So why is only one side heard...

[Stockalone]

Oh you have NO CLUE on what spousal abuse is like, there is no comparison between the two.

 

Cheating as a crime, I laugh everytime I see that.

 

You can laugh all you want. And since most people share your opinion, it's going to stay that way. That doesn't mean I have to agree with you.

[samsungxoxo]

I think cheating is worse than hitting your spouse. If your SO is hitting you, there is no deception involved and you know all you need to know right away.

 

So I disagree with you, but I would also like to see cheating to be considered a crime. It's not going to happen though.

So if one has to lived in total fear because of the spouse being violent to you that's nothing too?

There is also deception involved in that case too, because you thought he/she was lovely, kind and you would feel very secure only to find out later on their true personality, colors..

I even heard about stories of it starting after getting married and the abuser never did it in the dating stage.... Now that's a deception...

[eeyore1981]

LOL oh I had a long response but it would only inflame.

 

Well I guess the OP has the answer why you only get one side, because BS think theirs is the only one. BS justify belittling, insulting etc... anyone that does not follow their views as right because they have been hurt. As we all know the last offense is the one that counts.

 

So why bother putting a different view in, it leads to nothing but flame wars and nastiness.

 

What really cracks me up is the righteous indignation. If your way is so right, why not approach your SO with an open marriage? Let SO step out, too, or end the relationship if that is what they want. Why do it in secrecy if there is nothing wrong with it? Is it that it is okay for you, but not for SO? Kind of hypocritical, IMO.

[RedDevil66]

Come to think, cheating is nothing compare to many other worst things such as criminal activities, doing drugs, alcoholic addicts or hitting an spouse... Ok aside from the STD's saga, let's say (hypothetically speaking) there were no such things as diseases transmitted but only the emotional burden you place on the BS, that's nothing compare in the other things that happen in the world...

 

With all due respect, your comment is ridiculous and shows your age or lack of maturity.

 

Addictions are a disease, cheating is an action. Both hurt entire families and both are actions that come very sad/sick and empty places.

Hitting a spouse with an fist or hitting them with an STD like hiv are both violent and horrible.

[RedDevil66]

What really cracks me up is the righteous indignation. If your way is so right, why not approach your SO with an open marriage? Let SO step out, too, or end the relationship if that is what they want. Why do it in secrecy if there is nothing wrong with it? Is it that it is okay for you, but not for SO? Kind of hypocritical, IMO.

 

When somone is deep into their sickenss of cheating, they don't see reason.

 

Cheaters cannot comprehend the damage they are doing to themselves and others.

Their minds are in suspended animation.

 

No point in trying to tell a cheater, an addict or anyone else who is in pain they are wrong, they won't get it!

[Stockalone]

So if one has to lived in total fear because of the spouse being violent to you that's nothing too?

 

You were the one who started to rate things, what is or isn't worse than something else. To that, I replied. Obviously, both acts are unacceptable.

 

It's also true that a physically violent spouse is not something that I am really afraid of. Ever since I was old and strong enough to oppose my father, I haven't gotten mistreated in that regard. And I very much doubt that a woman could physically abuse me.

 

I am far more concerned about my emotional health.

 

 

There is also deception involved in that case too, because you thought he/she was lovely, kind and you would feel very secure only to find out later on their true personality, colors..

I even heard about stories of it starting after getting married and the abuser never did it in the dating stage.... Now that's a deception...

 

True, but in that case, I would only be bothered by the immediate incident where she would get physically abusive. I don't have to question everything that came before that.

 

There is also no other man involved. I also can't be lied to, to make me believe it didn't happen and that I must be paranoid. Physical abuse is cut and dry.

 

Obviously, people can have different thoughts about this.

[samsungxoxo]

With all due respect, your comment is ridiculous and shows your age or lack of maturity.

 

Addictions are a disease, cheating is an action. Both hurt entire families and both are actions that come very sad/sick and empty places.

Hitting a spouse with an fist or hitting them with an STD like hiv are both violent and horrible.

Did you even read what I wrote? I meant that taking off the STD's saga. Ok for one second pretend that there are no such things as STD's, meaning your life is not in danger. I said it as hypothetically. If there was no STD's then the only thing the BS would have to deal with the is the emotional burden/pain of the cheating and lying. So putting that in comparing to living in fear or possible getting killed by your violent spouse, the latter is worst than the other...

Off course getting heart broken hurts too but not as bad of living in fear...

Edited November 4, 2009 by samsungxoxo

[RedDevil66]

Did you even read what I wrote? I meant that taking off the STD's saga. Ok for one second pretend that there are no such things as STD's, meaning your life is not in danger. I said it as hypothetically. If there was no STD's then the only thing the BS would have to deal with the is the emotional burden/pain of the cheating and lying. So putting that in comparing to living in fear or possible getting killed by your violent spouse, the latter is worst than the other...

Off course getting heart broken hurts too but not as bad of living in fear...

 

A woman has 3 kids, she's not working, she depends on her husband. He goes out and cheats. He does this for years. His wife finds out. He leaves his wife. She is left alone with 3 little kids, no job and a the serious damage of mistrust. Let me tell you THAT IS LIVING IN FEAR!

[samsungxoxo]

A woman has 3 kids, she's not working, she depends on her husband. He goes out and cheats. He does this for years. His wife finds out. He leaves his wife. She is left alone with 3 little kids, no job and a the serious damage of mistrust. Let me tell you THAT IS LIVING IN FEAR!

That sucks but that's the terrible news when you're not working and depending on someone to care for you. It makes her co-dependent of her husband but once he cheats and lives her for another woman is when then she realizes she should have known better than to depend on a man financially....

 

In the end, it'll still happen and there's no stop to it. Oh well.. so the cheating saga will always continue.. And sadly they never get to actually know what went through their mind when they were in ''La La Land''..

[RedDevil66]

That sucks but that's the terrible news when you're not working and depending on someone to care for you. It makes her co-dependent of her husband but once he cheats and lives her for another woman is when then she realizes she should have known better than to depend on a man financially....

 

..

 

A woman taking care of 3 little kids with no job is not a codependent.

Again, this comment shows your lack of knowledge about life.

Look up what codependent means.

 

Man oh man! I think you may be in la-la land

[Crusoe]

Did you even read what I wrote? I meant that taking off the STD's saga. Ok for one second pretend that there are no such things as STD's, meaning your life is not in danger. I said it as hypothetically. If there was no STD's then the only thing the BS would have to deal with the is the emotional burden/pain of the cheating and lying.

 

Hi. The BS can have a lot more than just emotional burden/pain to deal with, there are the psychologial issues and many spend years in therapy before they can be free of the betrayal. Also, where the relationship ends because of cheating, there is the damage done to life to deal with. Many have sacrificed their lives for their partner, given up on dreams and aspirations, let opportunities slide by, incurred debt, moved away from friends and family and based every decision around their partner, they have done this because they trusted the promise of "I do". Their life was their gift to their partner, and their partner tore it up and threw it away. Some parts of that gift they will never recover, and other parts may take many years to regain. Finally there is the damage done to any children involved, they are the most betrayed, and they can carry scars for much of their lifetime.

[samsungxoxo]

Yes it is powerful.. going to work now.. will post later...

It's true sadly mainly have sacrifice too much only to be hurt. Ok don't know what is like being the BS, never been on that position as I doubt I will ever be. I like to think I'm always ready for bad news...

[HUFI]

I would like to get back to the roots of the post so ...

 

RedDevil66 - All I can say is, if you worry about flaming or insults, it's probably a good idea not to post in an open/public forum. Everyone had their own ideas, opinions, emotions and feelings about certain subjects.

 

But the phase “open forums” is not meant to be taken that they're the Wild West forums either where there are no rules and policies to follow. It might be helpful to remind everyone that LS is here to provide an open, friendly, and diverse community where each participant is expected to conduct themselves in accordance with the guidelines and standards developed to maintain an environment where all are comfortable contributing to the discussion.

 

Dexter Morgan - yes, much better and acceptable to be rude and nasty to someone you DO know in real life.......like the wife.

 

But the point is, its statements like this that get people upset. This is a generalization that slams everyone in the discussion. Yes, I was a cheater, yes it was disrespectful of me to step outside my marriage but my BS would be the first one to defend me on the charge that I was “rude and nasty” to her. I did not slam her, I did not belittle her, and I did not defame her. And no, I don't need to be reminded every five minutes that I did cheat on her. I know that. I live with the shame and guilt in my heart each and every day. Because contrary to common belief, even WS are people with feelings.

 

RedDevil66 - Cheating and deception are emotionally heated topics, so there is bound to be insults, anger (displaced or otherwise) and resentment. You can't control what others say/do, all you can do is control you by either not posting, posting and accepting others emotions or just plain ignoring.

 

Actually, that’s not true. We can control what others say/do here. Again let me remind everyone that that rules clearly state that “ We expect that all community participants interact in a manner conducive to free-flowing, collaborative participation from all visitors, fostering an environment free of harassment, character attacks, and other forms of individual and group berating. We realize that all members may not share the same definitions on issues surrounding personal morality, appropriate behavior, and other sensitive topics of discussion that often appear on the site; we encourage all to voice their own opinions while refraining from criticizing other participants for the perspective they hold. Each person that posts on the forum is to be treated with the utmost respect and civility regardless of how absurd or ridiculous the opinion expressed might seem to you from your perspective.

 

RedDevil66- A msg board is not "real life".

 

Your right, its only words on pages but everyone here knows how words can cut deeper than swords to the heart. The funny thing is that unlike the real world where people often have communication skills issues, the beauty of the anonymous msg. board is that it provides a safe haven for so many people. People spill their hearts, open their souls, speak their minds here and for that, they do not deserve to be attached, belittled or disrespected. No one deserves that. Not the BS, the WS or the OW. Once more, let me remind people of the policies of this community.

 

Personal attacks against other participants will not be tolerated under any circumstances. We define personal attacks as posted comments which are intended to provoke, demean, or ridicule another participant. It is inevitable that members will sometimes disagree in their responses to any given problem, and LoveShack.org encourages healthy debate comprised of constructive questions and criticisms, so long as they pertain to the post and thread at hand. Personal dislike of another member has no place in any post, on any thread.

 

Angie2443 - I think this is the part that might be upsetting some of the posters on this thread. They do think they are that important. They do feel it is their right to do things that they know will harm others as long as they themselves enjoy it. They feel that those who they harm should understand this and accept this. I think this is why they become upset when the people who were harmed here are angry and don't say "you were right to cheat. You did nothing wrong."

 

But that’s the point. It’s not only the arrogant serial affair bastards that are getting trashed here. It’s also the remorseful WS and the occasional remorseful OW that are also getting slammed at times. There is nothing wrong with expressing a gentle 2x4 by saying “you were wrong to cheat” but that does not mean a crowbar worth of slam. Yes, I know that I deserve to hurt as much as my BS and in certain ways, with the loss of my self-respect, in my shame, in my guilt, I am hurting. I really don’t think that the “healing community” is supposed to make it worse.

 

Bentbutnotbroken - That's the reality of the internet. Not saying its right but it is the reality of most public forums.

 

But does it have to be the reality here? I do know of other forums that perhaps are monitored more closely and that have specific “forums” for everyone and general forums. It allows the BS to safety vent and a safe haven for the WS and while we don’t have that structure here, it doesn’t mean we can’t police ourselves. Should we be asking to have seperate forums? All I know is that it seems that on LS, everyone needs to be fairly thick skinned in their posts. Why can't we just get along? Having strong feelings on any topic on the forum is still not an excuse to attack people and their feelings and their thoughts.

 

Perhaps we can use more 2x4's and less crowbars! Please!

Edited November 4, 2009 by HUFI

[NoIDidn't]

Hi. The BS can have a lot more than just emotional burden/pain to deal with, there are the psychologial issues and many spend years in therapy before they can be free of the betrayal. Also, where the relationship ends because of cheating, there is the damage done to life to deal with. Many have sacrificed their lives for their partner, given up on dreams and aspirations, let opportunities slide by, incurred debt, moved away from friends and family and based every decision around their partner, they have done this because they trusted the promise of "I do". Their life was their gift to their partner, and their partner tore it up and threw it away. Some parts of that gift they will never recover, and other parts may take many years to regain. Finally there is the damage done to any children involved, they are the most betrayed, and they can carry scars for much of their lifetime.

 

Great post. Something I don't think many WS think about when they cheat and get discovered. They seem to only think that the pain in based on them finding someone else to love, when it goes so much further than that. Its not just about possibly being left behind, its about the choices made that have been betrayed as well. This is why so often once cheating is discovered a BS questions their entire "LIFE" not just their marriage.

[Dexter Morgan]

That I do agree, the only person that should be passing all the insults and flaming is the BS directly towards either their WS's or the OW/OM. It makes sense. But online strangers passing insults on someone they never met in real life?? That's lame...

 

whats even more lame is the people that defend the people that do it in real life:o

[Dexter Morgan]

LOL oh I had a long response but it would only inflame.

 

Well I guess the OP has the answer why you only get one side, because BS think theirs is the only one.

 

your inner hypocrite is coming to the surface here.

 

You blamed your spouse for your cheating and felt justified in what you did. YOUR side was the only one that mattered and your wife was blamed for what YOU did.

 

practice what you preach.

[Dexter Morgan]

Exactly, go take your anger somewhere else. That's like throwing up on someone's car. Imagine how disgusting that would be. Puke somewhere else. Same thing with anger post ventings.... so express it elsewhere...

 

same thing can be said to posters who spew their justification tripe all over the place. we could say, "take it somewhere else"....no?

[pkn06002]

oh never mind

[samsungxoxo]

same thing can be said to posters who spew their justification tripe all over the place. we could say, "take it somewhere else"....no?

It's not about excuses, it's an open forum where they are expressing what they are feeling in that moment and it's not like they are thinking of grammatical errors as they are posting nor expect to be corrected on every sentence they write.

They are just explaining what happened as best as possible but to downplay every sentence, no need for it. It's about getting to the point if you're going to give answers to the person writing the story.

[confusedinkansas]

Keep this in mind folks.....When you do get "Bashed" / "Flamed" / "called names & treated like crap here"..for posting your thoughts ~ there are some in this forum that seem to remember every single word posted & by whom & they also seem to be mind readers & know to what context everything posted was - even if it was posted months ago. So, these folks will getcha one way or another. Obsession??...Perhaps?.....Dunno?