Rekindle with my ex (long story)

[lavender09]

[FONT=Calibri]Back in college there was a guy that I was “seeing”. We became good friends, shared classes, talked for hours on campus, went to parties and everything. We never got serious because he had a girlfriend back home. We continued like this for 2 years enjoying ourselves. Ultimately, one night, after a party with too much to drink we tried to get physical, but it did not work out. Blame in on the alcohol, or nerves but it just didn’t happen. As college drew to a close, we drifted apart. After graduation, we each met new partners and ultimately had our children (separately) within 2 years of graduation. He married his girlfriend and my boyfriend had already moved to another state and lived together as a family. This guy and had not seen each other since college, 15 years ago.[/FONT]

[FONT=Calibri]My marriage to my husband was for all the wrong reasons. I realized it then and even more so now. We had our daughter and he want to get married right away, but I put him off. He is 10 yrs older than me. Finally, we did get married when she was 5 yrs old, mainly because I thought it was the right thing to do, not out any kind of undying love. It felt “expected” so I agreed to go forward. Now, my husband is actually a good guy. He’s always been extremely loving and affectionate. I think that is why I stayed with him so long, more out of gratitiude than anything else. Especially, when friends my age were having problems finding decent men, he was always good to me. Problem now 15 yrs later is he is different. He has become a lot more insecure, hasn’t had a job in 3 yrs, drinks daily, smokes, and gambles our money on a monthly basis. I have a very successful career and is the sole breadwinner and I think he’s gotten used to me working but he also feels threatened by it at the same time. He tried to go back to college several times but keep dropping out. Our sex life is non-existent, it mostly mercy sex from me to him. I have never cheated on him during our 16 years together. [/FONT]

[FONT=Calibri]Four months ago I reconnected with my college guy on Facebook . We never communicated on the computer but when I had to return to our college town for a work seminar 2 months ago, I asked him to meet me for lunch. We met and we reminisced and he started talking about his marriage and his wife. (I never mentioned my situation to him at this point). His wife is still a party girl and like to go out to clubs 2x per week with her friends. He’s more of a home body and prefers to hang out with their kids. She has even gone out and gotten so drunk that she would call him to pick her up from some bar or another. He had threatened her with a divorce last summer if she didn’t change. He says she has since slowed down but worries that its only because they are less parties now, but when the season picks up again, she’ll be back to her old ways. He is the primary breadwinner and caretaker in his home.[/FONT]

[FONT=Calibri]Now, since our lunch, we talk on the phone 3-4 x daily. We have so much in common, same values ( our kids), same work ethic. Each of our spouses are more carefree and irresponsible. We each take responsibility in that we may have spoiled them early in our relationships. I tried to talk to my husband and offered both couples and individual counseling and he says that he is fine and that I could go by myself if I want to but he doesn’t need it. Even his family has tried to talk to him, but he wont get help. There's so much more I can tell, but this is already too long [/FONT]

[FONT=Calibri]When my ex and I talk, we always encourage each other to work out our respective marriages. We try to support each other by saying the “right things” but we both know we would rather be with each other. Neither of us expects the other to leave their spouse (we never want to hurt our kids) but we joke around that we our youngest (age 8) kids are ready to leave for college, we can get together. We talk about starting something with the each other as a way to make our home marriages more tolerable. I know it sounds crazy, but we just feel like we made bad choices in the beginning and have resigned to live with it, but now we each see another option. I realize no one on this board is going to give us “permission” to see each other, but are we being so unreasonable. [/FONT]

[Untouchable_Fire]

Now, my husband is actually a good guy. He’s always been extremely loving and affectionate. I think that is why I stayed with him so long, more out of gratitiude than anything else. Especially, when friends my age were having problems finding decent men, he was always good to me. Problem now 15 yrs later is he is different. He has become a lot more insecure, hasn’t had a job in 3 yrs, drinks daily, smokes, and gambles our money on a monthly basis. I have a very successful career and is the sole breadwinner and I think he’s gotten used to me working but he also feels threatened by it at the same time. He tried to go back to college several times but keep dropping out. Our sex life is non-existent, it mostly mercy sex from me to him. I have never cheated on him during our 16 years together.

 

Well, you are kind of having an emotional affair at the moment. I mean your dreaming of leaving your husband for another guy... Most people here call that cheating, but I can understand if you don't see it that way.

 

I've never understood why women think it's Ok to run off with another guy when the husband becomes unemployed and depressed, yet I'm supposed to put up with all the bitchiness a woman can bring on a monthly basis. Double standard anyone?

 

Look, Lavender... your going to do whatever you want to do... and the consequences will be paid by you and your family. Here is a nice warning for you.

 

1. It's better to leave a marriage than to cheat. I mean better for everyone, including children.

 

2. This Ex college buddy... chances are he won't leave his wife for you. In fact, having you around is going to KEEP him with his wife. I know, because I WAS that guy once.

 

That's it. Best of luck to you!

[randarama]

Most people who leave a spouse is because they become infatuated(sp?) with someone else, and think that this other person will make them "happy". This is a lie, because after about two years, the infatuation wears off, and this new relationship becomes much like the old one.

No one, or nothing, can "make" you happy. You are either happy with your life or you're not. If this was true, then why to millionaires with everything in the world commit suicide or become addicted to drugs or alchohol?

Happiness is found in a relationship with God. God is the only one who can love anyone perfectly, accept us just as we are, know exactly what we need, and is able to work out everything for our good, Romans 8:28. We put on people too high of expectations, then when they let us down, we dump on them our hurt and resentment.

I recommend the book "Reduce me to Love" from Joyce Meyer.

[schewter]

Lots of depressed Christians around...and lots of adulterers praying to "their God"...just as soon leave "God" out of these things.

[seibert253]

It's so sad to see so many who have great lives and great spouses, but always want more, more, more. Never being satisfied with what you have is an internal problem with one's outlook upon life.

 

We want the "perfect" mate, yet we ourselves are not perfect.

 

Look, your husband suffered a major setback in his life, and I bet he has absolutely no selfconfindence. Therefore he dulls it with his vices, alcohol, smoking, gambling. You being involved in an affair, (yes it is) with your ex will not help this situation.

 

You mentioned to us you're the breadwinner in your family. Do you remind your husband of this on a constant basis? I'm sure when you do, this makes him feel a whole lot better about himself.

 

Decision time my lady. Choose and choose wisely:

1. Pursue your "dream guy" and destroy two families in the process, (very selfish IMO)

2. Get your act together, focus on your marriage and help your husband recover.

 

I bet if you put as much effort into your marriage as you do your A, you may see major changes in a short period of time.

[lavender09]

I appreciate all of the open and honest responses posted here. Just want to clarify a few points. I realize that my relationship with my Ex does constitute an EA. We do turn to each other for emotional support. This is a result of turning to our spouses and not getting an adequate response. I can't speak in depth about his wife, but my husband is much older and set in his ways. When I asked him for simple things like lets go to the gym together, take up a sport together, find a hobby we can share, his response is always " you know I'm not into those things" When his drinking and smoking became excessive, his own mother tried to get him to cut back, but he didn't. I made an appt for him at his doctors office to be eval and treated for depression and took him there myself and he accepted the rx but refused to take the meds. His lack of a job now is not a new development, he has mainly kept many odd job over the years. The longest job he had was in a mailroom for a couple of years, other than that it has been hit or miss. He hasnt looked for a job in months. I'm not knocking his employment status, but it more of his mindset and unwillingness to do better. On top of that, he will go to casino by himself in the middle of the day and waste $300. This hurts us financially and he has done this 3x in as many months. I'm not giving up on him but I'm tired. If he were even slightly willing to improve I could work with him.

I do agree with those who say its better to leave than to cheat, but honestly, I don't want to give the impression that I'm leaving him at his lowest. I want to help him do better, get a job, get clean and everything else. That doesnt mean that I will automatically "fall in love" with him, but at least I know he'll be a stronger person should we ever separate.

As for my Ex, neither of us is looking to get a divorce to be with each other. That is not our intention. We live 2 hours away from each other and have too much to lose and couldnt even dream of leaving our hometowns to be with the other. Its just that we connect on some many levels, not saying he is perfect nor is he "perfect for me" as I am not perfect, it just nice to communicate with someone who understands me and understands the situation. We're not professing love to each other. It just nice to have that outlet, because honestly, I'm too embarrassed to let any of my friends know what my home life is really like.