So why is only one side heard...

[samsungxoxo]

It's true, most of you want to hear the BS side of the story and will support him/her but if WS writes their story and is seeking on some help as to what can they do, most of you all want to do is vent out your frustration and not listen to it or keep lecturing ''If you love him/her, then you wouldn't do it, you don't love them''.

If it's the WS's post, shouldn't you be more focusing on the person writing the story and put aside on pretending to be the BS on the story (you're not the BS anyways). That's when you get all emotional and worked up, you can't even write on a mature level. And do put aside your ''cheated on'' bad experience as an excuse to vent out on the member. What does the BS or WS writing the story has to do with what you went through, two different stories don't you think? Lastly if I was a WS seeking help and you vent out on me calling me names, talking about your cheating experience, my reply would be ''Does it look like I care, I only want to know what can I do, not your stupid story''...

 

It's a different case if it was a cheater bragging on how he/she likes doing it, states how they got no remorse nor feelings for it and is not even seeking advice, then ok call them all the names you want to. But if they asked for what can they do, why not listen to the story?

[NoIDidn't]

It looks like you already answered your own question: its projection.

 

I, for one, would like to see more WSs posting their stories. Especially some of their tricks and tips. I know that some will consider it offensive, but they have to look at it as good information to have should they ever need it.

 

I think you are complaining about male WSs though. Because there are plenty of female WSs on these boards.

[samsungxoxo]

I think you are complaining about male WSs though. Because there are plenty of female WSs on these boards.

I'm focusing on any WS's whether it be male or female.

 

I know projection but damn, you don't even know the person in real life and to start to insult them online, wow. I would be like ''Ok I have insulted you, I only asked for help and you insulting me, screw ya''..

 

Or did they just expected to find BS's on this infidelity forum? If so, and you're complaining on how you are sick of hearing the cheaters' excuses then don't reply, that's soo simple if you can say something constructive...

Edited October 28, 2009 by samsungxoxo

[Lovelybird]

Some persons here are very bitter. And online made it easier that they don't have to bear any consequences to insult or explode onto someone. They don't have to face to face look into the eyes of that person they attack. Online personals are being dehumanized.

 

Whatever tough things you are going through, that don't give you right to insult or attack others. Two wrongs don't make it right.

[mybrowneyedgirl]

i can give lots of tips and tricks...what ya wanna know?

[NoIDidn't]

I meant to say I think you are complaining about the way that male WSs are treated. They are usually run off really quickly.

 

I know its painful to read what they say, but I would like to hear them out.

 

They are run off by both women in the triangle too. Definitely projection.

 

What kind of help are WSs looking for when they tell their stories in your opinion?

 

(I think Devil Inside has had good responses to his posts. Maybe its just his delivery. Or maybe its his story - its complicated)

[samsungxoxo]

Whatever tough things you are going through, that don't give you right to insult or attack others. Two wrongs don't make it right.

Nope, they're no one to dictate them what their life will be like nor label them. I'm surprise they don't get warnings, it's disrespect afterall when they have done nothing to you but are writing their story. They did take all the time and effort making a screen name and coming to a forum.

 

They are already feeling like in their lowest in that moment they're writing and to yet continue adding more reprimands or sarcastic remarks to it?? How much worst do you want to make them feel than what they are feeling now?? And what gain do you get from flaming them, it's not like you will win money out of it...

[samsungxoxo]

What kind of help are WSs looking for when they tell their stories in your opinion?

In the case of the BS taking them back, I assume they want to find out how to strengthen their relationship and what steps they can do to gain their SO's trust back.

In the case where BS walks away, they want to find out how to forgive themselves or if there is still hope in getting back with the their BS, if what, what is the solution??

[schewter]

So why is only one side heard...

 

Look around. I would bet that 90% of those habitually posting on here are in the BS category so it stands to reason that WS's aren't apt to get a lot of sympathy if any at all. I get your lamentation though...sometimes people wander away from pretty bad situations at home. The overall consensus on here, particularly from the hard-liners, is that one should end their bad marriage and then seek out compassion elsewhere. However, it is sometimes pretty difficult to let go of a rail that you've been hanging onto for a number of years. That said...it is still difficult when one is feeling bitter and hurt to summon the sense of empathy needed to see things from the other side.

[angie2443]

I think the way a person gets treated on here depends mostly on how they present themselves. There have been some WS's who have been nasty, full of themselves and acted as if it is all about them. There have been others who have thoughtful and respectful and at least come across as intelligent. There have been some BS's on here that were ignored more often than not because they came across as nasty and hateful. I think the same is true for all boards.

[schewter]

I don't know that I agree with that Angie. I've seen lots of people come on here and tell their story of cheating in a very self deprecating way expressing shame, humility and regret and still get dumped on pretty heavy.

[samsungxoxo]

I think the way a person gets treated on here depends mostly on how they present themselves. There have been some WS's who have been nasty, full of themselves and acted as if it is all about them. There have been others who have thoughtful and respectful and at least come across as intelligent. There have been some BS's on here that were ignored more often than not because they came across as nasty and hateful. I think the same is true for all boards.

Yes can be it but I noticed some that were just writing how it is and seeking helpful suggestion and comes the bitter people that attack them for no reason other than the fact that they're dealing with a cheater.....

 

That's similar to coming home very stressed out from work and you kick your dog in anger as it begs to be taken out. Same, you are taking out on them base on your own ''bad experience'' or whatever frustration you had. One has nothing to do with the other... And like a previous poster said, just because you had a bad experience with a cheater doesn't give you the rights to place labels on a cheater seeking advice, that's not being one bit rude.

[angie2443]

Yes can be it but I noticed some that were just writing how it is and seeking helpful suggestion and comes the bitter people that attack them for no reason other than the fact that they're dealing with a cheater.....

.

 

I'm not sure exactly who you're talking about so I don't have an answer for that. I do know that this is an infidelity board and their are many angry, hurt people here. Some aren't. Some have healed and are no longer angry. Some people are just nasty anyways. I do think that when people answer questions from the more respectable WS's (ones that come across as decent persons) and they answer in a nasty way, they are not concerned with helping the person. They don't care if they run that person off.

 

I'm wondering if you think your post might change some of the posters on here?

[samsungxoxo]

I'm wondering if you think your post might change some of the posters on here?

It's true that there will always be rude people on earth whether that be online or in real life. The world just doesn't stop with the nasty ones.

 

Not that I'm thinking as to whether it will change the posters or not, just me pointing out the obvious. It makes sense, if you don't have nothing nice or helpful to suggest, say nothing at all. I would rather have 0 replies than nasty people venting out their frustrations/bad experience. There is afterall a personal rants and confession forum if you want to vent.

[confusedinkansas]

I am a WS & every time I have tried to chime in & offer help & how things were with my situation - how I've "gotten over" my AP - how my marriage is doing MUCH better....I'm beaten down.

So, you are right schewter - 90% are BS & they are mad as hell. Bitter as hell & most won't ever let go of what happened to them. For that, I'm sorry - but still doesn't give them the right to bash a WS because they themselves were hurt.

I've always wondered on here why we all just can't get along & help each other out. Isn't that what the purpose of this forum is all about?

[boldjack]

As a former OM/MM I think that I'm more sympathetic to the BS'S because of my own guilt and shame. The way I see it,the vast majority of BS'S only want to be told the truth, (before I get jumped on, I KNOW that a few, a very few, would prefer to stay ignorant) and when WS'S come on to LS telling their stories about how much THEY are hurting and how much THEY feel misunderstood, these BS'S react negatively. It is only natural. Neither the BS'S nor the WS's seem to be willing to put aside their own selfish issues and concentrate on what is needed to help the poster, whoever it is.

[samsungxoxo]

I've always wondered on here why we all just can't get along & help each other out. Isn't that what the purpose of this forum is all about?

That's exactly my point. Put aside your experience and suggest something helpful already. If you want to write about your own experience and vent about it, then make a thread of your own. That's like me coming to work angry due to an argument with my parents and giving attitude to every agent there. Makes no sense.....

 

Why bring your problem onto another member?? Your issues are yours to deal with plus it's not your story. Not only would it be rude but isn't that hijacking the thread??

[Dexter Morgan]

It's a different case if it was a cheater bragging on how he/she likes doing it, states how they got no remorse nor feelings for it and is not even seeking advice, then ok call them all the names you want to. But if they asked for what can they do, why not listen to the story?

 

for the WS's that have told their story and wanted to make it right, I'll still give them my opinion that the BS would be better off without them and maybe they should do them a favor.

 

but then in cases of posts like that I will go on to tell them that there are certain things that a BS is going to expect and deserves from the WS IF the WS wants to try to "save" the marriage.

 

but if they sit there and tell us that they can't give up their AP, or sit there and tell the story of how wonderful the OW/OM is and that they will always hold them dear to their hearts.....sorry, all bets are off. One of the things a WS should do if they want to "save" their marriage is to give their whole heart back to the BS. And if part of their heart belongs to someone else, then that is something the BS shouldn't have to settle or stand for.

 

In other words, they ask BS's their opinions on what they can do and what BS expect....and as a former BS, I tell them. I know that I didn't stay with my WS, but if I had stayed, I'd tell them what I'd expect.

 

They want to get inside the minds of BS's to find out what they are thinking......and we are telling them. Every BS is different, but unless they hear what more than likely is running through their own betrayed spouses' head, they have no idea how to proceed from there.

 

Their side? Fair enough, there are things a BS needs to do in the process too. But it still doesn't change the fact, in most cases, that one went outside the marriage, and the other one did not. Both spouses are responsible for the state of their marriage, but only one, again in most cases, chose to create a huge imbalance in the marriage by going outside the marriage. So that is the problem when trying to see.."their side".

 

They can work on the marriage, but the problem still remains....one of them went out and screwed someone else, in most cases. there isn't anything that can undo that, nor anything that will erase it from the BS's mind. It will always be a scar....they can heal, but a scar nonetheless remains.

[Dexter Morgan]

Some persons here are very bitter. And online made it easier that they don't have to bear any consequences to insult or explode onto someone. They don't have to face to face look into the eyes of that person they attack. Online personals are being dehumanized.

 

Oh don't kid yourself there, I have had to tell one woman that wanted to date me that I wasn't her type because I wasn't a married man, and told another that wouldn't leave me alone and really wanted an answer as to why I wouldn't date her is that she is known to be unfaithful and fickle.

 

Made no bones whatsoever. Now I will admit, I only said those things because they wanted answers as to why I avoided their advances(as if they were entitled to answers), but I told them those things nonetheless.

[Dexter Morgan]

I think the way a person gets treated on here depends mostly on how they present themselves. There have been some WS's who have been nasty, full of themselves and acted as if it is all about them.

 

exactly. I will still tell it like it is to those WS's that aren't as described above, BUT I will also tell them what more than likely is going through their BS's mind so that they can tailor their handling of them when trying to make things right.

[Untouchable_Fire]

I am a WS & every time I have tried to chime in & offer help & how things were with my situation - how I've "gotten over" my AP - how my marriage is doing MUCH better....I'm beaten down.

So, you are right schewter - 90% are BS & they are mad as hell. Bitter as hell & most won't ever let go of what happened to them. For that, I'm sorry - but still doesn't give them the right to bash a WS because they themselves were hurt.

I've always wondered on here why we all just can't get along & help each other out. Isn't that what the purpose of this forum is all about?

 

Most WS can provide lots of insight and good advice. However, I think your an exception to the overall rule.

 

In my experience you are typically the most incorrect person on a thread. Though your comments provide a fantastic balance at times.

[confusedinkansas]

In my experience you are typically the most incorrect person on a thread. Though your comments provide a fantastic balance at times.

Make a comment without backing it up. Interesting concept.

How so? Am i the most incorrect person on a thread?

[eeyore1981]

I get SUCH a kick out of a poster who claims things like "just trying to help - why do the bitter BS's have to be so mean?" and I have READ some of the ultra-derogatory posts from the same supposed well-meaning poster!

 

Ha ha ha! SNAP!

[Untouchable_Fire]

Make a comment without backing it up. Interesting concept.

How so? Am i the most incorrect person on a thread?

 

Why do you think you always get... "beat down" by other posters? Do you think your a genius and they are all just dumb?

 

I have seen you say some wise and witty things at times.

 

Anyway... I not going to argue with you over my opinion of your thought processes. I may believe your wrong-headed most of the time, but I think your presence makes the site better as a whole.

[Snowflower]

I am a WS & every time I have tried to chime in & offer help & how things were with my situation - how I've "gotten over" my AP - how my marriage is doing MUCH better....I'm beaten down.

So, you are right schewter - 90% are BS & they are mad as hell. Bitter as hell & most won't ever let go of what happened to them. For that, I'm sorry - but still doesn't give them the right to bash a WS because they themselves were hurt.

I've always wondered on here why we all just can't get along & help each other out. Isn't that what the purpose of this forum is all about?

 

Well, CIK, I think you are one of the more objective WS that have managed to hang in here on the infidelity forums. And I've seen you take quite a beating here from those who don't agree with your views on marriage. I don't always agree with you but I have come to respect your opinion about how marriages recover after infidelity.

 

I get what you're saying about your particular marital situation though--you don't always get much support for saying your marriage has successfully recovered after infidelity--it's almost like people don't want to hear that it is possible to have a better marriage afterward. Sigh.