Relationship slump

[DelicateMelodies]

I am sure this has been asked before, but...

 

Relationship Problem:

My long distance relationship of almost year, our conversations have come to the point where they all seem quite dull and stale. Only trading the habitial expressions of affections and some tidbits of our day. I've tried to ask all those different types of questions for couples which is recommended to bring couples closer.. But the conversation didn't feel natural at all. More like I was interviewing him.

 

What I Want:

I don't want talking to him to feel like a dried up ritual. I want it to be full of rich, interesting, hysterical, and fascinating topics, news, jokes, shared ideals/thoughts, memories, secrets, etc.

But it isn't and most time there a long pause where I am left the one trying to desperately think of something we can talk about and wondering why its so hard

 

1) What does this mean for us? Are we not compatible?

 

2) Are there solutions or tips to solve this problem?

 

 

Relationship Status:

I am 19 and he is 21. He is very busy in college. Is working 12 hours daily. No longer has a web-cam or camera from two separate unrelated incidents (and unable to replace them being on a college student budget). (and he has never owned a microphone or speakers set) We have not met in person, nor would meeting in person be something do-able for a most likely 5 years. I have very flexible, available time from being in an online GED course living with my parent. I have a webcam and camera. For the past last month he has been coming online- on Instant Message in scarcity. 1 hour max, usually also devoting the time to working on something else (since he accepted a new job) However my problem has existed since a few months before that.

 

Which does bring me to a related relationship problem:

That even though I have spoken with him about it he doesn't devote his whole attention to me while on IM. But since lately he has been on so rarely, I withdraw from complaining about it because I fear he will just avoid coming on even more in hopes of waiting until he doesn't have as much on his plate. And having him on at all, is good enough.

Anyway, but for quite some time even before the new job. He completely relies on me for the making conversation topics, keeping the conversation going, etc. Which not being an extrovert, I don't really care for having to always be the entertainer or leader of a social interaction. It was not always like this, more in the beginning and at the beginning he would ask questions and bring up topics to me.

 

 

So my main problem is the general "relationship slump" we are in, and my secondary problem that I would assume feeds the main issue- Having my partner in all this completely dependent on me and not exactly pulling his own weight in conversation effort/issue.

[lark]

I can totally relate. I've been in an LDR for 18 months ... and the conversations are not satsifying me, anymore. We see each other every 5-6 weeks, and to me, it's important to have good phone time. This is the reality of our relationship -- being on the phone. Yet he seems not to get that even if you hate the phone, this is how we can spend time together. Our conversations are short and to the point, even though we express affection, etc. ... I can't relate to not wanting to "hang out" together over the phone ... just chat and share thoughts, etc.

 

But, to answer your question ... I don't think it means you aren't compatible. I think it is the pure and simple truth that interaction via written word and over the phone is simply not enough. You can't have real intimacy and continued renewal of spark and all that if you're not together on a regular basis. I hate to come to that conclusion, but I have. If your LDR is a temporary thing, it's worth talking about how to get through the time you DO have to be separated, without drifting apart. If this is going to be a continuing situation ... I think it just shows that people need face to face time, common experiences and memories, and so on, to build on. The phone feels stale because it is just that ... a kind of lifeless exchange. I know, you probably used to talk for hours. So did we. And I have no doubt that if my bf and I lived nearby, we'd have good exchanges, still. I've been in many long-term relationships, and I do know that things reach a plateau, to some extent, but this is bad. I've looked at the questions you've talked about, too ... but purposely asking them kills the instinct, for me. I don't know why these things don't flow naturally from both of us, anymore. I have come to the conclusion that the distance can just kill things, when I think of how good we are in person, and how much more talkative and open.

 

Now ... you did say there were issues of stress and so on. So give it time. Relationships *do* have slumps. I hope it works out how you'd like it to ...

[DelicateMelodies]

Thank you for your response , its nice to have someone that can relate. And some more personal insight on the affects of LDR vs. inperson long term relationship.

 

My boyfriend lives in Iran, the reason for the 5 years before seeing him is the 3 years of college and 2 years of required military service- before being granted a passport by the Iranian gov. However, my mother's (Iranian immigrant) friend was having a meeting with his lawyer about my boyfriend. This lawyer's connections in Iran has brought many Iranian students to the US for college. We could start attending college together as early as next year:love:. This new news has made me feel much less discouraged in the relationship

[kimflute26]

Honestly I don't know why you're focusing all your attention on this guy. I mean...You've never met in person and you can't even see him for 5 more years? You'll never know if you are really compatible, plus the conversations are getting stale? There are cheap webcams out there, I think he could find one for maybe 15 bucks... If he really wanted to do webcam with you he'd buy one, trust me. It sounds like he keeps you around because he's bored or something. I'd move on.

[DelicateMelodies]

Well boredom is not his motives for being with me I can assure you of that. When I told him I was only willing to marry a Christian someday, he told me he me he wanted to become a Christian. Which in his country is a crime that if anyone found out about it he would be executed in a brutal fashion. Leaving his country and then living openly a Christian life would mean he could never return to/visit his country- never see his family he loves again. Internet communication is monitored by the Iranian government in his country, every time we talk about it- every time I send him something Christian he risks death. And he does every time so that someday he might be able to marry me. Before yesterday and finding out of away for him to do a study abroad program next year, he was speaking also more recently of (attempting to) skip his two years required military service just so he could be with me sooner. Just talking about this, again, is risking his life or imprisonment. And attempting to sneak out of his country without doing that required service, is risking for him to go to a prison for the rest of his life where he will be brutally tortured or loosing his life.

Because I didn't care for his best friend/roommate and thought he was bad news for my boyfriend to be around, my boyfriend (without me asking him to) moved out and distanced himself from that friend just for my happiness.

And there are many more examples...

To recap he is willing to give up his religion, country, family and friends forever and has already been risking his very own life and has let go of his best friend just to be with me and make me happy.

Edited November 2, 2009 by DelicateMelodies

[Rollercoasterr]

Sweetheart, I don't want to burst your bubble, but...

 

If there's one thing that this visa process has taught me, it's that there are people from all different countries and all walks of life that fall in love and move to the U.S. every day. You would not believe how many Iranians there are going for a K-1 visa. Iranians who post OPENLY about their situation and daily life on a visa message board I belong to. I don't think it's quite as dramatic as you are being led to believe it is. Sure, it might not be a peachy life for him, but that would be because of his family values. If it were as dangerous as you are being told, then there's no way that the consulates would allow american fiance(e)s to attend the immigration interview with their loved one for fear of death. But yet, they go. No one dies. Life goes on.

 

Remove the wool from your eyes before you get hurt too badly.

[Miad's Princess]

Hi

 

Firstly my partner also lives in iran and we have been together for 2 years, he also has to do his military service before moving to the uk, which will be completed just less than 2 years.

 

After 1 year of an online relationship, I went to visit him and again after 9 months (came back in july) and plan to go back next year.

 

So I am wondering can you go and visit him, why do you need to wait 5 years till you see each other, I understand his circumstances....but is it possible you can make some holiday arrangements?

[Miad's Princess]

P.s OP I tried to PM you but it won't let me, not sure if your accepting PM's or if you need to change your settings?

[TMichaels]

P.s OP I tried to PM you but it won't let me' date=' not sure if your accepting PM's or if you need to change your settings?[/quote']

 

Miad's Princess,

 

She doesn't have enough posts yet to have PM privileges.

 

 

Best,

TMichaels

[Miad's Princess]

Miad's Princess,

 

She doesn't have enough posts yet to have PM privileges.

 

 

Best,

TMichaels

 

Thanks TMichaels

[bean1]

To recap he is willing to give up his religion, country, family and friends forever and has already been risking his very own life and has let go of his best friend just to be with me and make me happy.

 

So, in other words, he is willing to give up all those things (including "risking his life") for someone he has never met and has only conversed via IM (and briefly webcam) for less than one year?

 

First, I don't think you are seeing the truth about this. If it doesn't make sense, it isn't true. I'm not sure if you have ever been to the Middle East - I have - and it is very, very unlikely that an Iranian muslim male would turn on his world like that. It's mind boggling, and frankly, not realistic.

 

And if he really did mean all those things - he doesn't seem to think very rationally. There is a difference between romance and just living in a fantasy world.

 

Sorry. I have nothing against LDRs, but there is a great deal of things that don't make sense in your post.

[Rollercoasterr]

So, in other words, he is willing to give up all those things (including "risking his life") for someone he has never met and has only conversed via IM (and briefly webcam) for less than one year?

 

First, I don't think you are seeing the truth about this. If it doesn't make sense, it isn't true. I'm not sure if you have ever been to the Middle East - I have - and it is very, very unlikely that an Iranian muslim male would turn on his world like that. It's mind boggling, and frankly, not realistic.

 

And if he really did mean all those things - he doesn't seem to think very rationally. There is a difference between romance and just living in a fantasy world.

 

Sorry. I have nothing against LDRs, but there is a great deal of things that don't make sense in your post.

 

Agreeing 100% with this.

 

He's not being completely honest with her in one of two things.

 

A.) His intentions or

B.) His life there

 

You can bet that one of the two isn't what it seems.

[DelicateMelodies]

I don't think it's quite as dramatic as you are being led to believe it is. Sure, it might not be a peachy life for him, but that would be because of his family values. If it were as dangerous as you are being told, then there's no way that the consulates would allow american fiance(e)s to attend the immigration interview with their loved one for fear of death. But yet, they go. No one dies. Life goes on.

 

Remove the wool from your eyes before you get hurt too badly.

 

"Lead to believe" as in staying informed with researching the country and constant news updates from many sources?

"As dangerous as you are being told" Only, if we could tell the 100+ people at Elvin the good news!

As for the rest of your sentence, http://travel.state.gov/travel/cis_pa_tw/tw/tw_920.html Here is the National Travel Warning issued by the U.S Department of State strongly advising against or to at least warning Americans to "carefully consider the risk" of traveling to Iran.

"Remove the wool from your eyes before you get hurt too badly" Thank you for your gracious concern. I'll try to pick up the shattered pieces and move on with my life..

 

I hope I haven't offended you too badly with my snark- but I just simply couldn't resist. I know your heart was in the right place

[DelicateMelodies]

Hi

 

Firstly my partner also lives in iran and we have been together for 2 years, he also has to do his military service before moving to the uk, which will be completed just less than 2 years.

 

After 1 year of an online relationship, I went to visit him and again after 9 months (came back in july) and plan to go back next year.

 

So I am wondering can you go and visit him, why do you need to wait 5 years till you see each other, I understand his circumstances....but is it possible you can make some holiday arrangements?

We had considered it in previous occasions. How, when, with who's accompaniment. But eventually deciding it was not practical.

[DelicateMelodies]

So, in other words, he is willing to give up all those things (including "risking his life") for someone he has never met and has only conversed via IM (and briefly webcam) for less than one year?

 

First, I don't think you are seeing the truth about this. If it doesn't make sense, it isn't true. I'm not sure if you have ever been to the Middle East - I have - and it is very, very unlikely that an Iranian muslim male would turn on his world like that. It's mind boggling, and frankly, not realistic.

 

And if he really did mean all those things - he doesn't seem to think very rationally. There is a difference between romance and just living in a fantasy world.

 

Sorry. I have nothing against LDRs, but there is a great deal of things that don't make sense in your post.

For one, he was never a strict Muslim.

I also do indeed have a background that has left me very informed about Middle Eastern people- particularly Iranians.

From your wording, "Iranian muslim male," I am guessing your past experiences with the Middle East were undesirable and perhaps might of given you the generalized, simplistic idea that ALL men in the middle east are exactly the same?

" he doesn't seem to think very rationally. There is a difference between romance and just living in a fantasy world." This is more substantial and a real possible issue for me to consider.

[Rollercoasterr]

"Lead to believe" as in staying informed with researching the country and constant news updates from many sources?

"As dangerous as you are being told" Only, if we could tell the 100+ people at Elvin the good news!

As for the rest of your sentence, http://travel.state.gov/travel/cis_pa_tw/tw/tw_920.html Here is the National Travel Warning issued by the U.S Department of State strongly advising against or to at least warning Americans to "carefully consider the risk" of traveling to Iran.

"Remove the wool from your eyes before you get hurt too badly" Thank you for your gracious concern. I'll try to pick up the shattered pieces and move on with my life..

 

I hope I haven't offended you too badly with my snark- but I just simply couldn't resist. I know your heart was in the right place

 

 

Snarky you may be but this is exactly why I refuse to answer a lot of new members posts until I've seen how they react. When you don't hear what you want you throw a fit. You might have done research, but the story he's told you is fantastical. But maybe you like that kind of thing, I don't know.

 

If you KNOW that this will end badly for him, then why stay with him? If you HONESTLY loved him then would you not want him to be safe forever? I know that if it were me or life for Mathew I would gladly let him go. I love him enough to want him to live, even if it's without me. And by "life" I don't mean actual living, this could be interpreted as having a life that was recognized by his family as well. If he stays with you then surely, from what you've researched and he's told you he will either die or be disowned.

 

Disowning, I could understand. That happens and is common with those countries when their children don't do what they want. But death? Nah.

 

Now please, continue your snarkiness. I know your heart is clouded by illusions.

 

Also, in case you haven't noticed, but we've been at war in the middle east for quite some time. OF COURSE there's going to be travel advisories. Duh! It's not exactly like going to Jamaica or anything.

 

Now forgive me if I seem snarky, but I figured that if you can be then I can be too.

Edited November 4, 2009 by Rollercoasterr

[DelicateMelodies]

Snarky you may be but this is exactly why I refuse to answer a lot of new members posts until I've seen how they react. When you don't hear what you want you throw a fit. You might have done research, but the story he's told you is fantastical. But maybe you like that kind of thing, I don't know.

 

If you KNOW that this will end badly for him, then why stay with him? If you HONESTLY loved him then would you not want him to be safe forever? I know that if it were me or life for Mathew I would gladly let him go. I love him enough to want him to live, even if it's without me. And by "life" I don't mean actual living, this could be interpreted as having a life that was recognized by his family as well. If he stays with you then surely, from what you've researched and he's told you he will either die or be disowned.

 

Disowning, I could understand. That happens and is common with those countries when their children don't do what they want. But death? Nah.

 

Now please, continue your snarkiness. I know your heart is clouded by illusions.

 

Also, in case you haven't noticed, but we've been at war in the middle east for quite some time. OF COURSE there's going to be travel advisories. Duh! It's not exactly like going to Jamaica or anything.

 

Now forgive me if I seem snarky, but I figured that if you can be then I can be too.

My, my. Don't we have a temper now?

"Throw a fit"? No, you have misread me- dear. But yes, I was of course challenging you. There is a very cynical, unchecked air in this message board. I took note of before I joined. I noticed a lot of jumping to conclusions and vilifying- with little information given about the relationship, issues, and other person involved gathered. Which is why I attempted to give as much information as I thought necessary for an analysis for the exact problem I STATED.

Which you seem to believe, I have been mostly dependent on him for my "fantastical" information about the country. But alas, I am not going to waste a debate about the conditions, laws, statics, and reports about Iran with you. That is not why I came here, its not my objective.

"If you KNOW that this will end badly for him, then why stay with him? If you HONESTLY loved him then would you not want him to be safe forever? I know that if it were me or life for Mathew I would gladly let him go. I love him enough to want him to live, even if it's without me. And by "life" I don't mean actual living, this could be interpreted as having a life that was recognized by his family as well. If he stays with you then surely, from what you've researched and he's told you he will either die or be disowned."

You raise a good question. But are you really asking me to help me with my original problem?

"I know your heart is clouded by illusions." Only if we could all have that type of certainty and confidence about other people as you!

"Now forgive me if I seem snarky, but I figured that if you can be then I can be too." This last sentence does definitely have a breath of snark. But as for the rest of your reply- I wouldn't use that wording.

[Rollercoasterr]

My, my. Don't we have a temper now?

"Throw a fit"? No, you have misread me- dear. But yes, I was of course challenging you. There is a very cynical, unchecked air in this message board. I took note of before I joined. I noticed a lot of jumping to conclusions and vilifying- with little information given about the relationship, issues, and other person involved gathered. Which is why I attempted to give as much information as I thought necessary for an analysis for the exact problem I STATED.

Which you seem to believe, I have been mostly dependent on him for my "fantastical" information about the country. But alas, I am not going to waste a debate about the conditions, laws, statics, and reports about Iran with you. That is not why I came here, its not my objective.

"If you KNOW that this will end badly for him, then why stay with him? If you HONESTLY loved him then would you not want him to be safe forever? I know that if it were me or life for Mathew I would gladly let him go. I love him enough to want him to live, even if it's without me. And by "life" I don't mean actual living, this could be interpreted as having a life that was recognized by his family as well. If he stays with you then surely, from what you've researched and he's told you he will either die or be disowned."

You raise a good question. But are you really asking me to help me with my original problem?

"I know your heart is clouded by illusions." Only if we could all have that type of certainty and confidence about other people as you!

"Now forgive me if I seem snarky, but I figured that if you can be then I can be too." This last sentence does definitely have a breath of snark. But as for the rest of your reply- I wouldn't use that wording.

 

 

Yes, I was really asking you to HELP with your problem. I'm not as cynical as you would like to believe me to be. Go figure.

 

And yes, I have a temper.