moimeme Posted December 6, 2003 Share Posted December 6, 2003 Maybe I've become over-sensitized to this. I'm looking for perspective. First, background: I have now known several people, including ones in relationships, who have described themselves one way but acted quite another. The most stiking example is the abusive guy, who wrote a beautiful and impassioned letter to the editor about how he despised men who abused women!!!!! I seem to be on the lookout, now, to ensure that people are congruent in that they act the way they say they do or behave according to their stated beliefs. Having said that, I try my utmost to make sure that I am what I say I am and that I report myself truthfully. I figure I owe that to the other. So tell me, do you find that a lot of people say one thing about themselves but do otherwise? Do you do it? Is it 'cognitive dissonance' (people want to believe good about themselves and don't realize they are not doing what they say they do; sort of self-delusion)? Is it that people hide the truth because they are ashamed of what they really are? Or does it not happen that much and I just happen to have run into several instances of this? Maybe I need to turn down my radar? Oh ain't baggage grand? Link to post Share on other sites
Vivid_29 Posted December 6, 2003 Share Posted December 6, 2003 Yes, Moimeme, I must admit that I am guilty of this and should be hung from the biggest tree around here! Example - I sometimes find myself convincing women that I am so good for them and will never break their hearts, but in reality, I'm really bad for them. I know, I'm an a**h***!!! You know what's funny? No matter how bad I am, they still try. And for the longest time, I couldn't figure out why, but now I know. I guess it's good to be bad, sometimes. ~Viv Link to post Share on other sites
Author moimeme Posted December 6, 2003 Author Share Posted December 6, 2003 So wariness is warranted, huh? Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted December 6, 2003 Share Posted December 6, 2003 Get used to it. People swear to God everyday that they will be with their partners for life and divorce them a few years later. They say they'll be at your house at 5p.m. and don't show up until 6:30 if at all. They say they call you this afternoon and end up phoning three days later. They'll tell you they're generous and give you a movie ticket for Christmas. Sometimes we're talking the definition game. Different people mean different things by what they say. Many people's behavior is as much dictated by hormones as by their word. People who describe themselves as honest sign contracts all the time and break them. That doesn't make them dishonest, that just makes a specific behavior dishonest. Humans change their minds all the time. Instead of beating your head against the wall, if you ease of and not demand that people behave in any particular way you'll be lots happier. Yes, it would be wonderful if people did exactly what they said. It would be wonderful if they were consistent in how they felt. But they aren't. They are subject to chemicals, circumstances, time constraints, crises, schedule changes, broken down cars, disabled cell phones...all kinds of things. Yeah, you can drive yourself crazy wondering why people say one thing and do another. Or you can just accept it. No, you don't have to be happy about it and you can certainly disengage from people who consistently diappoint you. But never in your entire life will you find that people, in general, will show behavior that is consistent with their words. I do have to add that people should be evaluated on the basis of basic characteristics which should never change. You have to decide what those characteristics are. But the very nature of human beings is not to be static and consistent. Hopefully, most people do keep a basic, core value system that remains fairly constant. I also think that most educated people are open minded and free flowing and therefore are not as consistent as some of the more Forrest Gump types. People who are growing and evolving are crazy to describe themselves...because the description is always changing. And, yes, I think I'm a great, wonderful guy. But there are times when I can be a real bastard...but even then I'm nice about it. Link to post Share on other sites
Arabess Posted December 6, 2003 Share Posted December 6, 2003 Originally posted by moimeme Oh ain't baggage grand? I have so much baggage...if some guy came in the door....he would trip over the damn stuff and hate me before he even hit the floor! As far as the post at hand, I think people most attack the characteristics in other people (and their children) which they most dislike in themselves. Therefore, I guess it's safe to assume....they would also make public statements in a passionate tone about the very things they are guilty of. Maybe it's a way of chastising your own self and not having to take it personally....LOL! Link to post Share on other sites
yes Posted December 6, 2003 Share Posted December 6, 2003 i think the faults i notice in my parents are precisely the ones i dislike in myself. so i agree with arabess - ppl look for a way to express that disliking of themselves in someone else's direction. -yes Link to post Share on other sites
Author moimeme Posted December 6, 2003 Author Share Posted December 6, 2003 not demand that people behave in any particular way you'll be lots happier. Oh heck. It's not about that at all. Just how's a person to know who to trust so's not to get wounded? One doesn't wish to live one's life hiding from pain, but on the other hand, one hopes one will only make the same stupid mistakes a few times and then learn from them, no? For instance, by Vivid's self-report, it'd be a mistake to take up with him. But he'll come off as Mr. Wonderful to some poor wretch who'll subsequently end up here crushed because she trusted her heart to a player. sigh. Link to post Share on other sites
Duke Posted December 6, 2003 Share Posted December 6, 2003 I promise nothing so as not to dissappoint my girlfriends. Its the times that I act like a complete arse that I attract the most women, when I'm all warm and sensitive I tend to have my heart ripped out. Now I'm 35 and pretend nothing and can't believe that women are still attracted to me because I'm a fecking lunatic. I am a good dad tho, at least my daughter says so, well actually everyone says so. Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted December 6, 2003 Share Posted December 6, 2003 Sorry, only answer posts...don't read minds. Link to post Share on other sites
Author moimeme Posted December 6, 2003 Author Share Posted December 6, 2003 and pretend nothing and can't believe that women are still attracted to me Ye gods! A secure guy, or else somebody who decided it just isn't worth it to try to act what you're not. And he is surprised women are attracted!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Vivid_29 Posted December 6, 2003 Share Posted December 6, 2003 Originally posted by moimeme For instance, by Vivid's self-report, it'd be a mistake to take up with him. But he'll come off as Mr. Wonderful to some poor wretch who'll subsequently end up here crushed because she trusted her heart to a player. sigh. Come on, now, Moimeme, you have to give me some credit. It it weren't for a**h***s like me, Loveshack.org wouldn't exist! Link to post Share on other sites
Author moimeme Posted December 6, 2003 Author Share Posted December 6, 2003 Oh sure. Try to make me laugh after posting that Ugly one. Wretch. Link to post Share on other sites
MercyRose Posted December 6, 2003 Share Posted December 6, 2003 Its quite simple, just never believe a word anyone says. Look at their actions to see if they are treating you with respect most of the time, because you can't expect miracles Base your decisions on whether you want to spend time with a person like that on how much respect they treat you with, if its enough, or not enough. Also, keep in mind that they will treat you with less respect as time goes by. So you must decide if its enough for you if they start slacking, or if you deserve to be treated better. Then either get rid of them or keep them. If you keep them make sure you treat them with respect and show appreciation when they treat you well. Then, they will happily do it more and not slack too much. Link to post Share on other sites
Author moimeme Posted December 6, 2003 Author Share Posted December 6, 2003 Crumb. That's so much work. It'd be so nice if you could just trust someone who tells you that s/he's honest and be done with it. Link to post Share on other sites
yes Posted December 6, 2003 Share Posted December 6, 2003 i agree MerciRose, that's it's all about watching their actions for a while. being nice words-wise is good, you can be nice right back, but until the actions support it, you simply don't know what kind of person they are. what i am yet to learn is to be generally appreciative and nice yet encourage proper treatment. i guess what's easier is to withdraw your appreciation/niceness when they mistreat you. yeah. -yes Link to post Share on other sites
Vivid_29 Posted December 6, 2003 Share Posted December 6, 2003 Originally posted by MercyRose Its quite simple, just never believe a word anyone says. Look at their actions to see if they are treating you with respect most of the time, because you can't expect miracles Base your decisions on whether you want to spend time with a person like that on how much respect they treat you with, if its enough, or not enough. Also, keep in mind that they will treat you with less respect as time goes by. So you must decide if its enough for you if they start slacking, or if you deserve to be treated better. Then either get rid of them or keep them. If you keep them make sure you treat them with respect and show appreciation when they treat you well. Then, they will happily do it more and not slack too much. Great advice! I'm probably what every woman doesn't want in a man, but they still try, knowing that I'm bad for them. Even with your advice, from my past experiences, 80% of them will keep me. The other 20% who kick me to the curb, are the intelligent ones! Viv Link to post Share on other sites
Arabess Posted December 6, 2003 Share Posted December 6, 2003 80% of them will keep me. The other 20% who kick me to the curb, are the intelligent ones! just a little bit of a pearl-necklace and some maybe just some little bit of a dicklay As per your favorite quote there Viv.....maybe 20% were looking for a pearl necklace....while the other 80% were only in it for the dicklay..... Link to post Share on other sites
yes Posted December 6, 2003 Share Posted December 6, 2003 i think the reason women go for men who they KNOW are bad for them is because making it work would be like a miracle - and so it sounds more valuable and exciting than making it work with a decent guy. -yes Link to post Share on other sites
Duke Posted December 6, 2003 Share Posted December 6, 2003 I think the whole never believe a word anyone says is a bit of a harsh judgement. Personally I give everyone the benifit of the doubt until they prove untrustworthy. I do the same thing with matters of the heart because it allows you a get to know each other period so if the persons a d1nk you can still get out and not feel to badly about it. Link to post Share on other sites
yes Posted December 7, 2003 Share Posted December 7, 2003 when i say "don't believe a word they say" i don't mean assume they're bad - i mean don't assume anything, until actions show what they're like. so i don't see how this is harsh. if they seem good, i slowly open up... if they do something bad i close up a bit & see if it was just a slip... etc. that's the ideal way, i believe, whereas in reality i may be diff't, heh... -yes Link to post Share on other sites
Vivid_29 Posted December 7, 2003 Share Posted December 7, 2003 Originally posted by Arabess 80% of them will keep me. The other 20% who kick me to the curb, are the intelligent ones! just a little bit of a pearl-necklace and some maybe just some little bit of a dicklay As per your favorite quote there Viv.....maybe 20% were looking for a pearl necklace....while the other 80% were only in it for the dicklay..... LMAO Arabess! You are probably more right than you know! Link to post Share on other sites
Author moimeme Posted December 7, 2003 Author Share Posted December 7, 2003 Um. We are all clear on what a pearl necklace is, are we? Link to post Share on other sites
jenny Posted December 7, 2003 Share Posted December 7, 2003 lol! not the pearl necklace again! i wish there was a place with no pop-ups that i could keep up on my sexual terminology - my guys were going on and on about a donkey punch yesterday to my utter confusion. Link to post Share on other sites
Author moimeme Posted December 7, 2003 Author Share Posted December 7, 2003 Oh, trust me. You really don't want to know. Link to post Share on other sites
Vivid_29 Posted December 7, 2003 Share Posted December 7, 2003 Originally posted by moimeme Um. We are all clear on what a pearl necklace is, are we? I haven't figured out the pearl necklace thing, but I'm pretty sure that I know what 'dick-lay (notice how I added the hyphen) is. Link to post Share on other sites
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