Don;t know where to turn

[jlove2004]

Hi this the first time I have done this but I have noone else to turn too. Me and my girlfriend broke up around in October I told her a lie that followed me throughout our relationship. She asked me if I messed around with another woman will we were F********. I did but b-4 we got together. I said no but I figured I will just tell her later. Anybody would say no if your person asked you a question during sex. But then she said if you are lyng to me its over. She found out. She was so hurt and so upset that she said its over.

 

The first week was hard she wouldn't talk to me or if she did it would be really short conversation. But in a few week she called my and were we hanging out and she would tell me she loved me and misses me on my voice mail. I will admit I was not giving her time she told me when all of this went down "Prove that you want to be with me". So I was trying sending flowers to her job, getting food delivered to her job, gifts all the works. But through that time she said she cares about me but doesn't fell the same anymore.

 

Now a days she won't even talk to me I call and she hangs up. Her and I have been together for 3 years, and I just thought there might be a chance. 1 more chance for love? I bought her an engagement ring back in june. I want to give it to her. Since we are not together it can't be an engagement ring, it could b a promise ring. I was planning to give it to her on Xmas day.

 

Some people say do some people say don't ruin her holiday but at this point this are ruined enough and I think if I give her the ring it will bring closure for me. I'm aready expecting the worse. I miss her so much and I messed up I know and I ask her does she miss me or does she love me she says no. But 3 years you just can't shake off in 3 months. I hate time cause time and space some people don't come back but it some thing that I need to give her. She said I will never get back with you but I thinking just couple weeks ago you said you missed me. And she even told me we will probaly get back together but she needed space but thats when she said prove it to her. I went to her house on Tuesday to get some of my things and she we got in a fight she torn my all our pictures and gave them to me. I called her on thursday to apolgize and she said don't call me the hung up on me.

 

I know guys I know ........I should get the hint, but I belive that she is just really angery right now and for a while. By giving her the ring its putting my feelings out there but I need to kno and if she say no to the promise her mom and family will she that i'm giving her a ring and they might say "Wow he is really serious". I asked he the question that all ex-boyfriend fear is there someone else. "She said NO and there won't be for a while".

 

The way I'm giving the ring is that I glued all of our pictures in a cardboard box and when she opens the box it will open up like a flower and she will see all of our pictures and ring stairing right at her. Plus I got her a really nice coach bag as well. Please help me.

[Tony T]

Don't you dare, under any circumstances whatsoever, give her a ring. NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO....NO RING !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This lady does not love you or care for you. Moreover, she is the wrong person for you and she does not deserve you!!!!!!!!!!! Worse yet, you will appear to be the biggest fool on planet Earth if you give her a ring at a time like this. If you want to give her something, sent her a plush bouquet of poison ivy !

 

Why in heaven's name would you want a life partner who is so unforgiving??? If you believe in a hell, there is no hell worse than having a partner who cannot understand, talk out, and forgive transgressions. Even worse, why would you ever want a woman who, in the middle of lovemaking, asks you about who else you've screwed in your life??? She was NOT making love with you if that's what she was thinking about. She was being a selfish, self-center bxtch. Decent people never ask things that are none of their fricken business. She is not a decent human being.

 

If I am ever making love with a female and she asks that question, I will be dressed and out of her life in 90 seconds.

 

This is the best thing that ever happened to you. Take a cold shower. And have yourself committed for observation before you ever give this lady a ring. You might think you love her but when you come to your senses you'll see what a sleeze she is. That's what dating is for...to find out these kinds of things. By show her butt, this lady has spared to a life of grief and nightmares.

 

NO RING FOR THIS ONE!!!

[jlove2004]

I know giving the ring is a bad idea but what do have to lose i can't go on anymore thinking she will come back and she probaly won't and the worst is if i don;t give her the ring in the back of my mind i will be thinking that dam mybe should of giving he rthe ring "She said my words have no meaning its all about actions.

[Tony T]

What do you have to lose??? You have to lose your honor and your dignity. Giving a ring is something you do to somebody who you are with who is good and who loves and cares about you. This is not a time to be giving rings. But, hey, you've had the benefit of some of the finest advice you could ever get. Go make an absolute fool of yourself. Do something that will make you feel like an idiot for the rest of your life. I'm not going to use my energy on you anymore. Do what you will.

 

You are pretty lovesick but I have to say I've been there before. That's why I can tell you that what you have planned is about the dumbest thing any man could do. But go for it. You're going to have to learn for yourself. Just hope the ring doesn't hit you in the eye.

 

What a romantic you are!!!

 

By the way, if she's a golddigging sleezebag or if she's pissed off enough at you, she'll keep the ring and use it to marry the next guy who comes along. Won't you just love that!!!

[GoodnPlenty]

She asked me if I messed around with another woman will we were F********. I did but b-4 we got together. I said no but I figured I will just tell her later. Anybody would say no if your person asked you a question during sex. But then she said if you are lyng to me its over. She found out. She was so hurt and so upset that she said its over.

 

Why did she ask you that while you were having sex? You were together for three years

so you must have some idea why this came up.

 

Also how did she find out that you slept with someone before you were together....Most of us sleep with "someone" before we get together with "someone else"...didn't she have an idea of your prior dating history before you got together.

 

 

 

Some clues to the puzzle are not apparent to me.

 

 

?

[maxmuscle]

jlove2004,

 

This is insane. This girl appears to be controlling. How dare she say that! What difference does it make regarding your prior relationships. Its all about the presence/future. Jeez! I know you love her bro, but use your logic. I know you are blinded by emotions and feelings, but come on? She broke up with you because of your past? She didn't even know you back then. There is worse stuff people break-up over, such as: Infidelity, verbal abuse, physical abuse, possiveness, drugs, alcohol, etc. You are neither of these things. She is crazy!

 

Don't sweat it! She DO NOT deserve a ring. She is going to run you in the ground, the gutter! Have some pride, backbone, strength, confidence, and arrogance!

 

I agree with Tony! You are going to do waht you want to do. I said my peace!

[midori]

Originally posted by jlove2004

She asked me if I messed around with another woman will we were F********. I did but b-4 we got together.

 

And so how on earth is this any of her business? And to ask in the middle of having sex? With the implicit possibility that saying "yes" would have spoiled the moment?

 

Sorry, but what kind of woman asks that question in the middle of sex? She sounds controlling and insecure to me.

 

"Prove that you want to be with me". So I was trying sending flowers to her job, getting food delivered to her job, gifts all the works. But through that time she said she cares about me but doesn't fell the same anymore.

 

Right. You did waaaaay more than enough to demonstrate that you really care about her. It's not enough for her -- because nothing will be enough for her. She's too insecure, and THAT is not something you can change. Not with a ring, not with a car and a house. She is paranoid about other women in your past -- not because of anything you did, but because she can't even bear the thought of another woman ever having been anywhere near you.

 

I predict that if you two ever did get back together, this woman would nag you to an early death. Her insecurity would demand to know about every woman you ever crossed paths with, coworkers, anyone who might be a threat. And to her every woman is a threat.

 

Now a days she won't even talk to me I call and she hangs up. Her and I have been together for 3 years, and I just thought there might be a chance. 1 more chance for love?

 

Love? How is she showing that she loves you? By punishing you for failing to live up to her irrational standards? Love also means forgiveness, and I think if she were inclined to forgive you she would have done so long ago. Yes, sometimes you do have to make up for hurtful mistakes. But this woman would have you living in perpetual purgatory for a very minor offense.

 

The way I'm giving the ring is that I glued all of our pictures in a cardboard box and when she opens the box it will open up like a flower and she will see all of our pictures and ring stairing right at her. Plus I got her a really nice coach bag as well. Please help me.

 

Please, please if you can return the ring and the bag, do so. Get your money back. If you can't return the bag, give it to your mom or your sister for Christmas. If you can't return the ring, put it away, or give it to your mom or sister. Really. Think of what you would be taking on if this woman actually did condescend to take you back.

 

There are lots and lots and lots of other women out there. Mature and confident women who aren't going to flip out because you actually had sex with another woman before you met them.

[Arabess]

jlove,

 

I guess the bottom line here is if someone you were with for 3 years, broke up with you over someone you slept with BEFORE you met, it sounds to me like she was looking for an excuse to break up anyway. To be pissed off is understandable....to break off a relationship is kind of goofy.

 

However, is the person you slept with a member of her family, a friend of hers or someone you both came in contact with during the time you were together? If it's any of those things, she may be somewhat justified to feel betrayed and embarassed.

 

I wouldn't do the ring thing for the simple reason.....it won't change or alter the end result. Either she will come back to you or she won't. Wait till she comes back....IF she does...then give her the ring in the spirit of love....not a spirit of begging her back.

 

Write her a note or email....tell her you have done all you can to repair the damgae. Tell her you will give her 1 month to come back and discuss this thing like an adult....or consider it permanently over. This will let her know you are NOT a doormat...but a man who loves her with a price....HER forgiveness. And if she isn't willing to forgive you.....then she won't be much of a wife anyway.

 

I know this is a very difficult time for you. I had a big break up over the holidays last year. The whole jolly season SUCKED!

[EnigmaXOXO]

I'm with everyone else in regard to moving on and NOT giving her the ring.

 

But I can't seem to get my mind around why she would be so upset that you were with someone else before her.

 

I was just wondering --- was this other lady a particular rival, relative or close friend of hers? Is it more of a matter of "who" you were with rather than the fact you were with anyone at all? Not that it would make any difference, but I'm thinking there HAS to be something more too it because it just doesn't make any sense.

 

Then again, I've been baffled before.

[EnigmaXOXO]

Shucks!

 

My question was already sniped by Arabess!

[moimeme]

OK. I do agree that you shouldn't give her the ring. However, I've heard two people say this question was 'none of her business'!!!!!!

 

How bizarre is that? We've had TONS of posts about talking about each other's past. I don't think that question is 'none of your business'. I think it's a perfectly legitimate question that people ask all the time. That she asked you during sex was bad, yes, but otherwise I'm astounded that people are all in knots about this.

 

 

Now, Tony said two opposing things:

 

1. Why in heaven's name would you want a life partner who is so unforgiving??? If you believe in a hell, there is no hell worse than having a partner who cannot understand, talk out, and forgive transgressions.

 

And then, in the next breath, he said

 

2. If I am ever making love with a female and she asks that question, I will be dressed and out of her life in 90 seconds.

 

I don't see any understand, talk out, and forgive transgressions in that!!!!!!

 

I think there is more to this story. The problem for her is that you lied. I can't believe that you only ever lied about this one thing or that that was the only thing wrong. I suspect that was the straw that broke the camel's back. No reasonable woman would get that upset over that one thing. What is the rest of the story?

[jlove2004]

There is more to the story this girl that I messed with this girl b-4 my ex she is crazy and harassed me for 3 in my relationship. She always confronted my ex and doing so she would always say me and Jason still mess around but we really didn't. This girl changed my address found out personal info about my ex in my email I just want my girl back. And I thought by it being the holidays that the ring could show my commitment to her. Should I even call her on X-mas.

[moimeme]

If you are being honest and this issue about not telling her is the only issue in the relationship (and I still have a lot of trouble believing that), then leave her alone. If she's mad, everything you do will make her madder. Maybe send her a Christmas card and in it, write out all your feelings for her, apologize for lying, tell her you always intended to tell her the truth, and hope she believes you. However, her anger is disproportionate to the event which tells me something else is going on, either with her or in your whole relationship. Nobody is that unreasonable.

[Tony T]

"Now, Tony said two opposing things:

 

1. Why in heaven's name would you want a life partner who is so unforgiving??? If you believe in a hell, there is no hell worse than having a partner who cannot understand, talk out, and forgive transgressions.

 

And then, in the next breath, he said

 

2. If I am ever making love with a female and she asks that question, I will be dressed and out of her life in 90 seconds."

 

So just where is it written that you can't forgive somebody and be out the door at the same time? I forgive EVERYBODY, but that doesn't mean that I will remain with them. I totally forgive all the people that cause me grief but there is BS I just won't put up with in my life. It doesn't mean that I don't forgive them but it means that I prefer not to have that element as part of my life. I am the captain of my heart and my ship. I hold no grudges against anybody ever. I just stay away from the people who act in a matter that is inconsistent with actions I consider repulsive, prepugnant, insane, unacceptable, etc.

 

There are many things I forgive people on a daily basis and I stick right by them. But just let a woman as me how many women I've screwed while we are making love...that's a thousand times worse than if she keeps farting while making love. Note: An occasional fart during lovemaking is something I can forgive and remain with. Consistent farting is something that I can forgive...but I won't remain around for long.

 

Simple as that.

[moimeme]

An occasional fart during lovemaking is something I can forgive and remain with

 

 

Good answer/allegory!