Recv'd the following text from OM... read on LS friends!

[FeelingLonely98]

Hey, man... I think you did just fine. ... you spoke from the heart; it sounds like it was absolutely genuine, without being hostile. Absolutely nothing wrong with showing a little emotion - it sounds like you came off very real and very human, and I admire you for being able to stand your ground, say your piece, and show a little emotion, without completely losing control, either in anger or anything else. Nice job. Bottom line: it sounds like you were true to yourself, and you can damn well walk with your head held high tomorrow. Don't be thinking for a minute that you "didn't do so well." You nailed it, bud, and I admire you for it.

 

Thanks, Like I said I don't regret it. If I had said certain other things or pointed fingers, I think I'd be regretting it. I think if I had said nothing, then I would also be kicking myself. It did come form the heart. Didn't seem to me like it did anything to her though.

 

Aw, who knows? I know you are still trying to figure it all out and make sense of it - believe me, I get that, from personal experience - but you'll just make yourself crazy trying to apply sense and logic to her actions, so don't toss and turn too much about it. Assume that she did what she should have done, and smacked her little puppy on the snout for peeing on the carpet, and just move on...

(PS: I don't advocate smacking real, cute puppies on the snout; I just couldn't resist the metaphor...)

 

Good thing you left that "PS" or SPCA would be after you!! Good One!!

I'm not going to think again about it. When I mentioned this point to someone last night they said to me that I am looking for something to hold on to - told them no, I really feel I've moved on and I'm planning life without her. It was just curious. At least for the first time it shows me she is think with a little clarity. Maybe she will be ok. I still worry about her. (I hope to one day feel nothing for her!)

 

Incidentally, the reason she is so adamant about the assertion that "the signs were everywhere" or whatever is that she has to see the story this way in order not to make it all her fault. By recasting the story in this fashion, she was the victim of the circumstances, and her subsequent actions are all justified in her twisted telling of the story. If she admitted to herself that she didn't do the stand-up thing in the marriage and speak openly and honestly with you before she left, she would look and feel like the real person she is at the moment, and it would be devastating to her to see that person clearly.

 

You are probably right Trimmer - I've always thought she was trying to justify her actions, make herself feel less guilty, ETC. - from day one of this mess. This is just another example.

 

So, not to say that there weren't any problems, or that there weren't things that you guys could have worked on together (again, I'm empathizing based on my own very similar experience) but her strong assertions that it's all on you are certainly a defense mechanism to protect her from the nasty truth of what she's done. If she really examines this whole thing (and herself) eventually, in an honest way, maybe she'll eventually recognize that, but not with the story that she has woven right now...

 

I used to think it was almost all my fault - recently I've come to realize that no, this is mostly about her --> the classic MLC she was in. (See my "My stbxw and HER Midlife Crisis" - for anybody who cares to) She had EVERY one of the classic symptoms. There was not a single one that didn't apply.

 

Anyway, TY for your words. It means a lot. Have a great day!

 

PEACE!

[FeelingLonely98]

Talk, Talk, Talk and Listen, Listen, Listen. Good points!

 

I swear I truly believe REAL honest communication would save more M than anything else. Two-way communication - meaning REAL listening from both sides as well. It would saved my M.

 

But, I suspect she was lying when she said the signs everywhere, she was trying to justify her immoral actions. A simple "I'm not happy" postum note on the bathroom mirror could have gotten the dialog started.

 

For example: I travel a lot for my job. I usually return Friday mid-day or early evening. Maybe twice in the last year I came back on the late Thursday night flight and got home around 12 midninght or so. She didn't seemed thrilled because I had told her I would be home Friday afternoon. I was just surprising her. I didn't expect to awaken her from sleep and for her to jump in my arms or anything. She seemed a little annoyed, but I believe after 15-16 years of a relationship, I could see why a happy W might be annoyed with that juvenile action on my part. Nonetheless, she insisted that was a crystal clear "sign" that she didn't love me. Also, she would kiss me on the way out the door for work, when she got home, and when we went to sleep - and of course when we were making love. After 16 years, I didn't take it as a sign that D was imminent becuase she wasn't kissing me more often than that - therefore I was (am) in denial. This is her shifting blame BIG TIME - I see that now,.

 

Thank your lucky stars you got out with as little financial lose as you did.

 

I am. I can sleep better if for no other reasons than for my sons.

 

So where are all the beautiful women? They are everywhere, the bakery, the grocery store, shopping, church groups, salsa dance classes, and yes the clubs. Your problem is you have been out of circulation and will have to redevelop your flirting skills. Women are just like men, they want to have fun. They also like fine dining, learn to cook some fancy dishes, learn about good cheeses.

 

I am not sure I will even know "how" to talk to women in that way anymore. I will definitely stumble a little while trying to redevelop them!!

 

Your stomach is upset. Sorry but the roller coaster ride is not over. Logic tells you, "you came off smelling like a rose", but try telling that to your emotional side. One day at a time

 

Yep, one day at a time, GOOD MOTTO.

 

Ty 2.50!

[MrMayI]

i think you did very well FL. you didn't get angry or overly emotional.

like everyone else, i can tell you she says the signs were everywhere, just to justify her actions in her mind, and keep up with the story the way she's told it to everyone.

my ex told me she was unhappy at one point. i worked my ass off to make things right. 3 months before the separation she told me i was some sort of superhusband at dinner one night. 4 months after that i start getting word that she was telling everyone her version and that i was "controlling, abusive, and generally mean" for the better part of the marriage. fast forward 4 more months, and she seems to at the least be trying to get back in my good graces.

 

i don't want to say she IS, but i think when the walls tumble down on her, she will probably crawl back.

[FeelingLonely98]

i think you did very well FL. you didn't get angry or overly emotional. like everyone else, i can tell you she says the signs were everywhere, just to justify her actions in her mind, and keep up with the story the way she's told it to everyone.

 

TY MMI - I for one had NO clue. And the signs were not apparent to me. She didn't seem like the happiest W in the world. But I attributed it to external factors: unemployment, $ problems, Father died, her Mother is very unsupportive, son is now grown up, ... ETC. I never thought her stresses were due to me. I adored her and constantly complimented her, always asked if I could help with anything, took her out a lot, anything I could think of. When she was working once or twice a week I would call her and see if she wanted me to pick her up to go out to lunch. She always entusiastically said yes. When I wasn't travelling I worked from my home office and she worked 2 miles from home. It felt to me like things between us were good!! But they were not.

 

my ex told me she was unhappy at one point. i worked my ass off to make things right. 3 months before the separation she told me i was some sort of superhusband at dinner one night. 4 months after that i start getting word that she was telling everyone her version and that i was "controlling, abusive, and generally mean" for the better part of the marriage. fast forward 4 more months, and she seems to at the least be trying to get back in my good graces.

 

My STBXW told me nothing for the last 2 years. 2 years ago she talked some things that were bothering her, I told her I would try to get better, we both cried, I asked her to talk to more if anything was not right. She never said a word.

 

i don't want to say she IS, but i think when the walls tumble down on her, she will probably crawl back.

 

Are you referring to your X or my STBXW?

[MrMayI]

 

Are you referring to your X or my STBXW?

 

your stbx. this will not last with the 18 year old. it just won't. believe me, my 30 year old wife's EA with a 20 year old disgusted me enough. i don't know what i'd do given your situation. you've held it together very nicely, in my opinion. stay strong and stay focused.

[FeelingLonely98]

your stbx. this will not last with the 18 year old. it just won't. believe me, my 30 year old wife's EA with a 20 year old disgusted me enough. i don't know what i'd do given your situation. you've held it together very nicely, in my opinion. stay strong and stay focused.

 

TY MMI - again. IDK what I'd do if she came "crawling back". If it is in 3 or 6 months I am sure I would not even answer the door. If she came back today (hypothetically) I would probably listen to her but be extremely skeptical and untrusting. I told her from the beginning I don't want to be anyone's second choice. We'll see, I'm not planning on it.

 

I opened a thread many weeks ago to see how a BS handled a "crawling back" X - not too many responses, guess it doesn't happen much.

 

strong and focused - sounds like a plan dude. YOU TOO!!

 

PEACE!

[MrMayI]

TY MMI - again. IDK what I'd do if she came "crawling back". If it is in 3 or 6 months I am sure I would not even answer the door. If she came back today (hypothetically) I would probably listen to her but be extremely skeptical and untrusting. I told her from the beginning I don't want to be anyone's second choice. We'll see, I'm not planning on it.

 

I opened a thread many weeks ago to see how a BS handled a "crawling back" X - not too many responses, guess it doesn't happen much.

 

strong and focused - sounds like a plan dude. YOU TOO!!

 

PEACE!

 

that's the best way to get through it. when i handed my x the papers, i had to constantly tell myself not to backtrack. not to tell her this is not what i want, but rather, let her see i meant business.

 

sorry to threadjack, but i want to type this out again. my x has in the past week or so told my mother divorce is something she never wanted for us, talked with me about us going on a date, and called me several times. then, the hug on sunday that has kept me spinning all week. i'm starting to miss HER. not the feelings of being with someone, but HER. i don't know how much longer i can resist anything that gets thrown at me.

 

i've learned in the past couple of days that her EA really went no farther than that, pre-divorce. i don't know if i am willing to allow that to be the fuel to keep us apart forever.

[FeelingLonely98]

sorry to threadjack, but i want to type this out again. my x has in the past week or so told my mother divorce is something she never wanted for us, talked with me about us going on a date, and called me several times. then, the hug on sunday that has kept me spinning all week. i'm starting to miss HER. not the feelings of being with someone, but HER. i don't know how much longer i can resist anything that gets thrown at me.

 

i've learned in the past couple of days that her EA really went no farther than that, pre-divorce. i don't know if i am willing to allow that to be the fuel to keep us apart forever.

 

DUDE - i refrained from saying it before - because I don't want you to get hurt again - but it seems like, though you have a strong wall up now, it seems like you still have some pretty decent (don't wanna say strong necessarily) feelings for her. Maybe you should meet her. I would lay the groundwork though. You should have all the control now in any beginning stages of a reconciliation. Of course, without sounding controlling or demanding - there is a way to do this. Let her know how hurt you were. How you are hesitant to expose to that kind of hurt again. That you want to take it slowly. Maybe even consider having her take an STD test. that would show commitment on her part. She does not know what is floating around in the bloodstream of her partner. IDK, just my thoughts, - wanted to share 'em with you ... Good Luck MMI.

 

PEACE!

[MrMayI]

DUDE - i refrained from saying it before - because I don't want you to get hurt again - but it seems like, though you have a strong wall up now, it seems like you still have some pretty decent (don't wanna say strong necessarily) feelings for her. Maybe you should meet her. I would lay the groundwork though. You should have all the control now in any beginning stages of a reconciliation. Of course, without sounding controlling or demanding - there is a way to do this. Let her know how hurt you were. How you are hesitant to expose to that kind of hurt again. That you want to take it slowly. Maybe even consider having her take an STD test. that would show commitment on her part. She does not know what is floating around in the bloodstream of her partner. IDK, just my thoughts, - wanted to share 'em with you ... Good Luck MMI.

 

PEACE!

 

you're absolutely right, and thanks. i can't live in the denial of it. she seems to have snapped out of her affair fog or whatever, and is back to normal. fool me once.... comes to mind. it would be a very lengthy rebuilding process if it ever came to that, and the second i felt not in control would be the end of that. all of the awful **** was done to me, and our daughter. not her.

 

yeah, she has my heart, and she probably will for a while. i just have to be very, very protective of that.

[FeelingLonely98]

you're absolutely right, and thanks. i can't live in the denial of it. she seems to have snapped out of her affair fog or whatever, and is back to normal. fool me once.... comes to mind. it would be a very lengthy rebuilding process if it ever came to that, and the second i felt not in control would be the end of that. all of the awful **** was done to me, and our daughter. not her.

 

yeah, she has my heart, and she probably will for a while. i just have to be very, very protective of that.

 

just be careful MMI - Take your time. Be careful. go to MC. TALK!! I wish you the best if this is what you want. Don't take advantage of the situation because now you have the control, but guide it gently in the direction YOU want. No more hurt for you. Maybe tell yourself you will try your best but have NO expectations that this will absolutely work. Hey, if it starts working, then you've exceeded your expectations!

 

You should still kick the OM's *ss, if he stops running long enough!

 

GOOD LUCK. Keep us posted ...

 

Though I still love my STBXW - I don't know that I would want to even try. Maybe that's becuase she is still fully involved in her A and MLC.

 

PEACE!

[MrMayI]

just be careful MMI - Take your time. Be careful. go to MC. TALK!! I wish you the best if this is what you want. Don't take advantage of the situation because now you have the control, but guide it gently in the direction YOU want. No more hurt for you. Maybe tell yourself you will try your best but have NO expectations that this will absolutely work. Hey, if it starts working, then you've exceeded your expectations!

 

You should still kick the OM's *ss, if he stops running long enough!

 

GOOD LUCK. Keep us posted ...

 

Though I still love my STBXW - I don't know that I would want to even try. Maybe that's becuase she is still fully involved in her A and MLC.

 

PEACE!

 

i'm still not sure if i want to try. i'll just play it all by ear. i've been to hell and back these past 5 months. i don't know if i'd be willing to even remotely put myself back in that position again.

 

as vindictive and bad as this is, i'm not finished with that guy yet (om). he's going to round a corner one day to find me standing there. i can't say what will happen when that day comes.

[2.50 a gallon]

FL98 and MMI

 

Man this thread is covering lots of ground fast

 

Fate of the OM: In college I was in a frat, so had lots of male brothers, when a brother pinned a girl, we all were there to back him up if somebody else tried to make moves on her. Friends back up friends! Do you follow?

 

As you MMI, I got into my share of tussels. My problem was I am a little guy, who had the apprearance of 125 pound weakling. So there was almost always some big guy thinking he could cut in. But looks can be deceiving, I had this short guy complex, and when push came to shove, I turned very viscious. My motto was "Don't get mad, get even!" and I was patient, it might take years. The end result was I had a rep of someone you don't mess with, for me it was a survival skill

[MrMayI]

 

 

As you MMI, I got into my share of tussels. My problem was I am a little guy, who had the apprearance of 125 pound weakling. So there was almost always some big guy thinking he could cut in. But looks can be deceiving, I had this short guy complex, and when push came to shove, I turned very viscious. My motto was "Don't get mad, get even!" and I was patient, it might take years. The end result was I had a rep of someone you don't mess with, for me it was a survival skill

 

we're in the same position. we even type similarly i've noticed, lol. i'm 145 soaking wet, and 5'9". i've been in a lot of fights that started simply because someone bigger wanted to pick on me. i've been beaten, and i have beaten. this OM is the youth minister guy. i guess i should say former minister. he really is scared ****less. the fact that he lives right around the corner from me makes it very hard not to just pay him a visit in his driveway. well, it did. i know my ex is not speaking to him. she's probably moved on to someone else. i don't know. i've been thinking a lot today. i'm happier alone. i don't think i'm really too interested in even the remote possibility of the last 5 months ever happening to me again. this has been hell, but i've found the light, and i think i'd be sliding backwards into the tunnel by fraternizing with my x.

[FeelingLonely98]

we're in the same position. we even type similarly i've noticed, lol. i'm 145 soaking wet, and 5'9". i've been in a lot of fights that started simply because someone bigger wanted to pick on me. i've been beaten, and i have beaten. this OM is the youth minister guy. i guess i should say former minister. he really is scared ****less. the fact that he lives right around the corner from me makes it very hard not to just pay him a visit in his driveway. well, it did. i know my ex is not speaking to him. she's probably moved on to someone else. i don't know. i've been thinking a lot today. i'm happier alone. i don't think i'm really too interested in even the remote possibility of the last 5 months ever happening to me again. this has been hell, but i've found the light, and i think i'd be sliding backwards into the tunnel by fraternizing with my x.

 

MMI - You are back and forth big time today. I guess just go with the flow dude. IF a day comes when you feel like testing the waters with the X again, you'll know.

 

BTW - I am 6'2" 201 lbs. and in good shape (even in my mid-40s) and I have not been in a fight since HS. Maybe because I am big enogh that most wouldn't want to "test" me? Also, in general I am a mild-mannered passive guy. So, I guess I don't really make waves ...

[MrMayI]

MMI - You are back and forth big time today. I guess just go with the flow dude. IF a day comes when you feel like testing the waters with the X again, you'll know.

 

BTW - I am 6'2" 201 lbs. and in good shape (even in my mid-40s) and I have not been in a fight since HS. Maybe because I am big enogh that most wouldn't want to "test" me? Also, in general I am a mild-mannered passive guy. So, I guess I don't really make waves ...

 

that's a good thing. my best friend is that size, and he never fights. he had to pull me off a guy in a bar before, and caught a club across his knee, resulting in 2 surgeries. i felt like **** about it for a long time.

 

i am. i'm all over the place, and i'm sorry for it being in your thread FL. the flow. i'm going to have to go with it. i'm bad about trying to MAKE everything happen, and this is something i can't. i may need to go have a beer this evening and talk to some women just to get my mind off of this. thanks for the accomodating space FL.

[2.50 a gallon]

FL98

 

My XW did try to reconcile within a month of the breakup. It was worse than falling into the first pit. I was already moving on, I was in a secret relationship with an associate OM's wife. I had made new friends, though still deep in the pit, I could see a better life. I had been a player before marriage, and was going back to my old ways.

 

One day there is a knock on the door, and I was not prepared to find her standing at our door, wanting to see our kittens. Oh she looked good, I was so stunned that I let my guard down and let her in. She proceeded to break down, apologize, I'm so sorrys, it was only a fantasy, it will never happen again, I'll do what ever it takes, I miss you, etc. etc.

 

This was the woman that I loved, that I had given up all of the other women in the world for, this was the woman that had given me the hope of someday having family with. She was a strawberry blonde, and I had been blonde in youth, so was looking forward to having a Dennis the menace junior, and she was gooing to be the mother. This was the woman who was going to be my grandkids grand mother. And there she was asking, begging for another chance.

 

I almost caved, but the sexual images of her with another made me ill to my stomach, and I knew it was something that would take years to get around. So I ran. She found out I was dating one of her fellow workers and went nuts. "She's F'n my husband"

 

I ended up having lots of new and exciting times, my life changed, I found the real me, in historical research, and writing and publishing. I never remarried and never had kids, something I regret. She made several attempts over the next 4 - 5 years, Xmas cards and gifts, Valentine cards, that I learned to ignore

 

I really hadn't thought about it until a few years ago when I crossed paths with my XMIL, and then the past came rushing over me for a couple of days. A new set of questions came up that I never thought I would experience? I assume she remarried, did she have kids? Was one of them a Dennis the Menace? And the worst, what if she was truly repentant and maybe we could have worked it out. Maybe I could have grand kids.

[2.50 a gallon]

FL98 / MMI

 

The way I look at it, the OM when he approaches or is approached by a MW, he is chosing to walk onto a battlefield, and the opponent he is facing is reacting from the reptilian part of the brain not the human part.

[FeelingLonely98]

that's a good thing. my best friend is that size, and he never fights. he had to pull me off a guy in a bar before, and caught a club across his knee, resulting in 2 surgeries. i felt like **** about it for a long time.

 

i am. i'm all over the place, and i'm sorry for it being in your thread FL. the flow. i'm going to have to go with it. i'm bad about trying to MAKE everything happen, and this is something i can't. i may need to go have a beer this evening and talk to some women just to get my mind off of this. thanks for the accomodating space FL.

 

Dude - Take all the sapce in my thread that you need. No Worries ...

 

Funny you mentioned the beer. I just posted in my other thread I need a beer but have no one to go with and wondered if I should go alone.

 

CHEERS!

[FeelingLonely98]

FL98 / MMI

 

The way I look at it, the OM when he approaches or is approached by a MW, he is chosing to walk onto a battlefield, and the opponent he is facing is reacting from the reptilian part of the brain not the human part.

 

Well said 2.50 --> Don't know if you read the beginning of the thread about the text I received yesterday from the 18 yo boy telling ME how to act with my W - Well, up until then I wanted to destroy him but figured the STBXW made this bed and what would that do for me if I kicked his *ss? nothing. Wasn't gonna "win" back my W. So I 180'd it and move on. But after that contact from the pile of dogsh*t - well, let's just say now he best not ever come near me.

[FeelingLonely98]

FL98

My XW did try to reconcile within a month of the breakup. It was worse than falling into the first pit...

 

Wow - Hope I can be strong if confronted with the same situation.

But I wonder - IF that happens (i.e., she crawls back) - what if I can get by it and what if we can work it out? I wonder if I would be wrong to at least test it out. MMI seems to be closer to at least trying a reconciliation at this point than I am...

I just didn't want to be filled regret for not trying ... Anyway, that willnever happen - she ain't coming back. She and the 18 yr old BF will live happily ever after!!!

[MrMayI]

haha. no. they will live, but it won't be happily ever after. go have that beer. i'm going to in just a few. my brother is bartending tonight, so i may need a cab home, lol. not really. i just need some interaction, preferrably with ladies. we'll all be fine. it's a proven science, and it just takes time. cheers everyone!

[FeelingLonely98]

haha. no. they will live, but it won't be happily ever after. go have that beer. i'm going to in just a few. my brother is bartending tonight, so i may need a cab home, lol. not really. i just need some interaction, preferrably with ladies. we'll all be fine. it's a proven science, and it just takes time. cheers everyone!

 

Cr*p --> I'm out of practice. Sat down at the bar - had two beers, watched some of the basketball game. Saw some nice looking ladies looking my way (I think) ... I did nothing. I haven't a clue how to act. It's been more than 20 years since I've done this type of thing. And back then I gues I had "game" as they say - what with being mid-20s. I wasn't looking for anything more than little interaction. Oh well, keep getting out there I suppose. :confused: :o

[2.50 a gallon]

FL98

 

Just get out there. Be friendly. It won't take long to redevelop your social skills. First lesson, when you catch a lady or ladies at the bar looking at you, just smile

 

Develop a life is good, let's live it while we can attitude. It goes a long way toward making new female friends.

 

My line whenever a cashier asks the standard "How's your day so far?" is "Hey, I woke up!" Then if they don't get it I explain, somebody out there wasn't lucky enough to wake up, and no matter how bad my day is, they would gladly trade places with me.

 

So what is the payback, you'd be surprised how many remember me as the wake up guy, and how they like my attitude. I've been doing this for over 30 years, and more than once I have been at a club and had a lady approach me with "Hey, Wake Up Guy, what is your name"

 

The best night of the whole bar scene is coming up this weekend. Not everybody dresses up. but some do. All it takes is a simple Lone Ranger mask, your identity is hidden and it can give you the balls to ask the knockem dead, built like a brick you know what to dance. Women like a man with confidence.

 

I am not sure of the customs in your area, but in every place that I have lived the ladies would always notice when a guy went to the trouble of putting on a costume. I had a friend who somewhere got a Cookie Monster costume, in his pocket he had a bag full of chocolate chip cookies, the ladies would bug him for cookies, he even sang the Cookie Monster song, as the drinks began to take affect he changed the first letter from and "C" to and "N", his dance card was filed the whole night, every halloween he came home with a pocket full of new numbers.

 

I never scored that good, but always seemed to make new contacts.

 

As I said in another thread, ladies just want to have fun. I learned at an early age women like men who like to dance. Women are more emotionally attached to music than most men. Some songs they feel they just have to get out on the floor and shake their booties. Have you ever been to an open air concert, where some of the women just have to get up and dance, they don't care who they are dancing with, the music moves them and they refuse sit on their a$$ and just listen? Rock / jazz / C&W / hill billy music, it don't matter. Hell I have even seen them stomping to "Stars and Stripes Forever" in a fourth of july concert. They have heard the same breakup songs that we have heard, and sometimes they just want someone to hold them as they listen to the words. The choice is yours, they can dance with you or somebody else.

[2.50 a gallon]

FL98

 

I wonder is part of the attraction by the 18 year old and your STBXW is the possiblity that she is letting him drink beer? If so, and she gets busted it won't last long

 

Gallon

[2.50 a gallon]

FL98

 

As to second thoughts of not having given my XW a second chance. I was in the pit once, and once was enough. The reality is that had we reconciled, moved on with our lives and had Dennis the Menace and his little sister, my guess is I would have eventually found myself back in the pit, and then I would have had to deal with the kids. It would have been unbearable to have to pay her and her new man to raise my kids. So running was best in the long run.

 

Gallon