Author rp123 Posted October 29, 2009 Author Share Posted October 29, 2009 I got a great story for you! There once was a boy named " MOVE ON " He "MOVED ON" The end. Thebob You'll be pleased to know that I have not broken my NC. I've moved on so much, and will continue to, regardless of how the path turns..... Link to post Share on other sites
LovelyDaze Posted October 29, 2009 Share Posted October 29, 2009 You might need an absolute break from dating period so that you can clear your head of your ex. It wouldn't be fair to the new person you are with if all you want in your arms is "her" Try just staying friendly with the new person and not rush into a relationship just yet. It will be healthy and happy once you get over your ex. BTW: You are doing the right thing...NO CONTACT is the ultimate rule of thumb in getting over a break up. Link to post Share on other sites
CaliGuy Posted October 29, 2009 Share Posted October 29, 2009 Maybe a quote from CaliGuy would help: If they really want to get back with you, they would be banging at your door. Anything less than that is just a breadcrumb. That's pretty much what I'd say. People who really want to be with you aren't wishy/washy. They don't make excuses as to why you can't be together and they don't waiver on their feelings. If they really want you, come hell or high water, they will not only tell you -- they will beat down every door on their way to jumping ON you. Anything less? Crumbs. Link to post Share on other sites
Thebob Posted October 29, 2009 Share Posted October 29, 2009 That's pretty much what I'd say. People who really want to be with you aren't wishy/washy. They don't make excuses as to why you can't be together and they don't waiver on their feelings. If they really want you, come hell or high water, they will not only tell you -- they will beat down every door on their way to jumping ON you. Anything less? Crumbs. Man Caliguy you da man, I saw your post earlier about how your dating a lot of people but no one interests you. Honestly someone will come along, and you deserve to have someone good man, because you have helped so many people on this forum. Keep it up man, and you'll find someone great. Thebob Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted October 29, 2009 Share Posted October 29, 2009 Gosh, you sound really angry.... No - I'm not really angry. I'm just mildly pi$$ed off when someone comes on forum, asking for help in one direction, then promptly puts up all kinds of objections when they get it. You want your cake and eat it. You want to keep this new GF around on a back-burner (because that's exactly what you are doing by playing your delaying tactics and holding her at arm's length) yet at one and the same time, you are calculating whether breaking NC would get your ex back, because that's your aim. can't you see how that kind of attitude - when you've asked for something different - would be a little bit irritating? I hate it when people pi$$ down my leg and try to tell me it's rainwater. I agree you need to stop dating completely, be on your own, and sort yourself out. Glad to see you've not broken NC. Now - do this lady a favour, and either come COMPLETELY clean with her - including the bit about keeping her at arm's length - or tell her it's not going to work, and cut her loose. Stop trying to have it all ways your own, because it's not working for you - is it? Link to post Share on other sites
Author rp123 Posted October 29, 2009 Author Share Posted October 29, 2009 No - I'm not really angry. I'm just mildly pi$$ed off when someone comes on forum, asking for help in one direction, then promptly puts up all kinds of objections when they get it. You want your cake and eat it. You want to keep this new GF around on a back-burner (because that's exactly what you are doing by playing your delaying tactics and holding her at arm's length) yet at one and the same time, you are calculating whether breaking NC would get your ex back, because that's your aim. can't you see how that kind of attitude - when you've asked for something different - would be a little bit irritating? I hate it when people pi$$ down my leg and try to tell me it's rainwater. I agree you need to stop dating completely, be on your own, and sort yourself out. Glad to see you've not broken NC. Now - do this lady a favour, and either come COMPLETELY clean with her - including the bit about keeping her at arm's length - or tell her it's not going to work, and cut her loose. Stop trying to have it all ways your own, because it's not working for you - is it? Contrary to what you believe, I HAVE been completely open with the new girl. I have kept her at arms length because I respect her, myself, my ex.. However, I am going to tell her I'm not ready for new relationship right now. I know I can't give anything at the moment. Of course I put up objections to the advice I receive. Its a reflection of inner turmoil that anyone who is NC knows about. The daily struggle and internal conversation that goes on in the mind. looking for reasons why breaking NC would bring a positive outcome. I have retained my NC. My ex has made efforts to contact me 3 times during that period, and been met with only silence. I can't help but sometimes think that allowing limited dialogue may sometimes bring positive outcomes. I am so much stronger now than the emotional wreck I presented to my ex when we broke up. Is it not reasonable to believe that if your ex saw that you had returned to a state of calmness and confidence that they may be attracted again? The last image I presented to my ex was one of weakness. I want to re-address the balance, because I know now that I can....egi The space that NC has given me has allowed me to become more cool headed, and to calculate and be strategic about how I progress. But it may also be interpreted that I am no longer interested. A friend of mine stated that my NC especially in response to the texts, has left my ex in a state of fear, not knowing what to do.. I want to encourage her to make more contact without having my heart ripped out again... The immense pain that you pass through when broken hearted has also allowed me to grow so much. That doesn't mean that I love my ex any less, or that I'm over her. Once again Thanks Tara (*Ghengis*) and all of you for your comments. I really value them Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted October 29, 2009 Share Posted October 29, 2009 (edited) I have retained my NC. My ex has made efforts to contact me 3 times during that period, and been met with only silence. I can't help but sometimes think that allowing limited dialogue may sometimes bring positive outcomes. There's a minor possibility it might. But search the forum for people who broke NC and benefitted - and then look at athe avalanche of opposite results, when people broke NC - and deeply regretted it. The latter outnumber the former, easily 10 to 1.... I am so much stronger now than the emotional wreck I presented to my ex when we broke up. Is it not reasonable to believe that if your ex saw that you had returned to a state of calmness and confidence that they may be attracted again? No. You're kidding yourself. you've achieved this state of calmness precisely because NC has worked and you've tried to progress with your life. Seeing/contacting the ex would probably set you back, and just prove to the ex that, see? you ain't over nuthin'... you still want her.... The space that NC has given me has allowed me to become more cool headed, and to calculate and be strategic about how I progress. But it may also be interpreted that I am no longer interested. Which you shouldn't be. She's given you that space. She has never come back with any indication that she wants to try again. She's poking at you to see what it would take to get your interest back. There is nothing in her contacting you that has even intimated it might be to try again, is there? Trust me - if she wanted that - she would have made it abundantly clear. A friend of mine stated that my NC especially in response to the texts, has left my ex in a state of fear, not knowing what to do.. I want to encourage her to make more contact without having my heart ripped out again... You can't have one without the other. It's risk and reward. And the two don't go hand in hand, automatically. neither do they weigh the same. So the risk may well outweigh the benefits.... And if she were truly fearful, she would be making every effort HERSELF to address the issue. The only thing she's fearful of is that actually, she's not as important to you as she thought she was. Which is EGO. Not Love. The immense pain that you pass through when broken hearted has also allowed me to grow so much. That doesn't mean that I love my ex any less, or that I'm over her. Which is precisely why you are still too fragile, vulnerable and defenceless if she just turns round and says, "oh, I just wanted to see if you are ok". Which is all it will be. If you're not over her - you're not as calm and strong as you think you are. Sorry, but in order to truly develop that serenity and calmness externally AND internally, you'd have to be able to meet her naked in a bedroom, and leave. Once again Thanks Tara (*Ghengis*) and all of you for your comments. I really value them I can see I'm going to have to come up with a different avatar.....! Edited October 29, 2009 by TaraMaiden Link to post Share on other sites
Author rp123 Posted October 29, 2009 Author Share Posted October 29, 2009 Thank you Tara for your analysis.... Its most welcome. The tone of your reply suggests that the only option is to get over the person. Only when your over them can there really be positive outcome. You have to be genuinely over someone before there's a prospect of having them back, or being able to have any worthwhile dialogue with them? I'm sticking to my NC (for now...) Surely, I don't want to be posting another one of those 'I've just broken NC...' threads which, as you pointed out, nearly always show regret for breaking it. When/If I do decide to break my NC it will be with total neutrality. I will reveal nothing of myself, and I will be the one doing the fishing.... I do at times really feel I am strong enough to confront my ex, and be able to cope with what ever her response is. However, I have concerns that this strength may just be an illusion that NC has granted me. Thanks Again *Ghengis* Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted October 29, 2009 Share Posted October 29, 2009 The main issue here, is that she dumped you, and the relationship came to an end. Reconciliation has to be a two way objective, and has to be a committed effort from both parties. Both people have to want the same thing, and both people have to want it equally. She has never, at any moment since your separation, indicated to you that she is remorseful over her decision to end the relationship, or that she feels it would be a valuable and worthwhile exercise to try to redress the situation and embark once again, on a relationship. Has she? However, she has - by herself, and through others - made several attempts to contact you, with no particular evident objective in mind. The only e-mail/text/message/call you would be correct in responding to, would be one that BEGINS: "I think I made a huge mistake - I want to see you with the object of discussing trying again. Please let me see you." Other than that, there is absolutely no reason why you should respond to any advances she makes, for the pure and simple reason of either her or you to be able to say - 'NC was broken today'. Link to post Share on other sites
CaliGuy Posted October 29, 2009 Share Posted October 29, 2009 Tara, you are 100% correct. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts