Emailing Estranged Father: I've Entered a Whole New Realm of Pathetic

[always_searching]

I seriously can't believe I've stooped this low--I could kick myself.

 

First of all, I am usually much more articulate than this. Secondly, I cannot believe I YET AGAIN opened myself up to this man to either (1) be rejected (again) or (2) to just be hurt (again).

 

What is wrong with me? No wonder I've been having so many problems as of late...

 

Halloween was my and my father's favorite holiday, which is why I've been dwelling on him lately and decided to write to him this morning.

 

Ugh. This is so painfully pathetic, but I've shared so many other intimate details of my life on loveshack, why stop now?

 

Dear Dad,

 

I've really missed you lately, and just wanted to say "Happy Halloween!"

 

When I called you six years ago, you told me not to contact you, but that you would contact me when/if you were ready to talk. Well, I've waited, but I'm not willing to let you go. You're my father, and I'm you're daughter. You always taught me about responsibility. Well, I was you're responsibility. I made mistakes, and I'm very sorry for the trouble that I caused you, but I was a kid--twelve, thirteen, and fourteen is still a kid. I was your kid--your responsibility.

 

I'm not your responsibility now, nor have I been for a number of years. However, you're still my father, and not a day passes that I don't think about you. I'm not asking for you to come visit; I'm not asking for you to set aside a time to call me; I'm asking for a response, and if you're not willing to at least have an online relationship with me, I want to know why. I want to know why I was so easy for you to walk away from and not look back. I want to what made me so dispensable in your eyes. All I want to know is why you haven't bothered to contact me in ten years. I know that you didn't particularly want to be a father--believe me, I understand as I don't particularly want to be a mother. However, you are a father--you're my father.

 

I miss you and I love you and I want my father back. I'm not willing to give up on you. Life is short. Our time here is short. Please don't let either our lives end without us reconciling with each other.

 

Please consider responding.

 

Your loving daughter always,

Always_Searching

 

I'm not sure what I hope to get out of sharing this with you all...I just need to know that I'm not as pathetic as I feel. It's normal to want to reconcile with your estranged father, right? I mean, I'm not asking for too much--it's not an outrageous request?

Edited October 31, 2009 by always_searching

[TheLoneSock]

I think you have proven time and gain that you are the better person. You shouldn't feel ashamed of this one a.s. I cannot imagine how you feel since I have never been in your shoes, but I know it must be very hard to put yourself out there time and again like that to no avail, especially for an unresponsive family member. I think you should give yourself more credit for having the courage to keep trying. It may feel difficult now, but you will be glad to say that you atleast tried- and have nothing to regret.

[Ronni_W]

I just need to know that I'm not as pathetic as I feel.

You're NOT at all pathetic, always_searching!

Those questions for which you are seeking answers are legitimate, valid, important.

 

always_searching, the odds are that your dad didn't leave because of anything that is/was related to you. If, in his own head, he thought-believed that, it only indicates his own misguided beliefs (about himself, adults, children, the adult-child relationship, and life in general.)

 

And who knows why he has been unable or unwilling to reestablish a relationship with you? It could be out of shame and/or guilt of how he did things, it could be that he feels that you deserve a much "better" father than he is in his own self-image, it could be that he feels ashamed of whatever is his 'new' life and lifestyle.

That's still not about you; it doesn't mean that YOU are "dispensable", easy to leave, or unlovable in any way.

 

Just because you don't have his input, doesn't mean that you don't have the power and authority to define yourself...and your self-definition does NOT have to include anything about being dispensable, easy to leave, or unlovable in any way.

 

The thing about your questions is that they are borne out of the "reasons" that your mind made up at the time, to help you make sense out of what you were feeling and perceiving. Those are not necessarily your father's REAL reasons and, if they're not, then he would not, of course, be able to answer them.

 

 

I know that you are feeling short-changed. I know how important a father is to his daughter. My dad died when I was 13. I'm close enough to 50, and there are still some questions I'd love to have his help with.

 

I am so sorry for your experience.

Sending hugs, Comfort and Guidance.

Ronni

[always_searching]

Thank you both for your kind words of encouragement.

 

I still can't help but feel as though I've turned into the kind of woman he always told me he hated and warned me not to become--the begging, pleading, pathetic type.

 

Still, I do feel as though it's my right to know, and I really don't think I should stop trying. He is in his late sixties and has not lead the most healthy lifestyle--alcoholic and smoker by the time he was fourteen, I'm fairly certain. I just don't think I could live with myself if he died, and I knew I didn't try my hardest to reconcile with him.

 

Oh well. We'll see what happens.

[always_searching]

Hahahahaha.

 

He blocked me.

 

I found him on Facebook. I sent him the message. And he blocked me.

 

I could slit my wrists, as I feel lower than ****. I'm not going to--just saying I feel low enough to consider it. I mean, what am I worth if my own father could act this way toward me?

 

Well...at least I got my answer.

[boundaryproblem]

I find it interesting that he blocked you.

 

A non-response/indifference would have been sufficient if he didn't want to reciprocate. If he had no emotion for you he would ignore your communication.

 

I think the fact that he blocked you means that you contacting him makes him feel bad/guilty or vulnerable or something and he doesn't want to feel that - so he puts up the artificial blocking barrier.

[Ronni_W]

I'm sorry that he did that. I mean, I'm sorry for you. But I'm also sorry for him. As BP says, there's likely an emotional/mental/spiritual issue that would be preventing him from being able to appreciate you...or even just acknowledge you for reaching out to him. To me, it's sad when individuals are THAT closed off to love.

 

He cannot accept your love, and that says something about HIM...not about you. It does not say anything about YOUR worth. It may even say that his own self-worth is so low that he cannot accept genuine love from anybody; or that he cannot experience genuine love whether in the receiving...or the giving.

I mean, what am I worth if my own father could act this way toward me?

always_searching,

You are worth what YOU say you are worth! Worth...real, true, genuine worth...is self-defined, self-determined; it comes from the inside. It is within your own right, power and control to say for yourself what your Self is worth.

 

You're giving your power away to your father and you're feeling the effect of you doing that -- helpless, useless, powerless, unimportant. It's coming across that you decided that he is responsible for your worth (or your perceived lack thereof), and are now feeling hurt-disappointed-upset that he did not just "come through" and meet the obligation-responsibility that you unilaterally placed on him.

 

But. It does not sound as if he ever asked you to relinquish your personal power, or offered to take on the responsibility for your adult feelings of worth, so...while you may be feeling like his victim it's actually that you chose/are choosing your own persecutor; choosing to make yourself the victim of the persecutor of your choice.

 

Whether or not you have any "right" to know the details of why and how he left, and to find out his genuine feelings for you, does not change that he does NOT appear to want your personal power or to be responsible for your adult feelings of worth. You get to take those back...and still not lose any "right" to find the answers that you seek.

 

It is very challenging to wrap one's head around how our parents can treat us. Have you considered therapy that would focus on psychodynamic or family-of-origin issues?

 

Hugs.

[always_searching]

Ronni_W:

 

I will respond more tomorrow, as I have a terrible migraine tonight.

 

I understand what you are suggesting, and I agree to an extent. Rationally, I know that my self-worth is not dependent upon my father, or any other finite being for that matter. As a Christian, I believe that God endows every person with equal worth/value and that no finite being can alter that.

 

However, it is difficult for me to believe that any other finite being can care for me or love me if my own father found me so easily dispensable. So, yes, I can love myself, God (my infinite creator) can love me, but there seems to be no necessity in other finite creatures seeing and/or appreciating my worth. It just makes me weary of ever entering into a relationship, because one's first relationship is with his/her parents and if that relationship goes sour, it seems inevitable that every relationship will end the same or has the potential to end the same--the parental relationship seems foundational for all others.

 

I have considered therapy. I've gone off-and-on since I was four--when my parents divorced. Most of them were quacks--they wanted to push prescriptions. One of them wanted to try to get me in bed. There are very few people I trust enough to put my life into their hands. It's easy to express feelings to strangers via the internet. It's a little more difficult to open up to an individual person face-to-face and accept what they have to say.

 

I am just so busy right now, I'm not sure that I'd have the time to establish the necessary relationship with the person and then take the time to open up about certain situations and analyze my feelings.

 

Feelings...the worst aspect of being human...

[always_searching]

I find it interesting that he blocked you.

 

A non-response/indifference would have been sufficient if he didn't want to reciprocate. If he had no emotion for you he would ignore your communication.

 

I think the fact that he blocked you means that you contacting him makes him feel bad/guilty or vulnerable or something and he doesn't want to feel that - so he puts up the artificial blocking barrier.

 

Thanks, BP. You may be right. I hadn't considered that...

[Gunny376]

Speaking from the other side of the coin ~ so to speak ~ I'm estranged from my DD and DS.

 

When their mother and I divorced I tried to take on as much as I could to lighten the burden of divorce and to provide the best that I could at the time.

 

In short? I gave the XHEX everything from a 12 year marriage, took all the bills, (to include her car payment) gave her the state and federal tax deduction, etc.

 

At the time I didn't know how much I was crippling myself financially for years to come down the road.

 

I was the best thing that ever happened to her and DHX3. They were living it up for the entire time I was paying child support.

 

I paid out over a third of a million dollars during the course of the marriage and post divorce.

 

I don't even get a birthday card, XMAS card, Father's Day Card.

 

I've been told, "My Daddy" (meaning their step-father) has done more for me than you have? (Yea! On my dime!)

 

Its easy being a hero on another man's dime and whiskey.

 

I still send birthday cards, XMAS cards, anniversary cards, (SIDE BAR! Companies need to understand that men send cards too!) along with a check for such.

 

I got divorced when I was sixteen years in a career with the Marines. I got deployed more the last four years than I did all the other sixteen combined. ("Send Gunny376! He's not married! Then I got a reputation for doing such a good job ~ I got the "Where I go! You go!)

 

That had a lot to do with the enstrangement.

 

But a lot of it had to do with the XHEX re-writing the marital history, running me down as if I were the one that was having the affair, the toy-boy (make that girl for me ) on the side.

 

PM me, and perhaps you can help me with my problem and I can help you with yours.

 

Guns

[Gunny376]

Most children go through life feeling as though they don't or haven't meet up to their parents expectations.

 

Most parents go through life feeling as though they don't or haven't meet their children's expectations.

 

Both end up feeling they didn't give enough, do enough, etc.

 

Both end up with feelings of inadequacy in thier respective roles.

 

Girls want to be loved by their father.

 

Boys want to feel their father are proud of them!

 

With both of mine?

 

There's not been a day gone by since they were born that I didn't think of them, nor feel both for both of them!

[deux ex machina]

Ronni_W:

 

I will respond more tomorrow, as I have a terrible migraine tonight.

 

I understand what you are suggesting, and I agree to an extent. Rationally, I know that my self-worth is not dependent upon my father, or any other finite being for that matter. As a Christian, I believe that God endows every person with equal worth/value and that no finite being can alter that.

 

However, it is difficult for me to believe that any other finite being can care for me or love me if my own father found me so easily dispensable. So, yes, I can love myself, God (my infinite creator) can love me, but there seems to be no necessity in other finite creatures seeing and/or appreciating my worth. It just makes me weary of ever entering into a relationship, because one's first relationship is with his/her parents and if that relationship goes sour, it seems inevitable that every relationship will end the same or has the potential to end the same--the parental relationship seems foundational for all others.

 

I have considered therapy. I've gone off-and-on since I was four--when my parents divorced. Most of them were quacks--they wanted to push prescriptions. One of them wanted to try to get me in bed. There are very few people I trust enough to put my life into their hands. It's easy to express feelings to strangers via the internet. It's a little more difficult to open up to an individual person face-to-face and accept what they have to say.

 

I am just so busy right now, I'm not sure that I'd have the time to establish the necessary relationship with the person and then take the time to open up about certain situations and analyze my feelings.

 

Feelings...the worst aspect of being human...

 

Have you checked around to see if there's someone to talk to?

 

I know what you mean about therapy - I went to one that "fell in love" with me, too. Is this common? Yikes.

 

Obviously, I ended up leaving that therapist.

 

What I ended up doing was asking a gp for a recommendation for one that didn't push drugs (unless he really felt it necessary). It helped a lot. I can't go much longer (insurance issues - just found out).

 

If you find the right one, it really can be life changing, in a good way.