Recv'd the following text from OM... read on LS friends!

[FeelingLonely98]

And that is part of the deal, we have no need to get married, we are not going to have kids. We stay together by choice, not because of some piece of paper...

 

If it was up to you and only YOU - about 12-13 years ago would you have taken your commitment to the next level and gotten married?

 

I'm happy for your strong relationship. I read somewhere that unmarried couples have a better succes rate than married couples.

[FeelingLonely98]

FL98 Perhaps I can provide some insight

I always loved women. I always lived in apartments, spring time was bikini blossom time. To be blunt to I was a p*ssy hound. The flavor of the month is a close metaphor, I quickly tired of vanilla, and wanted to try a new flavor.

 

I loved (love) women and sex with them all my life as well. However, I've only had 7 lovers. Never felt the need to play the field. Still don't. I really enjoyed the love and companionship of a partner, whether it be a HS gf, a college gf, or my STBXW!

 

I have been monogomous for the past 14 years. I never would have guessed that I could have lasted this long without cheating. Part of the reason I am able to remain faithfull is that I have sowed my wild oats, and now value the closesness of a loving relationship. And also part of it is I have grown older, matured, and I no longer have a rush of hormones. I now value a quiet evening at home, working on puzzles together, spending the day with her working on our flowers, etc.

 

16 years monogamy for me. I would have NEVER cheated on my 47 yr old STBXW. I know this for a fact. Apparently, my STBXW likes a little more excitement. (She goes out to clubs with her 18 yo BF, has all kinds of sex with him, is planning to start a new life with him from scratch when she can afford an apt. - they will live together, ...) We had grown somewhat "quiet" in our upper 40s, 16 years into our relationship. I was ok with that lifestyle, but I also liked (still do) the quicker pace lifestyle. I would have loved to go dancing several times a month, more vacations, more outings, more partys, ... I justy had no f*ck*ng idea as the STBXW never told me and by the time the MLC kicked she was already in too dep.

 

At age 47 I began counting down to the great 50, 3 years to go, followed by 2 years to go. To me it was like 50 was a stop sign, a reminder that none of us last forever.

 

Can I ask your age now 2.50?

 

That is part of an MLC and also from I understand a sudden surge of hormones, the pushed the partner into trying to fill in what they have lost.

Yes you are right your STBXW was in love with you 4 months ago, but the looming stop sign, and a change in the hormones morphed her into becoming an alien.

 

I had NO IDEA an MLC was in her future, the so-called "looming stop sign".

Can a 47 yr old gal in MLC have a sudden change in hormones? Is it biologically possibly? She doesn't have to "desire" all this sex with her 18 yo BF, just has to spread her legs.

 

Another example, in my mid 20's I did fall in love and get engaged. We lasted about 3 years. Between the sheets, she was one of the most awesome lovers I have ever know. But after a couple of years, it became boring, we had tried about everything there is to do. The sex was still great, and I did my best to remain faithful, but it was a hopeless cause, the lure of the new was just too strong, even though my affair partners couldn't come close to my fiance, my urges over came common sense.

 

Sounds like some of my early s*x partners. We just grew apart...

 

TY for all your time and posting here 2.50. It's always helpful and something to ponder!

 

PEACE!

[beachbabyblues]

This is my first post on ANY site. I was reading your post this a.m. and felt complelled to sign up on this form to send a msg your way. I feel your pain through your words. You sound like an amazing man in a situation that you really had no control of. I happen to be the other woman married to a man that I would describe the way you have described yourself. I don't know how this happened or why, love knows no logic. I am still with my H. I am very conflicted as I love the OM and he loves me.

Question for you, would you rather she stayed with you even if she felt love for the OM, or is it better to do the horourable thing and leave?

I am so sorry for your pain. Truly.

[FeelingLonely98]

This is my first post on ANY site. I was reading your post this a.m. and felt complelled to sign up on this form to send a msg your way. I feel your pain through your words. You sound like an amazing man in a situation that you really had no control of.

 

Welcome to LS bbb. I think you will find much value in belonging to this community. I think all parties (OM, OW, BS, SO, XW, XH, ...) involved in an A or D should participate in discussions here and all will gain and share valuable insight. I hope you do as well.

 

TY bbb - WOW - My story must be really "bad" or "pathetic" or "unbelievable" or something for you to feel compelled to join and post to me. I wish I was exagerrating some or all of this. I think I am a really good guy. Analyzing everything NOW, my 47 yo STBXW is definitely "trading down" from me (unless a young boy is the only thing that she cares about. LOL, I can not be 18 again.) And, not to be critical of her, but if (when?) I find a love interest in the future, I feel almost certain that I will be "trading up". Not to trivialize all this with the "trading" verbiage - it's just the 1st thing that came to mind. My STBXW has TONS of baggage. --> Health issues, no education, no chance for a decent job because she has no in date skills, (she can type good, knows switchboard receptionist duties, ... nothing else), has lots of debt, is a little overweight, folks tell me she is just average in looks, is somewhat superficial (would not go out to the grocery store unless she spent an hour fixing her hair/makeup/clothes), didn't do much around the house (I did my own laundry, cooking, I hired a housekeeper, ETC.).

And you know what? I never cared about any of that - I really didn't even notice...because of how MUCH I loved her unconditionally. Only now looking back do I see these as unattractive qualities in a mate / W. Not that she needs to clean for me or needs to be an equal provider or look like a movie star - that does not make a good spouse. But, I think you get my point.

 

I happen to be the other woman married to a man that I would describe the way you have described yourself. I don't know how this happened or why, love knows no logic. I am still with my H. I am very conflicted as I love the OM and he loves me.

 

My 47 yo STBXW told me she was not in love with him when I found at about the 18 yo OM - at that point I think my STBXW was only involved in an EA. Based on things she subsequently told her son (who in turn told me when we've talked) I believe she now thinks she is (or really is?) in love with him. I know the boy at least tells her he loves her because I saw a bunch of texts 8 weeks ago saying as much. Maybe he truly is or he was just "working" her to get in her skirt? Now they are moving in together in an apt. when she saves up enough.

 

bbb - If you think there is any chance at repairing your M - if you think your H really loves you - If you have any feelings for your H - If you would like to have a loving M (if possible) ... Then I would ask you (implore you? beg you?) to consider talking to your H openly (maybe not tell him about your A) --> but tell him you are having conflicting feelings and you want to "fix" everything. (Focus on you two, why you fell in love, go to MC, etc.) The only way you could seriously do or try this is if you broke with your OM 100% - not just for now, not still in periodic contact, ... you get my drift. 100%.

As for my STBXW, after I found out about the OM on day 12 or so after she asked for a D so she can be "independent", the next day she said she wanted to try because I told her she had to leave or work on the M. She said she told the other M that she wanted to see if she could fix the M. She said she told him something like "if we meet again down the road..." (that should have been my first red flag). Turns out it was a lie because she had nowhere to go (hadn't told her Mom yet!).

Anyway we did tons of things together for 4 days (including two MC sessions) but she showed no emotions to me, wouldn't hold my hand, no kisses, like we were strangers. When I reached out to her she said she was not ready for "that". She was constantly holding her cell in her hand, checking it, texting, running off with it to the bathroom (well, we know what that meant!). Needless to say, she gave no real effort and left for good on day 18. I may have some of the timelines off??

 

Question for you, would you rather she stayed with you even if she felt love for the OM, or is it better to do the horourable thing and leave? I am so sorry for your pain. Truly.

 

If she had no love for me then it is best for her to leave.

She lied about so much in finally leaving that the pain was MUCH worse than it ever needed to be.

I ask all leavers / cheaters to please be as honest with your BS - TRUST ME - unless you want it to hurt your spouse MUCH more than need be, then be honest. Read other BS Threads - you will see many comments that the lies hurt much worse than the actual A.

 

Now in our case, I really think that if the STBXW would have given up the AP (OM) 100% and really tried to work on us, I really feel we could have been one of the rare reconciliation success stories. I've told her that if she really tried and we would have discovered that the love was gone forever, then I would have accepted the split way better.

The Lies, the fact that she never tried, the fact that I never knew a thing was wrong (was totally blindsided), the fact that the snowball on this started when she lost her job and the MLC grew and grew, all of these things make it so difficult for me to accept.

 

Back to your question, NO, I would not want her to stay with me if she didn't love me and never would. Whether she loved the OM or not would not factor in my answer.

 

bbb - TY so much for your post. I have not even read the other one yet!

 

(Sorry all for the rambling)

 

PEACE!

[2.50 a gallon]

FL98

 

Age - plus 60

 

As to remarriage, I am in a little different situation than most others. Since the breakup of my marriage I discovered historical research and over the past 25 years have self published several booklets, plans and drawings, all of which I own the copyrights to. These do provide me with a little pocket change at times. Copyrights are good for 75 years, and the first will fall into public domain around the year 2060, and I am not sure but I think it is also possible, that at that time the holder of the copyright can reup it for another number of years.

 

Nobody knows what the value of these copyrights might produce over the next half century. They could anywhere from worthless running out to the very valuable

 

I do not have any children, but I do have several niece and nephews, who might someday find them of value

 

Were I to remarry the GF, she would be able to claim rights to these copyrights in probate. Being a male and being about 8 years older than my GF I would guess she will probably outlive me by several years, and I would also like her to be able to benefit from them. My understanding of simple probate laws after she passes away, the rights would them fall into the hands of her heirs and not my nieces and nephews and their children.

 

Most of all I do not want my GF's demon daughter to ever gain a single penny from my work.

 

As to unmarried couples having a higher success rate, I can see that as a possibilty. It is akin to holding tightly onto love with an open hand.

 

For us it is simple, "If it ain't broke don't fix it"

 

Gallon

[2.50 a gallon]

FL98

 

Age - plus 60

 

As to remarriage, I am in a little different situation than most others. Since the breakup of my marriage I discovered historical research and over the past 25 years have self published several booklets, plans and drawings, all of which I own the copyrights to. These do provide me with a little pocket change at times. Copyrights are good for 75 years, and the first will fall into public domain around the year 2060, and I am not sure but I think it is also possible, that at that time the holder of the copyright can reup it for another number of years.

 

Nobody knows what the value of these copyrights might produce over the next half century. They could anywhere from worthless running out to the very valuable

 

I do not have any children, but I do have several niece and nephews, who might someday find them of value

 

Were I to remarry the GF, she would be able to claim rights to these copyrights in probate. Being a male and being about 8 years older than my GF I would guess she will probably outlive me by several years, and I would also like her to be able to benefit from them. My understanding of simple probate laws after she passes away, the rights would them fall into the hands of her heirs and not my nieces and nephews and their children.

 

Most of all I do not want my GF's demon daughter to ever gain a single penny from my work.

 

As to unmarried couples having a higher success rate, I can see that as a possibilty. It is akin to holding tightly onto love with an open hand.

 

For us it is simple, "If it ain't broke don't fix it"

 

Gallon

[FeelingLonely98]

FL98 ... Gallon

 

TY for the answers Gallon. Sounds like you started your journey with your current GF about the same age as I am in life right now.