it.

[boldjack]

OP, you are trying to rationalize away your guilt, and it won't work. You are a cheater!! If you really have such a good marriage, and if you REALLY loved your husband, you could NEVER disrespect him in this manner. You are already in an Emotional Affair with the OM and are already cheating on your husband. We at LS see this kind of thing, many times. If you have the guts, and if you have any shred of honesty, you will tell your husband that you want to f**k another man, and then get back to us with his answer. Saying that you would let him do the same thing is just another cop-out.

[Mr. Lucky]

You're not asking for an open marriage, you're asking for permission to cheat. Big difference between the two, both in scope and execution.

 

If it's honesty you're after (and that's one of the hallmarks of an open marriage), then why not tell your H what's transpired to this point? I'd suspect that would be a start toward's freeing yourself - and not just on Saturdays - to play doubles with the pro...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

BTW - I play a lot of tennis myself and have several close friends that are teaching pros. And I don't know why developing women's athletic skills is tied so closely to developing their libidos, but they get more women throwing themselves at them than most guy's could imagine. I'm seriously considering it for a second career!!!

[boldjack]

This is interesting.... some of the posters that are advising the OP to be honest with her H, haven't been honest with their own spouses. Pot calling the Kettle black.

[lkjh]

you are already having an affair(EA), if you want your marriage to work cut this guy out of your life. Otherwise 2 years from now you will be with out your bf and H.

[torranceshipman]

So despite all the pressures of the last 10 yrs, including your depression, your H remains 95% all you need - a supportive, great guy...and you want to ask for an open marriage so you can have sex with your casanova tennis coach. Just THINK before you throw away the best thing you ever had for this cliche.

 

I guarantee that if you bring this up with your H, you'll damage your M. If you go through with it, I think your H will leave, if not now, then eventually. And then I bet you all of a sudden you'll realize what an amazing catch your H is, how you can't believe you thought that sex with some random guy was more interesting, and that you would do anything to rewind time to stop yourself from making this really stupid decision.

 

Keep this as a fantasy - seriously...try to reconnect with your H unless you are willing to risk losing him over this.

[mybrowneyedgirl]

im one of those pot calling the kettle blackers. im sorry, but shes not asking for an open marriage. she doesnt want them to pursue new experiences together. she wants ONE man. one that shes already involved with. she wants to have an affair but wants permission first and is justifying it by saying he can do it as well. sure in any A there would seemingly be less guilt if you thought your spouse was doing it as well.

[whichwayisup]

This is going to end in disaster. Either you stay married and faithful to your husband, or you divorce. Mybrown is RIGHT. This isn't a case of having an open marriage' it's a case of "I want to mess around with OM". And yes, she's waiting for her H's permission.

 

Before you met this OM, thoughts of having an open marriage never entered your mind, yes?

 

Be honest with yourself. Ask yourself is this really what you want because once that door opens (IF your H agrees to this) everything can and will change, probably not for the better.

[Malenfant]

i dont think you really want this man.

 

you've developed an infatuation with him because he happened to be around while you were finding yourself again.

you're attaching him to the way you're feeling now, enjoying yourself doing something you used to do years ago. But you would still be enjoying yourself regardless of if he was there or not.

 

you're going through some changes right now, and its all too easy to attach people to those changes and give them more importance in your situation.

 

You've stated that your husband gives you 95%, and this man only 5%, so why would you risk 95% for the sake of 5%?

 

I would also mention the term 'mid life crisis'.

believe me, i dont mean that in a nasty way, i just think you should realise that there are alot of factors here that are contributing to the importance you are putting onto this man.

 

I'm sure that after years of marriage, someone new and exciting is going to seem an attractive prospect, but it seems like you're putting this man on a pedestal.

[GorillaTheater]

You say that you would not be opposed to your husband doing the same thing, so why not offer that to your husband first and see how that works for you, tell him "Honey, I think you should go and find a new woman to screw.. I will be here waiting for you when you are done, and it will all be okay."

 

While he is out make sure you don't get upset.

 

Make sure you don't wonder if he will start to have an EMOTIONAL attachment to his new partner. (which is what you have already admitted to having with your tennis pro)

 

Make sure you don't wonder if he will fall in love and decide that someone who doesn't want to "share" their spouse is a better fit for him.

 

Make sure not to worry that the fact that he, too, is a parent to two Autistic children and the stress involved in that may make him want "freedom" as well, or that perhaps he has sacrificed a part of himself to do what is right for his family and life with another woman and "part time parenting" may start to become attractive to him rather than the full responsibilty he lives up to now.

 

Make sure you don't wonder about if he will bring you home a disease. Or have another child with someone younger. Or any of the other possible things that could happen as a result of this.

 

Be careful what you ask for... you just may get it.

 

This is gold.

 

GotItBad, you want an open marriage for your benefit, not the benefit of your marriage. I'm not sure if you've full consideration to the other side of the coin, and I suggest you spend some time seriously thinking through the scenarios presented by FallenAngel.

[confusedinkansas]

but shes not asking for an open marriage. she doesnt want them to pursue new experiences together. .

 

Open Marriages are not always a "Group / Together" thing.

 

There are several levels of "OPENNESS" in the Open Marriage definition.

 

Have you thought about mentioning to your husband that you'd like to try something new sexually - Get his take on the whole Open Marriage concept. You'd be surprised what a lot of people think about this particular issue / lifestyle.

 

Just ask your husband what his take is on Open Marriages. Period! IMO: Holding On has the BEST advice yet.

 

You are obviously getting the typical LS Knee Jerk opinions here.....Divorce Your Husband!!!! You're Already In An Affair!!!! You're Just Justifying Your Guilt!!! I don't buy it - but then I've never bought into the Knee Jerk on affairs theory that most have here.

[boldjack]

CIK, How is your "knee jerk", validation of infidelity, any different from someone else's "knee jerk", condemnation? Both are expressing an opinion, but you are attacking other posters. Just because you disagree with someone, there's no need to snarl at them.:)

[NoIDidn't]

I think its really hard to turn a previously monogamous marriage into a polygamous one.

 

When you ask the questions about it, the first question they will have for you is if you already have a person in mind. And if you do have a person in mind, they will rightly feel that you only want the marriage open to have sex with this one person.

 

That's not how open marriages work.

 

There is no build up of sexual tension with one person outside of the marriage and then asking permission to do it, and offering the other the same option assuming they will have to find a person.

 

This is not a conversation to have when you already have a person in mind. This is a conversation to have when you are interesting in truly changing your lifestyle to accommodate each others desires to gain more sexual experiences. Its not a little extra nookie on the side on "Saturdays" with one person. It is life changing for the entire family (not that you have to tell the entire family, but things will change since the marriage wasn't open before and people will notice something different).

 

Having someone in mind already just makes it seem like you just want permission to cheat, though.

 

I realize the OP hasn't been back, but I wonder if she also has other prospects.

[WalkInThePark]

And it was at this club that I met him... the man that brought me back to life.

 

I understand that it was hard to be so focused on your girls and their problems. But why on earth did you need someone else, another human being to bring you back to life? Can't you do that yourself? Can't you do that in your relationship (seen that it is apparently a good one, also sexually).

 

Don't jeopardize the good things you have. You will open Pandora's box.

[Dexter Morgan]

Yet how do you say to your spouse, “I would like for us to consider an open marriage”? As much as I can imagine, I think I would be okay if my husband had the same arrangement with another woman. Lots to consider . I would appreciate any thoughts. As you can imagine, I can’t talk to anyone about this. It is consuming alot of my thoughts lately. Thanks for listening.

 

Well whether or not you got physical with this man, you are already cheating on him. You are already unfaithful.

 

You have the guts to develop something with this other man, just have the guts to come out and say it.

 

You THINK you would be okay with your H with another woman? So basically here is what would more than likely happen. You will want your double standard.

 

In any case, just come out and say it. Because its clear you really aren't fit for marriage. And if your husband wants no part of an open marriage and ends up divorcing you....then that is what is in the cards for you. Because you aren't going to be happy staying faithful to your husband.

 

And if he is into it and wants to do it...then great!!!

 

Sorry to be so graphic, but that is exactly how it is and how you will look at it.

 

So you have the tits enough to develop some kind of sexually interested relationship with Mr. Tennis Pro......have the guts to ask for that which you really want. Otherwise all you are going to end up doing is cheating behind his back and that isn't fair to him.

Edited October 29, 2009 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Dexter Morgan]

Just ask your husband what his take is on Open Marriages. Period! IMO: Holding On has the BEST advice yet.

 

and if her H says open marriages disgust him and would never want anything to do with one.....then all the OP will do is end up cheating behind his back.

[gopher]

This is gold.

 

GotItBad, you want an open marriage for your benefit, not the benefit of your marriage. I'm not sure if you've full consideration to the other side of the coin, and I suggest you spend some time seriously thinking through the scenarios presented by FallenAngel.

 

 

Perfect GT and Fallen Angel....

 

OP, I bet you haven't considered your H having sex with other women.

[wheelwright]

What I did

 

I was 40% happy (so 60% unhappy) in my marriage. I started having feelings for another guy (MM). Passionate, love, swoony feelings. I avoided the guy.

 

Eventually I couldn't avoid him or my feelings, so I let him know hoping he wouldn't feel the same way and we could laugh it off.

 

He felt the same, and after some time of conscience battling we had sex. And an on/off A. It was amazing.

 

I couldn't bear the guilt and told H I wanted to split up. Then I couldn't bear to split up and suggested an open marriage. As soon as I had suggested it I knew it wasn't the issue. He did too.

 

I put my H through lots of pain.

 

I had an amazing intimate irreplaceable experience with someone I fell in love with.

 

What I wish I had done

 

Spent a long time working out how to get the other 60% with my H before letting my feelings stray. Once they had strayed, it was too late.

 

If you think your feelings won't grow for the OM, you are probably wrong. So perhaps think about that 95% and consider yourself very lucky. You do not want to bring pain to your H. Consider NC with OM.

 

You sound like a nice person who cares deeply for their marriage. I didn't care enough for mine, and now feel sad about it. But I risked with only 40% stake. You have a lot to lose.

 

I think your H will see through the open marriage question, especially as he knows you connect with OM. It will hurt him.

 

Maybe if you talk to your H the other feelings will abate. Secrecy is a hothouse for yearning. Laugh with your H about these MLC feelings, which is perhaps what they are.

 

If you think it is possible and your feelings won't overpower you, you could have a long flirtatious friendship with OM which nourishes you both without being hurtful, but there is a line between this and an EA. It would have to be light, and you maintain your H as the main focus of intimacy in your life. I would have liked this in my situation, but the feelings were way too strong, the intimacy too wonderful.

[confusedinkansas]

CIK, How is your "knee jerk", validation of infidelity, any different from someone else's "knee jerk", condemnation? Both are expressing an opinion, but you are attacking other posters. Just because you disagree with someone, there's no need to snarl at them.:)

 

Not snarling nor attacking

 

All I'm saying is that so many here don't even give a marriage a chance. The automatically "knee jerk" & say it's over. No questions asked.

 

And, that's fine...But there are other ways to handle certain situations. The original poster here is looking at options. Good for her. If she wants to handle her situation with the possibility of an open marriage - then that's her decision. If I were her friend, I'd support that.

 

But I also think that throwing away a very long term marriage over something that can be fixed is just not a smart move. And IF it can be fixed (however that is accomplished) then it should be.

 

The poster here has not had an affair Looks like she's contemplating one. I wouldn't recommend it - that's why I think that asking her husband about his take on open marriage - is a good first step (If she thinks he won't freak out)

[GorillaTheater]

The poster here has not had an affair Looks like she's contemplating one. I wouldn't recommend it - that's why I think that asking her husband about his take on open marriage - is a good first step (If she thinks he won't freak out)

 

If my wife asks for an open marriage, I'm going to start thinking about the logistics of divorce. If I found out that she asked so that she'd have a license to screw a certain guy in particular, then I'm going to do more than merely consider divorce. I'm not sure that counts as "freaking out", but it's a possibility that the OP may want to consider in her own situation. It's a high-stakes game she's playing.

[Untouchable_Fire]

Yet how do you say to your spouse, “I would like for us to consider an open marriage”? As much as I can imagine, I think I would be okay if my husband had the same arrangement with another woman. Lots to consider . I would appreciate any thoughts. As you can imagine, I can’t talk to anyone about this. It is consuming alot of my thoughts lately. Thanks for listening.

 

If your Husband is so great... how can you want the other guy?

 

Your story doesn't make any rational sense. I would be embarrassed to be in your shoes. Maybe instead of an open marriage, you should be seeing a counselor or psychiatrist.