How do I know he is telling the truth?

[angelgirl]

My husband tells white lies and I am sick of never knowing when he is telling me the truth or half truth. I am always questioning him and when he is telling me the truth, I feel like I have wasted alot of time and stress wondering and worrying about his statements.

 

I feel that honesty is very important in a relationship. However, he feels that white lies are OK.

 

I installed a program to watch his internet activities and caught him looking at men having sex. I asked him about it, and he lied -- then told him I watched him looking at it. He then said, I lied because I was embarrassed and I was just curious as to what men did together; but I am not bi-sexual and I will never do that again.

 

So, what does this mean? How do I know if this is true? I have 7 years in this marriage, no kids, I am 41 years old and I need to know where to draw the line. Do I divorce the man because he is telling white lies? Do I continue to wonder all the time what he is lying about and what he is telling the truth about.

 

What do I do? I am very upset about all of this and I am ready for some good advice. Thanks for any responses.

[VASH THE STAMPEDE]

Best thing you could do is get marriage counseling.

Then you'll know where to go from there.

[GIZMO]

I would have to agree about going to marriage counseling..

[bark]

From your post, angelgirl, I sense that a cancer is spreading through your relationship with your husband. This cancer is a fundamental lack of trust.

 

You doubt your husband's credibility so much that you installed a snooping program to monitor his Internet usage.

 

Whenever one spouse turns into a PI that marriage is deeply troubled. The balance of power shifts: the suspicious spouse becomes the custodial parent or warden over the wayward spouse. That "spy in the house of love" situation is very bad for a marriage.

 

I don't know if your husband is straight, gay or bi. It almost doesn't matter (except as to diseases). What matters is the erosion of trust. Trust, perhaps even more than love, is the oxygen of all marriages. When the trust dies, so does the marriage.

 

I've never had marriage counseling, and I know it has been recommended. I do know that no third party, regardless of his or her clinical skills, can convince you to trust your husband again. I'm not sure that trust can be counseled after a certain point.

 

Unfortunately, trust is much like Humpty Dumpty--once it shatters not even all the king's men (or therapists) can put it back together again.

 

You're 41 years old and have no children. If things are as bad as you represent, I'd consider a graceful exit...

[Arabess]

Angel,

Was the "internet" thing what you are basing your distrust on? If so, I wouldn't have even confronted him on it. I've looked at all KINDS of crap on the internet.....cause it was THERE. Not because I want sex with a monkey. I think, especially women, need to lighten up on these guys rgarding the internet veiwing thing.

 

Most people lie because they feel more comfortable with lying than the confrontation which comes with telling the truth. Perhaps you could find a way to question him without it sounding like an interrogation. Maybe he's AFRAID to tell you the truth. So, he hedges it with white lies.

 

If you don't trust him though, I'm with Bark, get out of the relationship before you drive yourself nuts. It's not worth staying with someone you feel you have to chase after like a 5 year old.

[bark]

It's not worth staying with someone you feel you have to chase after like a 5 year old.

 

 

lol!!! Well stated, Arabess.

[Hushed]

If something is important to you, he should respect it no matter what it is. And if he can't respect you enough to tell you the truth, y'all really need to have a sit-down and talk about things. Sometimes the reason why people lie to others is because they lie to themselves. Y'all need to work on his honesty, especially if it's causing stress.

[Melinda]

No matter what he was looking at on the net, if you aren't happy with what he's doing on there you have a right to tell him. If he respects how you feel he will stop.

 

If it keeps happening and you feel like you can't go on, just tell him, either "that" goes, or you do! Cause if the relationship is only causing you to question him all the time, and you feel like you can't relax, and you get into a habit of, even when he is telling you the truth you're always looking behind the scenes and trying to establish for yourself what's really going on, then that doesn't sound like a lot of fun.

 

But if you really love him, try to tough it out, and with time you will eventually relax and learn to have faith in him. That's the thing about relationships, you can never really trust someone, cause people break our hearts all the time without any notice...love is a risk you take...i'd rather be in it and lose than be alone...

 

Once you go through a period of time where you are consistently finding no indescrepancies I think you will feel much better. But until you stop finding things I don't know what to tell you...but if you love him, give it a chance for it to go away but if months later it's still going on then do yourself a favour and find happiness elsewhere.