5 months today since the betrayal.

[Bobby2010]

And what a roller coaster of emotions in that time. I am now,finally, starting to be myself again. I'm not all the way back yet, probably won't be for some time.

 

Some lessons learned for sure.

 

For the love of God trust your gut. It's the only evidence I really had, and what was going on was far worse than I suspected.

 

If you ever find yourself wondering if your SO is starting to become distant, act on it. Don't just ask her/him if everything is alright, you will be lied to if they are cheating.

 

Instead just separate immediately, as I wish I had done.

 

Harsh without strong evidence, but think about it.

 

If they are cheating, they will accept the separation and wish you well. There's your answer if you are suspicious.

If they aren't cheating, they will go out of their way to fix things. They will not just accept it.

 

I was naive, and believed her when I got the "just friends" line. I never in a million years thought my soul mate would betray me. She hasn't been in touch since she left me for a co-worker in May. Nothing.

 

If you ever find yourself thinking "She (or he) is acting like a completely different person lately" The truth is they are not. They are now showing who in fact they really are, and who they always really were.

 

They were a different person for us. They were fake for us. The person we thought we had didn't really exist.

 

 

Long story short, I am feeling better. And man I wish I had become an LS member as soon as I started to see the warning signs.

[2sure]

Bobby - you are 100% correct. If the value of this hindsight were to be recognized by those living it right now or about to...there would be 75% less questions in this part of the forum.

 

You have taken everything Ive tried to say a million different ways and summed it up completely and to the point.

 

You got it. What have you done with it?

[FreezorBurn]

my wife had a EA. While I was enraged becuase I Knew it was going to happen and told wife to "not become too close" over a year ago. it still Happend anyway .

 

I had to threaten A divorce and that woke her up. We did not seperate we are 5 month out and tring to work it out. But we had 2 kids and jointly held assets.

 

So not separating for us is so far good, However your right leaving might smack the other person back to reality.

 

My wife swears it the truth that no sex ever happend. But I told her the EA was just as bad. and it is our marriage was hurt and is on the edge right now.

[Dexter Morgan]

 

Instead just separate immediately, as I wish I had done.

 

Harsh without strong evidence, but think about it.

 

If they are cheating, they will accept the separation and wish you well..

 

not necessarily. There are some that won't accept the separation because although they are selfish and cheating, they don't want to lose their familiar and comfortable life. they just wanted to be able to screw around and not get caught, and once caught, or the threat of separation comes to light, some waffle and say that isn't what they want.

 

but I agree, just separate. no sense in being with someone who screws around behind your back

[seibert253]

my wife had a EA. While I was enraged becuase I Knew it was going to happen and told wife to "not become too close" over a year ago. it still Happend anyway .

 

I had to threaten A divorce and that woke her up. We did not seperate we are 5 month out and tring to work it out. But we had 2 kids and jointly held assets.

 

So not separating for us is so far good, However your right leaving might smack the other person back to reality.

 

My wife swears it the truth that no sex ever happend. But I told her the EA was just as bad. and it is our marriage was hurt and is on the edge right now.

 

Freezer's right.

Seperating only gives the WS unfiltered access to the AP. Ultimately you need to give an ultimatium, choose; marriage or the AP. If they choose the AP, well then it's time for THEM to go.

 

By being in the home, you're also a thorn in the side of the A.

Two things kill an A, being the torn, and exposure.

[Blindsidedagainalive]

If you get suspicious (distance), then you go underground and get evidence. There are many ways to do this. If your spouse does not know you are suspicious, they can be caught easily via cell phone snooping, computer key logger, voice recorder, or PI.

 

Once you have the proof, confront and give ultimatum. Expose the affair to OM/OW's spouse, friends, family, and employer if it's a work affair.

 

If you are willing to work it out, and the spouse terminates the affair, then you move toward reconciling.

 

In your case, your wife moved out. This is NOT always the case. Many people in affairs would rather stay in their marriage.

 

In my case, my WW dropped the OM in one day and has been working hard to reconcile.

 

I don't know if I will ever recover, but that's another story. The ball is in my court now.

 

In some ways, you may be fortunate. I have heard that people that break quickly after an affair feel the pain worse at first, but recover more quickly.

 

Every day I have to look at the woman that was porking a coworker in the park. I can barely make eye contact with her still.....and I am 2 years out!~

[65tr6]

In some ways, you may be fortunate. I have heard that people that break quickly after an affair feel the pain worse at first, but recover more quickly.

 

I think there is some truth in that in my case. I functioned ok after the dday but I thought i was going to die. I am one year out, I cant believe it is the same me.

 

OP, what is that you want ? have you exposed the affair ? do you care about your marriage anymore ?

[ADF]

For the love of God trust your gut. It's the only evidence I really had, and what was going on was far worse than I suspected.

 

Now those are words of wisdom. The truth is almost always far, far worse than we suspect.

[trueblue72ny]

i'll tell ya one thing. ive learned to pay attention to my gut instincts when it comes to things like this. i had to learn the hard way also. its not cool.

[Bobby2010]

OP, what is that you want ? have you exposed the affair ? do you care about your marriage anymore ?

 

I'm not sure what I want exactly. Just more healing time I guess, since I am definitely feeling better than I was after we separated.

 

I confronted her, many times, there were way too many red flags. She'd deny anything was happening, or wrong. I never had proof, but the fact she was living with a new guy within a week of the break up makes it a no brainer.

 

And no I don't care about it anymore, that person was a complete and utter phony. The person I fell in love with is dead, at least that's what it feels like. I could never take her back.

[Bobby2010]

And I found out today that she's engaged to him.

 

I have no idea what I'm feeling at the moment, like whoa. Wasn't expecting that.

 

This feeling is new. Mind blown above anything I guess. Damn.

[Bryanp]

I now that you are hurting but in the long run you are a very lucky man. She has a totally broken moral compass. Feel sorry for the guy she is marrying. You can bet down the line he will be in your shoes and he will have to pay big time in a lot of different ways. In short, you are a very lucky guy.

[Bobby2010]

Bryan thanks for the reply. Man I hope you're right, this sh*t is wild.

 

I'm totally flabbergasted right now.

[HarmonyHope]

And I found out today that she's engaged to him.

 

I have no idea what I'm feeling at the moment, like whoa. Wasn't expecting that.

 

This feeling is new. Mind blown above anything I guess. Damn.

 

Has anyone even filed for divorce yet? What an amazingly low-class thing to do - getting publicly engaged before even being divorced. Ouch.