Better Dayz...moving on from break up

[muse08]

hello all. i have just moved...

 

from the "breaking up" forum to here. i am trying to move past the thread i started which was essentially about my ex and the negativity. i felt down just looking at the title.

 

so now i feel the need to look,read and live and different title. thus better dayz.

 

today i had a pretty peaceful convo w/ex. but for some reason i feel like it was going to be our last. he talked as if he expected me to keep him posted of how i'm doing but i just listened and let him think what he wanted. i didn't agree to anything.i am making a personal agreement to myself to contiously try to move past those dark ages...really. i don't expect each day to be perfect just b/c i'm moving on, i just want to be more aware of my thinking and the message that come out of my head and into LS. so i'm trying to not think about him so much or any relationship for that matter right now. i do however have to remember my reasons for leaving him or i could easily repeat my past and fall for something silly regarding him or a thought or contact. i need your help)))thanks y'all!

 

holler back ANGEL!

Edited October 30, 2009 by muse08

[Lamak]

Remember that although NC is hard in the beginning, it gets easier if you do it the right way.

[muse08]

plain and simple you're right.

 

i've broken it twice but have tired of being tired of the viscious cycle...him wanting revenge basincally b/c i chose to break up with him and not change my mind. so i like to just do it (NC, etc) without talking about it a lot. so this time i'm not saying it, i'm just saying i'm moving on...which to me means the same. some people go NC so to speak but inside, they have not emotionally moved on. instead they are sitting around expecting him/her to come running back. i'm not expecting him to come back at this point...really. i just want peace in my life and when another relationship comes about then i just want to be ready and equipped to embrace it;)

[muse08]

taking things one day at a time. spent lots of time with him. now it's really different even though i was the one who made the decision, it still pops in head from time to time. i'm pretty much serious about moving on now. i have no more to give to him. it was too draining.

 

just trying to stay strong now and focus on myself.

[Angel1111]

I was wondering where you went.

 

You know, I think it's sometimes necessary to talk to the ex for some closure so I don't think it's a big deal. What I think is important is to go quiet in the beginning so that they get the message loud and clear - and you did that. And I think you handled it well by not getting into a discussion about what he thinks you're going to do or not do - just let him think what he wants.

 

I think your new post is wonderful! You're probably going to have good and bad days, it's just to be expected - but overall you're doing the right thing.

[muse08]

thanks. the good and bad day thing is too true. i wish it weren't. i'm having an ok day today but it started off with thoughts of him for a little while. woke up thinking no text or call from him. usually i'd have at least 3 or 4 texts/vcmail/calls from him when i actually wake up, lol.crazy right yet true.

 

now another guy from the past has been contacting me.(am i sounding like you? kidding) he's nothing serious. he asked me out for sunday afternoon though, before he goes to work.works on fridays and saturdays. i don't even know if i want to keep the date or not. we used to date a while ago. he had too much going on. 2 kids moving from another state to live with him and a separation...not divorce...kids are like 15 and 17. his situation doesn't make me comfortable and his time is limited b/c he works 2 jobs, one from 11pm-7am. right now i'm not emotionally attached to him b/c of my current X.however,this older Xman has been there each time i date someone else and break up.there were times when i couldn't get him out of my head.one other guy that i used to date for a VERY short time called the older guy from my cell phone and tried to tell him not to call or text me anymore. the older guy told the dude that he doesn't tell him what to do or that he can't talk to me b/c and that he's known me longer than him and knows my family and all.it was a nightmare when it was happening. i spoke to the older guy the next day and thanked him for saying what he said b/c that other dude wz a clown.crazy... i was actually in break up mode with that crazio who called from MY PHONE! my current X never pulled a stunt like that probably mainly b/c i prefaced our relationship with the story about serving another X w/a protective order.

 

)))however, i never told you he(current X) looked through my cell when he used my phone to call his mother one morning.he paid some of my cell phone bill and couldn't keep his on so he used my phone to call his mother one morning. i heard the whole conversation 'cuz we were still in bed together.when he was done he thought i was sleep.iheard him continously clicking and clicking.so when he stopped he shook my shoulder trying to wake me up.he said "baby...baby? do you love me?" so i said yes(regretfully)asked him what he was doing. he told me that he was looking at my recent calls to see who i'd been talking to and only saw his name.he was clicking too long to only have looked at recent calls. i hadn't had many recent calls b/c that phone was a loaner phone due to mine being repaired.so i'm wondering if he saw something more...who knows.(((

 

anyhoo,so my dating life has been a bit colorful. but this older guy i'm telling you about now is more of what i like physically and has same spiritual bkgrnd. the "fruitcake" X was really not what i was attracted to. it's just that he wooed me and i got used to him. the older guy came to see me a few weeks ago and he tried to get a bit physically but i wasn't even turned on. we used to go at it like no body's business! we would c each other about every weekend and some week nights.it was a much healthier relationship yet i still felt it wasn't what i deserved b/c his kids were coming and i felt like it was more to his separation than he was telling me(know what i mean?). i used to think i was under a spell 4 real! but now he doesnt really excite me:o. i told him i had just ended a relationship but he still wanted to push. we kissed.i wasn't feeling it at all really. but he kissed longer when i really just wanted to chill and watch tv. i think i was closer to my depression then,which was a few weeks ago. a few weeks ago i was really a mess.my job and breakup fresh on my mind and heart...whew!

 

so should i c this older guy this weekend. i think i will to give myself something to do and see how it makes me feel and what he's talking about. he "said" that he wants us to get back to how we were but more serious.(i will believe it when i see his actions...)

Edited October 31, 2009 by muse08

[muse08]

X called @ 7:27am 2day. i had my ringer off. he didn't leave a message and i didn't call back...

 

i'm proud of me!

[Heartford]

Hi muse08! I've read your recent thread about this guy, including the post by angel that we're all kindred spirits.....so true! (I posted the thread about being devastated (or some other word) about my bf lying about a weekend with another woman.)

 

I'm proud of you too for not responding to his call. Do it only when and if you feel disconnected and disinterested enough not to get caught up in any emotional drama.

 

Spending time with this older ex of yours sounds fine, but if you aren't into him physically anymore, what's the use of considering anything more emotionally with him? I don't know, I'm the kind of person that has little patience for people I don't really connect with on some level......... I get bored too easily and would rather spend my time alone. But that's me.

 

When my ex tries contacting me I feel PRESSURE and STRESS. I hate it. I add this in response to you saying how you woke up wondering why no text or call from him. At first I would wonder why he hasn't contacted me, is he playing a game or is he busy or is he with someone else or or or or......... but I got so sick of that loop of thought, and focused on ME. How do I feel about his contact, about what he has to say, how do I feel about taking time out of my day to respond to this guy?

 

Congrats for deciding to move on, it's going to be a journey, but well worth it, I'm sure!

[Angel1111]

Yeah, your dating life is starting to sound like mine used to. Personally I don't think much of a guy who continues to try to force himself on you when you told him you weren't interested. That's a problem as far as I'm concerned. I think you need to write all these guys off and wait until someone decent comes along. None of them sound that stellar to me. Just my thoughts.

 

Hey, Heartford! So good to hear from you. I hope you're doing well. How are things?

[muse08]

Hi muse08! I've read your recent thread about this guy, including the post by angel that we're all kindred spirits.....so true! (I posted the thread about being devastated (or some other word) about my bf lying about a weekend with another woman.)

 

I'm proud of you too for not responding to his call. Do it only when and if you feel disconnected and disinterested enough not to get caught up in any emotional drama.

 

Spending time with this older ex of yours sounds fine, but if you aren't into him physically anymore, what's the use of considering anything more emotionally with him? I don't know, I'm the kind of person that has little patience for people I don't really connect with on some level......... I get bored too easily and would rather spend my time alone. But that's me.

 

When my ex tries contacting me I feel PRESSURE and STRESS. I hate it. I add this in response to you saying how you woke up wondering why no text or call from him. At first I would wonder why he hasn't contacted me, is he playing a game or is he busy or is he with someone else or or or or......... but I got so sick of that loop of thought, and focused on ME. How do I feel about his contact, about what he has to say, how do I feel about taking time out of my day to respond to this guy?

 

Congrats for deciding to move on, it's going to be a journey, but well worth it, I'm sure!

 

hi heartford. your thought process sounds like mine as well. i too get bored easily and have little patience. i guess b/c i spent so much time with this current ex, it has taken some time to get him out of my head. when i woke up sometimes i would wonder "hmmm, nothing from him 2day". and i would feel bitter/sweet. now i'm actually not thinking about him as much on a daily basis. this older Xman has some qualities that i do and don't care for. i actually went out with him today but felt no chemistry other than platonic...he tried more but i just couldn't. once i moved on from him a while ago i never really thought a whole lot about him and now i almost laugh at how he thinks i would be falling for him right now. i think i'll keep him at arm's length b/c i really have no feelings for him anymore. i guess i wanted to see whether i did or not. i realize i don't.

 

thank you for briefing me on your story. you and angel1111 gave been angels!

[muse08]

Personally I don't think much of a guy who continues to try to force himself on you when you told him you weren't interested. That's a problem as far as I'm concerned.

 

good observation. i feel the same in a way b/c to me it seems as though he thinks he can force me to "feel" him again. he's made the comment "it's going to be so much better this time around"...i've said to him "what do you mean? i'm still trying to get over the guy i just broke up with and you know that..." he doesn't seem to paying attention to what i said. what i do know is that he's a bit conceited and that's a big turn off for me. funny thing is he started contacting me as soon as i started the breakup with my recent X. do men have radar for that, is he "tapping" my cell phone, or just coincidence i guess. that's something to be aware of even if he's not. i read an article about that and it really can happen.

[Angel1111]

Whoa, I hope he's not tapping into your cell phone. I think that would be a difficult thing to pull off but I guess it's possible. If you're really worried about that, find out how it's done and then see if your phone is being tapped. Should be easy enough to figure out.

 

Usually, people just pick up on signals - it happens all the time. Not that you deliberately attracted him but he was probably aware on some level that it was time to contact you.

 

I have to run but I'll come back as soon as I get a chance. Keep smiling!

[Heartford]

hi heartford. your thought process sounds like mine as well. i too get bored easily and have little patience. i guess b/c i spent so much time with this current ex, it has taken some time to get him out of my head. when i woke up sometimes i would wonder "hmmm, nothing from him 2day". and i would feel bitter/sweet. now i'm actually not thinking about him as much on a daily basis. this older Xman has some qualities that i do and don't care for. i actually went out with him today but felt no chemistry other than platonic...he tried more but i just couldn't. once i moved on from him a while ago i never really thought a whole lot about him and now i almost laugh at how he thinks i would be falling for him right now. i think i'll keep him at arm's length b/c i really have no feelings for him anymore. i guess i wanted to see whether i did or not. i realize i don't.

 

thank you for briefing me on your story. you and angel1111 gave been angels!

 

Hi muse........ I'm glad you got the chance to figure out you really don't have feelings for the old ex anymore. How often were you in touch with him during this last relationship? Maybe you responded back to him more quickly while it was falling apart and that's why he upped the "lets get back together" thing? I don't know, we all have ways of picking up on other people's vibes, maybe it was something like that.

 

Have you heard anything from the recent ex lately?

 

How are you feeling?

[Heartford]

Yeah, your dating life is starting to sound like mine used to. Personally I don't think much of a guy who continues to try to force himself on you when you told him you weren't interested. That's a problem as far as I'm concerned. I think you need to write all these guys off and wait until someone decent comes along. None of them sound that stellar to me. Just my thoughts.

 

Hey, Heartford! So good to hear from you. I hope you're doing well. How are things?

 

Hey angel, I'm doing fine. It's still a struggle and my mind wants so much to play tricks on me and convince me that he just made a bad boo-boo but everything else is ok...... but it's the way he has talked to me about all this that bugs me, he barely takes any responsibility and wants to put this "disruption" on me. He even texted and told me about loving me, that he does, but "I'm difficult to love" and that "I'm alot to deal with." What? What is that supposed to mean, and how does he think I'd respond to that?

 

Hope you are well too, and I'm so glad you've been able to help muse out so much, I hope you realize how wonderful it is to have a solid rock like you to lean on in times of confusion and self-doubt.

[muse08]

Hi muse........ I'm glad you got the chance to figure out you really don't have feelings for the old ex anymore. How often were you in touch with him during this last relationship? Maybe you responded back to him more quickly while it was falling apart and that's why he upped the "lets get back together" thing? I don't know, we all have ways of picking up on other people's vibes, maybe it was something like that.

 

Have you heard anything from the recent ex lately?

 

How are you feeling?

 

don't get me wrong. the old Xman is the one i was and am more "physically" attracted to but my more recent X wooed me to the point where i am used to him more and still miss him a bit. he called once again last week and left a message but i deleted it b4 listening...so i don't know what he said. i feel like texting him,lol...crazy right!!! the old X is really pressing.he just called earlier today and last night after we went out.and wants me to call him this evening. i probably wont.maybe a text saying how i really want us to ease up and slow down...you think i should say that or just let him do whatever and me not say much?

[muse08]

Hey angel, I'm doing fine. It's still a struggle and my mind wants so much to play tricks on me and convince me that he just made a bad boo-boo but everything else is ok...... but it's the way he has talked to me about all this that bugs me, he barely takes any responsibility and wants to put this "disruption" on me. He even texted and told me about loving me, that he does, but "I'm difficult to love" and that "I'm alot to deal with." What? What is that supposed to mean, and how does he think I'd respond to that?

 

Hope you are well too, and I'm so glad you've been able to help muse out so much, I hope you realize how wonderful it is to have a solid rock like you to lean on in times of confusion and self-doubt.

 

i agree angel has truly been a rock! like the ones on the ...(anyway let me stop the dramatics) but it's true angel i appreciate you.

 

heartford, i feel you. don't feel guilty about anything. i think i'm convinced your X is very similar to my recent X.he too tries making me feel guilty but i refuse.i do feel sentimental sometimes and miss him but not guilty. my X proposed and i return the ring in a day...needless to say he wasnt happy about it.so he's made comments like you might end up being one of those women who never get married.cause you so picky...yada yada yada. AND so i think your X is feeling guilty and ashamed and doesn't know any other way to respond but by trying to make you feel bad. not justifying his behavior in any way. have you seen him lately? does he ever pop up at your place? does he have CRAZY potential?

[Heartford]

don't get me wrong. the old Xman is the one i was and am more "physically" attracted to but my more recent X wooed me to the point where i am used to him more and still miss him a bit. he called once again last week and left a message but i deleted it b4 listening...so i don't know what he said. i feel like texting him,lol...crazy right!!! the old X is really pressing.he just called earlier today and last night after we went out.and wants me to call him this evening. i probably wont.maybe a text saying how i really want us to ease up and slow down...you think i should say that or just let him do whatever and me not say much?

 

 

No, it's not so crazy to want to text your ex, but it's the good stuff you're missing, obviously not the bad, and sometimes the bad just has to outweigh the good.

 

I think you should tell the old ex to slow down, that you aren't interested at this time. That's the most honest thing you can do. He'll probably try and convince you why you two should give it another go, so be prepared.

[Heartford]

i agree angel has truly been a rock! like the ones on the ...(anyway let me stop the dramatics) but it's true angel i appreciate you.

 

heartford, i feel you. don't feel guilty about anything. i think i'm convinced your X is very similar to my recent X.he too tries making me feel guilty but i refuse.i do feel sentimental sometimes and miss him but not guilty. my X proposed and i return the ring in a day...needless to say he wasnt happy about it.so he's made comments like you might end up being one of those women who never get married.cause you so picky...yada yada yada. AND so i think your X is feeling guilty and ashamed and doesn't know any other way to respond but by trying to make you feel bad. not justifying his behavior in any way. have you seen him lately? does he ever pop up at your place? does he have CRAZY potential?

 

Ha ha I'll answer this in a few minutes, have a meeting to go to right now..... but these are great questions and comments muse, especially the feeling guilty parts..... I'll be back in a little while.

[muse08]

Hi muse........ I'm glad you got the chance to figure out you really don't have feelings for the old ex anymore. How often were you in touch with him during this last relationship? Maybe you responded back to him more quickly while it was falling apart and that's why he upped the "lets get back together" thing? I don't know, we all have ways of picking up on other people's vibes, maybe it was something like that.

 

Have you heard anything from the recent ex lately?

 

How are you feeling?

 

i was in touch with the oldX only once or twice during this relationship/breakup.he texted me once while recent guy and i were together but i didn't respond with much of anything.so was another guy who i used to see, but again i don't like messing around really unless i'm on my way out the door for sure(so to speak).even then it feels weird like now,i like the attention but i don't get that "feeling" with the older X anymore.he's trying to make me change my mind but i don't feel my mind changing.

[muse08]

Ha ha I'll answer this in a few minutes, have a meeting to go to right now..... but these are great questions and comments muse, especially the feeling guilty parts..... I'll be back in a little while.

 

lol...ok.on my way out as well, but look forward to your responses. be back in about an hour...

 

this stuff is kinda funny at times. better to laugh than to cry right!

[Heartford]

i agree angel has truly been a rock! like the ones on the ...(anyway let me stop the dramatics) but it's true angel i appreciate you.

 

heartford, i feel you. don't feel guilty about anything. i think i'm convinced your X is very similar to my recent X.he too tries making me feel guilty but i refuse.i do feel sentimental sometimes and miss him but not guilty. my X proposed and i return the ring in a day...needless to say he wasnt happy about it.so he's made comments like you might end up being one of those women who never get married.cause you so picky...yada yada yada. AND so i think your X is feeling guilty and ashamed and doesn't know any other way to respond but by trying to make you feel bad. not justifying his behavior in any way. have you seen him lately? does he ever pop up at your place? does he have CRAZY potential?

 

Frankly, I don't know what crazy is at the moment. Is it crazy for him to park in my driveway and spend the night without me knowing? He did it twice, once I knew about and once I didnt. ( I guess that means at least twice)

 

Yeah, your ex saying things about you might end up never marrying because of yada yada yada definately sounds mean and manipulative......he's trying to play on any fears you might have of not settling down, marrying, and having a family, etc etc. That is a terrible thing for him to say. Because it's so rude, and yet so obvious.

 

I don't know if my ex feels guilty. I honestly can't tell. He doesn't seem to, at all. What clues do you have that your ex feels guilty?

 

I feel guilty when he calls and I ignore him, it just feels bad that someone is reaching out to me and I ignore them, but of course, he really isn't reaching out to me, he's trying to twist my version of reality into something that feeds his needs, not mine, so I hang onto that thought while I'm feeling bad....

[Heartford]

lol...ok.on my way out as well, but look forward to your responses. be back in about an hour...

 

this stuff is kinda funny at times. better to laugh than to cry right!

 

Yes! thank the lord I have a great sense of humor, and see much of this as, really, overall, kind of funny. In the big picture kind of way. I still have very incredible negative feelings toward him for what he's put me thru, and how he's making this all pan out, but I also see how ridiculous it all is, and how life is much greater than this. You know?

[muse08]

Frankly, I don't know what crazy is at the moment. Is it crazy for him to park in my driveway and spend the night without me knowing? He did it twice, once I knew about and once I didnt. ( I guess that means at least twice)

 

OMG...i have only read that much and my mouth dropped...ok,i'm 'bout to read the rest

 

OMG...!

[muse08]

 

I don't know if my ex feels guilty. I honestly can't tell. He doesn't seem to, at all. What clues do you have that your ex feels guilty?

 

well...honestly i meant that my ex was trying to make me feel guilty. i don't think he feels guilt...similar to what yu said i think he just wants to twists and manipulate this situation. yes,i have felt guilty not answering his calls and texts.and when i have finally answered him he ignores me for several days and so i know it's a sick cycle.

 

wow, your X is crazy (at least a little bit)...lol .i hope i'm not offending you. it's a bit charming for a minute ,i know.just be careful that he doesn't get that crazy stare...there IS a such thing...one of my really older Xs waited on my patio in like 34degree weather one night until i got home. then he waited outside my apt door and it freaked me out.i let him in then he had this wide eyed "crazy stare", saying baby please i love you please, and proceeded to unzip his pants like he wanted to have sex with me so i screamed to the TOP of my lungs and said "get the hell out!".he was freakn me out.he left.then the kicker was that a few days after that, i'm with one of my girlfriends in her NEW car that he'd never seen before, but he knew where she lived.so we're about 10 mins away from her house headed to get our eyebrows done i believe.and here comes my X in a car beside us on a semi-busy 3 lane road.he's beeping his horn and looking all mad.he ran a red light to keep up with us. i'm telling you that was my last straw.we finally lost him and the guy who was in the car with him must have talked some sense into his head b/c he finally left us alone. but i got a protective order against him after that day.

[muse08]

Yes! thank the lord I have a great sense of humor, and see much of this as, really, overall, kind of funny. In the big picture kind of way. I still have very incredible negative feelings toward him for what he's put me thru, and how he's making this all pan out, but I also see how ridiculous it all is, and how life is much greater than this. You know?

 

yes, yes, yes...life is soooo much greater than this situation you're going through. i understand how you feel.trust me, but you will get through this.and once you've overcome this you're going to be so much wiser and stronger...only if you reflect and take note of the things that attracted you to him. do lots of reflecting.some things in life we can never forsee but i'm learning to reflect on the things that attract me to the guys that end up being crazy or just jerks, or both:laugh:.

 

the fact that you find some humor in this let's me know you're going to be alright! sometimes, do you think some men lie and/or cheat b/c they know in the back of their mind that they really don't deserve someone like you/us? it's in no way justifying them but i wonder. i know part of the reason is b/c some of them are just selfish dogs!