decisions, decisions.....

[lillymountain]

Hi

 

as some of you know,i'm am in a LDR and now have to make some decisions....

we've been together for 7 months now, love each other and managed to see each other heaps so far.

about 6 weeks ago we got both very busy - he is working full time, i'm working fulltime and studying on the weekends.

our original plan was, that i would study and work and he would take a week of every couple of weeks and come over and when his contract is over move to my place.

now it turned out, that if he does so he will loose a lot of money every time he takes time off (and the contract is only for 9 months) and that moving to my place next year might be a stupid thing to do, cause he might loose his change to get an european passport which would take another year.

i have a bit less 2 years to go and then i have - hopefully - my masters degree.

Cause it turned out that it is difficult for him to come over regularly and i have to change my schedule anyways to part time work

- it is definilty effecting me, i cannot be busy 7 days a week and maintain a LDR, it feels horrible, im scared i might get a burnout and i mean that seriously, i already cant sleep and stuff and freak out about tiny things-

so im looking for a more flexible work.

 

yesterday i found out, that it might be possible to take a break from my coursework without loosing the right to finish the course later - it was quite hard to get in (but i dont know yet, if i have to finish the first or second

semester to do so)

it is more or less just an idea, but it might be a good thing to do - take a break of a year, move to his place in a few months, try to get job there (hopefully not to difficult), then come home and finish my studies and it would be just a few months to go till he gets his passport.

so it would delay the end of my studies quite a bit and likewise our possibilty to go abroad together, cause the he would have to wait for me.

but we would actually be together.

and i dont know if i could find a job that allows to take so much time of to see him every three weeks.

 

i told him about this "maybe"possibility yesterday and he seemed to be quite overstrained.

he said it would delay everything and he didnt want me to make this huge sacrifice, cause i tried so hard to get into this university and if it wasnt easier if i got a more flexible job and came over every two or three weeks.

and yes that would be better for my career and yes, which is important to me, but so is he and it would bridge at least a part of this visa/passport time gap.

 

its not that im convinced it would be the best solution - but im a bit disappointed by his reaction.

 

i would appreciate every kind of advice or opinion

 

thanks for reading, guys

[AnnPod]

lillymountian,

 

I think your boyfriend is right. This is a huge sacrifice what you are thinking to do. It would not be a permanent solution, but rather an interruption of your situation.

 

I think you should rather try to get along better with your LDR and also work situation. Because if I am understanding you right, you are not well at the moment, and this is 1. because you can not see each other as often as you have planned and 2. because you are lacking a concrete perspective of how to end the LDR and move together permanently and 3. because you have to work very hard and have a lot of pressure from your job and your school.

 

What I think is that there comes a time when you both are ready to find a solution for your situation. But for now, you should accept it the way it is and try to find a way to deal with it. I know what it feels like to be extremely tensed from the double challenge of work and school, and there is a point where you just think to give everything away since you feel like you can't take everything just 1 more day. Sad as it is, you must accept that sometimes that's they way it is and nothing to change, and all you can do is to try to make the best of it.

[lillymountain]

thank you

i think you are right.

 

it is just not easy at the moment, yes it will be fine and i just have to be patient and focus on closer goals concerning my work and srudy- step by step and be more patient.

and it is definitely more my work/study situation which freaks me out - but thats abviously connected to the fact that this is limiting our time together.

 

and i think there is another possible reason why it is obviously more difficult for me, than for him.

im from continental europe and LDRs across the sea are very random here und my family and friends simply dont understand - a relationship means that you basically live together and if you have to travel for work, you have at least a homebase together. Familys tend to live very close at least reachable in a few hours by car.

his family lives scattered throughout the world.

 

 

i guess i will refrain from moving there, but focus on my stuff.

[AnnPod]

Oh I hear you! I am from Europe as well, and have a transatlantic LDR. Yes it's very hard for my people here to understand why we do this, especially because they see what it is like a lot of time: drama, drama, drama. I so often feel like I need to justify what I'm doing somehow. btw where are you from (just curious)?

 

Yes but as hard as it is, you have to focus on yourself. If you learn to come to terms on your side, this will for sure also relax your boyfriend. I only have the classic advices: excercise, work, find things you like and make you laugh, and try to share them with your boyfriend.

 

And: you are definitely not alone, and there are other people who have been successful with transatlantic LDR as well

[lillymountain]

update on our situation...

 

he said he wants me to come

he is afraid that we could drift apart

but he is still nervous about it - what if it doesnt work and then has to feel guilty.

we had three months of living together at the start of our relation and from then on it was a LDR and we see each other every 4-5 weeks for 3 or 4 days...

and if i dont move we have still at least one and a half year to go

it feels like we can not propperly build our realtion

every time we part it hurts so much and then we try to recover and concentrate on our own lifes which is good, but at the same time it is kind of dangerous, cause we dont share anymore.

i somtimes feel like not calling, cause it hurts and frustrates me and i feel, that it his super hard for me to concentrate on my stuff when im so open and then i back off a bit to protect myself.

 

this is not my first LDR, i had three years of a weekend-relation with my first boyfriend and it was no problem even if i missed him heaps - but we had a stable relation for over two years before we had a LDR.

 

but this feels different - i want to grow together and it feels like the distance is taking its toll and this is not out of lack of feelings but more for feeling to deeply and feeling almost unable to cope...............

 

i would not give up my home, i can always come back, it would be for approx. a year and im very certain i would find a job when i come back.

i would simply delay my studies for one year, but i have already a bachelors degree, it is a master course im doing and i would not loose the oppurtunity to go on.

 

i will think it over till christmas

if i move it would be in february

 

............

thats how i feel

[VeveCakes]

Where is your bf located? Won't you also need a visa to work where he is?

 

I don't see the point in delaying your studies. If you are meant to be together then you have your whole lives ahead of you. Get your degree over and done with and enjoy life after.

[lillymountain]

No, i wouldn't need a visa.

He is from overseas and now working in the UK and has a Visa for only there.

i'm from continental Europe, which means i am a EU citizen and can work and live everywhere i want to in Europe without any need for a visa.