hubby multiple affairs-I don't want divorce am I wrong?

[holly olson]

hubby has many affairs but I dont want to divorce. Is this wrong? I hate the thought of being a single parent-4 kids 5years-14years. He's been having internet affairs for at least 7 years. I knew about these and hated them. I pleaded for him to stop and he would for a while. But how to monitor this? I know some of his usernames/password, but he always just made a new one at work. Anyways he would behind my back, start chatting with several girls, then actually fly to another country to met his "best" one. I wasn't even suspcious because he is an international architect and often works on assignments overseas. He just happened to need to go research in whatever country his latest fling was in. He might see a girl once or twice in a year and then move on to someone else. When I confront him, he makes me feel guilty for doubting him. At home, he can lie so easily that I believe him completely. Anyways, he's on his latest job assignment-this one i think is legit and while looking for receipts for quarterly taxes I found a secret file full of hotel receipts with 2 names on them, dinner for 2, flowers sent, etc. going back 4 years. What I didn't know didn't hurt me, but now I'm devasted at his ability to juggle so many affairs and still look/act normal at home. I don't want to raise the kids alone and I don't want them shuffled between Dad's house and Mom's place. As I said when he's home he's a great liar and probably doesn't want to hurt my feelings so hopes I'll not find out the truth. I always thought I had a good self esteem, but now am questioning why I would stay with him. I think I would be willing to put up with it, if that helps my kids. We don't fight about the affairs in front of the kids and I know they have no idea. He's a good dad and other than this a good husband (that sounds strange, but it's true) Am I just being stupid?

[Goatsbreath]

Ok, well this is not good. You can't just sweep this under the carpet and hope things get better. I mean you sound like this is something you are going to try and live with and you should never have to live with this. The cheating is one thing. But how you start looking at yourself after a while of endoring it will be a complete other. It will eat you up. Im going to suggest counseling because I dont think you are prepared to handle this alone. I think you need to make it clear to your husband the severity of the issue on hand, how it has made you feel. Tell him you think you need marriage counseling if he wants to work this out, otherwise its the highway. If you just allow it- then he will to do what you allow him to do. If you dont have respect for yourself, then either will he. Good luck

[holly olson]

Thanks for the advice. I have already made an appointment with a counselor. I'd rather he had no respect for me than have my kids have no self-respect. I think I can handle him- after all I have very little respect for him and I can call it quits whenever I want. I just want to give my kids as much stability as possible. As I said, he's very good at pretending at home and I guess I am too. Besides, he does travel on legitimate business so he's gone a lot of the time anyways and the kids and I can keep the house and the feeling that "Daddy is away working on his next project but he'll be home soon." Rather than "Daddy left us because he loves somebody else more and maybe Mommy will leave us too." I know my middle son will react with a lot of rage and I want to avoid it at least until he is older.

[bark]

hubby multiple affairs-I don't want divorce am I wrong?

 

No.

 

Regardless of what people tell you, you are not wrong, holly.The people who give you advice do not parent your children, they do not live with your husband and they are not you.

 

You'll get alot of counseling ultimatum advice: "tell him counseling or divorce."

 

Some will simply counsel ultimatum: "one more affair and it's over."

 

Others will tell you, "just get out."

 

Only you know your family, marriage, children and marriage. Women, with young children and financial dependency, often stay with a philandering husband especially if she perceives him to be a good dad, stable provider and non-abusive spouse. As with most things in life, it's a trade-off: in exchange for resources and stability in the home she seemingly "tolerates" serial adultery.

 

Are there remedies short of divorce? Sure, there's counseling, therapy, support groups, cultivation of friendships and activities. I would try these less drastic remedies, first.

 

I'd let him know that his cheating has nasty, nasty consequences--both emotional and medical (with the risk of STDs)--on you, his kids and himself. I'd insist that he get himself tested for your own protection. I would also demand that he stop cheating. But I don't think he will. He's having too much fun (for now).

 

Meanwhile, stay on top of your family's financial affairs so that when you divorce him (I suspect you will, eventually) you'll have an excellent idea as to how much child support he can afford. Also, watch bank account statements very carefully to see if there are any large withdrawals for unexplained reasons. I have no doubt your husband is giving expensive gifts to his internet floozies.

 

He also may have a special credit card where the bills come to work, not home, for security reasons. Possibly the same applies to cell phone bills. So many tricks, so little time.

 

Good luck. I know why you're not doing what you're not doing. The survival of your wounded but intact family trumps your profound emotional grievances-- for now.

 

Good luck.

[midori]

Originally posted by bark

I'd let him know that his cheating has nasty, nasty consequences--both emotional and medical (with the risk of STDs)--on you, his kids and himself. I'd insist that he get himself tested for your own protection. I would also demand that he stop cheating. But I don't think he will. He's having too much fun (for now).

 

Meanwhile, stay on top of your family's financial affairs so that when you divorce him (I suspect you will, eventually) you'll have an excellent idea as to how much child support he can afford. Also, watch bank account statements very carefully to see if there are any large withdrawals for unexplained reasons. I have no doubt your husband is giving expensive gifts to his internet floozies.

 

He also may have a special credit card where the bills come to work, not home, for security reasons. Possibly the same applies to cell phone bills. So many tricks, so little time.

 

This is excellent advice. You can take some protective steps even while staying in the marriage. Since you're talking about multiple liasons with different women, not only would I insist that your husband regularly get tested for STD's (and you should too), I would insist that he use a condom if the two of you have sex. It won't protect you from everything but it will for some of the more serious things.

 

If you choose to stay in your marriage despite his cheating, you need to be proactive and smart about protecting your interests -- which is how you'll protect your children.

[bark]

I insist that your husband regularly get tested for STD's (and you should too), I would insist that he use a condom if the two of you have sex. It won't protect you from everything but it will for some of the more serious things.

 

midori is correct, and I was an idiot for not mentioning that it is absolutely essential that you get tested periodically and you must absolutely insist that your husband use a condom. This is especially important because his trysts occur with women overseas, where the STD rate may be higher than here in North America.

 

The absolute number one rule you must live by during this spousal co-existence is : protect yourself (and, by extension, your family).

[holly olson]

Thanks for the advice. I had already started thinking of most of what you said, but it's good to get reassurance. We probably will get divorced eventually, I'm just trying to buy time until I'm sure I'm emotionally and financially able to raise my kids. But I know he can still walk out any time so I need to be ready ASAP just in case. I wish it could all be erased, but he has too many secrets and I will always wonder just who he is thinking about to ever go back to happiness. Again thanks! Keep giving advice even if I disagree or don't want to hear it, I need to get a lot of perspectives on this. I'd especially like to hear from any cheating husbands about why they do it or wives who have survived affairs and how.

[brashgal]

One thing I've wondered - don't these guys worry at all about their personal safety? Husbands, boyfriends, fathers, other family members might not treat adulterers so well if they find out what is happening. Or these men may run into a Fatal Attraction type of woman who decides she wants more.

 

This may be something you ask him in your discussions - has he considered the possibilities?

[Arabess]

GAWD...the man must be EXHAUSTED!

 

I would take Bark's advice....along with stashing away a little nest egg of your own.

 

This must really be tough to live thru. I personally couldn't do it.....but I respect you wanting to keep your family together.

 

Also, keep in mind, the 'other women' in his life....are much more jealous of you than you will ever be of them.

[holly olson]

You guys are really great. I loved the GAWD...the man must be EXHAUSTED! Humor always helps! At least tonight I'm feeling well enough to fall asleep with out crying.