How do I find a "friend with benefits"?

[YerBuddy]

I won't go into tedious detail, here. Suffice it to say that I'm in a love-less marriage that I can't end in the immediate future. There's been no sex for nearly four years and, as a normal, vital, attractive man, I can't go on like this indefinitely. I know there must be others (of the opposite sex) that are in a similar situation; otherwise, there would be no need for "friends with benefits".

 

I just don't know how to go about finding one! I work from home, so I don't go to an "office" where I would come into contact with potential friends. I wouldn't pursue this option, anyway. It's too risky.

 

Can't go to bars - that's too cliche and I don't think I'd find anyone interesting in a setting like that.

 

Anyone have any suggestions?

[Reckless]

Let me get this right - you're asking how you, a married man, can find a woman that will let you use her for sex? Without any hope of commitment in the forseeable future? Hmm, let me see... yellow pages? under 'rent-a-slut' maybe? You can pay women to offer you the benefits and they'll pretend to be your friend for a couple of hours if that helps...

 

I'm sorry for your situation and I don't mean to be hard, but sex is never uncomplicated and few women with any self respect would want to actually be your friend if all you had to offer are the 'benefits' ...

[YerBuddy]

Glad you asked! No, you didn't get it right. I get the feeling that your response is clouded by a mixed bag of assumptions, preconceived notions and, perhaps, personal experiences, all of which are irrelevant to my personal situation.

 

It appears that you are trivializing the "friends" part of the equation. I'm not looking for someone I can just f**k. I'm looking for someone I can connect with. By that I mean share experiences, have good conversation, hang out with - but that knows it won't culminate in marriage (at least not in the near future).

 

I realize you must be asking yourself, "But how can he do that, if he's married? His wife will find out, eventually!" See? There's are two assumptions! Assumption #1: He would care, Assumption #2: His wife would care.

 

This is precisely why I didn't go into detail, but kept the focus on the problem - the need for a close female companion. I could elaborate as to why I'm still in this bad relationship, what led up to it, what the future will bring - lots of details that might serve to justify my inquiry but:

A. It's not relevant to the problem at hand

B. It's something I don't care to share, at this point.

C. I could be making up all sorts of B.S. and how would you know?

D. It's no one elses business (except, perhaps, my "friend with benefits")

 

So if anyone out there has some relevant, constructive, unbiased, unassuming feedback - well, I'd LOVE to hear that kind response!

[yes]

clubs/bars!

 

i know of many men who are always after some "benefits", many of them state clearly that it's only sex and possibly friendship, right off the bat. many women, some married, some not, go for it. just don't expect such an arrangement to last too long - the woman may begin to get attached, or simply want a new FWB. so do expect that you'll have to look time-n-time again, but yes, there're plenty of women out there looking for a nice guy to fool around with.

 

just please be honest about your intention right off the bat!

 

-yes

 

PS also, why not post an ad in the personals of a local newspaper?

[Jamie31]

Well, I am not going to give you any advice about where to meet women because first of all, I think you need to end your marriage. If you both are as unhappy as you say, then it shouldn't be a problem? What? You are not for the kids' sake? Trust me, kids can tell when thier parents are unhappy and you'd probably be better off not living in the same house as your wife.

 

I think before you go on this "Friends with Benefits" adventure, you take care of business and end your marriage first. Then you can date someone, have sex with them or whatever it is your wanting to do and it's perfectly ok. And you can just make sure that lady knows that you aren't looking for anything serious. I am sure there are a lot of divorced women out there that are looking for the same thing you are.

 

But I strongly urge you to end your marriage first.

 

P.S. - I wasn't going to mention this, but what the hell - if you have an affair, and your wife finds out....if she ever divorces you...all she has to do is prove to the judge that you were having an affair and she can put your ass through the ringer...she can take everything of yours. And your kids? I am talking supervised visitation. You think I am lying? I have a friend that just did that to her husband because he had an affair.

So that's another reason you may want to think twice.

[HokeyReligions]

Originally posted by YerBuddy

Glad you asked! No, you didn't get it right. I get the feeling that your response is clouded by a mixed bag of assumptions, preconceived notions and, perhaps, personal experiences, all of which are irrelevant to my personal situation.

I don't think the response was clouded by anything but your post and its title.

 

It appears that you are trivializing the "friends" part of the equation. I'm not looking for someone I can just f**k. I'm looking for someone I can connect with. By that I mean share experiences, have good conversation, hang out with - but that knows it won't culminate in marriage (at least not in the near future).

If you just want someone to hang out with, have conversations with, share experiences with - why does it have to be a woman? Find some male friends - you might even find yourself a support system to help you get through whatever is going on in your marriage.

 

I realize you must be asking yourself, "But how can he do that, if he's married? His wife will find out, eventually!" See? There's are two assumptions! Assumption #1: He would care, Assumption #2: His wife would care.

If neither of you care - get a divorce. If you don't want to divorce then at least move out so you can both start individual lives until you are ready for a divorce. If money is an issue - find a way.

 

This is precisely why I didn't go into detail, but kept the focus on the problem - the need for a close female companion. I could elaborate as to why I'm still in this bad relationship, what led up to it, what the future will bring - lots of details that might serve to justify my inquiry but:

A. It's not relevant to the problem at hand

B. It's something I don't care to share, at this point.

C. I could be making up all sorts of B.S. and how would you know?

D. It's no one elses business (except, perhaps, my "friend with benefits")

You didn't focus on a problem - you focused on what you think you want. The problem is private, I understand that and I'm not asking you to divulge any information. The problem is something you need to work out and to solve to your satisfaction. Finding a female companion - well, isn't that like dating? Finding someone of the opposit sex that you can talk with, share things with, and at some point become intimate with? You've dated before - dating hasn't changed. But your dating experiences will be much healthier if you are single.

 

So if anyone out there has some relevant, constructive, unbiased, unassuming feedback - well, I'd LOVE to hear that kind response!

 

Think about the qualifications you are requiring for feedback and think about where you are posting. Read some of the threads - especially under the Other Man/Other Woman section. It doesn't matter one bit if you or your wife won't care - the fact remains that you are legally married and not ready to divorce.

[jenny]

hmm - have you tried online dating and chatting?

 

- - many of the chat programs include ways to search for area and interests

- - listserve interest groups. i've seen people hook up via messages over a shared love of, ironically, stoicism

- - any of those MSN find a date thingys - they evidently even have an option to let others know you are married and looking for discretion and/or simple friendship

- - night classes for fun.

 

i sense you want the possibility of romance more than romance at this point - your real focus is emotional/mental intimacy. if so, these are good places to start.

 

out of curiosity, why include the detail of having a significant other if you didn't want to be questioned on it? i agree with you completely - it's none of anyone's business except yours and your spouse's - but including that information in an explicitly normative morality forum begs the question of "infidelity" immediately.

 

lol, you need not answer that question either. your decision to include it is also none of my business

[YerBuddy]

The reason I added the "significant other" detail was because it was a significant element and I wanted to be truthful and forthright, from the start. Had I left that detail out, someone might have responded positively to my post and I would be left with the uncomfortable obligation of explaining both my marital status and why I didn't mention it in the original post.

 

As to why I don't just end the relationship, I would be entirely happy to do so. My wife, for reasons that I don't entirely understand, but which are partially religious, refuses to do so and has made it clear that she will make every effort to reek havoc on both my professional and personal life, if I make any unilateral attempt to do so. I I had, quite frankly, hoped to leave the details out of this discussion, but I can understand why most readers would raise the question.

[Arabess]

I promise not to make a judgement call....as long as you promise you won't lie or ever represent your intentions with false promises or words of love.

 

If you just want someone to be a Boink Buddy......try the internet. Find someone in an ADJOINING town...not the same town.

 

ALWAYS ALWAYS consider the cost if you get caught. Is the reason for you not having sex for 4 years with your wife due to her having a health problem or what??? If it was anything less than THAT reason....I'd be divorced already!

[Reckless]

You posted a question on the internet, you gave a certain amount of information and requested input. All responses you receive are to a point going to be based on certain "assumptions, preconceived notions and, perhaps, personal experiences", people are not writing in a vacuum and this is not a scientific study.

 

Given this, you really should have been prepared for certain 'assumptions':

 

As has been pointed out, most normal people can find a 'buddy' so, as has happened, those that respond will generally focus on the sexual companionship you seem to be looking for and the possible problems that may entail.

 

Assumption #1: He would care, Assumption #2: His wife would care.

 

You mentioned in your original post that you were married. The word marriage does indeed cause many to assume that in some way each partner has some degree of interest in each other. Generally, the majority of people, even those in dead and dying marriages, do give a damn what their partner does or and it is a reasonable 'preconceived notion' that that would be the case.

 

This is precisely why I didn't go into detail, but kept the focus on the problem

 

You did not focus on the problem - your problem are 1) you feel chained to a dead marriage and 2) are in need of sexual and emotional companionship. You 'focus' was on what you had decided was the solution to these problems and how to find it. You are more than within your right to do that but as I said, given the nature of the beast, should have been prepared for those that did focus on what they perceived as your real problem and the 'complications' that your chosen route could entail.

 

No one forces another to divulge details that are private, least of all on a public forum, but any response will be "relevant" to the information you have given, not that which you have withheld.

 

You asked for answers to be "unbiased"; to be 'bias' means to be prejudice or partial; I expressed prejudice against nothing but the idea adultery is a 'solution' to your problem - you will no doubt find some that think it's a wonderful idea that's the beauty of the net, but that is an equally 'bias' opinion, just one that leans or slants in the opposite direction.

 

Again the beauty of the medium is you pick what you feel is 'constructive' and leave the rest. Often what is picked is what reflects ones personal views anyway, that's fine; if you don't like opposing views, then you can have a full refund of the money paid to get the advice in the first place.

[evelynlj]

There is always a choice. The only thing that we don't have choices about is being born and dying. We don't even have to pay taxes. Get out of your marriage. Otherwise, you just add to the cliche that all men are pigs.

[CRISS]

I can understand completely where you are coming from. I am currently suffering from some issues in my marriage and have been "thinking" about the whole friends with benefits thing. After reading your post all I can say is to be COMPLETELY honest with whomever you may "take" up with. Make sure you both UNDERSTAND what it is that is happening and what each of you are looking to gain. If you want nothing more than someone to sleep with and do the occassional dinner thing with then make sure they understand that.

 

See recently, after much debate and coming here and reading many posts, I chose to go forward with the "benefit" that my friendswithbenefits allowed me. We had dated before I met my husband so that may be part of "my" problem. The problem being that even though we said no feelings, no on gets hurt. It hurts. It hurts when he doesn't return my phone call, it hurts when he doesn't want me when I want him and it hurts every night that I go home to my husband but want to be with him. I am not blaming him I am the one who has agreed to our "terms" and promised that no feelings would develop I am now realizing that that is not possible. So I am warning you, feeling will develop.

 

Good luck

[Caddy]

It sounds like you are just a scumbag waiting to happen. If you're in a loveless marriage as you call it for the last four years, then get out! You are just using your wife for an excuse to cheat. Leave her and the marriage and THEN find someone else.

 

You obviously don't know what it's like to have someone that you love cheat on you and then act like it's not a big deal. How would you feel if she did that to you? If you don't love her then leave. And if she doesn't love you and won't leave you for "religious" purposes, then leave her. Because what you are proposing is just morally wrong and plain wrong!

 

If you do cheat while you are still married, I hope you do get caught and she does drag you through the ringers!

 

Sorry everyone, but this post mad me so mad I could just slap my computer!

 

I'm SO disgusted that you think this is ok asking everyone else to help you cheat on your wife.