newbie here: "too good" for ex, very confused!

[aftershock]

Sorry for the thread title - I couldn't summarise it in 85 words or less!

 

This may be a long post. However its very interesting and makes an entertaining read!

 

I'd also like to apoligise for asking for advice on my first post, it does seem slightly cheeky! But I'm at my wits end so here goes:

 

I'm 18. In late August, a girl I know, lets call her X, whos 16, was "talking" to me (via text/sms) and was very upset. Shed been used by a guy who wanted nothing more than sex, who wasn't even her b/f. He was the "bit on the side", so to speak. Shed been forced into staying with her b/f because she was going on holiday with him in late October, and her parents said that if he cancalled then the holiday would be lost, according to the airline (I told her on many occasions before this that this was rubbish, and in the end I was right).

 

X doesn't have a lot of self esteem.

 

Anyway, it ended up with the conclusion that she REALLY liked me, and I did like her a bit, but not a lot. We agreed that after her holiday she'd dump her b/f and we would go out. I told her that I'd see her as a mate before then (she worked at the burger place that I used to work at, I left early August), but I wouldn't get sexual or anything, since my parents split up because my mum had an affair. At that time I wasn't talking to my mum, so it would be very hypocritical of me to sleep with X!

 

Seems simple enough.

 

Anyway, we met in the pub the next Saturday. We agreed to meet in secret, since her "affair" before that was public knowledge (her b/f and the other guy both worked at the same burger place).

 

We were naturally caught (by another colleagues younger brother dressed in a bear suit of all things...), and the next day everyone apart from her b/f knew (hes a bit stupid you see). However we really enjoyed each others company, and I realised that I really liked her. And she REALLY like me. I mean, REALLY. Never shut up about me etc.

 

For the next month, we met in secret around twice a week. I was sure to compliment her loads and made sure to tell her that I missed her - which was true. I did so much that you can't imagine. We did kiss and touch but nothing more, even though she wanted to I refused, until after she'd dumped her b/f.

 

At the end of September we reached a distaster zone - she had sex with her b/f, which she hadn't done for months before. She was blackmailed into it, as he said he wouldn't go on holiday with her if she didn't. So she did. I naturally wasn't happy with that, and made my feelings clear, especially since I'd been telling her that the holiday thing was rubbish.

 

Anyway, we still agreed to go out afterwards. I felt like a dope, but I could see that she was confused and felt sympathetic. We carried on seeing each other until around the 10th of October or so, when she said that she didn't want to see me anymore but we could still be mates, because I was "too good for her". The sad thing is I knew that she was being honest, and tried to make her see sense. But I couldn't.

 

At this time I started seeing someone else, who I'd liked for ages before, but shes just not X. I've been meaning to break up with her. Shes a great person and I'm still seeing her now. But I still want X. Shes got a new b/f now, but admits to missing me, and doesn't even like him very much.

 

I was with my new g/f in the cinema last night and I cried because I missed X too much.

 

I've not seen X since early October now. I've spoke to her on the phone twice a week or so, and texted/smsed a lot.

 

I've tried everything to win her back - jealously (mentioning my new g/f, asking for her best mates phone number), making out not to be interested, saying that I am interested, saying that I'm not too good for her, etc. But shes still convinced I'm too good for her.

 

X was also saying that the fact that I refused to sleep with her meant I didn't really like her!

 

I know that I should get over her and concentrate on my life. I have many good qualities - I have a place at a top university next year, and a great job that I love in the meantime.

 

But I'm not happy.

 

I've asked her to meet up but I don't think she wants too - she feels guilty for what shes done.

 

I'm thinking about tricking her into meeting me (all my old workmates are getting together next Saturday, and a mate has agreed to tell her that were meeting at 7 instead of 8, and 'll turn up at 7 and claim that we've both been told the wrong time or something).

 

If anyone wants to know anything else that I may have missed, then just ask!

 

So, what do you think? I'm at my wits end and could do with some help! Actually just typing that has made me feel a little better:).

 

This sounds like a great community and I hope I can play a part in it!

[moimeme]

I'm sometimes amazed that people will try so hard to keep a relationship that is so much work. This gal has issues - she thinks you're 'too good', she feels 'guilty', she has all sorts of things going on that make her feel she can't be with you - or else she's using these as excuses and there's another story. Either way, it's the inside of her head that needs repair; something that you are unlikely to be able to effect, since you're not there.

 

You could try tricking her in hopes that enough chemistry will get cranked to convince her to give it another try. Failing that, you might want to leave her alone for a while. If the fates are kind, she might have the good sense to miss you and try to get you back. However, it sounds as though she's someone who's pretty good at sabotaging herself by coming up with all these issues, in which case any relationship would be every bit as rocky as yours so far has been. I guess if you like that sort of thing, go for it but you might wish to look for someone who can more easily allow herself to participate in a relationship.

 

And, of course, the fact that she ran around behind her b/f's back, no matter what her reasons, doesn't speak all that well for her either. Could you be positive she wouldn't do the same to you?

 

BTW - welcome! It'd be great if you stuck around

[aftershock]

Thanks for responding! I managed to find this site somehow and I'm glad I did!

 

The issues:

 

She has very low self esteem. She's ginger, and hates it. Now I personally liked the fact she was red, but she REALLY didn't like it.

 

The chemistry was there, right until the last time we saw each other. Thats why it was such a suprise when she said that she didn't want to see me anymore.

 

She told me that she had been in counselling for three years, because of someone calling her ginger and related names.

 

Shes also very controlled by her parents. She had a ridiculous curfew, and they even tried to tell her what subjects to take at college (I'm assuming that most of the members here are American, "college" in the UK is generally where you go between 16 and 18). I managed to persuade her into taking the subjects that she wanted to do.

 

Another thing is the fact that they booked an expensive 2 1/2 week holiday a year in advance, a month after shes been seeing her b/f (who is now her ex), and told her that if one pereson cancelled then no-one would be able to go. Now clearly this was a ploy to make her stay with her b/f.

 

She texted me before she left and said "They lied to me, I could have told him where to go months ago and still go on holiday". Of course I'd been saying that since June, but never mind...

 

She was happy with me, I know it. Other people knew it and wondered why she was so happy all of a sudden. Since then, she's sad again. Or so I've been told by people who've seen her.

 

I've been texting her, but not replying until she does. I texted her last Monday, didn't recieve a reply, so rang her on Friday night when I was slightly tipsy, and she'd ran out of money and couldn't reply, but we chatted for ages. Haven't spoke to her since.

 

Believe me, I don't *want* to feel this way about her! But I kind of can't help it.