How do I handle this?

[zoe1983]

My fiance and I are getting married in six months. We have been together for about 4 and a half years (we recently bought a townhouse together) and in that whole time, neither one of us has had serious close friendships with people of the opposite sex. Not really on purpose...I guess it just never happened. I have always trusted him 100% percent not to cheat on me.

 

So about six months ago a new girl was transferred to his work. They are both assistant managers and she is actually kind of dating the general manager. She actually lives with the general manager and they have a weird on and off relationship.

 

Anyways her and my fiance have become friends and they text on a daily basis. Him and I are on different schedules and so we don't get to spend much time together. We will be watching a movie together or going out to lunch together and he will text her back and forth. She is one of those girls that always has some sort of drama going on. I really cant stand that type of girl and go out of my way to not even be friends with that type of chick.

 

My fiance keeps saying that they are just friends and that she just doesn't have any other friends so she needs someone to talk to. Like I said she always has some sort of drama she just has to talk to him about. She is always sick, mad at her fake boyfriend, running out of money, or some other crap. The latest drama involved a miscarriage she didnt even tell the fake boyfriend about. They went out to lunch once and she recently gave us this futon she didn't want anymore and in return he is supposed to take her to lunch. Not us.....just her and him.

 

Now my fiance in general is the type that is always trying to help his friends. He had a rough upbringing and part of him feels guilty that he survived so he tends to go out of his way to help others. Although I admire his desire to help so many people, I get really frustrated when he keeps helping someone that refuses to help themselves.

 

Anyways....this thing with him and the girl is really putting a wedge in the relationship. I end up picking fights over stupid little things because deep down I am really upset about his relationship with this girl.

 

I have tried talking to him and he just keeps saying they are just friends. One time he did offer to stop talking to her completely but that was silly because all I am asking for is that he cuts back a bit you know? That at least when him and I are together he doesnt text her. I just can't decide if I am being controlling and jealous or if I am being an idiot that needs to open her eyes and see the truth! With the wedding coming up....it just all seems even more stressful!

 

Sorry this was so long...I have been holding all this in for a while!!!

[boundaryproblem]

Sounds like an emotional affair. Go check out the Infidelity forum.

Emotional affairs tend to move into physical affairs. Is she hot/his type?

 

Consider putting off the wedding. You have a problem. Your gut is right.

[zoe1983]

He told me that he thinks she is attractive but he is not attracted to her. He keeps saying that he would never want to be with her because he couldn't handle her drama.

[anne1707]

He shouldn't want to be with her because he's with you!

 

You need to speak to him and find out what is going on. When someone else is coming between you and your partner like this, then you need to act.

[Ronni_W]

First, congrats on your engagement and upcoming marriage

 

I agree with anne -- time for you to clearly communicate your feelings and needs about this. You can ask him to be 100% present and available to you when you're doing movies, lunches and other 'couple/dating' activities and, if you'd be happier joining them for the "thanks for the futon" lunch, then say that, too. It's got his priorities messed up, right now, and you sure do have the privilege of helping him sort that out

He keeps saying that ... he couldn't handle her drama.

From what you posted, he is more than capable of - and interested in - handling her drama...even to the point of ignoring YOU so that he can participate in it! He is calling it "helping her with her problems" but it's actually just him getting and staying involved with her drama...and he best believe that he is handling it and, on some level, he is enjoying handling it.

 

I would be inclined to ask him to reflect on what he's REALLY getting out of his relationship with her? If it's about feeling needed, appreciated, useful, etc., then you might suggest that a more appropriate way to get those needs met is by volunteering.

[zoe1983]

Thanks Ronni for the advice. I think his problem is that he had a rough childhood and when he was a teenager he reacted by doing some stupid things. He was able to get himself out of the mess but he left behind a lot of friends that either died or ended up in jail. He feels really really guilty about it.

 

Fast forward to now...he is always trying to help his friends...wether they want to help themselves or not. Its just that this is the first time it has ever been a girl.

 

I have tried to explain to him that he would never text another girl when he was on a date but he keeps saying its different because we live together and aren't always on a date.

 

We talked about it again last night and he admitted that he thought it was a bit messed up to talk to her as much as he does. This was after I got really mad because he walked in the door from work and kept going into the kitchen (as soon as he got home!) were i couldnt see him. Of course I figured out that he was doing it so that he could hide the fact that he was texting her.

 

I keep giving him an out...telling him if he wants to be with her then go be with her...id rather I find out now instead of once we are married. He keeps saying he loves me and wants to be with me but I am just scared about the whole thing.

 

Whenever we fight about this he usually offers to stop talking to her completely. I have never agreed to that because I felt like i was being controlling and everyone he worked with would think I was crazy. I was talking to my close friend today though and she said she thinks I should ask him to go ahead and stop talking to him.

 

Im really on the fence about this...i mean on one hand it would solve the problem but on the other hand I am a firm believer that if they are going to cheat they are going to cheat no matter what you do to stop them. When it comes down to it I dont even think I believe he would cheat...I just feel like I am being disrespected and that he should be spending his free time talking to me not her??

[Ronni_W]

I think his problem is that he had a rough childhood ... He was able to get himself out of the mess but he left behind a lot of friends that either died or ended up in jail. He feels really really guilty about it.

I get that zoe, but what he's doing is basically blaming his rough childhood for the fact that, AS AN ADULT, HE cannot set appropriate emotional boundaries with his friends, and doesn't have the self-discipline to give up potentially harmful habits -- which is what this whole addiction to "helping others" has become. Doesn't matter if it's a guy or girl, the habit can have detrimental effect by your guy always being less concerned about you / more concerned about those in perceived "real need".

 

I would ask him if it is it making sense TO HIM, to allow his misplaced guilt and leftover crap from his rough childhood to threaten his love relationship with his future wife???

It might feel as if you'd be trying to "control" him/his behaviour...but the problem is that he clearly is on major self-destruct and needs some GUIDANCE before he sabotages his relationship with his future wife!!!

 

He just does not appear to be seeing the 'bigger picture'. I don't think it's that he wants to be with her...the "addiction" is to helping not to any specific individual(s). I would look at it like this: Would you feel okay about asking him to give up alcohol or crack if that was his addiction?

 

But I do agree with you -- he needs to take 100% responsibility for his own decisions, behaviours...and addictions! I would talk in general terms about all of this, and ask him to see an individual therapist so that he can overcome his guilt and "saviour complex" and primary relationship-sabotaging ways.

he keeps saying its different because we live together and aren't always on a date.

You need to help him set some boundaries, zoe. TELL HIM what you want, and then you two can negotiate. Do NOT worry about sounding controlling or ridiculous or any such thing. STOP "giving him outs" -- what is up with that??? Next time he offers to completely stop talking with her, just say, "Yeah, Honey...unfortunately that's the only option you've left for yourself, isn't it? Just let her know that you're sabotaging your love relationship but once you've got a grip on it then you'll be able to establish a new, healthier relationship with her."

He keeps saying he loves me and wants to be with me but I am just scared about the whole thing.

I would trust him about that -- accept what he says instead of developing distrust where it just isn't necessary. Like I said above, it really doesn't sound as if it's about her but just him feeding his own (unhealthy, dysfunctional) need to help and allaying his own guilt when he does not help. Edited November 2, 2009 by Ronni_W