Recv'd the following text from OM... read on LS friends!

[FeelingLonely98]

FL98

 

I wonder is part of the attraction by the 18 year old and your STBXW is the possiblity that she is letting him drink beer? If so, and she gets busted it won't last long

 

Gallon

 

she claims he doesn't drink. But they constantly go to clubs for dancing. Says he "talks" his way into letting them let him in. (must be 21 here in FL.) If it's true then she has her designated driver each time and he has his easy lay of slightly inebriated middle aged woman.

[FeelingLonely98]

FL98

 

As to second thoughts of not having given my XW a second chance. I was in the pit once, and once was enough. The reality is that had we reconciled, moved on with our lives and had Dennis the Menace and his little sister, my guess is I would have eventually found myself back in the pit, and then I would have had to deal with the kids. It would have been unbearable to have to pay her and her new man to raise my kids. So running was best in the long run.

 

Gallon

 

Why are you so certain you would have been back in the pit?

 

I am not expecting a reconciliation and not hoping for one ... just wondering ... there has to be succesful reconciliations ... AND there has to be succesful reconciliations that WOULD have happened but the BS at that point didn't want to try.

[FeelingLonely98]

FL98

 

Just get out there. Be friendly. It won't take long to redevelop your social skills. First lesson, when you catch a lady or ladies at the bar looking at you, just smile ... The choice is yours, they can dance with you or somebody else.

 

TY for the words of encouragement and advice. This Sat. my sons will be with me and we're going to my Sister's house to hang out and walk around the neighborhood with the smaller kids.

 

OK, Just smile. I'll start there. Dumb question from me --> Will most women, if there is some attraction, will they come over and make the first "move", or do they expect the guy to? (There's always exceptions - just asking in general?)

[Beebie]

OK, Just smile. I'll start there. Dumb question from me --> Will most women, if there is some attraction, will they come over and make the first "move", or do they expect the guy to? (There's always exceptions - just asking in general?)

 

FL98 - these days many women are confident enough to make the first move. I couldn't do it though. I still think most ladies like a guy to approach them first. Might be wrong though - it's so long since I was single I'm way out of touch. That worries me actually. By the time I'm ready to get back out there, I won't know what to do, or say.

[sumdude]

OK, Just smile. I'll start there. Dumb question from me --> Will most women, if there is some attraction, will they come over and make the first "move", or do they expect the guy to? (There's always exceptions - just asking in general?)

 

Some will but most will not. They may signal attraction in subtle ways but usually the man still has to start the interaction.

 

I wasn't a huge dater before my marriage and since the divorce it's been a constant learning experience. The trick is building a new circle of friends. You'll find some women friends who you can just hang out and talk with. Go into each experience as getting to know someone new. The hard part is getting the "I'm married" program out of your head.

 

I was so used to being in a committed relationship that a the first few times I started getting involved with someone I would fall into the comfortable pattern. It's about managing your expectations.

 

You'll have some interesting experiences for sure.

[FeelingLonely98]

FL98 - these days many women are confident enough to make the first move. I couldn't do it though. I still think most ladies like a guy to approach them first. Might be wrong though - it's so long since I was single I'm way out of touch. That worries me actually. By the time I'm ready to get back out there, I won't know what to do, or say.

 

that is where I am now - and I feel the same way!!!!!!

[FeelingLonely98]

Some will but most will not. They may signal attraction in subtle ways but usually the man still has to start the interaction.

 

I wasn't a huge dater before my marriage and since the divorce it's been a constant learning experience. The trick is building a new circle of friends. You'll find some women friends who you can just hang out and talk with. Go into each experience as getting to know someone new. The hard part is getting the "I'm married" program out of your head.

 

I was so used to being in a committed relationship that a the first few times I started getting involved with someone I would fall into the comfortable pattern. It's about managing your expectations.

 

You'll have some interesting experiences for sure.

 

What do you mean by the BOLD part above?

[sumdude]

What do you mean by the BOLD part above?

 

Getting too comfortable too quickly with someone new. Basically acting married when you're just barely dating. Getting used to dating and more casual relationships might take a while. Subconsciously trying to fill the void where your ex was.

[FeelingLonely98]

Getting too comfortable too quickly with someone new. Basically acting married when you're just barely dating. Getting used to dating and more casual relationships might take a while. Subconsciously trying to fill the void where your ex was.

 

Gotcha!!! That is what I have folks I am afraid of. I fear I may "fall in love" with the first nice woman who gives me a little attention. I guess I need to make it clear to those gals that I feel a connection with that I'm taking it slowly as I just got out of a relationship. That I'm open to whatever may become of it - just taking it slowly???? Sound right? Don't wanna scare someone by saying I want nothing by casual friendship nor say just got out a very difficult D.

 

Wow - Went to have a few beers at a sports bar while waiting for my sis and then we went to get some pizza. Still felt uncomfortable. Even the nice bartender Jessica - she tried to talk to me but I sort of didn't feel like it. I can't force myself to - I want the interaction. The fella next to me struck a little conversation about a game that was on - I also didn't feel like chatting with him. It feels so weird to be out alone like this.

[JaneDoe35]

I think you are doing amazingly FL, you are being so proactive and getting out there even though you are not sure what you are doing.

 

I really admire you and wish I had just half of your courage. You are taking yourself out of your comfort zone.

 

Wish I could take a leaf out of your book.

 

Well done!!!!

 

JD

[FeelingLonely98]

I think you are doing amazingly FL, you are being so proactive and getting out there even though you are not sure what you are doing.

I really admire you and wish I had just half of your courage. You are taking yourself out of your comfort zone.

Wish I could take a leaf out of your book.

Well done!!!! JD

 

Thanks Jane - Your words mean a lot. I'm trying. I wish I would wake up & not care about the STBXW. (I wish I didn't love her anymore... ) Would make all of this easier. Maybe because of how harsh she has treated me, how she just turned off all her feelings fo me and the M almost overnight, how she never tried once to explore a reparation of the M after the ILYBINILWY speech, - maybe because of all this I am ALREADY where I am. In some ways those that have some hope from their STBXs - I think it makes it worse. So in some ways I am grateful to the b*tch, oops, I mean STBXW!! I just had to!!

 

I've decided I'm going try to find some events to go to ... maybe volunteer ... I joined a social club that I found in my area

on meetup. com. ... ETC.

Hey - If anything I try is not right for me, then I do something different next time, right?

 

It helps ME to post about my experiences - AND if someone reads something in a post of mine that helps THEM, then even if I never knew it, it's all worth it. So many have helped me here on LS, I feel like owe it to tell my story - no matter how horrid it may be!!! - in the small chance that I may help others.

 

I still owe you that cold beer mate!!

Edited October 30, 2009 by FeelingLonely98

[JaneDoe35]

Thanks Jane - Your words mean a lot. I'm trying. I wish I would wake up & not care about the STBXW. (I wish I didn't love her anymore... ) Would make all of this easier. Maybe because of how harsh she has treated me, how she just turned off all her feelings fo me and the M almost overnight, how she never tried once to explore a reparation of the M after the ILYBINILWY speech, - maybe because of all this I am ALREADY where I am. In some ways those that have some hope from their STBXs - I think it makes it worse. So in some ways I am grateful to the b*tch, oops, I mean STBXW!! I just had to!!

 

I've decided I'm going try to find some events to go to ... maybe volunteer ... I joined a social club that I found in my area

on meetup. com. ... ETC.

Hey - If anything I try is not right for me, then I do something different next time, right?

 

It helps ME to post about my experiences - AND if someone reads something in a post of mine that helps THEM, then even if I never knew it, it's all worth it. So many have helped me here on LS, I feel like owe it to tell my story - no matter how horrid it may be!!! - in the small chance that I may help others.

 

I still owe you that cold beer mate!!

 

Hey FL, I know you still love your wife but you appear to be more of a realist than me. You are doing what is appropriate considering the position you have been forced into.

 

She really is a b*tch right now and my husband is being a complete as***le. And that is a lot coming from me as I don't swear often. Sorry for insulting your wife but she has taken the cake as far as her choice of other man. (Have no problems with others swearing though!!!!). I also now believe in aliens as one has taken over my husbands body.

 

Today was my worst day yet....fell into the depths of despair to be honest. Tomorrow will be better than today as there cant be any lower.

 

I have added you on my contacts so anytime you are in Sydney just send me a message with the details of your stay and we can have that cold beer. You sound like a true blue aussie!!!!

 

Take care FL, your posts are great and are very helpful to me. When I read them I think "I can be more like him".....

 

JD

[FeelingLonely98]

Hey FL, I know you still love your wife but you appear to be more of a realist than me. You are doing what is appropriate considering the position you have been forced into.

 

Yes, I do love her. In spite of what she's done to me - and the fact that I know there are much better women out there - I would take her back today if she was in the right frame of mind. I just have 0% hope or thought that it will happen and I am focusing on life ahead without her. If I even hung on to 1% hope then I could not function.

 

She really is a b*tch right now and my husband is being a complete as***le. And that is a lot coming from me as I don't swear often. Sorry for insulting your wife but she has taken the cake as far as her choice of other man. (Have no problems with others swearing though!!!!). I also now believe in aliens as one has taken over my husbands body.

 

LOL - I've used the aliens analogy several times before.

Please - no offense taken. Whou wouldn't think she is a b*tch. I've had many posts that say my situation is about the worst they've seen on LS!!! (47 yr ol leaves a good H for an 18 yo boy!!!)

 

Today was my worst day yet....fell into the depths of despair to be honest. Tomorrow will be better than today as there cant be any lower.

 

A couple of days ago was my worst in a LONG time. It got better. It will for you too.

 

Take care FL, your posts are great and are very helpful to me. When I read them I think "I can be more like him".....

JD

 

I've also added you as a contact. Your daughter is beautiful. Have a great weekend. It WILL get better JD35

[PWSX3]

I don't think there is anything wrong with you still loving your stbxw, God put that feeling in us for a reason, we are meant to love.

 

I also feel that when you are the person that got left you still see the good things you had in the relationship, the good things you did together where the one that left just sees the bad so it makes it easier for them....For me it wasn't until I started to look at the bad things the former wife did or didn't do that finally made me understand that no it wasn't all my fault like she had tried to make me believe that it was both of us. Once I started seeing it that way it made it easier for me to work on what I could to make myself better & that is all you can do.

 

You also have to remember that this didn't just happen overnight, it has been going on for years & at some point they just break & say; that is enough. Doesn't mean what they do is right but they don't just walk away that day or that week......

[FeelingLonely98]

I don't think there is anything wrong with you still loving your stbxw, God put that feeling in us for a reason, we are meant to love.

 

TY - I just wish I would stop feeling like this towards her as I have no hope of us ever being together again..

 

I also feel that when you are the person that got left you still see the good things you had in the relationship, the good things you did together where the one that left just sees the bad so it makes it easier for them....For me it wasn't until I started to look at the bad things the former wife did or didn't do that finally made me understand that no it wasn't all my fault like she had tried to make me believe that it was both of us. Once I started seeing it that way it made it easier for me to work on what I could to make myself better & that is all you can do.

 

GOOD points. I really think it has little to do with me and most everything to do with her. She had everything good here and we could have worked it out if she had tried. But she is too deep in MLC and there is no way she's getting out any time soon. She pointed out two minor flaws in me as her "excuse". If I didn't have those she would have figured out something else to blame me for - i.e., make herself feel less guilty and more justified.

 

You also have to remember that this didn't just happen overnight, it has been going on for years & at some point they just break & say; that is enough. Doesn't mean what they do is right but they don't just walk away that day or that week......

 

I agree - not overnight - but my 47 yr old STBXW's outward display of emotions DID change overnight. One week loving, having sex, texting and emailing sweet messages to me, going out and having fun, ... Then 63 days ago (9 weeks!!) she tells me ILYBINILWY. It was the EA and MLC that made her jump ship and turn off her emotions like a light switch. Probably told the 18 yr old BF that her M was horrid, she never loved me, has been unhappy for years, ETC. the usual!!!

I believe the best of Ms have unhappy times when vulnerability is high and under the right (or wrong?) circumstances one spouse could leave or cheat. And, I think many of these Ms could probably have been salvaged and the H & W lived out their remaining in relative happiness and love.

 

My take ...

 

PEACE!

[Beebie]

Yes, I do love her. In spite of what she's done to me - and the fact that I know there are much better women out there - I would take her back today if she was in the right frame of mind. I just have 0% hope or thought that it will happen and I am focusing on life ahead without her. If I even hung on to 1% hope then I could not function.

 

I understand perfectly what you are saying here. Right up until last night I clung on to hope. I waited for H to come home so I could ask him if it was his financial/business problems that had caused him to do this. Just before he got home I accidentally burned my hand on the cooker and spent the next hour with my hand in an ice bucket - while he fell asleep in the chair! He spoke to me briefly this morning about some unimportant stuff and was as detached as ever. I've lost all hope now and will start divorce proceedings on Monday.

[Beebie]

I also now believe in aliens as one has taken over my husbands body.

 

Today was my worst day yet....fell into the depths of despair to be honest. Tomorrow will be better than today as there cant be any lower.

JD

 

Jane - I think the hardest part in all this is not understanding how, or why, they became somebody else. They cease to be what we loved and who they were. I don't understand it and I don't think I ever will.

[FeelingLonely98]

Jane - I think the hardest part in all this is not understanding how, or why, they became somebody else. They cease to be what we loved and who they were. I don't understand it and I don't think I ever will.

 

beebie - my thoughts exactly --> My STBXW may or may not have had these unhappy feelings for a while - but just until a few weeks before the ILYBINILWY bomb drop - my STBXW was the same sweet, loving, s*xy, nice, fun, supportive, initimate, caring girl I've known for 16 years, just a little older. I never had a care that she looked older than 16 yrs ago. As a matter of fact I sorta thought it was beautiful that her body had aged and I had stayed as in love with her and as attracted to her as ever - that it didn't matter to me one bit.

 

To h*ll with that mother f*ck*ng ALIEN that has invaded her body!!!

 

Hope your burned hand is better!!

[Logik]

I don't think it's about understanding it. That'll make you go insane. Whether you understand why they did it or not isn't gonna change the fact that they did it. The only thing you can do is accept it and move on. Understanding is only important if reconciliation is happening, so you can get past what has been done to continue a healthy relationship. Right now, it doesn't really matter, carrying on with your life is the only thing that matters.

 

You need to be a little selfish about "YOU" now, because the only person who you're guaranteed to be with for the rest of your life is YOURSELF. Try to fully understand THAT person, not other people, that's their problem. Be happy with that person because once you are, nobody can make you feel as bad as you do now, whatever they do to you.

[FeelingLonely98]

I don't think it's about understanding it. That'll make you go insane. Whether you understand why they did it or not isn't gonna change the fact that they did it. The only thing you can do is accept it and move on. Understanding is only important if reconciliation is happening, so you can get past what has been done to continue a healthy relationship. Right now, it doesn't really matter, carrying on with your life is the only thing that matters.

 

You need to be a little selfish about "YOU" now, because the only person who you're guaranteed to be with for the rest of your life is YOURSELF. Try to fully understand THAT person, not other people, that's their problem. Be happy with that person because once you are, nobody can make you feel as bad as you do now, whatever they do to you.

 

Gr8 words from Logik (as usual).

 

You're right. I'm gonna try to spend as much of this weekend as possible NOT trying to figure this out. As a matter of fact I may log off of LS now and not come back today. My sons will be with me this weekend and I plan on having a wonderful weekend ... It's Halloween --> BOO!!!

 

Thanks again Logik.

[Beebie]

I don't think it's about understanding it. That'll make you go insane. Whether you understand why they did it or not isn't gonna change the fact that they did it. The only thing you can do is accept it and move on. Understanding is only important if reconciliation is happening, so you can get past what has been done to continue a healthy relationship. Right now, it doesn't really matter, carrying on with your life is the only thing that matters.

 

You need to be a little selfish about "YOU" now, because the only person who you're guaranteed to be with for the rest of your life is YOURSELF. Try to fully understand THAT person, not other people, that's their problem. Be happy with that person because once you are, nobody can make you feel as bad as you do now, whatever they do to you.

 

Logik - I understand what you are saying and I know you're right. I just wish it was that easy. When you've based your marriage on trust and honesty (as I did), there is a desperate need to understand what led them to just suddenly "check out" of the marriage and become someone you don't know. It's wrong, I know, but understanding it is part of the closure procedure. Perhaps it's because I'm still in the raw stages.

 

I am now where my sister was 6 years ago. Her partner left without a word and she understood nothing, because he told her nothing. One day he asked her to get engaged, the next day he was gone. She got no closure whatsover and it took her 3 years to fully recover because the why's and wherefore's were swimming around in her head. Some people are stronger than others.

 

That said, you are absolutely right in saying the only thing to do now is accept it and move on. I haven't cried today - perhaps that's a start.

[sumdude]

Logik - I understand what you are saying and I know you're right. I just wish it was that easy. When you've based your marriage on trust and honesty (as I did), there is a desperate need to understand what led them to just suddenly "check out" of the marriage and become someone you don't know. It's wrong, I know, but understanding it is part of the closure procedure. Perhaps it's because I'm still in the raw stages.

 

I am now where my sister was 6 years ago. Her partner left without a word and she understood nothing, because he told her nothing. One day he asked her to get engaged, the next day he was gone. She got no closure whatsover and it took her 3 years to fully recover because the why's and wherefore's were swimming around in her head. Some people are stronger than others.

 

That said, you are absolutely right in saying the only thing to do now is accept it and move on. I haven't cried today - perhaps that's a start.

 

 

It can take a while to recover, to shut down that damn machine in your head. It's been close to three years since my ex suddenly left and along with a lot of other events in that time I finally feel like myself again. There were times where it was force of will to turn my mind away from all those thoughts but there were days the will just wasn't there.

[FeelingLonely98]

That said, you are absolutely right in saying the only thing to do now is accept it and move on. I haven't cried today - perhaps that's a start.

 

There's no crying on LS!!!

(That's a take on the the movie saying --> "There's no crying in baseball" - Tom Hanks (A League of Their Own)

 

Good for you Beebie. Be strong ...

 

:):bunny::)

[2.50 a gallon]

FL98

 

Perhaps I can provide some insight

 

I always loved women. I always lived in apartments, spring time was bikini blossom time. To be blunt to I was a p*ssy hound. The flavor of the month is a close metaphor, I quickly tired of vanilla, and wanted to try a new flavor.

 

I have been monogomous for the past 14 years. I never would have guessed that I could have lasted this long without cheating. Part of the reason I am able to remain faithfull is that I have sowed my wild oats, and now value the closesness of a loving relationship. And also part of it is I have grown older, matured, and I no longer have a rush of hormones. I now value a quiet evening at home, working on puzzles together, spending the day with her working on our flowers, etc.

 

At age 47 I began counting down to the great 50, 3 years to go, followed by 2 years to go. To me it was like 50 was a stop sign, a reminder that none of us last forever.

 

Now lets say I had married young, maybe had less than a half a dozen lover, and the 50 stop sign began looming over the horizon. I am sure I would have gone nuts, and began chasing all of the younger women that I could, trying to relive my lost youth, that I wasted by being married and faithful all this time.

 

That is part of an MLC and also from I understand a sudden surge of hormones, the pushed the partner into trying to fill in what they have lost.

 

Yes you are right your STBXW was in love with you 4 months ago, but the looming stop sign, and a change in the hormones morphed her into becoming an alien.

 

Another example, in my mid 20's I did fall in love and get engaged. We lasted about 3 years. Between the sheets, she was one of the most awesome lovers I have ever know. But after a couple of years, it became boring, we had tried about everything there is to do. The sex was still great, and I did my best to remain faithful, but it was a hopeless cause, the lure of the new was just too strong, even though my affair partners couldn't come close to my fiance, my urges over came common sense.

[2.50 a gallon]

FL98

 

In another thread you asked whether I had married the girl I fell in love with on the second date.

 

The answer is no, but she is my present GF and we are very much in love.

 

She had also been in a bad marriage, Her XH was a control freak and very abusive mentally and emotionally. I listened when she said she never wanted to get married again. And that is part of the deal, we have no need to get married, we are not going to have kids. We stay together by choice, not because of some piece of paper

 

In the decade between her divorce and our dating she had been pursued by several guys, and they didn't listen when she told them she never wanted to marry again. Eventually they would try to push, and she would run out the back door.

 

At first it didn't loook good for me, as she also did not believe that she could ever love again. The XBF made a try and she was tempted as she still had deep feelings for him. But we had had 9 months together, and she had started to develop deep feelings, especially trust in me.