Past behavior ALWAYS indicative of future behavior?

[SoulSearch_CO]

And if you REALLY want to get into brass tacks, two times when we were separated, he got sexual massages. Happy? Jesus Christ.

[Stockalone]

Would their reasons and level of contrition make any difference in your judgment of them?

 

I wouldn't date a cheater. And why they cheated doesn't matter to me.

[lkjh]

The fact that you cheated would stop me from dating and the fact that you try to justify would also be a huge red flag

[BookerT]

I guess many will disagree but I'm a firm believer there are two types of cheaters.

 

There is the type that's the premeditated, consistent cheat like your ex-H. These types of cheaters can't help their behavior almost like it's an compulsion, do it time and time again, and find justification for their behavior.

 

Then there's the cheaters that do it the one time, almost always because they are hurting and in a bad relationship. They feel a lot of guilt after the cheating and don't want to do it again.

 

Your ex was the first type, you're the second type. The statment in the OP applies to him, not you. Any human being in a bad situation will do bad things.

 

I bet if I put all the people in this forum in a position where they would either starve to death or kill a man, MOST would kill a man after starving for some time. It's human nature to do extreme things in extreme situations.

 

Don't worry.

[Dexter Morgan]

I've had other relationships where I had zero interest in cheating at all. It's not in my character. So what if it was ONE - not ALL of the ones they ever had? This was a one and only event.

 

dunno...it would be hard to say until I am presented with that.

 

but what I do know is if I found out someone had cheated even once....as harmfulsweetz said, I'd be wary of them. My guard is up, but if I find out that someone has cheated, the guard would be up and my emotions would be in check for a long time if I were to consider them for long term.

 

but I definitely would be put off by the revelation.

[Dexter Morgan]

I sense the undercurrent of your judgment that mine was OH so much worse. What a load.

 

well, what the both of you did was bad.....but since you actually did the deed...it is just a tad worse. sorry.

[Dexter Morgan]

I wouldn't date a cheater. And why they cheated doesn't matter to me.

 

I agree...."why" is not important. What matters is that they "did".

[harmfulsweetz]

I agree. It does depend, when I told my current SO I cheated in the past (ok, it was only a two week R, and well, we saw each other once in that time, so not exactly serious) he was unsure of me. He said it didn't really prove I was trustworthy, but as I've said, once he realised how not serious the R was at the time, (I wasn't sure it was one until he had a go) but it will always make someone uncertain. Had my bf told me he had done the same thing, I'd have been unsure. It is sometimes a predictor, I'm not saying once a cheat, always a cheat, I believe people change, they grow. But if you are susceptible once, you can be susceptible twice. It's just more likely. Sort of like someone who is convicted of robbing an old lady, they get out, they may have no intention of repeating the crime, but that doesn't mean people shouldn't wary of them. They should, they are more prone to that. Extreme example I know, but our personalities, traits, emotions etc are governed by our actions. So if you found yourself in a bad situation and cheated to get out of said bad situation, then chances are, the next bad situation you get in will be the same thing. However, you may have stopped yourself in the error of your ways, and seriously changed.

[BookerT]

I agree...."why" is not important. What matters is that they "did".

 

Actually why is always important.

 

Why is even important in legal cases where a man kills another man.

 

It doesn't remove the responsibility, or the guilty stance, but it changes the judgement.

 

In all aspects of human judgement, why is considered.

[carhill]

So back to the original question - would you discard a possible relationship with somebody if they admitted to cheating in their past - regardless of their reasons or level of contrition?

 

At a younger age, knowing what I know now, likely yes. Living in the here and now, at 50, unfortunately that would limit my dating options severely, though I doubt most women I'd meet would have the same definition of 'cheating' as LS'ers seem to. The few women IRL to whom I've explained the concept of EA's and inappropriate emotional attachments to kinda look at me funny. So, in the here and now, I'd say no. I'd accept whatever they thought of my past behaviors. Women think what they will, irrespective of a man's truth. Having lived both sides of that fence, I can see clearly that it doesn't really matter, relationship-wise, but it does matter substantially wrt self-respect.

[BookerT]

At a younger age, knowing what I know now, likely yes. Living in the here and now, at 50, unfortunately that would limit my dating options severely, though I doubt most women I'd meet would have the same definition of 'cheating' as LS'ers seem to. The few women IRL to whom I've explained the concept of EA's and inappropriate emotional attachments to kinda look at me funny. So, in the here and now, I'd say no. I'd accept whatever they thought of my past behaviors. Women think what they will, irrespective of a man's truth. Having lived both sides of that fence, I can see clearly that it doesn't really matter, relationship-wise, but it does matter substantially wrt self-respect.

 

This is very true.

 

You would have to filter out about 50% of the population.

 

Personally I would just make sure I filter out any women that were consistent manipulative cheaters. If I was a total jerk to her and she cheated on me, that's my fault.

[harmfulsweetz]

It will always depend. You can't out and out say you wouldn't. I would. If I believed they had changed, because I wouldn't want my past tainting my future. I was young and stupid. Still am actually (lol.) but that's by the by. If I had fallen for, or really liked this guy, and he was honest enough to lay it all out for me, "Look, 'sweetz, I cheated in the past. I've changed blah blah." Well, I'd be on my guard a lot, maybe that wouldn't be the best start, but I wouldn't out and out turn my back on him. I actually have a big problem with guys who have been cheated on, my ex had been by his fiance, and he went into the R with me, in the mindset, that I was her. I suffered quite a lot in that R, the accusations (when I was actually sitting at home, alone, studying most nights) the rows, the constant picking, it broke us. In the end, it turns out he'd tried it on with all of my girl friends, and slept in the same bed as his ex (not the fiance). Strange huh? So I'm quite wary of a lot of people. Unless a guy can prove he's over it, or changed, then I'm outtie. (I just used outtie!)

[Dexter Morgan]

Actually why is always important.

 

Why is even important in legal cases where a man kills another man.

 

It doesn't remove the responsibility, or the guilty stance, but it changes the judgement.

 

In all aspects of human judgement, why is considered.

 

nope, I don't care "why", it is irrelevant to me if it happens. "why" does not change the fact that if someone cheats, she needs to pack her bags.

 

and we aren't talking about legal cases. although I think infidelity should have legal implications;)

Edited November 3, 2009 by Dexter Morgan

[BookerT]

nope, I don't care "why", it is irrelevant to me if it happens. "why" does not change the fact that if someone cheats, she needs to pack her bags.

 

and we aren't talking about legal cases.

 

 

Well that's just your personal opinion. I'm just saying most people consider why. Even a person that's not personally involved and meant to be unbiased as a jury or judge.

[carhill]

The process has opened my eyes clearly to accept that women present the same variety of behaviors as men and have the same propensities and 'weaknesses'. Prior, I thought, unhealthily, that women had a nobler cause and better 'reasons' for their actions and behaviors. So, for me, an EA has been a great educational experience. Analyzing it in MC helped me understand my own deficiencies and weaknesses. The path to health can be a circuitous and sometimes tortuous one, but a worthy path nonetheless. I think I could respect and trust a woman who has walked a similar path and learned similar lessons about herself. We'll see

[Dexter Morgan]

This is very true.

 

You would have to filter out about 50% of the population.

 

Personally I would just make sure I filter out any women that were consistent manipulative cheaters. If I was a total jerk to her and she cheated on me, that's my fault.

 

but the difference between someone that has cheating as a part of their character and someone that is not a cheater is, if you are a jerk to a non-cheater, she'd just leave.

 

point being, there is no justification for cheating....you either have it in your character, or you don't.

 

what is the point of staying with someone just to cheat? why not just leave?

[BookerT]

but the difference between someone that has cheating as a part of their character and someone that is not a cheater is, if you are a jerk to a non-cheater, she'd just leave.

 

point being, there is no justification for cheating....you either have it in your character, or you don't.

 

what is the point of staying with someone just to cheat? why not just leave?

 

Why doesn't the jerk just leave first? Just as guilty. Funny, that point is in my other thread I just posted, prior to reading your post.

 

But I agree with you, a person that's hurting should just leave. However, humans are emotional creatures, and dumb as bricks. We would be a lot better if we were aliens without emotions.

[harmfulsweetz]

Dumb as bricks? Love it. I'm going to use that with someone soon. Sorry, I like finding insults. We are though.

 

I often stayed in a bad R because well, it was easier than leaving. Grr. How I wish I left earlier, but meh, sometimes it takes a lot to wake you up. The jerk often won't leave first because they know they have the power, the control, etc etc. They enjoy it. Probably think they're doing nothing wrong.

[AAlike]

I guess many will disagree but I'm a firm believer there are two types of cheaters.

 

There is the type that's the premeditated, consistent cheat like your ex-H. These types of cheaters can't help their behavior almost like it's an compulsion, do it time and time again, and find justification for their behavior.

 

Then there's the cheaters that do it the one time, almost always because they are hurting and in a bad relationship. They feel a lot of guilt after the cheating and don't want to do it again.

 

Your ex was the first type, you're the second type. The statment in the OP applies to him, not you. Any human being in a bad situation will do bad things.

 

I bet if I put all the people in this forum in a position where they would either starve to death or kill a man, MOST would kill a man after starving for some time. It's human nature to do extreme things in extreme situations.

 

Don't worry.

 

I see what you're saying here - and I agree that there is certainly a difference between something that is done completely unprompted versus something that is done in a reactionary/retaliatory manner. and I also agree with you that she is probably not any more likely to cheat in her next relationship than anyone else, and that she probably is not, and never will be, the first type of person that you described.

 

However, as I stated earlier, my problem is that she could have gotten out of her situation in a lot of other ways than she did. Your analogy of starving to death versus killing a man would only be accurate if her only two options were to continue to get treated crappy or cheat herself - and that was not the case. you don't need to starve OR kill a man if you can simply leave the proverbial deserted island at will. She could have ended the relationship anytime that she wanted - and if she felt the need to exact revenge, she could have also done that in many ways other than cheating. I know that if I were in that situation I'd be out with another girl ASAP - AFTER I had broken off my marriage.

 

let's put it this way - if I shot a guy who shot someone close to me, would my behavior be more justifiable? probably. would that mean that I'm the type of person that would start killing for sport? probably not. am I still a murderer? yup.

Edited November 3, 2009 by AAlike

[Untouchable_Fire]

I see what you're saying here - and I agree that there is certainly a difference between something that is done completely unprompted versus something that is done in a reactionary/retaliatory manner. and I also agree with you that she is probably not any more likely to cheat in her next relationship than anyone else, and that she probably is not, and never will be, the first type of person that you described.

 

That is exactly what got me when I read the initial post. She handled the situation very poorly, which speaks to being way too passive aggressive and insecure.

 

Also, the amount of effort she puts into trying to make her actions seem justifiable is not a good sign either.

 

Personally, I would not make any sort of commitment to her in a relationship. She seems like the ticking time bomb type that would do something horrible to you 10 years down the road.

[threebyfate]

In general, I would say past behaviours are indicative of future behaviours. If you strongly believe in something, as defined by anti-cheating for the purposes of this thread, you won't cheat in the future, happy or unhappy.

 

Not too many people want to change, at core. When I say at core, if you believe that cheating is an abusive/selfish action/reaction, you won't personally stoop so low to do it, in that you know that justifying it, would only be detrimental to your perspective of yourself.

 

So, if you're the type of person to change at core, wanting to change dysfunctional coping tools, then you won't cheat again. If you believe you were justified in cheating or are the self-entitled type of person, you WILL cheat again.

[Chicago_Guy]

Well, excuse me, but I consider it cheating when somebody talks sexual to other women online. Telling them he'd like to stick his c**k in her p***y and f**k her hard. I sense the undercurrent of your judgment that mine was OH so much worse. What a load. I know that with at least a few of these online women, they exchanged pictures, had webcam sessions where they were showing each other their goods, and they were trying to make plans to meet in person.

 

I also got a recording of a very sexually explicit phone message that my XH left for a female that we used to work with. So explicit, in fact, that two of my friends that I let listen to it were trying not to vomit - almost feeling as if they'd seen him naked, it was so descriptive and filthy.

 

Not to mention, CG, but I TOLD my XH about mine to try and fix it. He told me to carry on. I found out about his little escapades on my own and he still tried to lie about them after I found out. I made it VERY clear this was not okay with me and he carried on anyway.

 

IMO, those are not things you share with people outside your marriage. Perhaps your opinion is different, but mine's not. Thanks, though.

 

I wasn't trying to attack you. That guy to whom you were married sounds like a loser. I bet he actually did physically cheat with those women, but you just never found out about it.

[Dexter Morgan]

I wasn't trying to attack you. That guy to whom you were married sounds like a loser.

 

I don't disagree that her x is a loser.....but she actually went out and cheated....so..??

[Chicago_Guy]

I don't disagree that her x is a loser.....but she actually went out and cheated....so..??

 

Yes, she did cheat.

[Dexter Morgan]

Yes, she did cheat.

 

point is, if he is a loser for what he did, what is she?